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Saturday, March 22, 2014

Lizzie Borden's Revenge (2013)

... aka: Axe is Back, The
... aka: Lizzie Borden's Revenge: The Axe is Back

Directed by:
Dennis Devine

"We conjured up the ghost of Lizzie Borden and now her lesbian ass is haunting our sorority house?!"


In Fall River, Massachusetts in 1892, Lizzie Borden (Jenny Allford) chops up her religious fanatic parents (mom is played by veteran Scream Queen Brinke Stevens, who certainly deserves better than this boring cameo) because they disapprove of her being a lesbian. This first scene alone, with its terrible acting, an exterior shot of a house that looks absolutely nothing like the real Borden house (they probably should have opted for a still photo), barren porn-level "art direction" and hilariously bad CGI blood splatter, pretty much sets the tone for what's to follow. And it's not a pretty picture, folks. Things cut to modern day as seven sorority sisters face "punishment" for being caught (gasp!) drinking. So what does this punishment entail? Well, it involves missing a Spring Break trip to Florida and something about them being locked up inside Lizzie Borden's former house and being forced to have a slumber party dressed only in their lingerie.









During a game of Truth or Dare, nerdy Cindy (Kelly Erin Decker) decides that for her dare they all should hold a séance to call forth the spirit of Lizzie. One of the girls, Leslie (hardcore porno actress Veronica Ricci), happens to be a descendant of the Borden clan and immediately becomes possessed. The other girls are Amanda (Marlene Mc'Cohen), whose mentally-disturbed younger sister Vanessa (Krystal Ellsworth) has managed to sneak inside, Dee (Tiffany Mualem), who has severe anger management issues, Janice (Ginny You), who is an uptight tattle-tale, Ashley (Mindy Robinson), a tattooed, silicone-chested slut, and Mallory (Shanalynne Wesner), whose attempt to take naughty birthday pics for her boyfriend results in pervert photographer Bobby (Michael Beardsley) breaking into the house armed with a handycam to shoot material to upload onto his porno website. The above characters talk, and wander down hallways, and talk some more, and run up the stairs, and talk, and sit on the couch and argue and whine and argue some more. It's about as much fun as it sounds. Every once in awhile, Lizzie (in crappy dime store Halloween kit level makeup) pops in to kill someone off.









Even as a longtime fan of low-budget trashy horror flicks - including the same director's DEAD GIRLS (1990) - this sunk too low even for me. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue ("I'm not retarded... I'm mentally imbalanced!") and attempts at character arcs (like the photographer's sudden big 'coming out' moment... don't ask) are cringe-worthy, the makeup and fx are extremely lame, the editing is terrible... Well, actually, *everything* is terrible. Worst of all, it commits the biggest sin for one of these things by being extremely boring. Even several of the actresses getting naked doesn't help matters. The only one able to rise above the material is You, who seems to have a knack for comedy. I wouldn't mind seeing her in something else. Several of the other girls are nice to look at and a few even show hints of appeal or talent, as if they could be better given decent material, but this sure as hell isn't it.





The DVD is from TomCat films, who are also responsible for Aliens vs. Avatars (2011), Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011), Jurassic Shark (2012), Isis Rising: Curse of the Lady Mummy (2013) and other garbage.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Witchfinder General (1968)

... aka: Conqueror Worm, The
... aka: Edgar Allan Poe's Conqueror Worm
... aka: Grand Inquisitor, The
... aka: Matthew Hopkins: Conqueror Worm
... aka: Matthew Hopkins: Witchfinder General

