Rush Week (1989)

Directed by:
Bob Bralver

Raunchy comedies set on college campuses were very popular in the 80s (and still are). So were slasher movies (ditto). RUSH WEEK combines the two and the results are, surprisingly enough, not too bad. Ambitious journalism major Toni Daniels (Pamela Ludwig), a new transfer to Tambers College, immediately joins the school paper and is given her first assignment; covering Rush Week activities. Toni's actually more interested in stories with some meat to them, such as what happened to Julie Ann McGuffin (Kathleen Kinmont), a law student just reported missing by a concerned roommate. While covering her assigned story, Toni bumps into hunky b.m.o.c. Jeffrey Jacobs (Dean Hamilton), begins seeing him and finds out his former girlfriend, who was also the daughter of school dean Russel Grail (Roy Thinnes), was viciously murdered the previous year. All of the new victims (killed by a cloaked, masked figure brandishing a medieval axe) have been secretly posing nude for fat, bald, bearded cafeteria worker Arnold Krangen (John Donovan), who pays the ladies off with marked hundred dollar bills.

Unlike many of its slasherkin, there's something of a plot here and, while a bit routine at times, the storyline, plot twists and roster of multiple suspects are handled with competence by both the director and writers. Ludwig gives an appealing performance, which is pretty important to the film's success since it revolves mostly around her character. The fact she also enlists the aid of fellow college chums in medical and computer studies was also a clever touch. However, I doubt someone as bright as she appears to be would put herself in the situation she does at the finale. Production values are mostly fine and a good number of the supporting actresses provide the requisite T&A. One thing that's noticably missing is gore, and that's not going to set too well with some viewers. In fact, you have to wait over an hour to get any blood at all (the first three kills are all off-screen). Even then, there's just a quickie axe-to-the-chest and a decapitation.

As with nearly every post-ANIMAL HOUSE film set on a college campus, the humor is pretty crude (parties! mooning! grave robbing!) and a decent amount of time is dedicated to showcasing it. Jeffrey's frat house, where all the cool, fun-loving guys hang, is in some kind of rivalry with another frat house full of stuffy, rich, uptight preps. During one scene, Jeff and a few of his brothers crash a classy reception at their snobby rivals' home and substitute a gay cowboy porno for their initiation video. Other comic gems involve sneaking an actual human finger into a guy's french fries (guess someone just saw THE HITCHER) and tricking a prostitute into screwing a corpse! Rush Week at this particular school also culminates in an annual "fright night" costume party. They even get The Dickies to show up and perform two songs. Their entertaining show involves the lead singer popping out of a coffin dressed like a vampire and the lead guitarist wielding a hilariously huge chainsaw-guitar.

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Gregg Allman of all people shows up as Toni's student advisor/boss. He's a hippie named Cosmo and one of his two briefs scenes has him meditating in a room with a topless woman. Arthur Roberts (who plays the alien guy in the 1988 remake of NOT OF THIS EARTH) makes an even briefer (uncredited) appearance as a future college student's father. The cast also includes Todd Eric Andrews (star of ZAPPED AGAIN!, another campus comedy), Laura Burkett (the girl featured in the BLOOD BEACH ad art) and Dominick Brascia (director of EVIL LAUGH and others).

★★1/2

Girls on the Road (1972)

...aka: Hot Summer Week

Directed by:

Thomas J. Schmidt

Self-proclaimed "wallflowers" Karen Moore (Dianne Hull), bespeckled class valedictorian, and Debbie Rae (Kathleen Cody), blonde cheerleader, plan a week-long trip to Big Sur for their graduation and to get away from their overly-strict parents. Before they arrive at their destination, the little hellraisers break about every single traffic violation in the course of about two minutes, cause a traffic accident by slamming on their brakes, cause a second accident by flashing a guy, drive around flipping everyone the bird and get pulled over by the cops for "littering" (i.e. throwing one of their bras out the window). They discuss losing their virginity, argue a little and giggle a lot. Just missing out on a news broadcast about a psycho strangler on the loose, they also decide it would be a swell idea to start picking up hitchhikers. Well, except for ones who are ugly ("Ugh, who'd pick them up?") or gay ("That's all we need... a couple of fags!"). I guess some could view this as being typical teenage behavior, but it didn't exactly make me not want to see them cross paths with the serial killer. Which, of course, is exactly what happens.

