Xie qi (1981)

... aka: 邪妻

... aka: Curse of the Wicked Wife
... aka: Wicked Wife

Directed by:
"King Ming" (Kuang Hui)

A young woman (whose hair is covering her face) is almost raped three different times during the opening three minutes (!), seems to turn into a tiger and then kills her would-be attackers in quick succession. Master Kin (Hsieh Wang), a supposed philanthropist and pillar of the community, then sends a kind and charitable young man named Jen-hu (Hsiu-Shen Liang) out to investigate. Since all of the victims were patrons of a bar and whorehouse called "The Red Pearl Saloon," Jen-hu becomes a regular customer there in order to get to the bottom of things. He eventually catches eye of the beautiful owner / madam of the establishment, Miss Red (Sheng-Lien Lu), and learns a rumor that she supposedly is driven to kill every time there's a full moon. While out walking through the forest one evening, Jen-hu is approached by Miss Red, who tells him "I was chased by some drumkers and I get lost." Yes, this one has those kind of subtitles throughout... Is Miss Red really some kind of tigress (literally!) who has been killing innocent men, or is something else sinister afoot? If you chose Option # 2, then congratulations, you win! You'll be receiving one warning to avoid this absolute cluster-fuck of a confusing movie.

Aside from Miss Red's shenanigans, this has a secondary possible antagonist in the form of an old, bearded, long-haired wizard named Shan-fei. He has a gang of bandits lurking about to do his bidding (most of them are useless drunks) and the special ability to kill by throwing handfuls of poisonous centipedes at victims that burrow under the skin. But there's a slight problem with this cat. Either the script-writer or the subtitle-writer forgot to give him any kind of tangible motivation for his actions. What exactly does this guy want... aside from just generally being a prick? Well, as it turns out, no one aside from our hero is really who they claim to be. And that includes Jen-hu's possible love interest Da-nieu, who is gracious enough to treat us to a cheese-licious ballad ("The butterfly is flying... The bees is working...") and lots of whiny pining before her true colors are finally revealed. There's also a red masked man with a whip (who seems to be Miss Red's protector), two cartoonish gay men (one of whom turns to the other and says he wants to take a bath with him) and lots of obnoxious drunks (one of whom karate chops a sleeping prostitute in the head while she sleeps so he can rape her) to provide incessant comic relief throughout.

So yeah, this thing makes absolutely no sense. It tries during the very end to let the tiger out of the bag, but it's too little, too late. I don't like spending over an hour scratching my head saying "WTF?" at the events unfolding on screen only to get no less than three major revelations tacked-on during the final three minutes. Not that it really matters, because my head would explode if I even attempted to try to deconstruct this film's plot. I could say that it's an hour into the film that our hero reveals his "fiancé" (who's he's never even met!) has gone missing, that Miss Red has a flashback where her employer (who may or may not be the evil wizard!) tried to rape her and then murdered her mother, that there's a Scooby Doo-style reveal moment with the wizard, that one of the female's chief objectives is to steal a centipede poison antidote, that the 'transforming into a tiger' angle is a complete cheat and that anyone who is killed and not immediately buried returns to life as a clumpy-faced ghost bent on getting revenge on whoever killed them... but what's really the point?

If things couldn't get any worse, this is also victim to an abysmal editing job that makes matters even more confusing. Stock footage is used during the majority of the tiger attack sequences. There's an out-of-nowhere 'mondo' scene of three tigers killing and eating a goat. Then there's the startling image of a tiger leaping at, mauling and knocking down a terrified little boy. The quality of this footage, as well as most of the other footage of the tiger, doesn't match the rest of the movie. I looked around online and came across the same images from a 1977 film from the same director called Tiger Love (which was also released as Kung Fu Zombie vs. Tiger Claws [!?] in Germany) so the scenes here were swiped from that one... and I now have yet another film to add to my never-ending index. One scene that probably is original is the one where the villagers take jabs at an obvious stuffed tiger head.

The film's only saving grace are a few lively fight sequences. The leading actress does some impressive stunts; doing flips, high jumps, kicks and splits while taking on her opponents. She's also game enough to put live centipedes into her mouth and puke them up into our hero's hand at one point. So I'd like to salute Sheng-Lien Lu (in what may be her only film appearance) for going beyond the call of duty to try to entertain us. Nice try there.

