Body Beneath, The (1970)

... aka: Vampire's Thirst, The

Directed by:
Andy Milligan

Graham Ford (Colin Gordon), a new arrival in London from Canada, is awoken from his nap by Reverend Alexander Algernon Ford (Gavin Reed) and his wife Alicia (Susan Heard), distant relatives who'd like to invite him and his wife Anna (Susan Clark) to dinner. Alexander has just arrived there himself from Ireland, moved into Carfax Abbey and opened a new church in the area called Old Souls Church. He's talkative, friendly, nosy and more than a little strange, and not only because priests typically don't go around quoting Oscar Wilde, but also because he seems to know much about Graham and his wife without ever having ever them. Alicia is an oddball herself. She refuses to talk to anyone and whispers everything directly into her husband's ear for him to relay to others. Regardless, Graham accepts their invitation. Anna, on the other hand, has just had an odd encounter with three blue-faced blonde women at a local cemetery. Meanwhile, Susan Ford (Jackie Skarvellis) has just told her lover of two years, artist Paul (Richmond Ross), that she's pregnant. The two decide to get married soon, so it's a good time for the Reverend to get in contact with her via letter. They could use someone to officiate their wedding.

The Reverend and his wife turn out to be centuries-old vampires, who lead a pack of similar bloodsuckers. Sunlight doesn't kill them but does weaken them and Alicia has to administer blood transfusions to her hubby in the upstairs bedroom and apply leeches to him when his blood pressure gets too high. They're assisted by a hyperactive, reluctant hunchback named Spool (Berwick Kaler), who was abandoned by his family as a child after his stepbrother pushed him in front of a bus. When Susan shows up to visit, they drug her drink and then lock her in an upstairs bedroom. The Reverend explains to her that she's their only hope in carrying on the family bloodline. Apparently, lots of inbreeding in the family has weakened them and now they need new blood, so to speak. Susan will be kept there and be forced to keep popping out one baby after another to procreate a stronger breed of Ford. Meanwhile, at Graham and Anna's home, Anna is behaving strangely. The three blue-faced ladies had bitten her on the neck in the graveyard, turning her into a vampire. She drugs her husband's tea and then lets the Reverend and the vampire ladies in to kill Graham.

Another relative - Candace Ford (Emma Jones) - is kidnapped and brought to Carfax Abbey, where they plot to use her as their personal blood supply. Spool is forbidden to speak to their prisoners and, when he's caught talking to Candace, he's taken outside and nailed against a tree! Susan's boyfriend eventually shows up looking for her and notices the Reverend doesn't cast a reflection before he's booted out. A maid tries to help him find his missing fiancé, but Alicia jams sewing needles into her eyeballs and Paul is locked up in a room with Susan, where they await their death. Eventually, a vampire gathering shot through a Vaseline-smeared lens is held, where a female vampire proclaims Americans "the scum of the Earth" and says they're all "pimps, prostitutes and religious fanatics" when the Reverend entertains the idea of them relocating to the States.

This has much in common with the director's other films from the same time period and yet seems somewhat different. The Gothic horror trappings and British setting are similar, as is the dialogue-heavy script and theatrical acting and costumes. However, this one has a modern day setting, better production values and actually (gasp!) cuts it somewhat as an actual movie. The acting, editing, costumes and photography are all better than usual for the director. However, in Milligan world, competence and restraint are both a good and a bad thing. It's good in that this will be easier to swallow to the masses and proves the widely-panned director could indeed craft a mainstream, competent film.. It's a bad thing in that it's not as wild, quirky, bizarre, funny or memorable as some of his other, rougher-around-the-edges efforts like TORTURE DUNGEON (1970) or BLOOD (1974). Perhaps the fact this was made for a different production company (Cinemedia Films) instead of William Mishkin is what made the difference. Milligan also edited (as "Gerald Jackson") and did both the costumes (as Raffine) and sound (as "Joi Gogan") for this one.

Something Weird have released a nice DVD for this one, which includes lots of Milligan trailers as well as the director's very interesting, black-and-white gay bathhouse drama Vapors (1965), which runs 32 minutes and is actually quite good itself (not to mention very daring for its time).

