Gatti rossi in un labirinto di vetro (1975)

... aka: Devil's Eye, The
... aka: Eye, The
... aka: Eyeball
... aka: Secret Killer, The
... aka: Ojo en la enscuridad, El
... aka: Wide-Eyed in the Dark

Directed by:
Umberto Lenzi

I've not had the best luck with Lenzi-directed giallo thus far. The Edgar Wallace adaptation SEVEN BLOOD-STAINED ORCHIDS (1972) was the textbook definition of ordinary and KNIFE OF ICE (1972) was pretty much one big snooze-fest. Because of the latter, I've even put my stockpile of Carroll Baker movies on the back burner for the time being. So can Eyeball redeem Mr. Lenzi's giallo work in my eyes? Short answer: No. If anything, this is even worse than the other two. Thankfully (?), the English-language dubbing is so painfully awful and the plotline is so painfully stupid that there are laughs aplenty. That alone makes this more entertaining than the two other aforementioned giallo I watched, but good this is not. How it has managed to even muster up its 5.9 rating on IMDb is a mystery much more intriguing than this film itself.

The set-up here is a very Ten Little Indians-esque one, but instead of a group of people isolated somewhere being knocked off one-by-one, we have a dozen or so tourists visiting sun-soaked Barcelona, Spain being knocked off one-by-one. All of that begs the question: If a killer was targeting your tour group, wouldn't you take the next flight the hell out of there? The writers (Lenzi and Felix Tusell) have solved that issue by having the police detain everyone because they're all suspects in the killings. The same writers have failed to give any of the characters a brain by constantly having them wander off by themselves, take midnight strolls and do other boneheaded things just to ensure they'll be alone and get killed. The tourists just merrily continue on with their sight-seeing and trips to a local discotheque regardless of how many other people drop dead around them.

So without any further ado, let's meet our group. We have lesbian fashion photographer Lisa Sanders (Mirta Miller) and her model / lover Naiba Campbell (Ines Pellegrini), unhappily married couple Robby (Daniele Vargas) and Gail (Silvia Solar) Alvarado, clergyman Reverend Bronson (George Rigaud), Mr. Hamilton (John Bartha) and his teenage granddaughter Jenny (Verónica Miriel) and Mr. and Mrs. Randall and their teenage daughter Peggy. Also along for the trip is secretary Paulette Stone (Martine Brochard), who's flying solo because she's actually fleeing from her married boss, whom she's been having an affair with. The boss - Mark Burton (John Richardson) - ends up following her there anyway and she promptly informs him "I refuse to be a plaything!" The entire group is being chaperoned by Martinez (Raf Baldassarre), a loud, obnoxious and ridiculous weirdo who likes to scare everyone with a toy spider and laughs maniacally while doing so.

After a local girl is stabbed repeatedly and has her eyeball gouged out with a razor-sharp dagger and the same fate befalls Peggy on a spook show ride, Inspector Tudela (Andres Mejuto), who's about a week away from retiring, is handed the case. He and his young assistant Inspector Lara (José Maria Blanco) get to work weeding through the suspect roster, but neither takes into consideration Mark's wife Alma (Marta May), who may have secretly flown to Spain instead of back to the U.S. just to check in on what her hubby and his secretary are up to. Alma has recently had a "general nervous collapse," but is she the one running around plucking out peepers?

The characters in this one are all pretty unsavory. The lez photographer doesn't want the fact a mad killer is running amuck to stop her from getting some ("Sure what's occurred is horrible, but what's it got to do with us?") Gail is a bitch who likes to belittle her husband, his war wounds and his impotency. And her hubby isn't any better. He's busted trying to molest a peasant girl right before she's killed and thrown into a pig pen. Mr. Hamilton seems to have incestuous designs on his granddaughter and likes to hover over his bed while she sleeps holding a straight razor. Pretty much everyone acts uncommonly weird and this goes to the most absurd lengths imaginable to cast a shadow of doubt over its many characters.

