Invitation to Hell (1982)

Directed by:

Michael J. Murphy

College student Jacky (Becky Simpson) receives an invitation to a party taking place at a remote farmhouse owned by her estranged friend Laura (Catherine Rowlands), who had been "seduced away" from her studies to live out in the sticks with her new husband, Ed (Joseph Sheahan). Upon arrival, Jacky discovers the little get-together is actually a costume party but she's brought nothing to wear. Luckily her friend happens to have a Bride of Frankenstein costume sitting around. The masked party guests grab torches and head outside to some pagan altar. A confused and terrified Jacky is then grabbed and given an injection of a "sedative" against her wishes. She promptly passes out.

Jacky doesn't awaken until late the next day. After finding mysterious scratches on the inside of her thigh, she grabs her suitcase and rushes for the door. However, she's stopped by Ed and Laura, who warn her not to leave, tell her they're powerless to do anything about what's about to happen and keep speaking in extremely vague terms about a "he" and a "him" without actually identifying anyone. Jacky's attempt to drive off fails when her car mysteriously dies. And then her college boyfriend, Rick (Russell Hall), who was supposed to be back at school studying, turns up and makes no bones about also being involved in luring her there and whatever else happens to be going on.

Our utterly confused heroine in taken back inside and understandably locks herself up in a bedroom, while everyone else there continues to behave strangely. A guilt-stricken Laura eventually decides to confide in Jacky that they have somehow disturbed an ancient evil presence there that's growing stronger by the day but otherwise doesn't fully elaborate. Aside from the couple, there's also a slutty / bitchy ("I don't dislike you but I'm trying to pretend you don't exist.") maid named Liz (Tina Barnett) and a couple of young farmhands; Alan (Steven Longhurst) and the mute Maurice (Colin Efford), who sleep in the same bedroom and have nude magazine layouts taped to their walls. The former is a drunk who sometimes speaks in a demon voice while the latter is a young muscular stud who constantly lifts weights and is also sometimes possessed with glowing red eyes. Supposedly, whatever it is haunting the land has chosen to mostly use him as a host body due to his strength.

Jacky discovers that she's been brought there because she's a virgin and is wanted by the demon to "propagate his kind in flesh and blood" during the spring equinox. A series of murders soon follow. Someone's impaled with a pitchfork, raised off the ground and then thrown into a lake. A head gets crushed, a neck is snapped and, during the bloodiest bit, a man is stabbed through the throat, crucified and has his heart ripped out. Poor Jacky isn't even able to lose her virginity because her boyfriend gets a knife stuck through his throat before he can even get his pants off. A body thrown into a fire ends up spawning a red-eyed hooded demon.

Aren't rural farms one of the best horror movie settings? For starters, they're out in the middle of nowhere. Then you've got barns and other buildings away from the main home where people can get killed and bodies can be hidden. They're usually surrounded by woods, so you've also got that. And there are always all manner of sharp weapons just lying around and readily available. While this makes some good use of all of that, no time at all is wasted throwing us right into the story and the film is has some pretty entertaining bits, you have to look past truly shoddy technical credits to get to the good stuff. The photography is flat, the sound recording and editing are both awful, the story is muddled, the acting (while not the worst I've ever seen) is mostly amateurish and the film somehow manages to drag toward the end despite the 43-minute run time, which is pretty inexcusable.

While I'm just starting to scratch the surface with Murphy's films, I'm already picking up some major DeCoteau-style homoerotic vibes. While the leading lady is briefly seen topless, much more time is spent lingering on the male cast members. In fact, the hunky mute guy is showcased more in various stages of undress, and the recipient of far more exploitative camera shots (consult screen caps), than any of the women. During nearly all of his scenes, he's shown is skin tight clothing, shirtless or changing clothes and even has his shirt ripped off the one time he happens to be wearing one. The camera pans up and down his body and countless shots are specifically cropped just to show off his chest and arms. I've watched four movies from this guy so far and three of them feature long montages of sweaty guys working out, including this one. We shall see if this particular theme continues on in his later work. I have a sneaking suspicion it will.

Unlike many of the director's other films, this received a VHS release in a number of countries, including the U.S. (on the Mega [a division of Mogul] label), Canada (Videoline Productions) and the UK (Scorpio Video). There was also a 2008 DVD release (limited to 1000 copies and featuring a commentary track from the director) through Sarcophilous Films, who've paired it with Murphy's theater slasher The Last Night (1983). This may explain why it's one of only two Murphy films with over 100 votes on IMDb, though seeing how it also shares its title with a Wes Craven-directed TV movie released two years later, confusion may also have something to do with that.

