Jack Frost (1996)

Directed by:
Michael Cooney

He'd stick knives in their faces and cut out their tummies, and stamp on their heads till their brains got all runny. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, Jack gouged out eyes with candlesticks. He smashed in skulls with sticks and stones, used iron bars to crush their bones so he could hide his kills in tiny places and he wouldn't have to see their faces...

After a five-year-long reign of terror that included hiding the body parts of his victims in pecan pies, serial killer Jack Frost (Sam MacDonald) has finally been apprehended. On a cold and snowy winter night, Jack's being escorted to death row when his transport van collides with a chemical truck and some kind of top-secret body altering chemical is unleashed. It splashes into Jack's face, melts his body, somehow blends his DNA in with the snow and the end result is a talking snowman with psychopathic tendencies and a never-ending series of lousy one-liners. Well, at least "It ain't fuckin' Frosty!" Jack now wants revenge against nice guy smalltown Sheriff Sam Tiler (Christopher Allport), the man responsible for his arrest and heads on over to the secluded small town Snomonton to start killing off the populace.

Sheriff Sam's been haunted by nightmares ever since he arrested Jack and things are about to get even worse, starting with the mysterious death of an old man who's had his neck snapped by something powerful yet cushy and soft. Then the snowman materializes in Sam's front yard long enough to push a bully down in front of a sled and decapitate him. The death is initially blamed on the Sheriff's son (Zack Eginton), but that soon changes when more people are killed. A man has an axe handle shoved down his throat and his wife is strangled with lights, has her face cut up with busted ornaments and then has a star jammed through the top of her head. A deputy gets run over. Shannon Elizabeth gets a start on her long and illustrious career by getting raped to death in the bathtub by the snowman. Because of all the deaths, a curfew has been put in order and all the townspeople congregate at the local church. But knowing there's a psycho on the loose doesn't stop Sam's wife Anne (Eileen Seeley) from going back to her home all by herself just to get some blankets!

FBI Agent Manners (Stephen Mendel), who has a field day trying to belittle the Sheriff, and scientist Dr. Stone (Rob La Belle), show up in town to explain to the Sheriff that he's up against the "world's most pissed-off snowcone." Jack has the ability to quickly melt and re-freeze to sneak under doorways and through faucets, shoots sharp icicles out of his mitten, er, hand and constantly spouts off at the mouth. Hey, "I only axed ya for a smoke!" Our heroes must devise a way to stop the "world's most pissed-off snowcone," which include using hair dryers, blowing him up, luring him into a furnace and, finally, taking him for a dive into a truck bed full of antifreeze. p.s. If little Zack wants you eat his "special;" don't, if you value your life.

Jack Frost defies the obvious criticisms. This is an incredibly stupid movie that knows good and well that it's an incredibly stupid movie and refuses to ever take itself seriously. In short, this was made simply to be goofy, campy and fun. Whether you find it any of the above is going to depend entirely on what kind of person you are. I did chuckle a few times watching this, for sure, but spending an hour and a half watching someone making fun of their own intentionally stupid concept isn't going to be everyone's cup of cocoa, and that's completely understandable. Either way, this is a good-looking, nicely-shot and fast-paced movie with plenty of mayhem and brainless action.

JACK FROST 2: REVENGE OF THE GIANT MUTANT SNOWMAN (1999) - coming soon to a blog near you! - brought back cast members Allport, Seeley, Marsha Clark (who plays a smart-ass police dispatcher) and Chip Heller (a deputy). It was also made by writer / director Cooney and again featured the voice of MacDonald as the title character. There was also a family movie out in between these two called Jack Frost (1998), which starred Michael Keaton as a guy who dies and returns as a snowman.

★★1/2

Black Santa's Revenge (2007)

Directed by:
David Walker

Veteran horror star Ken Foree, from such classics as George A. Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978), Stuart Gordon's FROM BEYOND (1986) and Michael Fischa's DEATH SPA (1987)... well, ok, scratch that last one... stars in this 20-minute horror-comedy short, which he also co-produced. Needing some good karma because of his checkered criminal past, an unnamed man (Foree) donates his time playing Santa at a local community center to help raise money for charity. Four armed thugs show up, knock him out and then steal all of the toys that shelter has purchased for poor kids. A skeptical police detective doesn't believe his story and implies he was somehow involved, but has a chance of tune once the same thugs rob the Salvation Army. Worried the kids are going to think he's a (insert DOLEMITE nod here) "rat soup-eatin' motherfucka" and their "merry mother fuckin' Christmas" is gonna "suck ass," Black Santa decides to go drown his sorrows at the local strip club. There, he spots one of the thugs and decides to follow him back to his gang's headquarters armed with a shotgun.

