Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman (2000)

... aka: Jack Frost II

Directed by:
Michael Cooney

First he was "chillin' and killin'." Now he's "icin' and slicin'." And viewers will be "moanin'" and "groanin'" through this collection of pea-brained gags, cringe-inducing puns and the cartoon-gore exploits of Jack Frost, the serial psycho / mutant killer snowman. Sheriff Sam Tiler (Christopher Allport) is still haunted by the events of the first film a year later and no one outside of his immediate circle believes his story. Even his shrink (Ian Abercrombie) laughs as he recounts his tale. It's Christmastime and Sam and his wife Anne (Eileen Seeley) are going to spend their holidays away from the wintery chill of Snowmonton on a Caribbean island. Accompanying them on the trip are newly engaged couple Marla (Marsha Clark), the police dispatcher, and Joe (Chip Heller), the dimwitted deputy, both of whom had a hand in defeating the psycho snowman the first go around. Jack's remains have laid dormant in jugs of antifreeze in an unmarked grave for all that time, but a couple of yahoos in need of money have just dug him up and sold him to a science lab for study. A janitor knocks a mug of coffee into a fishtank full of the antifreeze, the tank explodes and Jack's remains seep into a drain. "Things to do, revenge to take."

Everyone arrives at the Tropicana Resort and we're briefly introduced to all our fodder. The Colonel (Ray Cooney) runs the joint, with help from his assistant Bobby (Tai Bennett), and is dead set on everyone having a great time. Even more invested in the fun factor is spastic, irritating activities director Captain Fun (Sean Patrick Murphy), who does childish voices that would make Dave Coulier shake him head in embarrassment, uses annoying phrases like "party pooper dooper" and has a bad habit of barging into rooms unannounced. A trio of teen bimbos; Rose (Jennifer Lyons), Ashlea (Shonda Farr) and Paisley (Granger Green), are there on their very first trip without the parents and flamboyant photographer Greg (Paul Hansen Kim) shows up to do a calendar shoot along with models Sarah (Melanie Good) and Cindy (Stephanie Shon Chao). Jack is also on his way there by sea, stopping along the way to kill a couple of shipwreck survivors (including future HELLBOY star Doug Jones) floating around on an inflatable raft and fighting over their last carrot, which Jack, of course, needs to complete his costume.

After acquiring his carrot, Jack shows up on the beach late that night and kills off the teen girls. He turns into a giant anvil and squashes one, knocks one over onto some icicles and gouges out another's eyeballs with a pair of tongs. When a couple stumbles upon the remains of one of the girls the next day, The Colonel talks them out of saying anything with the offer of free room service (?!) During the next sequence, one of the models uses Jack in ice cube form to get her nipples hard for her photo shoot. After he makes her head explode, he then kills the photographer while doing a lisping gay voice. Agent Manners (played by David Allen Brooks this time), who managed to survive getting his face chomped in the original, also happens to be living on the same island and shows up to help. Jack proceeds to freeze the entire resort, somehow makes it snow and begins slaughtering everyone else in sight.

A naked woman drowns in a pool when Jack freezes the surface, a man gets his tongue ripped out after getting it stuck to a pole ("Cowatongue-a dude!" [ugh!]), an arm is ripped off and others are killed with icicles and snowballs. The survivors loads up their Super Soakers with antifreeze and try to take out Jack but learn he's now immune to the stuff. They also discover that Jack can now give birth to a bunch of cute little toothy snowbabies that like to gouge out eyeballs and bite off fingers. They also enjoy riding around on turntables, dangling from lamps, sipping drinks through straws, doing conga lines and riding on skateboards in scenes that rip off GREMLINS (1984) and CRITTERS (1986).

How about a Jack Frost 3? ... Anyone? Anyone?

Like the original, this is purposely stupid and campy. Unlike the first, which had reasonable production values and some fun moments, this is a real chore to get through and only really becomes fast-paced and fun toward the end. There are loads of horrible one-liners and puns (much more than in the first), the characters are extremely irritating and instead of relying on traditional effects, this one utilizes some CGI with varying degrees of success. There's more gore here and a welcome gratuitious nude scene, but neither is enough to make up for the rest of it. Lead actor Allport, who spent a lot of his screen time in these two films dodging snowballs and such, ironically died in 2008 while out snow skiing. The cause of death? An avalanche.

★1/2

Jack Frost (1996)

Directed by:
Michael Cooney

He'd stick knives in their faces and cut out their tummies, and stamp on their heads till their brains got all runny. Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, Jack gouged out eyes with candlesticks. He smashed in skulls with sticks and stones, used iron bars to crush their bones so he could hide his kills in tiny places and he wouldn't have to see their faces...

