Princess of the Night (1990)

Directed by:

Fred J. Lincoln

Ageless vampire queen Lauren (Lauren Hall) has grown bored with her life and become disillusioned through the ages. She sustains herself with an serum made from the blood of male virgins which, until recently, hasn't been difficult to find. However, it's now the 80s and they're in much shorter supply. (Too bad Lauren isn't around these days, she'd be having a much easier time in the era of internet trolls and incels!) According to her faithful servant George (Jamie Gillis), their serum stockpile has now dwindled to dangerously low levels. To help, Lauren has recruited some help in the form of young and eager understudy Tammy (Madison), who's recently joined their vampire clan. Tammy finds a deaf-mute muscular blonde (James Lewis) and brings him back to their home after he tells her he's a virgin using sign language (!) And just so we all learn a little something new from this review (lord knows I won't have too much else to talk about here), ASL for virgin is spreading apart your index and middle finger and running it along the side of your face. After a 15-minute-long sex scene covering most of the bases, Lauren finally feeds. The victims are kept in a catatonic state and placed in the home's dungeon where they can be tapped for their serum as needed until they expire, although we're never shown any of that.

Tammy goes out and finds herself a Mexican man (Tony Montana) who doesn't speak a word of English (leading to some humorous back-and-forths between the two) and goes through the same routine as Lauren on a fake outdoor set decorated with a brick wall, motorcycle, AstroTurf and a plastic trashcan. Pure class, baby! Meanwhile, back at their lair, Lauren grows seriously ill.

It turns out feeding on only virgin's blood is an absolute necessity for these vampires. If they are tainted with non-virgin blood, the centuries of life they've lived thus far will rapidly catch up with them, making them wither, wrinkle and take on a mummy-like appearance. Blood from two non-virgins pretty much means death. And the deaf-mute "virgin" the inexperienced Tammy brought to Lauren wasn't a virgin at all like he claimed to be. That's because Tammy forgot to "test" him first. How exactly does a vampire ensure their victim is a virgin? Well, it involves tasting their semen to make sure it's sweet enough. As for how a vampire is able to acquire a virgin's semen and the victim still remain a virgin, it's explained by the following exchange: George: "If he does it with one of us, he remains a virgin." Tammy: "Ohhhh, that's how it works!" A-hem.

Once the bare bones "plot" is established, most of the rest of the film is one long sex scene after another. The first is with Gillis and a voluptuous blonde (Heather Lere), which ends with him closing in on her neck. The next is a shower room bout between Madison and nerdy, mulleted high school basketball player Tom Byron. Finally, Lauren's redheaded vamp sister Isis comes to visit from "the other world" and has to simultaneously take on three guys (Blake Lewis, Joel Lawrence and Lewis again) on a graveyard set to acquire enough serum needed to save her sister. Isis is played by Viper, who was a standout performer from this time as she was the only top female adult star sporting extensive tattoos (a large snake covers much of her torso), multiple piercings (including nipples and labia) and large silicone breasts. Nowadays you'd be hard pressed to find an adult actress without tattoos and silicone enhancements. I'm admittedly not a fan of Viper's whole look but I did enjoy her funny, clothed role as a misogynistic female porn director in the R-rated comedy Vice Academy.

This is presumably a star vehicle for Hall, who's used on all of the advertising materials. While she's certainly attractive to look at, the show is completely stolen (as she has been known to do) by the extremely cute and bubbly Madison. She has a lot more screen time and dialogue than Hall (good thing too cause Hall can't act), looks fantastic in that black vinyl dress she wears in most of her scenes and delivers a pleasant, upbeat attitude, funny facial expressions and wacky dialogue delivery along with the sex, which always made her a pleasure to watch.

All of the sex scenes aside from the last one (which is kind of raunchy) are heavy on kissing and foreplay, which makes one suspect this was geared more towards the couples market. Unfortunately, most of the money must have been spent shooting this on 35mm because otherwise we get the usual cheap, sparse porn movie sets and such non-existent bloodsucker fx they didn't even bother springing for a set of cheap plastic vampire fangs. It was given a VHS release by Vidco in 1990, followed by a DVD release from Caballero Classics. It's also available to stream on most adult websites.