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The misadventure of the carefree girls are cut with the story of Will (Michael Ontkean), a young soldier just back from 'Nam who's naturally pretty fucked up. Blue-tinted flashbacks show his therapy sessions, where he's basically brushed off by his uncaring shrink (Michael Kopsche). Will gets into a bar brawl, smashes a bottle over a guy's head and kicks another in the crotch right before hitting the highway to hitch a ride. Guess who pulls over to give him a lift? Why Karen and Debbie, of course! Will's on his way to "The Institution;" a free love hippie commune where he thinks guru John (Ralph Waite, the patriarch of The Waltons) can help him. Karen ends up falling for troubled hottie Will, while Debbie becomes intrigued by older man John, but both are apprehensive about giving up their virtue to either of those sketchy cats. Not even up for consideration is a weird-o hippie named "The Maker" (John McMurty), who carries around a dove, stares intensely at the girls, likes to wear glittery face paint and reminded me of Buffalo Bill from THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS.

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Primarily a coming-of-age tale where our naive heroines must quickly grow up after being forced into various unpleasant, bizarre and/or sexual situations, it also certainly has a place in the horror genre (and was promoted as such on video), with the serial killer aspect, a stragulation, various mentally-disturbed characters and a killer who - once finally revealed - goes completely nutzoid and attacks with an axe. The acting isn't bad, but there's a God awful AM radio tune ("Fantasy in Love") that plays repeatedly and the film doesn't appear to have actually been finished, concluding with a highly unsatisfying freeze frame right when things start getting good.

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The cast includes Pamela Serpe (wife of actor Greg Evigan) as a hippie seductress, Cliff Emmich as a truck driver, stuntman-turned-director Charlie Picerni and 70's skin flick queen Uschi Digard, who can be seen for about five seconds sitting on the beach. There's no DVD to my knowledge, just an ancient VHS released by Unicorn Video.

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★★

La vergine di Norimberga (1963)

... aka: Back to the Killer

... aka: Castle of Terror, The

... aka: Horror Castle

... aka: Panic
... aka: Terror Castle

... aka: Virgin of Nuremberg, The

Directed by:

Antonio Margheriti

Max Hunter (George Riviere) and his wife Mary (Rossana Podesta) arrive in Germany from the U.S. to stay in a huge ancestral castle formerly occupied by Max's dead father, who presumably passed away during WWII. The home comes equipped with a butler named Fritz, a Mrs. Danvers-like maid named Marta (played by Anny Degli Uberti), a few servant girls and the mysterious, facially scarred Erich (Christopher Lee), who was a former colleague of the father's and runs a museum out of the castle dedicated to showcasing various torture devices. Their very first night there, Mary is awakened by a thunderstorm and screaming. She goes downstairs and finds a freshly-killed woman inside an iron maiden type contraption called a "Virgin of Nuremberg;" a sarcophagus with strategically placed spikes that gouge out the eyes when the door is closed.

Mary passes out and awakens the next day only to discover the body is missing and no one believes her story, despite the fact one of the servants has turned up missing. Everyone around her seems like they're hiding something, which only feeds her paranoia. The husband promptly goes away on business and a hooded figure tries to break into Mary's room later that night. She stabs him on the hand, escapes and later ends up catching the same figure kidnapping a woman (Lucile Saint-Simon) and dragging her to a torture chamber located underneath the castle. There, the woman has a cage strapped to her face, where a hungry rat is unleashed from the other side to gnaw off part of her nose! What's going on? Who's the cloaked figure? Why is he killing women? Why is an American FBI agent (played by Jim Dolen) lurking about? And why is everyone in the house acting so damn sneaky? Everything's conveniently wrapped up with some WWII flashbacks, which mixes newly filmed scenes with stock footage.

The art direction, sets and Riccardo Pallottini's lush color cinematography are all ace in this great-looking, nicely done Gothic horror. The pacing is much brisker than many similar films from the period and the film never really seems to drag. It's also quite grisly at times. There are some exciting moments in here too, such as when one of the men find themselves in an enclosed room quickly filling with water, while Margheriti is able to showcase a nice visual eye in scenes such as when our heroine is frantically running around outside and we see flashes of the trees illuminated by flashes of red or orange. Though the dubbing and dialogue are a bit annoying at times, the storyline itself is both fun and holds some surprise. The wrap-up is fairly well-done, and the unveiling of the identity of the hooded killer is one of those great Phantom of the Opera-esque horror moments worth waiting for. One thing I didn't care much for was Riz Ortolani's overbearing score, which is sometimes inappropriately jazzy, especially at the start.