I'm not sure how this plays out in its original language, but the dialogue and English dubbing are both beyond awful. My favorite idiotic exchange happens between the detectives, who are discussing if one of the women could be the killer because a corpse was found in a mud pit and she was later seen washing her shoes. One of the inspectors says "We could check them, uh, scientifically. There could easily be traces of mud on them." The other replies "Simple walking can get a pair of shoes quite dirty. You take those shoes and bathe them in water and no doubt mud is going to form on them." And just wait until the big shocker of an ending. I won't give away the identity of the killer, but I will say that he or she has been popping out eyeballs right and left to put into their own empty socket and no one has noticed the difference!

Eyeball (also released as The Secret Killer and under several other titles) isn't particularly stylish and is actually far less gory than one might expect given the premise. Brochard, Pellegrini (a rare black female lead in one of these things) and Miller all have topless scenes, so I guess that's at least one plus.

★1/2

Teenage Zombies (1959)

... aka: Teenage Torture

Directed by:
Jerry Warren

"Young pawns thrust into pulsating cages of horror in a sadistic experiment!" If only this were half as exciting. Filmed in 1957 but not released until two years later to capitalize on the "teen" horror craze of the day, this early Jerry Warren effort (comprised entirely of his own footage for a change) is going to be an endurance test for most sober viewers. Four teeny boppers; Reggie (Don Sullivan) and his girl Julie (Mitzie Albertson), and Skip (Paul Pepper) and his girl Pam (Brianne Murphy), decide to head out on their boat for some water skiing and instead end up stumbling upon small, supposedly uninhabited "Mullet Island" (!), which is located about "30 to 40 miles" off shore. They go inland and immediately see a procession of slow-moving men walking down a path. Skip notes, "They look doped... or dead... or something." And he is partially correct. They are indeed drugged, but I'm not so sure about the dead part. The four try to run off but when they get back to their boat, it's gone. The guys separate from the girls and all four eventually find themselves at the island's only residence... and locked inside of a cage.

Reggie wonders "What kind of a creep joint is this?" and his captor; unscrupulous scientist Dr. Myra (Katherine Victor), will explain. She's in the middle of doing a top secret experiment there and, the more extra test subjects she has, the better. Myra is working on behalf of some unnamed foreign country and her chief objective is to come up with a formula that will turn Americans into mindless zombies. Once she's completed her task, her countrymen will either drop the capsules from the sky or sneak it into the water supply, and turn all United States citizens into their slaves. Myra's helper is Ivan (an unbilled Chuck Niles), a mute hunchback who's already been converted with her formula. She also has a gorilla to experiment on, but is ready to complete "Stage 3" by going ahead with her experiments on her new test subjects. A couple of guys from her country show up to make sure things go according to plan and tell Myra that if she doesn't hurry it along they'll be forced to just drop a hydrogen bomb instead. Meanwhile, Morrie (Jay Hawk) and Dottie (Nan Green), friends of the missing kids, start snooping around and go to the cops looking for help. They eventually convince the local sheriff to come along with them to the island, but he turns out to be in cahoots with the bad guys and has been sending them drunks and prisoners all this time for their experiments. Can the kids get the upper hand on those evil foreigners?

To some, Teenage Zombies is a fun and hilariously bad movie. To most, it's absolute torture to sit through. Either way, it's cheap, poorly filmed, endlessly talky, slow-moving, technically inept, bargain basement garbage. The acting and dialogue are both terrible, nearly the entire thing is comprised of medium shots which seem to go on forever and the movie is most certainly not going to deliver what anyone is going to want out of it. The gorilla prominently displayed on the poster is only featured in two brief scenes, is difficult to see and doesn't even really interact with the rest of the cast. And if you're expecting teenage zombies, don't hold your breath. Two of the teen characters are indeed transformed into mindless "zombies," but all they do is stand in place for a few minutes until the antidote is found. Said antidote is pretty much just anonymously plucked off the shelf when the time comes. What luck! The other "zombie" test subjects on the island are only seen in one shot and from afar.

The biggest laughs don't come until the very end during some of the most horribly choreographed and least exciting 'action' scenes you will ever seen. Warren movie regular Victor is especially impressive in her refusal to participate in any of this nonsense and just sits around looking bored and annoyed even when one of the teen tootsies tries to engage in a cat fight with her. The character also dresses rather glamorously (just throwing her lab coat on over her luxurious gowns) for someone living alone on an island working in a lab most of the time.