★★

Guru, the Mad Monk (1970)

... aka: Andy Milligan's Guru the Mad Monk
... aka: Garu, the Mad Monk

Directed by:
Andy Milligan

My secret love affair with Andy Milligan (psst, don't tell anyone; I'm so ashamed!) continues with this hilariously overstuffed and ridiculous little zero budget wonder. Indicative of the director's usual style, there's enough plot for numerous movies crammed into just 56 minutes, some of the chintziest production values this side of an elementary school play, costumes and set dressings fashioned from fabrics typically reserved for the linen closet, a complete and utter disregard for the technical aspects of cinema and a cast of (mostly) amateurs trying and failing miserably to convince us that this takes place in Merry Ole England. As the film opens, we meet our poor heroine Nadja (Judith Israel) as she's being dragged through the streets and is then tossed into a cell. Months earlier, on her way to meet up with her boyfriend, Nadja had been kidnapped by a bunch of gypsies, who made her beg, steal and commit other crimes for them. She ended up pregnant by the main gypsy and, after giving birth to their stillborn infant, was abandoned. Guards found her attempting to bury the baby, accused her of killing it and now she's in prison awaiting her execution. Fortunately, her doofy boyfriend Carl (Paul Lieber), conveniently working as a guard where Nadja's being held, is around and promises to anything to free her. Unfortunately, he goes to the wrong place for help...

Carl immediately goes to the Church of Mortavia to consult monk Father Guru (the amusingly flamboyant Neil Flanagan), who also works overseeing the torture and execution of various criminals and peasants. After slapping him across the face for denouncing God, Guru tells Carl of a way they can rescue Nadja from her grim fate: by using a special potion that can make her appear dead until an antidote is administered to revive her. However, Guru's help doesn't come without a price. Strapped for money, the monk wants Carl to procure corpses for him so he can sell them to a medical school for fast cash as part of their agreement. Now not only indebted to the mad monk, Carl also finds himself having to help out witch Olga (Jaqueline Webb) in exchange for the death powder. She's Guru's former mistress and wants "blood, lots of blood..." for her vague "experiments." The plot goes off as planned; Nadja "dies" of a heart attack and is revived with the antidote. Guru has his mumbling, retarded, one-eyed hunchback assistant Igor (Jack Spencer) put her in the tower of the church until Carl can fulfill his obligations, which will entail three long months of body snatching.

Guru calls Igor "an ugly mass of flesh" and, when the hunchback begins to develop a crush on Nadja, he whips out his Miss Priss card; "God never intended for you to be loved by anyone! You were made to serve me and only me!" After dinner ("I hope you like horse. It's all we have."), Nadja tells Igor she'd like to be his friend. He gets flustered, screams and runs downstairs and starts furiously sweeping the floor with a broom. Not only a greedy hypocrite, Guru is also a serial murderer who slaughters innocent people who come into his church for no reason whatsoever. He suffers from schizophrenia, has two distinct personalities (virtuous and evil) and, during one hilarious and jaw-dropping scene, has an argument with himself in front of a mirror while clutching a bouquet of flowers. Now I'm starting to get a little impatient waiting to see Milligan's Fleshpot on 42nd Street (1973) to see Flanagan portray the role he was destined to play: a sassy drag queen.

To add more crazy hijinks, Guru's gal pal Olga the witch turns out to actually be a vampire named "Noferatu" and crawls around on the floor licking up blood after each murder. In a torture chamber, mannequin hands and heads are chopped off and ping pong ball eyes are gouged out. Other victims include a sailor, a pregnant teenage runaway, an archbishop (Frank Echols) sent to check in on things and Father Polanski (Gerald Jacuzzo), a possible successor of Guru. There's a crucifixion, a tongue cut out with scissors, a hanging, a truly chaotic and rushed ending and clothing, props and numerous other things that completely betray the period setting. The editing and pacing are both terrible and continuity is almost nonexistent. In other words, your usual Milligan extravaganza. It was filmed at Saint Peter's Church in Manhattan on a budget of just 11,000 dollars.

Originally issued on VHS by Sinister Cinema, this is now apparently in the public domain and has been issued by numerous el cheapo outfits. The Retromedia DVD comes with a trailer and a 12-minute interview with later Milligan collaborator Tony Vozza.