It was based on a novel by Frank Bogart, which was adapted by Margheriti (who also did the special effects), Ernesto Gastaldi and Edmond T. Greville, (who directed the 1960 version of The Hands of Orlac which also featured Lee and Saint-Simon). It was originally released in the U.S. in a cut version titled Horror Castle. The 2004 DVD release from Shriek Show (under the original title The Virgin of Nuremberg) looks great and is uncut, though Lee has been dubbed by another actor even in this English-language version.

★★★

Woodchipper Massacre (1988)

Directed by:

Jon McBride

Donna Michelle Productions was a very short-lived indy distributor who pissed off a lot of people during the 80s by releasing some of the absolute worst amateur home video horrors known to man. Their catalogue included such titles as THE ABOMINATION (1986), SPLATTER FARM (1987), the seldom-seen documentary MONSTERS & MANIACS (1988) and this would-be black comedy from the same guy responsible for CANNIBAL CAMPOUT (1988), also a Donna Michelle exclusive. There's no two ways about this one. You'll either find it amusing and endearingly awful or you'll want to rip your hair out one strand at a time from sheer aggravation. Unfortunately, I'm in the second camp. The loud overacting and incessant mugging for the camcorder from the entire obnoxious cast is downright merciless. It just never stops. I found it slightly amusing for about five minutes... And then I just wanted to be put out of my misery.

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Dad (Perren Page) is going to be out of town for business, so he leaves his three kids - eldest son Jon (the director), middle daughter Denice (Denice Edeal) and youngest Tom (Tom Casiello) - in the care of their dear Aunt Tess (Patricia McBride) for the entire weekend. Tess is not only a terrible cook but she's also a fascist, religious nutso bitch who never shuts up and won't let them watch horror movies. She refuses to let grown Jon go on a date. Denice can't even dust a table to her satisfaction. And she forbids little Tom from listening to rock music, demands he clean his pig sty of a room and tries to confiscate his prized Rambo survivalist knife as soon as he gets it in the mail. Not only that, she has a catalogue of annoying bible quotes and old school phrases that constitute the majority of her dialogue.

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During a struggle in the kitchen over the knife, Tom accidentally stabs auntie. The three then decide to dismember her corpse, freeze the body parts and then feed them through a wood chipper in the backyard. So what are they gonna do when Tess' ex-con son Kim (Kim Bailey) shows up looking for his momma and some money? Probably exactly what you think they're gonna do. But will they be able to adequately disposes of two bodies and clean up the yard before dad gets back? The suspense just wasn't killing me and this barely even qualifies as a horror film, let alone a "massacre." I don't really hold that against it, but what I do have a problem with is the fact none of this was particularly clever or funny and it's far too tame to be the outrageous black comedy it so desperately wants to be. The cartoon-like music score is appropriate for the material but the director seems to have coached the cast to scream every one of their lines, likely so the camera's built-in microphone would pick it up.

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Mr. McBride would later form an unholy union with the Polonia Brothers, which would result in such efforts as FEEDERS (1996), FEEDERS 2: SLAY BELLS (1998), BLOOD RED PLANET (2000) and many more. Even though there are thousands of excellent movies out there with no DVD release, this one has one (complete with audio commentary) from the recently revived Camp Motion Pictures.

★1/2

You'll Like My Mother (1972)

Directed by:

Lamont Johnson

Young widow Francesca (Patty Duke) travels via bus to a small, snowbound Minnesota town to visit the mother-in-law her late soldier husband (who was killed during the Vietnam War) was dying to introduce her to before his untimely passing. Immediately upon arriving, Francesca is shocked to find herself greeted with outright cruelty from her husband's bitter, icy mother Katherine Kinsolving (Rosemary Murphy). Mrs. Kinsolving claims she knew nothing of her son's marriage, doesn't hesitate to tell her she's not wanted there, insinuates that all she cares about is money and suggests Francesca, who's very pregnant and about to pop at any moment, give the baby up for adoption! Also living in the home is mute, mentally retarded Kathleen (Sian Barbara Allen), a sister the husband failed to mention even having. Francesca plans to leave as soon as possible and catch the first bus out, but finds herself stranded when her mother-in-law's car won't start. The weather gets worse, the roads are eventually blocked off and she finds herself in a hellish situation with people who may or may not be who they actually claim they are, including Kenny (a pre-Waltons Richard Thomas), a family "cousin" who's lurking in the shadows and might be a rapist and murderer on the lam.