It was released on VCD by Ocean Shores a long time ago and I believe that was it.

★1/2

Child's Play (1980)

Directed by:
Amy Rose Bloch

Here we have a middling 28-minute short that was financed by The American Film Institute, made its TV debut on the PBS series The American Short Story and made its VHS debut as part of Monterey Home Video's Short Story Collection (where it's paired with the 12-minute short THE OPEN WINDOW). It's based on the story 'Sredni Vashtar' by Saki (the pen name for Hector Hugh Munro). To many scholars, Saki / Munro is considered a master of the short story. Born to British parents in Burma, he relocated to England for studies, worked as a journalist there, served a spell for the Imperial Police in India and joined the British Army at the age of 43 to fight in World War I, where he was killed in 1916 by a German sniper. Aside from his stories, he also has two plays, one short novel and other works to his name. Munro is probably best known for the aforementioned story 'The Open Window' (a staple of high school literature classes), but this macabre tale of abuse and revenge has actually inspired more adaptations. It was also filmed in 1950 (as part of the Danger TV series), 1962 (as part of a UK mini-series called Saki), 1981, 1995, 2003 and even as recently as 2009. The tale also inspired the feature-length genre flick THE ORPHAN (1977), which was later annoyingly re-titled FRIDAY THE 13TH: THE ORPHAN to try to cash in on the Jason Voorhees saga.

Lonely orphan Conrad (Paul Schoeman) not only had to suffer the loss of both parents in a drowning accident, but is also stuck in a home at the mercy of the icy, evil and cruel Miss DeRopp (Savannah Bentley). Mostly forced to stay indoors, denied friends and kept sickly and frail by his new guardian (who it's strongly hinted at also sexually abuses the poor boy), Conrad's only companion is his beloved pet chicken Cackler. A neighborhood boy (Bill Barrett) might have the solution to his problems, though. For two silver candlesticks, he promises to give Conrad a rare, vicious, growling and cunning animal with supernatural abilities, which supposedly was coveted in the past by Egyptian pharaohs, Borneo pirates and even Napoleon Bonaparte himself. Eventually the trade is made, Conrad gets the creature (it's basically just a barely-seen, small black dog) and - after Miss DeRopp kills Cackler and serves him up as dinner - uses it to get revenge.

Seeing as how this story was written at the turn of the Century, I can see it being a pretty influential work as I've seen the same concept used numerous times before. However, that doesn't make this particular adaptation anything special. It's flatly presented, ordinarily directed and very predictable, but my primary gripe is with the weak, one-note performances. But hey, I can at least use this opportunity to pimp another American Short Story / Short Story Collection Monterey release; THE MAN AND THE SNAKE (1972) / THE RETURN (1973); a pair of well-done Ambrose Bierce adaptations worth seeking out.

★★

Man and the Snake, The (1972)

Directed by:
Sture Rydman

Ambrose Bierce (one of 13 children from an impoverished Meigs County, Ohio family) was a fascinating figure who not only was a prolific short story writer, but also a newspaper editor, critic, satirist, poet, journalist and soldier who served in the army during the Civil War. He dabbled in both business and politics, was nicknamed 'Bitter Bierce' because of his caustic, sardonic wit, traveled and worked abroad and famously disappeared never to be seen again sometime during the Mexican revolution (the 71-year-old was last seen in the presence of rebel troops). Bierce is perhaps most famous for his 1891 short story 'An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge,' which has gone on to influence countless writers and filmmakers over the years and itself was filmed as a Cannes Award-winning short in 1962. Bierce also wrote several other ghost / horror stories, which leads us to this 25-minute short. I'm not entirely sure where this was first seen, but it apparently played theatrically as a support feature for years before ending up as part of the PBS series The American Short Story Collection. Many episodes of that series were issued on VHS by Monterey Home Video as part of their "Short Story Collection" series. This one was paired with the outstanding ghost story THE RETURN (1973), another Bierce adaptation, for the release. Both tales together run about an hour and are made by the team of director / writer Rydman, producer Elizabeth McKay and co-writer Brian Scobie.