Directed by:
Michael Reeves

Between 1644 and 1647, Matthew Hopkins, the son of a Puritan clergyman, and his associate John Stearne traveled around rural Eastern England branding (mostly) women witches and overseeing the torture (pin-pricking, sleep deprivation, starvation, drowning) and executions (usually by hanging) of hundreds. Hopkins' title of "Witchfinder General" was a self-appointed one not sanctioned by Parliament, though they were aware on his freelance activities at the time. During their three year reign of terror, the men claimed around 300 victims, which accounted for roughly 60 percent of all executions for witchcraft in the UK over a nearly three-century-long time span. This was an endeavor fueled primarily by money, power and sadistic self-satisfaction more than anything else, as Hopkins and Stearne would enter a village and be paid a hefty sum to do their "investigations" before moving on to a new area. It is said they were paid £23 per village - which is about £6000 nowadays, or nearly 10,000 U.S. dollars (!), plus traveling expenses, for their "services." Hopkins detailed his own witch-hunting techniques in his book "The Discovery of Witches" in 1947, which was later used as a text in Colonial America to commit even more atrocities, including an initial string of witch executions from 1648 until 1663 and then again in the notorious Salem Witch Trials lasting from 1692 to 1693, for a combined death toll of around 100 people. These real-life historical horrors would go to form the basis for numerous books and films over the years and remains a story worth repeating as a cautionary tale against religious extremism. When a society becomes too superstitious for their own good, there's bound to be corrupt individuals out there ready to exploit the situation for their own personal gain.







Witchfinder is based on a 1966 novel by Ronald Bassett; adapted for the screen by Tom Baker and the director, and is a rather loose and largely fictionalized portrayal of the events (a more detailed and accurate account can be found in Malcolm Gaskill's book "Witchfinders: A Seventh Century English Tragedy"). Reeves himself wanted Donald Pleasence for the title role, but co-financiers AIP (and uncredited executive producer Samuel Z. Arkoff) insisted upon Vincent Price. This was something that didn't sit too well with the ill-fated director (who passed away in 1969 of a drug overdose at age 25) and caused much tension on the set, but history has proven the casting choice to be an apt one. Price's embodiment of Hopkins is now considered one of the finest performances in the actor's long and distinguished career, as well as one of the best attributes of the film in general. Price was actually much older than the real-life Hopkins, who was somewhere between 25 and 28 years old when he died, but never mind that. This is him at his restrained, serious best with nary an edge of camp to his portrayal of the cold-blooded and thoroughly loathsome witch-hunter.







It's 1645 and England is in the midst of a bloody Civil War, dividing the country into two halves: the Royalist Party of King Charles and Cromwell's Parliamentary Party. Because of this, law and order has been delegated to province and overseen by small local governments; much to the pleasure and profit of Hopkins and his brutish cohort Stearne (a dubbed Robert Russell). The two have just received a report of witchcraft and evil doings in the small village of Brandeston and are on their way there. Meanwhile, trooper Richard Marshall (Ian Ogilvy), a soldier for Cromwell's army, has fallen in love with Sara Lowes (Hilary Dwyer) and hopes to marry her. Sara's guardian is her uncle John (Rupert Davies), a priest living in Brandeston who took her in as a young girl. When Richard arrives to ask for a marriage blessing, John senses trouble on the horizon and asks Richard to marry Sara as soon as possible, noting that "a lack of order encourages strange ideas." And he's absolutely right. Rumor has spread around town that John himself is a warlock; an "evil man," an idolater and a pagan who makes unholy signs and wears the devil's garments. And it's he who has been reported to the witch-hunters.





While Richard is away, Hopkins and Stearne arrive in Brandeston, apprehend John and put him through the paces to try to get him to confess to being a warlock. He's slapped around, has his back pricked and is chained up in a rat-infested dungeon cell. Numerous other village women will soon join him; all subject to frequent "interrogations" (beatings) by Stearne. Well, when he isn't in a local pub getting drunk and messing around with prostitutes. As a last ditch effort to spare John's life, Sara starts sleeping with Hopkins hoping he'll spare him. When Stearne finds out what the two have been up to he rapes her, and it all gets back to Matthew. John and two other women are taken to a bridge and lowered into a castle moat for the swimming test (float and live = witch / sink and die = innocent) and then carried off to a hanging tree. By the time Richard returns to Brandeston, John is dead, Sara is traumatized and has been defiled and Hopkins and Stearne have moved on to another village for more of the same. Richard, risking court-marshal and death at the gallows for desertion, saddles up his horse and heads out for revenge.