★★

Guardian, The (1990)

Directed by:

William Friedkin

You can't totally hate a movie where leather clad biker rapists are decapitated by a possessed tree, but this confused movie is equal parts dreary and absurd, yet seems to completely lack a sense of humor. Jenny Seagrove is fine in the role of Camilla, a Druid priestess who signs on to be the nanny for a yuppie couple's newborn baby. Little do they know, she plans on sacrificing the tike to that aforementioned bloodthirsty tree! Some gore (by Steve Johnson, et al), rabid wolves, high production values and the good central performance help things along, but it's nearly impossible to take this as seriously as was intended.

★★

Camp Fear (1990)

...aka: Millennium Countdown, The

Directed by:

Thomas A. Keith

Regardless of the outcome, it was interesting to finally see this one. For a long time it was listed in reference books and on online sites as the long-lost sequel to the popular slasher flick CHEERLEADER CAMP (1987). In actuality, however, the two films are entirely separate entities and have nothing in common aside from shared cast members Betsy Russell and George "Buck" Flower. In fact, ten years before the DVD even came out, this was already released on VHS by a company called Paramax, who must have only issued a hundred or so copies because this faded into complete obscurity about five minutes after it was released. Things start out on the right note at a sorority house with several minutes of gratuitous T&A; with the always-amusing Michelle Bauer and ill-fated porno queen Savannah (Shannon Wilsey) taking turns with the shower, women walking around in lingerie and several other anonymous ladies flashing their silicone-enhanced cans for the camera. I hope you enjoyed that because, strangely, there will be no more nudity at any other point in this film. A few of the other (clothed) sorority sisters talk to Bauer for a minute or two before heading out the door. Before doing so they make passing remarks about how they'll be spending their Spring Break camping out in the woods with a professor. Why? I actually can't remember, but I doubt it's important. The important thing is that they're not bringing Michelle along on their trip. Boo! Strike 1.

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The ladies attend an archeology class (where Juliette Cummins make an uncredited appearance jamming to her walkman) and then decide to spend the night at a dance club where Wendy (Erika Nann), clad in a lycra cow print ensemble, treats us to a hysterically funny song-and-dance routine. OK, the song is absolutely horrible, but the dancing is pretty funny. The next day the group is organized and ready to go, with Professor Mark Hamilton (Vincent Van Patten, who was married to Russell at the time) at the reigns and students Jamie (Russell), Wendy, Tiffany (Peggy Sands aka Playboy Playmate Peggy McIntaggart) and Melissa (Mindy Myer) ready to learn all about ancient Indian relics and such. Before they can even pitch their tents, they run into a drunken vagrant (Flower) and are harassed by some obnoxious bikers at a general store. Fair enough. The film's just throwing in a bunch of needless characters we'll see getting slaughtered later on, right? Wrong. Unfortunately this movie seems to forget all about satiating the target audience's thirst for blood. Strike 2.

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The girls eventually make it to their destination only to encounter myriad horrors in the form of a scaly lake monster (which is only in one scene and then never mentioned again!) and a giant cave-dwelling druid (played by 7-foot tall former professional basketball player "Tiny Ron"/Ron Taylor). The girls are abducted one at a time, dressed in animals rags and then chained up in the cave. The druid wants to sacrifice them. It has something to do with the millennium or the moon or Stonehenge-like rock formations. The bikers show up again to needlessly complicate matters, as does a wise Indian (Jim Elk). What should be a simple backwoods exploitation excursion with gore and nudity soon turns into an irritating episode of Scooby Doo with a dozen people basically running back and forth in the woods. Not nearly enough of them die. Most importantly, not nearly enough of them die in an extremely gory way. Strike 3. You're out!

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IMDb says this is from 1991, the production date at the end of the credits says 1994 and several reference books I have list this with a 1990 copyright, so I decided to include it on here for the sake of completion. If I had to venture a guess, I'd say this was made in 1990 and first released in 1994. The cast includes David Homb (SHOCK 'EM DEAD), Nels Van Patten (Vincent's brother), Suzanne Ager (EVIL TOONS) and Dori Courtney (SORORITY BABES AND THE CREATURE FROM HELL).

★1/2

Horror at 37,000 Feet, The (1973)

Directed by:

David Lowell Rich

One of the fun parts of covering horror movies of the 1970s is the generous amount of made-for-TV movies I get to view. Many of these, such as The Night Stalker films and Salem's Lot are good enough to rival theatrical releases being put out by the major studios at the time. On the flip side, others are so hopelessly dated, tacky and silly they now stand as great guilty pleasures. When you factor in the meager production values, the obviously rushed production schedules (many of the major networks put out at least one movie a week), the campy name value casts, the hideous fashions and the disaster movie-inspired plot lines, you're usually in for a pretty good time overall. This one seems to have been made in response to the mega-popular action-drama Airport (1970) and starts with a good solid 30 minutes of hilariously cliched "character development" before the horror elements even take flight. Strangely, I enjoyed the scenes of the cast just sitting around bitching, boozing, flirting, smoking ciggies (for some reason I love seeing people smoking on airplanes and in hospitals in these older movies) and talking about how miserable their lives are much more than I did viewing the wimpy horror scenes. It gets a little bland toward the midway point, but hell, who doesn't want to see Captain Kirk, Jed Clampett and The Professor from "Gilligan's Island" battling ancient evil forces on a cheap looking airplane set? I know I sure can't pass stuff like this up.