John Fraser (Catherine Deneuve's would-be suitor in REPULSION, amongst other things) and the always-wonderful André Morell (Professor Quatermass, amongst other things) star in this well-acted tale. Tutor Harker Brayton (Fraser) is visiting the home of his student Malcolm and meets the boy's father; scientist and serpent-lover Dr. Theo Druring (Morell). Dr. Druring has an entire room full of snakes; some venomous, some not. His wife Amelia (Madge Ryan), their maid Molly (Brenda Cowling) and their dinner guests; Colonel Gordon (Clive Morton) and his wife (Damaris Hayman), don't really understand the doctor's affinity for the slithering creatures and could care less about their "physical grace," but young Malcolm has followed in dad's footsteps in his love for them. In fact, he often sneaks into his father's "snakery" late at night just to admire them. Mr. Brayton ends up staying later into the evening than he'd anticipated and is talked into spending the night. He's shown his room, gets ready to relax with a book, and then spots a pair of beady, sparkling eyes gazing at him from underneath his bed...

What makes this short work is how it cleverly introduces various snake mythologies into the works to give one a wide array of possibilities once Brayton finds himself alone after midnight with a potentially lethal snake just feet away. During dinner, the Colonel (who's just arrived back from a stay in India) relates a story about how he felt hypnotized by a King Cobra and that he believes snakes are evil and can 'charm' people just as people can 'charm' them. Have Druring's snakes somehow managed to control him and now run amuck in his home? Amelia and Molly admit that the snakes sometime manage to find their way out of their cages and can sometimes be found around the home. Has another one escaped and found a nice hiding spot underneath Brayton's bed? Druring introduces the idea that children don't seem afraid of snakes and vice versa, and that children can handle venomous ones without fear of being bitten. Has mischievous Malcolm put one in Brayton's room? Or is it something entirely different?

While certainly not a visually impressive piece, it's an interesting one that stays faithful to its source material while also expanding a bit upon it. Good performances by all and the ending is fairly intense and well-done.

★★★

Breeders (1986)

... aka: Killer Alien

Directed by:
Tim Kincaid

New York City virgins (yes, New York City virgins) are being beaten and sexually assulted. The victims are rushed off to "Manhattan General Hospital" where Dr. Gamble Pace (Teresa Farley) notices they're behaving strangely and healing rather quickly. Then the ladies - in a trance-like state - start wandering off. Gamble, along with investigating detective Dale Andriotti (Lance Lewman) decide to get to the bottom of things. The two discover that an alien life form capable of inhabiting human hosts is out to knock up Earth women. Why? Uhh, I'm pretty sure they mentioned it at some point, and pretty sure it involved producing alien spawn to prep for a planet takeover, but the only thing I'm absolutely sure about is that I watched this thing just two days ago and hell if I can remember. Things do culminate in a memorably tasteless sequence where all of the ravaged females take an otherworldly spunk-bath in an alien nest (located in an abandoned subway tunnel) before getting group electrocuted.

BREEDERS is far from a good movie. Actually, it's pretty awful. There's almost no plot to speak of, the dialogue is often howling bad and most of the acting is wooden (some of the actors even trip over their lines). There are, however, plenty of highly variable make-up effects courtesy of Emmy-winning and Oscar-nominated effects artist Ed French, including a very gory scene where a man's chest puffs, bubbles and bleeds, several different alien looks (a one-eyed mutant alien offspring and a bug-like alien with large silver eyes) and other fun / cheap fx stuff. There's also good-looking cast and loads of T&A provided by five different actresses. It also doesn't drag on as it clocks in at just 77 minutes. Many fans of 80's trash are likely to get some enjoyment out of this mess.

Director Kincaid had, as "Joe Gage," already made a name for himself in the late 70s / early 80s adult industry with his acclaimed "Working Man" trilogy; films which were novel for both dealing seriously with same-sex relationships and for the casting of masculine men. Apparently, after Charles Band [the uncredited executive producer] saw Kincaid's previous film, the women-in-prison exploiter BAD GIRLS DORMITORY (1984), he decided to finance further projects from the director, which lead to this, ROBOT HOLOCAUST (1986) and MUTANT HUNT (1987). All were released on the Empire label and were Wizard VHS release. After these and a few more releases, Kincaid returned to gay porn and continues in that arena to this day.