Often classed in the top tier of British horror, it's a reputation the movie mostly deserves. This was the highest-budgeted film ever for Tigon British Film Productions, but every dollar of the (still-low) budget is visible up on the screen. The production values, actors, costumes, art direction, shooting locations and score are all very good, things move along at a quick pace and, while Reeves' direction is more workmanlike than inventive, photographer John Coquillon makes the most of the tranquil British countryside and wispy skies. The film does however slip up a bit toward the end. The first hour is measured and moody and the film possesses a sort of understated luridness that's quite intoxicating, but that's all pretty much tossed out the window as the film rushes through the heroes predictable revenge during the final 20 minutes. The last few scenes are especially clumsy and are hampered by poor scene transitions and editing. Though I don't personally hold it against the film, some viewers will also have issues with the lack of historical accuracy. While some aspects are true to the facts, others aren't at all. In real life, Hopkins was never punished for his bad deeds and died at home of tuberculosis shortly after "retiring" in 1647. Likewise for Stearne, who authored "A Confirmation and Discovery of Witches" in 1648 and passed away in 1660.

Witches and their familiars courtesy of Matthew Hopkins.

John Stearne's lone contribution to the literary world.

About three minutes worth of "excessive violence and sadism" were removed by the BBFC prior to screening, which were primarily shots of pricking, drowning, witch burning and a climactic axing. In the U.S., the film played almost completely intact under the title The Conqueror Worm. This version added a narrated prologue and epilogue of Price reciting a Poe poem so that the film could pass as one of AIP's Poe films. Additional nude scenes of the tavern wenches were shot (without Reeves' assistance) for the theatrical release in Germany. The film was a financial success around the globe, which not only led to a renewed interest in Poe films but also numerous other 'witch torture' movies. Amongst the latter (most of which increased the levels of violence, sadism and sex to top what Witchfinder did) were the notorious West German productions Mark of the Devil (1970) and its sequel Mark of the Devil II (1973), Jess Franco's NIGHT OF THE BLOOD BEAST (1970; aka The Bloody Judge) and Ken Russell's acclaimed The Devils (1971). AIP even tried to tap the same well a second time with CRY OF THE BANSHEE (1970), which featured Price as another witch hunter (Dwyer was also in it).







Playing small roles are Patrick Wymark (who appeared in Tigon's Blood on Satan's Claw a few years later), Wilfred Brambell, Nicky Henson (Psychomania), Godfrey James (The Oblong Box) and Hira Talfrey (Curse of the Werewolf). Because of copyright problems, Paul Ferris' orchestral score was replaced with a synthesizer score by Kendall Schmidt for the initial U.S. home video releases. The 2007 release through MGM's Midnite Movies line remedied that and many of the other problems by presenting the original cut in restored form and with the original soundtrack intact (though minus the nude tavern scenes and Price's narration from the Conqueror Worm cut; both previously seen on the HBO VHS release). Odeon Entertainment released the definitive Blu-ray in 2011, which contains all of the above either in the film itself or as an extra feature.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Pick-up (1975)

... aka: Pazuzu
... aka: Swamp Lord

Directed by:
"Bennie" (Bernard) Hirschenson

Those damn dope-smokin' hippies are it again! Chuck (Alan Long) has been hired to transport a mobile home (fashioned out of a large bus and even with a working telephone inside!) to Tallahassee from somewhere in Southern Florida. Around Naples, he pulls over take a leak and a fun-loving free spirit named Carol (Jill Senter) comes running out an overgrown field asking for a ride. Carol also has a friend, Maureen (Gini Eastwood), who's more introspective, solemn and serious than her friend, and really into astrology ("Aries is in a time of turbulence") and tarot cards, with her. Considering both girls are attractive, Chuck is more than happy to oblige. After they smoke up ("Wanna get high?"), Carol treats a truck full of rowdy guys to a dance and a flash and then the weather starts getting windy and rainy because of a hurricane. They encounter a guy in a yellow raincoat redirecting traffic, who points them off the main road. Another sign directs them onto another road and they drive on through the night with so sign of civilization in sight. The bus  finally gets hung up in the mud and they then find themselves trapped somewhere deep in the Everglades.