Warren took credit for producing and directing, but used the alias "Jacques Lecotier" for his screenplay for some strange reason. As if one is worse than another! Lead actor Sullivan went on to appear in THE GIANT GILA MONSTER and THE MONSTER OF PIEDRAS BLANCAS, which were both released the same year. The only other notable cast member is Brianne Murphy. Murphy was married to Warren at the time, was also the production coordinator and wardrobe supervisor of Zombies, went on to direct BLOOD SABBATH (1972) and became an Emmy-winning cinematographer. In 1980, she made history by becoming the very first female to shoot a major studio, union picture (FATSO) and was also the first female member of the American Society of Cinematographers (ASC). Several of the other actors later cropped up in Warren's TERROR OF THE BLOODHUNTERS (1962) and FACE OF THE SCREAMING WEREWOLF (1964).

A public domain title, this is an easy one to find and watch many places online for free if you're interested. Don't be.

★

V/H/S (2012)

Directed by:
Matt Bettinelli-Olpin
David Bruckner
Tyler Gillett
Justin Martinez
Glenn McQuaid
Radio Silence
Joe Swanberg
Chad Villella
Ti West
Adam Wingard

I finally got around to watching V/H/S and right now I'm sitting here amazed, absolutely amazed... at how something so bloody awful managed to not only get a ton of buzz behind it, but also semi-decent reviews from a number of critics. Of course, most online genre-specific websites - the established ones in particular - simply cannot be trusted for an unbiased viewpoint. That's just how it is. I know what goes down behind the scenes at these places first hand because I used to write for one of them. In doing so, I got so frustrated dealing with these people and their attempts at censorship to appease their "buddies" that one day I simply said "Screw it," quit and have written about movies sans pay ever since to ensure my voice wouldn't be censored, my opinion wouldn't be silenced and my words wouldn't be altered behind my back. Many of the people who run these sites don't have an ounce of integrity and have no problem leading people astray for their own personal gain. They'll kiss the asses of directors, producers, writers and actors, chum up with them and then go on to proclaim that whatever junk they throw out there is "Like the most bad azz scariest movie like everrrr!" For doing so, they get blurbs, recognition, freebies, small roles in films, chances to work in other capacities on films, special invites to premieres and parties and other such perks simply by showing their "loyalty." That's precisely what makes blogging such an invaluable process. Now everyone has their say, including those who have nothing to gain or lose, no one to piss off or please and no networking to do, from simply telling it like it is. So am I implying that the makers of V/H/S and the people who run these sites are in cahoots? Perhaps, but I'll get to all that here in a bit.

So I'll just lay it out there like I see it - V/H/S lacks everything that goes into a good horror film. Because it's a "found footage," shot-on-video effort, production values, camerawork, continuity, editing, lighting and other technical aspects are rendered nearly irrelevant. In other words, the movie is supposed to look cheap, bad and amateurish. Great, so they accomplished that much. What "found footage" movies don't necessarily have to be is horribly acted, horribly written, unscary, predictable and completely unoriginal. None of the five stories contained herein stands out as being even remotely good. There's nothing at all memorable or novel in here. At times, a few of the stories seem to have potential but they're botched by laughably bad acting, poor direction, clumsy, foul-mouthed, seemingly improvised dialogue and the sheer annoyance of the camera wobbling, shaking and blurring out images. As if the camerawork itself isn't irritating enough already, at some stage in the editing process even more fake picture rolls, fuzzy screens, tape damage and other effects have been added. And did I mention this thing runs nearly two hours? Yes, indeed it does. And over half that time consists of the camera focusing in on exciting things like walls, ceilings and the ground.

V/H/S has six different stories to tell, each from a first person camera perspective. The first story, directed by Adam Wingard and used as the framing device for the other five shorts, consists of a small group of guys who get paid to videotape various criminal activities. They're employed by some porn website to accost women and lift up their shirts and have high aspirations to move on to accosting women and lifting up their skirts instead. They're also paid to demolish homes and property. Their newest job is to go to some old man's home to retrieve a VHS tape. They're not informed what tape or what is on the tape or anything of the sort. Just retrieve the tape. When they arrive, they find the old guy dead in front of five or six TV sets and VHS tapes everywhere. Some of the guys decide to play some of them to see what's on them. And thus our stories begin.