The film has many familiar faces if you've seen your fair share of 80s exploitation. Several of the virgins I'd seen in other films; usually ones shot in or near the NYC area. Frances Raines, who plays coke-snorting model Karinsa and treats viewers to a completely gratuitous nude aerobics prior to getting attacked (drug use and exhibitionism... hallmarks of an unsullied maiden!), had previously been in the slasher flicks THE MUTILATOR (1982) and DISCONNECTED (1983). Amy Brentano, who plays fashion photographer Gail, was the female lead in the haunted whorehouse flick BLOOD SISTERS (1986). LeeAnne Baker, a cute, short-haired blonde who portrays nurse Kathleen and is probably the most promising actual actress in this crop of babes, had a funny one-scene bit in PSYCHOS IN LOVE (1986) and got to headline her own genre film (playing a 300-year-old, six-breasted witch in 1987's NECROPOLIS) before throwing in the towel on film acting in the late 80s. Matt Mitler, who appeared with Raines in the aforementioned Mutilator and also had roles in DEAD TIME STORIES (1985), BASKET CASE 2 (1990) and others, is in just one scene.

As far as lead actress Farley is concerned, it's nice seeing a black actress in a lead role in an 80s horror film and she's absolutely gorgeous to look at despite sporting some helmet-like 80s hair, but her habit of blankly staring off-screen (presumably to cue cards containing dialogue such as "It's a case like this that make me want to kill every man ever born!") gets on one's nerves. Make-up man French also has a decent-sized supporting role here as a doctor, though it's made pretty clear that his true talents lie elsewhere.

The film has been released multiple times on video and on DVD (MGM distributing the latter), so it's not difficult at all to find... just don't confuse it with the other BREEDERS (1995), a British film boasting a nearly identical premise.

★1/2

Serpiente de mar (1984)

... aka: Hydra

... aka: Hydra - Monster of the Deep

... aka: Monster of the Deep

... aka: Sea Serpent, The

Directed by:

Amando de Ossorio 

I would say that this seems to have time warped in from the 1950s, but I don't want to insult the far superior giant monster films from the 1950s in the process. An American military plane is having issues with their bomb mechanism. To try to prevent those pesky Russkies from getting their mitts on the top secret weapon, they're instructed to simply drop the bomb into the ocean and go on their merry way. After doing so, the atomic blast awakens a vicious sea beast that appears to be taking a nap on the ocean floor before it's revived. Soon after, local fisherman in a nearby Spanish fishing village have been reporting that most of the fish in the area seem to either be dead or have a strange, radioactive glow. One of the boat owners gets desperate enough to hire Captain Pedro Fontán (Timothy Bottoms) - a recovering alcoholic with a not-so-great reputation - to take a crew out to sea to try their luck. On their trip, they're attacked by the monster. It sinks the boat and several men get gobbled up. Pedro, along with his first mate Lemaris (Jared Martin) and a few others make it back to safety in a lifeboat. 

Unfortunately for Pedro, Lemaris harbors a long-standing grudge against him because he blames him for his brother's death during a shipwreck. Lemaris denies the presence of the sea monster and gets the others to follow suit. During a trial, Pedro loses his captain's license and is set to go to court facing criminal negligence charges. Things aren't much better for Margaret Roberts (Taryn Power), who witnesses her drunken friend Jill (Carole James) get eaten alive by the beast. No one believes her either and she's locked up in a Portuguese nuthouse. Some time passes and Pedro (now on the run from the authorities) somehow learns of Margaret's ordeal and goes to Lisbon to help her escape from the asylum. The two hide out in the area while plotting to prove the existence of the beast. They meet up with cranky but helpful marine biologist Timothy Wallace (Ray Milland), who believes their story and wants to help. Learning of another survivor of a similar attack, the trio rush to a hospital, but they're too late. The man has already been smothered to death by a pillow by his irate boss (Jack Taylor)! 

Lemaris also shows up in the area hoping to hunt down Pedro and get revenge. Instead, he bears witness to a night watchman (Víctor Israel) getting set on fire and then eaten by the monster, which prompts a change of heart. Strangely, Lemaris acts like he didn't see the monster earlier in the movie as it attacked and killer several of his buddies, but oh well. Things lead up to an exciting (not!) finale where our heroes toss Molotov cocktails at the monster from the sidelines and then... simply let it swim off to safety, without even informing the authorities OR proving its existence to anyone else. Uhhh... 