★★

Friday the 13th Part 2: The Next Generation (1989)

... aka: Friday the 13th 2
... aka: Friday the 13th Part 2
... aka: Friday the 13th Part 2... The Next De-Generation
... aka: Friday the 13th: Part Two: The Next Generation
... aka: Friday the 13th: The Next Generation 2

Directed by:
F.J. (Fred J.) Lincoln

Want something a little different to celebrate Friday the 13th with and you've already seen all of the Paramount and New Line slasher movies? Then here ya go! This is a follow-up to FRIDAY THE 13TH: A NUDE BEGINNING (1987) from the same people and even featuring a few of the same actors playing the same characters. Like its predecessor, this has absolutely nothing to do with the Friday the 13th series (aside from a character named Jason briefly wearing a hockey mask) nor does it actually spoof those movies. Jessica (Barbii), who's never known her mother or father and has been raised her entire life by her Uncle Merlin (director Lincoln), is surprised with a birthday cake for her 21st birthday. Her Uncle decides this is as good a time as any to tell her a little about her origins. Supposedly her mother was an evil demoness whose only joy in life came from corrupting humans and, now that Jessica is of age, her mom will be able to use her powers to return her to her place of birth. Jessica then disappears off the couch and pops up in a mysterious new house lit with red and blue lights. There, she meets her spastic twin brother Jason (Tom Byron) and tries to figure out just what's going on.

Jason's pimp friend Tyree (Billy Dee) surprises him with a birthday present in the form of ribbon-wrapped (and little else) ill-fated late 80s porn queen Megan Leigh (who committed suicide by gunshot shortly after appearing in this). After the obligatory three-way action, Jason reveals to his sibling in a hot tub that she's now in hell and that life in hell isn't forever as you eventually "burn out" and die for good as their mother (the same character played by Amber Lynn in the first) already has. Jason suggests that if she wants to really get to know their mother better and possibly discover the identity of their father in the process, she's going to have to visit some of the mortals mum had seduced and corrupted. Jessica agrees, Jason snaps his fingers and she's suddenly back on Earth in the bedroom of Reverend Jimmy Braggart (Joey Silvera, returning from the original with the same terrible attempt at a Southern accent). Jimmy's life has basically turned to shit after numerous scandals have rocked his TV ministry. After he rants and raves for a few minutes and claims there's no way he's her father, Jessica feels it's safe to go ahead and have sex with him.

Jessica's then zapped back to hell once again, where her brother is overcome with an incredible urge to cut up paper with scissors and talks about the 'who can corrupt the most mortals' rivalry between their mother and her brother. Instead of playing a game of who can out-corrupt who, Jason decides he wants to work as a team for the greater bad of mankind. Or, as the video box puts it, "Together they indulge in unthinkable sexual manipulations and lust that would put a 5 star hooker to shame!" To show her the ropes, Jason takes Jessica back to Earth where he "corrupts" Maggie Greene (Porsche Lynn) on a couch. Maggie, who's in a position to make or break the rich and elite, is just one part of Jason's master plan. He decides they need money, so he then has Jessica "corrupt" rich lesbian stock broker Carolyn Hunter (Sharon Mitchell) on a bar after last call. Rich and powerful "chairman of the board" (though I'm not so sure what board) E.J. Whitworth III (Mike Horner) is next on their list as they use their powers to get him and Carolyn to fuck. With Maggie as campaign manager, Carolyn's money and E.J. connections, Jason hopes to destroy mankind by getting a pimp into the White House. Meanwhile, poor Jessica just isn't having any fun with any of this... but I'm sure it's not something a last minute bout of incest can't cure.

While this is a step down from the first movie and not nearly as amusing, it's still OK for what it is. The fact they managed to squeeze in seven long sex scenes AND have a reasonably entertaining plot is an accomplishment in itself. The script - written by Lincoln's wife Patti Rhodes (who also co-produced with her hubby) - really isn't any worse than what you'd see in a typical R-rated B movie from this time. In fact, this actually has better, wittier writing than what you'll find in most of today's erotica, hard OR soft, plus it's colorfully lit and was shot rather professionally on 35mm film. They even throw in a few horror movie in jokes, including several nods to The Shining. Barbii, a porn performer for just a few years who even had her own production company (Barbii Productions) at this time, later turned up in Jim Wynorski's great comic slasher flick Sorority House Massacre II (1990) using her real name (Michelle Verran).

★★1/2

Friday the 13th: A Nude Beginning (1987)

... aka: Friday the 13th

Directed by:
F.J. (Fred J.) Lincoln

Prior to co-starring in the notorious and influential shocker The Last House on the Left (1972), Fred Lincoln had appeared in a handful of porn films, usually using the aliases "Tony Vincent" or "Fred Zots." One of these - the 'documentary' Loops, which appears to be a lost film now - even reportedly featured his Last House co-star Lucy Grantham involved in the hardcore action. But none of that should really come as a surprise when you look into the filmographies of Last House director / writer Wes Craven and Last House producer Sean S. Cunningham, both of whom were involved in the adult film industry of the 70s. The two men first combined forces on the faux sex documentary Together (1971) featuring a pre-Behind the Green Door Marilyn Chambers. After Last House, Craven edited and was assistant director of the porn It Happened in Hollywood (1973) and even directed and wrote his own porn The Fireworks Woman (1975) using the alias "Abe Snake." Well before his breakthrough horror hit FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980), Cunningham had made The Case of the Full Moon Murders (1973), which also starred Lincoln and was advertised as being a "sex-rated whodunit." The film (reputedly) was originally filmed with X-rated sex scenes, though also released in a soft-core version. While Craven and Cunningham both worked their way out of the X industry, Lincoln never did. In fact, he ended up embracing it. Starting in 1976, he began a long career as a porn director and, by the mid 2000s, had well over 300 adult films to his credit. Lincoln's wife, Patti Rhodes, was also involved as a producer and sometimes writer.