On a three floor cargo plane making a Trans-Atlantic night flight from Italy to the U.S., strange things are afoot. Bickering, wealthy couple Alan (Roy Thinnes) and Sheila (Jane Merrow) O'Neill decide to rent out the whole loading compartment to transport a huge church abbey back to the U.S. to decorate their home with. Unfortunately the church abbey is a cursed relic since it was removed from an ancient druid burial ground. There's talk about spirits communicating via Latin and reciting Black Mass and how the summer solstice has something to do with it and nonsense like that, but it basically boils down to the spirits being restless because they need a human sacrifice. More specifically, they need Sheila to sacrifice herself because she's a druid descendant. One strange ability of the druid spirits is that they can cause death by freezer burn if you get too close to them. Sadly, we only get to see a dog(sicile) and the flight engineer getting the ice death treatment. Oh yeah, and the plane becomes stuck in zero gravity; the engines are going but the plane isn't really moving forward once it reaches 37,000 feet. In other words, someone needs to come up with a solution and come up with it fast before they run out of fuel.

Unlike most other airplane movies there's only about 15 people on board, and that's including the five-person staff; pilot Chuck Connors, the co-pilot, the flight engineer and two stewardesses dressed in mini-skirts and go-go boots. There's also a shrewd Texas tycoon (Buddy Ebsen), an Asian fashion model (France Nuyen), a doctor (Paul Winfield), a little blonde girl, a female musician (Lynn Loring) and a ridiculous redneck western movie star (Will Hutchins). And who could forget William Shatner as the heavy-drinking cranky ex-priest who makes passes at the ladies, drinks from a flask, does his usual frequent pause dialogue delivery and must rediscover his faith to become the surprise hero. However, the cast standout is husky voiced Tammy Grimes as Mrs. Pinder, a woman stalking the O'Neill couple for removing the abbey because they desecrated a historic landmark. She unsuccessfully sued them in Italy so now she's being a total bitch by following them to America to sue them a second time... Unfortunately her plans are derailed once she becomes possessed by a druid spirit. I actually didn't even know she was possessed until the very end of the movie and thought she was just flat out crazy, but she's great and her facial expressions and dialogue delivery are priceless. Also with Russell Johnson and Darlene Carr.

★★

Halloween III: Season of the Witch (1982)

Directed by:

Tommy Lee Wallace

Part 3 seems like it has no business being in the HALLOWEEN series at all (there is no Michael Myers to be found anywhere in the film), but it's good, dumb fun anyway. The original intention of this entry was to prompt more unrelated sequels carrying a seasonal theme and the HALLOWEEN brand name, but thanks to terrible critical reviews and disappointing box office receipts, that concept both began and ended right here. After a mysterious murder at a hospital (a guy has his nose popped right out of socket!), Tom Atkins (a doctor doing some freelance detective work) and Stacy Nelkin (a young woman whose father was murdered and is now looking for answers) go to a small California town to investigate "Silver Shamrock," a company mass-producing popular Halloween masks designed like skulls, witches and goblins. Cheerful company owner Conal Cochran (played with big kid charm and gusto by Dan O'Herlihy) is actually using the masks in a ridiculous plot to kill millions of children on Halloween night. In one scene, a kid wearing a mask watches a hypnotic and catchy commercial ("Two more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. Two more days to Halloween, Silver Shamrock!"), his head melts and hundreds of beetles, cockroaches and snakes come crawling out. Robotic guards are around too, to do things like drill a hole in a woman's face and rip a bum's head off. Eventually, a news program tells us that a piece of Stonehenge is missing (!?!) and our heroes find it in the factory with robo lab technicians chipping away pieces of it to put inside the masks. See there's this special microchip thingy located at the base of the mask that's set off by flashes of colored light, shoots out a laser beam and somehow manages to simultaneously melt your head and turn it into a breeding ground for all kinds of nasty creepy crawlers. Wonder if he got a patent for it?



Despite being utterly stupid, mean-spirited and confusing (not to mention having some muddled reasoning behind why Cochran even wants to do all this in the first place), this crazy thing moves along nicely thanks to lots of gross out Tom Burman FX, good cinephotography by Dean Cundey (later a trusted cinematographed used by Spielberg, Zemeckis and Ron Howard) and an excellent synthesizer score from Alan Howarth and John Carpenter (he also produced with Debra Hill for a third time). Originally writer Nigel Kneale demanded his name be removed from the finished product. The cast includes Nancy Loomis (in a different role here than what she played in the original), Dick Warlock and a voice cameo from Jamie Lee Curtis. The Michael Myers character would return in the rest of the sequels, starting with HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS in 1988.

★★1/2