Director Amando de Ossorio (credited as "Gregory Greens" in the anglicized credits) has a decent reputation in horror circles because of his sometimes-admired (but in my opinion, overrated) Blind Dead series. He had also made Fangs of the Living Dead (1968) with Anita Ekberg, THE LORELEY'S GRASP (1973; which also involved a sea beast, but this time a sexy one played by Helga Line), NIGHT OF THE SORCERERS (1973), Demon Witch Child (1974) and others. This is by far the crappiest thing I've seen from him. Don't get me wrong, some of the other films listed above are also duds, but they're not outright incompetent. This one actually IS and it skims by almost entirely on unintended chuckles. 

One of the most obvious issues is that the film is horribly paced. It just torpedoes ahead, totally skipping over what one would assume should be key plot elements. None of the dialogue is interesting or humorous, the cliché-ridden plotline is utterly void of anything new or fresh, the acting by most is horrid or horridly wooden (though this is likely because of the atrocious - and goofy! - English-language dubbing), the musical score is an annoying, by-the-numbers cloning of John Williams' famous Jaws theme and, by the time the film is over, one gets the impression they ran out of time or money or both to come up with a satisfactory conclusion. There's nothing worse than a film leading up to something, only to have that something be nothing! 

The special effects are the sole saving grace of the film. Don't get me wrong, they too are awful, but they're also kind of cute and oddly entertaining to watch, anyway. The sea monster, designed to look like a giant snake, is laughably visualized with giant ping pong ball eyes and what appears to be wings. It has also been aptly described as looking like a giant sock puppet by many viewers. The fx team created both miniature models (used when the monster destroys large structures or transports) and a scale model (used for close-ups of the the cast thrashing inside to simulate being eaten). Over the course of the movie, the monster destroys several boats, a lighthouse, a helicopter (it headbutts it, making it flip over and explode) and a bridge. It even almost blows itself up at the very end when a train's last car (marked "ARAL"... and why no caboose?) comes loose, falls into the water and blows up. And yet our "overgrown worm" lives to see another day, anyway. 

Showing up briefly in the film are Gérard Tichy (from Bava's Hatchet for the Honeymoon and many others), Charly Bravo, José Canalejas, Pilar Alcón and Bernabe Barta Barri. Director León Klimovsky (who had made some very enjoyable Euro-horrors back in the 1970s and really has a much better track record than de Ossorio, though he's not as well-known) also appears briefly as a doctor. It has been released several times on VHS in the U.S. (the first issuing was from Lightning Video), but there's no DVD release as of yet. The original release title of this Spanish / U.S. co-production was Serpiente del mar, which basically means "The Sea Serpent," which was also the U.S. release title. It was also released as Hydra in other markets. By any name, it's pretty bad but enjoyable for a generous smattering of unintended laughs.

SBIG

Hua pi (1966)

... aka: 畫皮

... aka: Painted Skin, The

Directed by:
Fong Pao

In this slow and somewhat typical, though worthwhile Hong Kong ghost tale, you'll find solid storytelling, good acting, several good horror sequences and a strong moral to the story. Actually several morals to this particular story. During a pleasant framing sequence that bookends the actual tale, modest writer and "collector of weird tales" Mr. Pu (Sek Lui) has just finished his latest manuscript "The Tales from Liao Chai;" which is a huge success with those in the village. His doctor friend shows up at his home with the good news that he's become famous and the two men, along with a servant boy, sit down for some wine. The doctor then tells him a ghost story he's just heard; one that he hopes his friend will consider writing, which is then visualized for us.

The story deals with Chun-wen Wong (Kao Yuen), a wealthy man who lives in a nice home with his mother (Tung Ngai), brother (Maan Saan), wife (Chen Juan-Juan), young son and some servants. The family is well-off but Chun-wen, a scholar and budding writer, has still been failing his exams and can gain no legitimate title despite having all the enthusiasm in the world. His problem? He depends far too much (and spends way too much) on fortune-telling and horoscope readings than he does actually studying. In other words, he wants wealth and success without actually having to work hard for it. His brother, a successful military man with political aspirations, is about to go away on duty, but warns his brother before he leaves that he can only rely on himself, not faith or Gods or spirits. A traveling fortune teller informs Chun-wen to go to the northwest of the village to the crumbling Kuei Hsing Ko Temple of Literature. There, he prays to a goblin-looking idol and promises that he'll rebuild the crumbling temple if he's granted the good fortune of passing his exams.