Chuck and Carol take a walk, find a baby raccoon and do the free love thing (i.e. stripping off their clothes and running naked through a field), while Maureen has a strange encounter with a woman clad in white named Pythia (Bess Douglass), who emerges from the swamp and announces herself as the "Priestess of Apollo." She tells Maureen she's about to enter a new spiritual life and will serve as her successor and then says "The wrath of the python is the enemy of Apollo. He is the messenger of Pazuzu who seeks to destroy the spirit of Delphi and your God." (Say what?) Pythia then hands over a silver scepter and disappears from most of the rest of the film. Maureen finds an altar in the woods, strips off her clothes and writhes around in ecstasy. All three main characters have brief flashbacks to their childhoods and even get to play themselves as children. Maureen was raised in an oppressive religious environment, played organ and was molested on a pew by her priest right in front of a crucified Jesus statue. Carol grew up in a restrictive household with a mother who spies on her phone conversations and bitches about "the new morality," the pill and abortion. So no surprise she rebelled by becoming a sexually aggressive teenager. And Chuck's controlling mother demands he go to his room and beg for forgiveness for using a profanity.








While the two lovebirds are outside cavorting around (or on a swing together) in the nude to the tune of a song called "Touch Me" ("It's young. It's warm. It's freeeEEEEeeeeEEEeee!"), Maureen keeps flipping over grim tarot cards of "Death" and "The Devil." She's then visited by conservative Senator Max McIver (Don Penny), who discusses disarmament, Russia, abortion and starts flipping through papers about other hot button issues. Afterward, Maureen encounters a creepy clown (also Penny), who hands he a balloon and chases her around. Chuck's boss (Tom Quinn) keeps calling wondering where he is and threatening to send an airplane out to look for him. Chuck and Maureen sneak off to have sex on an altar while the clown, the priest, the senator and the goddess sneak around watching them. Carol dances around a campfire and then the group of guys she flashed earlier show up and start ripping her clothes off. There are frequent cut away shots to trees, water, the overcast sky, a python and flamingos; all accompanied by the near-constant sound of birds.




This Crown International release is not the sleazy 'hitchhiker' grindhouse flick one may expect based on the title and the poster. This is actually more art-house on a budget, made by an unknown, mostly-inexperienced cast and crew clearly aiming for something more profound than the usual drive-in exploitation flick. While it's loaded with nudity and soft-core sex scenes for the drive-in crowd, the story is nonsensical, the pacing is slow, the music is genuinely bizarre and the photography is sumptuous, dream-like and sometimes quite striking. Experimental quick-cut editing techniques in the spirit of such earlier trailblazers as Midnight Cowboy (1968) and Easy Rider (1969) are also utilized with varying degrees of success. When this works it's pretty fascinating and inventive. When it doesn't, it's blandly self-indulgent. The director ultimately - and rather unfortunately - allows this to drift off into an inaccessible realm that will only really appeal to fans of the vague and random, but it's still hard not to at least appreciate the effort that went into this.








Pick-up (shot in 14 days under the working titles of "Pazuzu" and "Swamp Lord") sat out the entire VHS era with no known releases but has since been picked up for distribution by numerous companies. It was paired with The Teacher (1974) for the 2nd installment of the "Welcome to the Grindhouse" series by BCI Eclipse, then was included in Mill Creek's 8 film box set "Drive-In Cult Classics;" which also included Cindy and Donna (1970), The Sister-In-Law (1974), The Teacher (1974), Best Friends (1975), Trip With the Teacher (1975) and Malibu High (1979); all from the Crown International catalogue.

★★1/2
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