The first tale (David Bruckner's "Amateur Night") is probably the best of the bunch, though that's not saying much. Two obnoxious frat jocks I couldn't wait to see die and their nerdy friend decide to spice up a night out by luring girls back from a bar to their hotel. There, they plan on videotaping themselves having sex using a camera hidden inside some eye glasses. They manage to get two girls to come back with them, but there's something seriously wrong with one of them; all she can do is mumble and hiss incoherently and whisper the words "I like you" over and over again. The guys don't seem to mind. That is, until she shows her true colors as some kind of demon / succubus / cannibal who quickly slaughters everyone. The build-up to this story is almost unbearably irritating, with awful dialogue and annoying, screaming, foul-mouthed characters. The horror scenes are reasonably well done, there's gore and nudity and Hannah Fierman somehow manages to make an impression as the monster, but it's all downhill from here, folks...

Ti West's "Second Honeymoon" is a horribly-acted, padded, drab, boring vacation video of a dull couple running into trouble while passing through some Western town. They stop at a hotel, where a mysterious woman knocks on the door, asks for a ride and then promptly disappears. Later that night, the same girl sneaks inside with a switchblade, steals money and dips a toothbrush into the toilet. There's a lame twist at the very end of this utterly useless segment. Next up is Glenn McQuaid's "Tuesday the 17th," a horribly acted backwoods slasher with one novel idea: the killer is some kind of invisible being who shows up as glitches on videotape. While the general idea is a pretty good one, the execution is dire. Both of these stories are filled with inane dialogue, awful amateur acting so bad it completely pulls you right out of the story and are buffered with utterly pointless footage that doesn't add substance, character or mood to the piece.

Tale # 4 is Joe Swanberg's "The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger." Emily (Helen Rogers) has been keeping in touch with her out-of-town boyfriend James (Daniel Kaufman) via Skype and confesses to him she believes her new apartment may be haunted. Several attempts at jump scares in this one are completely botched and the only "twist" is that it's not a ghost but some other kind of supernatural being (an alien). That hardly constitutes originality. Finally, "10/31/98" (which has no less than five credited directors) follows four men on Halloween night in 1998. Going to a party, the guys accidentally enter the wrong home and find the place abandoned. Eventually, they come across what appears to be a ritual sacrifice taking place in the attic and decide to rescue the victim. This segment has more CGI visual effects than the others (levitating dishes, hands popping out of walls, etc.) and the twist at the end is extremely predictable. All five times are completely unscary, poorly filmed and are severely underdeveloped, bordering on incoherent.

As much as I hate naming names and singling people out, I now feel the need to just let the cat out of the bag. The buzz for this film originated on Bloody Disgusting; one of the most popular, most quoted and most visited genre sites around. The site has been singing V/H/S's praises all along and when one traces back all of the hype to its infancy, they will be led right on over to BD. You may see the name Brad Miska in the credits several times. He not only produced this film but also came up with the concept for it. Miska also happens to be - surprise! - the head honcho over at Blood Disgusting. As much as I want to smack his hand with a ruler right now (I had no clue he was even involved until I saw the credits), I also have to give the guy some credit for business savvy. Miska seems to possess true marketing skills. He knows that hype and buzz are half the battle. Saying your own movie is something special and passing it off from an 'unbiased' viewpoint from a popular website that it's something special and some people are going to convince themselves it is something special. After all, to be able to convince anyone that two hours of people (I refuse to refer to them as "actors") running around shaking a camera screaming "fuck!" over and over again constitutes a good horror film, truly does take some skill.

It also takes some skill to get your low-budget film out there to the masses. These guys managed to get this to Sundance and even got reviews from critics like Roger Ebert. [Ebert has it in his "Your Movie Sucks" section but, hey, at least he saw it!] So it's clear the people behind this know how to effectively market, promote and sell a horror movie. Great! Now all they need to learn how to do is make a decent one.

★