After a five-year-long reign of terror that included hiding the body parts of his victims in pecan pies, serial killer Jack Frost (Sam MacDonald) has finally been apprehended. On a cold and snowy winter night, Jack's being escorted to death row when his transport van collides with a chemical truck and some kind of top-secret body altering chemical is unleashed. It splashes into Jack's face, melts his body, somehow blends his DNA in with the snow and the end result is a talking snowman with psychopathic tendencies and a never-ending series of lousy one-liners. Well, at least "It ain't fuckin' Frosty!" Jack now wants revenge against nice guy smalltown Sheriff Sam Tiler (Christopher Allport), the man responsible for his arrest and heads on over to the secluded small town Snomonton to start killing off the populace.

Sheriff Sam's been haunted by nightmares ever since he arrested Jack and things are about to get even worse, starting with the mysterious death of an old man who's had his neck snapped by something powerful yet cushy and soft. Then the snowman materializes in Sam's front yard long enough to push a bully down in front of a sled and decapitate him. The death is initially blamed on the Sheriff's son (Zack Eginton), but that soon changes when more people are killed. A man has an axe handle shoved down his throat and his wife is strangled with lights, has her face cut up with busted ornaments and then has a star jammed through the top of her head. A deputy gets run over. Shannon Elizabeth gets a start on her long and illustrious career by getting raped to death in the bathtub by the snowman. Because of all the deaths, a curfew has been put in order and all the townspeople congregate at the local church. But knowing there's a psycho on the loose doesn't stop Sam's wife Anne (Eileen Seeley) from going back to her home all by herself just to get some blankets!

FBI Agent Manners (Stephen Mendel), who has a field day trying to belittle the Sheriff, and scientist Dr. Stone (Rob La Belle), show up in town to explain to the Sheriff that he's up against the "world's most pissed-off snowcone." Jack has the ability to quickly melt and re-freeze to sneak under doorways and through faucets, shoots sharp icicles out of his mitten, er, hand and constantly spouts off at the mouth. Hey, "I only axed ya for a smoke!" Our heroes must devise a way to stop the "world's most pissed-off snowcone," which include using hair dryers, blowing him up, luring him into a furnace and, finally, taking him for a dive into a truck bed full of antifreeze. p.s. If little Zack wants you eat his "special;" don't, if you value your life.

Jack Frost defies the obvious criticisms. This is an incredibly stupid movie that knows good and well that it's an incredibly stupid movie and refuses to ever take itself seriously. In short, this was made simply to be goofy, campy and fun. Whether you find it any of the above is going to depend entirely on what kind of person you are. I did chuckle a few times watching this, for sure, but spending an hour and a half watching someone making fun of their own intentionally stupid concept isn't going to be everyone's cup of cocoa, and that's completely understandable. Either way, this is a good-looking, nicely-shot and fast-paced movie with plenty of mayhem and brainless action.

JACK FROST 2: REVENGE OF THE GIANT MUTANT SNOWMAN (1999) - coming soon to a blog near you! - brought back cast members Allport, Seeley, Marsha Clark (who plays a smart-ass police dispatcher) and Chip Heller (a deputy). It was also made by writer / director Cooney and again featured the voice of MacDonald as the title character. There was also a family movie out in between these two called Jack Frost (1998), which starred Michael Keaton as a guy who dies and returns as a snowman.

★★1/2

Black Santa's Revenge (2007)

Directed by:
David Walker

Veteran horror star Ken Foree, from such classics as George A. Romero's DAWN OF THE DEAD (1978), Stuart Gordon's FROM BEYOND (1986) and Michael Fischa's DEATH SPA (1987)... well, ok, scratch that last one... stars in this 20-minute horror-comedy short, which he also co-produced. Needing some good karma because of his checkered criminal past, an unnamed man (Foree) donates his time playing Santa at a local community center to help raise money for charity. Four armed thugs show up, knock him out and then steal all of the toys that shelter has purchased for poor kids. A skeptical police detective doesn't believe his story and implies he was somehow involved, but has a chance of tune once the same thugs rob the Salvation Army. Worried the kids are going to think he's a (insert DOLEMITE nod here) "rat soup-eatin' motherfucka" and their "merry mother fuckin' Christmas" is gonna "suck ass," Black Santa decides to go drown his sorrows at the local strip club. There, he spots one of the thugs and decides to follow him back to his gang's headquarters armed with a shotgun.

Black Santa shoots several guys (even blowing a hole through one), rips off an ear and pokes out eyeballs with his fingers, then finds out one of his co-workers is the mastermind behind the robbery. There's also a (terrible) CGI head explosion, some brief T&A and Ken gets to spout some one-liners ("Makin' my list, checkin' it twice, gonna put all your mother fuckers on ice!") while doing all of this. When I acquired a copy of this (which is based on an underground comic book of the same name by the director), I figured it would have to be fun. Surprisingly enough, it's not. It's actually kind of depressing, not particularly funny or clever, just too damn obvious in its pseudo-hip wanna be blaxploitation retro vibe and just another example of something trying to glide along on concept, without any talent behind the actual execution. I am, however, thankful for the short running time.

★1/2