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Francesca's food and drinks are drugged, she's locked up in an upstairs bedroom and finally ends up going into labor. Mrs. Kinsolving, a nurse, helps her during delivery, but claims the baby is stillborn and orders her daughter to dig a hole and bury it in the backyard! Kathleen may not be all there, but she's a good-hearted type who has instead hid the baby in the attic. She also scores a key for the room and gives it to Francesca, so she can sneak out to care for the baby until the snow clears and there's an opportunity for her to escape.

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Based on a then-popular novel by Naomi A. Hintze, adapted for the screen by Jo Heims (who'd just scored with PLAY MISTY FOR ME), this extremely unpleasant but absorbing and compelling psychological horror tale manages to separate itself from similar films in a variety of ways. On the outset, it may remind one most of the 1965 Hammer effort DIE! DIE! MY DARLING! (1965), but it's completely without that film's over-the-top camp appeal contributed mainly by the larger-than-life presence of Tallulah Bankhead. Here, the premise is disturbing and completely plausible. The wintery atmosphere, and the feel of being trapped and isolated, is milked for all its worth and the suspense and tension are both expertly modulated throughout. The sick relationship that unfolds between Mrs. Kinsolving and Kenny is done with a fair amount of tact. Best of all, the director has managed to get four outstanding performances from his actors.

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I just recently gave Duke a hard time for her shrill portrayal of Rosemary in LOOK WHAT'S HAPPENED TO ROSEMARY'S BABY (1976), but she gives a terrific performance in this one. You genuinely feel invested in her character (she's poor, doesn't have a family of her own, has recently lost her husband and now finds herself in this horrible situation) and care about what happens to her and her little baby. Ditto for the little-known Allen (who received a Golden Globe nomination for her work here), who's excellent in a memorable role as the abused Kathleen, a role that requires her to convey everything through unintelligible grunts and facial expressions alone. The usually wholesome Thomas is suprisingly creepy and Murphy is perfection as the ice cold mother-from-hell.

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One minor flaw here is the clumsy use of voice-over narration to convey Francesca's inner thoughts. Though thankfully only used a couple of times, it struck me as being completely unnecessary. Sometimes erroneously listed as a made-for-TV movie, this actually received a limited theatrical release in 1972 via Universal before making its TV debut a year later on NBC.

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★★★1/2

Zodiac Killer, The (1971)

...aka: Zodiac
...aka: Zodiak Killer, The

Directed by:
Tom Hanson

The Zodiac Killer terrorized Northern California in the late 60s / early 70s, claiming at least seven known victims (though he himself claimed thirty-seven) and sending bizarre cryptograms to local newspapers that he demanded be printed or else he'd kill again. To this day, no one has been able to uncover his identity, but the killer and his crimes went on to influence many novels and just as many movies. Everything from the psycho hunted down by Clint Eastwood in Dirty Harry (1971) and Brad Dourif's "Gemini Killer" in Exorcist III (1990) to films ranging from David Fincher's big-budget and critically acclaimed Zodiac (2007) to Ulli Lommel's low-budget and critically-panned Zodiac Killer (2005) and Curse of the Zodiac (2007) bear the elusive psycho's mark. However, I believe this film (released to theaters in 1972) was actually the very first to directly address the crimes. Well, unless the porno The Zodiac Rapist, released the same year, somehow beat it to theaters. Interestingly, I've read several places that the producers made this in hopes of helping to catch the real killer; figuring he might frequent the showings and be apprehended! It's fascinating to think about, and I'd say it's pretty likely that the real killer (who kept in contact with the police until the later part of the 70s) did go see this at least once for a laugh. Hey, if someone made a movie about you, could you resist seeing it?

To wipe away any doubt that this is just a cheap, sensationalist attempt to cash in on tragedy (nice try), this opens with a letter from an honest to goodness San Francisco Chronicle reporter telling us that some of the scenes and dialogue may "seem strange and unreal" but the film's goal "is not to win commercial awards but to create an 'awareness of present danger.'" And to be fair, some scenes accurately depict the actual case, such as the how some of the murders are committed, the notes to the press, the cross / circle symbol, the killer writing on a car door and a couple of other elements. The rest is a mixture of gritty, taut murder scenes mixed with terrible amateur acting, some truly mean-spirited (yet hilariously delivered) dialogue and a psychological profile on what type of person the nutjob might be. Apparently the makers of this film speculate it's either an impotent, rabbit-loving mail carrier or a wig-wearing over-the-hill gigolo.