Black Santa shoots several guys (even blowing a hole through one), rips off an ear and pokes out eyeballs with his fingers, then finds out one of his co-workers is the mastermind behind the robbery. There's also a (terrible) CGI head explosion, some brief T&A and Ken gets to spout some one-liners ("Makin' my list, checkin' it twice, gonna put all your mother fuckers on ice!") while doing all of this. When I acquired a copy of this (which is based on an underground comic book of the same name by the director), I figured it would have to be fun. Surprisingly enough, it's not. It's actually kind of depressing, not particularly funny or clever, just too damn obvious in its pseudo-hip wanna be blaxploitation retro vibe and just another example of something trying to glide along on concept, without any talent behind the actual execution. I am, however, thankful for the short running time.

★1/2

Snowbeast (1977) (TV)

Directed by:
Herb Wallerstein

Rill Lodge and Ski Resort is celebrating their 50th Anniversay with a Winter Carnival bash. Owner Carrie Rill (Sylvia Sidney) has many festivities planned for her guests; guaranteed to be "A day and night weeks orgy of fun and games!" Visitors can compete in cross country, alpine and freestyle skiing, snow mobile and dog sled racing and hot dogging. There are even special appearances by this year's Snow Queen Betty Jo (Jacquie Botts) as well as a washed-up, out-of-work former Olympic skiing star and gold medalist. Just leave it to a snowbeast to show up and ruin everybody's fun! While out on the slopes, Jennifer (Kathy Christopher) and her whiny friend Heidi (Annie McEnroe) find a large footprint in the snow, then hear a loud, animalistic growling noise. Heidi immediately takes off, leaving poor Jennifer behind to get killed. Carrie's grandson Tony (Robert Logan) and his buddies on the ski patrol head out looking for her but only find Jennifer's tattered and bloody clothing. When Tony goes back to report the incident to Grandma, she takes a page from every other greedy business owner character in an animal-attack movie and convinces him not to say anything until after the carnival is over.

Carrie blames Jennifer's disappearance on an unfortunate avalanche and goes about her business. Meanwhile, down-on-his-luck Gar Seberg (Bo Svenson), that former Olympian, shows up with his unsupportive and fed up TV reporter wife Ellen (Yvette Mimieux). Gar's looking for a job and Tony instantly hires him as a ski school director. After all, having a living legend on staff probably would be good for business. Better for business than, say, a snowbeast occasionally mauling and eating your clientele. As with most made-for-TV movies, regardless of premise, this gives us a little non-beast melodrama to sink our bloody fangs into. Ellen is falling out of love with Gar, who she thinks has been paralyzed by his past glories and unable to be a productive member of society. Since Ellen and Tony used to be an item, she finds herself being drawn to him all over again, and vice versa.

Ellen, who'd previously done an entire television special about "The Big Foot Controversy" (whatta coincidence!) goes out on her own looking for the beast and gets lost. Meanwhile, a Ski Patrolman (Thomas Babson) gets killed, Jennifer's body turns up at a farm and Sheriff Cole Paraday (Clint Walker) shows up to investigate. Paraday enlists Tony and Gar's aid in hunting down and killing the creature. Before they can get started on that, the creature goes to a high school gymnasium and disrupts the crowning on the Snow Queen by killing her mother. Gar manages to locate Ellen hiding out in a barn (Hey, there's nothing like a Yeti on the loose to help rekindle one's marriage, eh?) and then they, along with the Sheriff and Tony, camp out in the general vicinity the snowbeast has been lurking to hunt it down.

Big Foot and JAWS-style movies were both hugely popular in the late 70s, so this production is really a no-brainer. Instant success! The story's predictable as can be, the ending isn't all that exciting, they really overdo the skiing footage and POV camerawork, the monster costume (which is barely even seen) is average and there are frequent freeze frame fades to red (commercial time!), but this is passable brainless entertainment, the location filming is good and most of the acting is decent, with Svenson especially likable in the lead. There are also a few amusing moments in here, such as when the monster kicks a pile of logs and sends them rolling down the hill to overturn our heroes' truck and camper! It was film at the Crested Butte Ski Resort in Colorado.

There were multiple VHS releases (from Goodtimes, WorldVision Home Video and others) and now - as a public domain title - this is even easier (and cheaper) to find than ever before.

★★