Immediately afterward, Chun-wen encounters Mei-hiang Chang (Zhu Hong), a beautiful, weeping woman dressed in white hiding out in the rubble. She runs off, but later shows up at Chun-wen's home. She claims she's from an area over a thousand miles away and ran away on her wedding night after her evil stepmother set her up in an arranged marriage with an ugly merchant. She also claims she's trying to locate her father, who's the Provincial Education Officer in charge of the rural examinations... the same one Chun-wen is having an impossible time passing. Chun-wen, who locks himself in a gated garden house away from his family for his one-month period of study, allows Mei-hiang to stay there for a month in agreeance that she'll pull strings to help him pass. It isn't long before Mei-hiang successfully seduces Chun-wen. He begins to ignore his family, becomes pale, weak and sickly, and rapidly loses weight. That's because the mysterious lady is actually some kind of ghostly, seductive succubus bent on getting her hands on her new lover's heart.

Mei-hiang claims to be oblivious to the fact that Chun-wen is married and has his own family. When she "finds out" he is, she threatens suicide, claims he "ruined" her (i.e. took her virginity), then tries to force him to chose between his wife and her. A weakened Chun-wun is almost coerced at one point into poisoning his wife's tea with arsenic, but Chun-wen slaps the cup out of her hand at the last minute. After her plans there fail, Mei-hiang uses her supernatural powers to lure a male servant into the wife's bed; arranging for Chun-wen to see them sleeping together. Though the wife and servant both proclaim their innocence, Chun-wen throws her out and plans to marry Mie-hiang. The wife attempts to hang herself out in the woods, but her brother-in-law stumbles onto the scene just in time to save her. He goes home and does a hilariously out-of-nowhere effortless leap over a ten-foot wall and then attempts to stop Mie-hiang before she is able to destroy the entire family.

Like many other vintage Asian ghost tales, the one's about 75 percent melodrama and 25 percent horror, and it isn't really going to appeal to certain viewers out there. However, if you don't mind a slow build, this does repay us for our patience by coming up with some great off-the-wall moments at the finale. There's a great sequence where the witchy Mei-hiang lures the sleepwalking servant into the wife's bed, as doors and curtains open and close by themselves along the way. When Chun-wen and his brother see Mie-hiang's true self they see a hideous, wrinkly, blue-faced, fanged old woman, who uses a painting to create her beauty. After she is sliced in the face, she simply covers up the wound on the painting and returns to "normal." During another standout sequence, Mie-hiang (in ugly form) sprays a stream of blood out of her mouth to knock a sword off of the wall, then rips out a human heart with her claws. Good use is also made of shadow throughout the film.

While I did see a haggard print of this rare film (which at least had English subs), it doesn't seem like it would be quite as visually opulent as some others in its category even in restored form, though I could be wrong. The story is also quite set bound, with the majority taking place in just one home. What is recommendable and commendable here is the nicely-turned script and fine acting. The actress playing Mie-hiang seems to be having a great time playing her deliciously evil role. The framing sequences are also nicely done, with writer Mr. Pu finding the relevance and philosophy in the ghost tale: "We have never seen a ghost, but there are people around us who behave like 'ghosts.' They fool people with their good looks. Careless ones will be devoured by them. Keep alert to keep away from them."

I'm not aware of an official VHS or R1 DVD release for this one.

★★★

Hackers, The (1988)

Directed by:
John Duncan

This no-budget, homemade, shot-on-video effort from the backwoods of Michigan (the Croswell and Lexington areas to be exact) is one of the rarest of the 80s VHS releases I've seen thus far. When trying to determine just how rare one of these things actually are, I typically look at three factors. The first is the amount of reviews and votes over on IMDb. If a film has fewer than 50 votes and just one or two reviews, it's typically pretty hard to come by. This one currently has no reviews and fewer than five votes. Well actually, the database doesn't bother registering fewer than 5, so it's hard to tell if thing has received even a single vote. Secondly, I look at the distributor. This film was apparently self-distributed by its own production company; Camelot Studios, who claim to have moved just 3,000 copies of the film during the VHS era. Finally, I do a google image search looking for posters or VHS / DVD covers. This film brought up just a few tiny images of the original VHS box cover, all of which are far too small to use here.