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The younger of the two suspects, Jerry (Hal Reed), is a moody mailman who shrugs off female companionship to chill with his pet bunnies. The older one, Grover (Bob Jones), is a truck driver who is behind on his rent, hates his ex-wife with a passion, is extremely insecure about both his occupation and being bald and has a long criminal record. Grover lies about being a businessman and wears a wig to try to attract ladies with little success. During one scene, his date rips off his wife and angrily screams "I never met a bald-headed bastard I could trust!" Jerry just ain't all that interested. Grover wants split custody of his daughter and runs to the garage to get a hack saw when he's fighting with the ex. Jerry gets upset that rabbit stew is being served in a diner and carries around a fake rubber nose (?) in his travel bag. One of these fellas is the killer, but who is it? Your question will be answered sooner than you think at around the midway point. After that, the psycho basically just continues his murder spree and kneels down at a shrine while proclaiming "I am the Supreme Zodiac!"

A pair of detectives; Sgt. Tom Pittman (Ray Lynch) and Officer Ken Heller (played by, uh, Tom Pittman) investigate. The victims are mostly shot, but one couple are tied-up and stabbed, a guy has his ear cut off and an unfortunate elderly lady is hit over the head with a tire and then crushed when a car is dropped on her! Can't say that I was ever bored while watching this. In fact, I laughed. A lot. Not sure if that was the director's intention or not, but some of the sick humor is obviously intentional. The cast includes comedian Doodles Weaver, future Oscar-winning screenwriter Robert Towne (credited as "Robert Tubin") sitting at the bar and Richard Garrison (who later starred in The Crater Lake Monster).

The DVD is from Something Weird, who have paired it with THE SEX KILLER (1965) and ZERO IN AND SCREAM (1971) for their "Sharpshooter Triple Bill." Both of the other films also feature serial killers, but lean more toward "roughie" sexploitation than horror, while Zodiac has no sex and no nudity.

★★

Uninvited (1987)

Directed by:
Greydon Clark

I have a couple of cats of my own and it seems like I'm constantly cleaning gunk up off the floor that's left behind by my furry little buddies. The fluffy orange kitty in UNINVITED has a similar problem... but instead of hacking up hairballs or excess food, it occassionally goes buck wild and pukes up a tiny-but-deadly mutant creature that's taking refuge inside its belly! Why? Dunno. But it did escape from a government research lab and the scientists there mention cancer research, which we horror fans know always spells trouble. As the cat runs around, some other shady things are going on at a resort area during Spring Break. A trio of murderous criminals; hard-assed grump Mike (George Kennedy), womanizer Walter (Alex Cord) and goofy drunk Albert (Clu Gulager, with a set of oversized dentures) swindle three million dollars and plot to get away on a yacht to be captained by a one-woman crew named Rachel (Toni Hudson). A couple of oblivious young bimbos - Suzanne (Shari Shattuck) and Bobbie (Clare Carey) - end up catching Walter's eye and he invites them to come along on the trip. The ladies, in turn, invite three other guys; Corey (Rob Estes) and Lance (Beau Dremann) and brainy Martin (Eric Larson), and right before they get on board the ship, they find the cat. Suzanne instantly falls in love with it and insist it come along, too. Mr. Kennedy isn't too happy about any of this. But then again, he never is.
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Tensions mount between the criminals and the others after an attempted rape and things just get worse when mutant kitty starts attacking and killing everyone off one by one. Even a scratch from the little sucker leads to a nasty and fatal infection where the wounds pulsate and explode. Surprisingly, all this somehow managed to secure a PG-13 rating. Though there's no nudity or over-the-top profanity, the film does have enough violence and blood to seriously put its rating into question. Veins swell and squirt blood, fingers are bitten off, a face is melted off with hot steam and a neck and ankle get chewed up real good. Of the three veterans in the cast, two make an early exit, but Kennedy is pretty hilarious while he's around. Shattuck (previously seen in DEATH SPA) also seems to be having fun. Strangely, the two worst actors end up being the last two standing. Boo on that.
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Still, for 80s cheese movie fans, the premise and handpuppet cat creature alone merit this a look. Director Clark (who also wrote, produced and has a cameo during the opening sequence) might not be a genre luminary, but he does come up with some amusingly absurd concepts (see also: SATAN'S CHEERLEADERS and WITHOUT WARNING). Austin Stoker appears in a small role. Dick Warlock and Spice Williams were stunt performers.
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★ SBIG