This one starts in hell, which, in non-Sayadian porn terms basically means a large room with a fog machine going and excessive red lighting, where Jason keeps busy cutting up pictures with scissors. A bikini-clad female demon named Justine (Amber Lynn) shows up to mock him and the two get into an argument after he accuses her of being jealous. Jason then whips off his hockey mask to reveal himself to be Paul Thomas. Yes, just Paul Thomas. Eager to show Justine his special powers, he snaps his fingers and promptly disappears. Next thing we know we're in a bedroom with Fred (Mick Handle) and his bride-to-be Patti (Alena Ferrari). She's wanting to save her virginity for their wedding day and promptly kicks him out when he starts getting frisky. Soon after, best man Jason shows up to seduce her and give her "your last fling with freedom before the bonds of marriage shackle you in forever." After sex, Jason returns to hell to brag about breaking up the marriage and eats a bug. Justine isn't impressed and decides she is going to one-up him by going up to Earth to do her own corrupting.

We're next in the oval office, where the President of the United States (John Leslie) is talking to a Colombian guerrilla (Nikki Knight) dressed in camo short shorts. She thinks that coffee is "the drink of the fascist oppressors" and wants him to supply her band of revolutionaries with arms to overthrow their government. Justine, posing as the president's secretary, uses her powers to make them come to an, um, agreement. Returning to hell, Justine finds that Jason is unimpressed. After all, politicians don't have a soul so big deal if she was able to turn him to the dark side. He then gives her what he thinks will be an ever greater challenge: corrupting "a holier than thou evangelical preacher." The target is Reverend Jimmy Braggart (Joey Silvera) and, disguised as a nun, the demoness finds seducing him much easier than she realized.

Jason decides that to really prove herself, Justine will have to cause the Reverend to commit sin on live television during his Sunday morning show "The Jimmy Braggart Hour of God." Once Braggart's "regular fag make-up artist" is a no show, he shoves off Lawanda (Alexis White), the black woman doing his makeup, and screams at his producer that he "never wants to be touched by a spook again." One of the scheduled guests doesn't show up, so Olga (Paula Winters), a blind Russian communist with breast cancer (!), is waiting in the wings to take his place. When Olga asks if the Reverend is handsome, Lawanda says, "I don't know. I'm a lesbian nymphomaniac." Justine then does her magic thing and The Reverend, Lawanda and Olga are all going at it before the cameras as Amazing Grace plays on the soundtrack. It's at this point I'm realizing this is far funnier, more satirical and clever than it probably really needed to be.

Justine's next assignment for Jason is that he must seduce Andrea Dwarkin (Nina Hartley), who's clearly based on radical feminist, author and anti-porn advocate Andrea Dworkin, except instead of being an obese, unattractive brunette, here's she a hard-bodied blonde. Jason meets up with the uptight Andrea at a dyke bar (!) and somehow convinces her to join him at a hotel where she aqua nets her hair, puts on make-up and takes off her glasses and finally feels attractive. She tells Jason she's a virgin (lol) and says "I've always wanted to be appreciated by an ass-loving man." He then welcomes her to "the beautiful, perverted, disgustingly fiendish world of depraved sex." What follows is hardly all that (the sex scenes in this one is pretty routine), but Andrea, after having sex with both Jason and Justine (in separate scenes) is enjoying sex so much she decides to quit her day job and go to work for a pimp (Billy Dee) instead!

Despite the title (an obvious play on the 5th Friday movie) and the presence of an evil guy named Jason wearing a hockey mask for a few seconds, this is not a spoof of the Friday the 13th films in any way, shape or form. Instead, it balances its time between sex scenes and comic vignettes poking fun at the hypocrisy of people trying to dictate morals to the rest of the world as if we're all some faceless mass who should all be doing (and thinking) the same things. The screenplay (a porn with an actual script - imagine that!) by Mark Weiss isn't exactly subtle, but it's often surprisingly funny and manages to get its points across in a witty and clever way. One doesn't expect jabs at politicians, religious figures and moralists in this kind of film, but it actually makes for the perfect pairing here. Sure, the acting's not always great (though most actually aren't too bad) and some lines are flubbed here and there, but at least it was shot on 35mm film and goes beyond what it had to be.

Lincoln and his wife both appear here in small cameo roles and followed with a sequel - FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2: THE NEXT GENERATION (1989) - a few years later. Silvera and Dee were back for that one, playing the same roles.

★★★