All of above begs the question: Is this film even worth looking for? The only answer I have for that is: It depends entirely on what you're looking for. If you're looking for an undeservedly obscure gem, then look elsewhere. However, if you happen to be a fan of 80s camcorder regional productions and love these things warts and all (or perhaps partially because of the warts), then you'll find a decent amount of home grown goodness to enjoy here. The film is clearly inspired by the first two Texas Chainsaw Massacre films and falls into the ever-popular "hillbilly horror" subgenre, which was popular in the 80s and has resurfaced again in recent years thanks to the popularity of the TCM remake, WRONG TURN and others. So basically, this is an attempt at black comic horror with a killer redneck / white trash family as our lovably scuzzy bad guys.

Elderly, bib-overall-wearin' drifter Eldon (or just "Pa" if you're kin) Hacker (Howard Coburn) heads up this particular clan of whack-jobs, which includes two mentally retarded grown sons. The first is Arnie (Dale Caughel). He's short, wears glasses and a bandana and has shaggy hair. He never grew up quite right cause (as Pa states) "...he didn't eat potatos when he was small." Eldon Junior (Steve Prichard) is the other son. He has a beard and rotten teeth, shakes when he's nervous and wears a silver mask over half his face because he accidentally mangled himself with a chainsaw. He's also mute because as a child he bit off his own tongue. Naturally, all three of these cats are pretty direct copies of the Cook, the Hitchhiker and Leatherface from TCM, but the actors are authentic and well cast in their respective roles. Hell, they're far more believable backwoods psychos types than what you'll find in any of Rob Zombie's films.

The Hackers stars Howard Coburn as Eldon "Pa" Hacker.

Dale Caughel as Arnie Hacker...

Steve Prichard as Eldon Hacker, Junior...

And introducing Michelle Rank as our helmet-haired object o' hick lust Marcie.

The unkempt trio basically drive around in a camouflage truck, taking up odd jobs for the locals here and there, and kill fairly indiscriminately. During the opening sequence, they even slice off a hitchhiker's thumb as they drive by him! Immediately after, they pick up an obnoxious girl (Laura Forbis) wearing headphones and cut her throat. When a couple refuses to pay them for a lousy roofing job they did, they hack them up with a machete. Eldon Junior eats worms during a fishing trip (before they decapitate a fisherman) and they impale a gardener (Bruce Phillips) on a light post and then jams a corn cob in his mouth. By the way, much - but not all - of the gory stuff takes place off-screen. In between killing, Pa takes his boys to a playground where they swing, play on monkey bars, go down the slide and then harass a woman trying to go across a rope bridge.


Our heroine is a writer named Marcie (Michelle Rank), who gets a housesitting gig at her bosses country home for a few weeks. Her sister Angelia (Denise Ferris) doesn't think it's a good idea to go to "redneck country" all by herself and gives her a gun to take along just in case. Apparently her boss had already hired Eldon and sons to fix the roof while they're away and poor Marcie gets stuck dealing with them. She gets annoyed with them for coming inside without knocking and gets even angrier after she catches the sons peeping on her after she gets out of the shower. Pa calls her a "sassy bitch" and blames her for distracted his sons, even going so far as saying she "put a hex" on them. During one scene, the sons are so busy staring that one slices off the other's fingers with a circular saw! The finale (which features use of guns, a machete and a hook), is fairly lively, though it's capped off with one of those annoying 'here we go again' style twists. There are a couple of 'police investigation' scenes of Lt. Badger (James Larsen) and Det. Hall (Dave Hall) trying to apprehend "The Lakeshore Murderer," but thankfully those bits are brief.


Compared to other SOV efforts from this time, this has decent acting from the leads (some of the "victims" on the other hand... whew!), a minimum of flubbed lines, a high enough body count and enough cheap bloody moments to please fans of this stuff. Despite being shot with a camcorder (and featuring some horribly bright exterior long shots), some attention is paid to the camerawork and there are tracking shots, panning shots and point-of-view shots. There's even a silly theme song ("Just slash 'em, bash 'em, trash 'em! Throw another corpse in the pile!"). A few of the scenes are half-baked and seem unfinished. During one of them, one of the sons approaches a woman sunbathing, reaches out and touches her hair and then disappears (?!) Oh well, it's just 71 minutes long, has some regional charm and passes the time easy enough so I'll cut it some slack.


Though the original VHS editions of the film are nearly impossible to find these days, Camelot Studios offer the film on DVD, along with another of their films called BLACK RIVER MONSTER (1986), which I don't think was ever really released. They also sell a limited edition Hackers poster. You can go RIGHT HERE for more information.

★★