SBIG

Torture Dungeon (1970)

... aka: Dungeon of Death

Directed by:
Andy Milligan

Life is full of regrets. Such as when I was a 9-year-old and got busted by a store manager sticking a G.I. Joe down the front of my pants, or when I was 16 and put a quart of oil in my power steering reserve. Now I can add "sitting on a stockpile of Andy Milligan movies for years and just now getting around to watching some of them" to my ever-growing list of boo boos. As soon as I heard the majestic classical music playing and saw a hideous yellow title card reading "Torture Dungeon" clumsily wedged in between the over-a-shawl-of-blue-silk credits, I pretty much knew I was gonna like this one. Only in Milligan's wacky universe could a film open with the camera nearly falling out of the director's hands (!) and then continue on with a scene of three flamboyant fellas walking through a field picking flowers before one of them is decapitated by a hooded executioner! On the outset, this might seem like a cut-rate TOWER OF LONDON wannabe, but if you have a taste for the weird and perverse, production values and competence be damned, then you'll find an extraordinary amount of off-the-wall goodies to be found here.

Mr. Milligan, a man who never understood the meaning of 'working within your means,' whisks us away to the magical, mythical Kingdom of Terragon, a land where period detail is lacking but kinky hijinks and fucked-up folks with major hang-ups are in abundance. The man who lost his head in the opening sequence just so happened to be of royal lineage. In fact, he was next in line to be crowned King. However, one of his dysfunctional family members wants complete control of the fledgling kingdom and will stop at nothing - including butchering anyone who gets in his way - to get it. While the plot might not sound like much, it's the warped screenplay, decadent characters and hilariously cheapjack production values that make this one so extra special. You will never, ever meet a group of characters like the ones featured in this flick. So without further ado, let me introduce you to some of them...

Norman, Duke of Norwich
(Gerald Jacuzzo as "Jeremy Brooks")
A swishy, perverted, eye-rolling, lip-smacking, self-proclaimed "tri-sexual," pleasure-seeking Frank Zappa look-a-like who makes Caligula look restrained by comparison and has temper tantrums more suited to a toddler, Norman is fourth in line for the crown... and he doesn't like it one bit. Conspiring with his hunchback sidekick, his mistress and a loin-cloth clad (!) executioner, Norman makes mince-meat out of those who are getting in the way of him living the lavish lifestyle he knows he deserves. He's so good he even has stuffy councilman Peter the Eye (Neil Flanagan) in his pocket. For laughs, Norman also operates his own private torture chamber where victims are chained up, starved and have their tongues and limbs removed. Despite the title of this film, his "Torture Dungeon" is only featured in one scene. Did I mention Norman also has temper tantrums?
Albert, Duke of Abernathy
(Hal Borske in a pageboy wig)
After the death of his brother, Albert has moved up to first in line for the crown and inescapably becomes a target of his unhinged half-brother. Not that it really matters since Albert is mentally retarded. You see, he "fell on his head" as a child, and now he can barely talk and likes to sit on the ground eating bugs and grass. He's so lame that he doesn't even know what to do during his wedding night and must be coached into taking off his clothes and joining his new bride in bed by Norman (who plots to steal his wife once the royal seed has been planted).
Heather MacGregor
(Susan Cassidy)
A busty nineteen-year-old peasant girl whose carefree days of frolicking nude in a stream and in the forest with her lover William (Dan Lyra) are about to come to an end. Heather is plucked from obscurity and offered up as Albert's bride after her adoptive father sells her for 30 gold pieces. She plans to run off with her beau, but the executioner shows up to crucify him and sink a pitchfork into his neck. But life must go on after all and Heather forgoes the grieving process in favor of getting knocked up by that drooling buffoon Albert.

Lady Jane
(Patricia Dillon)
Now second in line for the crown, tortured Lady Jane managed to get herself knocked up out of wedlock. To make matters worse, the father of her unborn child is dead. And to make matters even worse than that, the father of her unborn child is also her dead brother. She'd fallen in love with him and, knowing Norman is responsible for his death, plots revenge ("From now on, revenge is my lover!")

Lady Agatha
(Donna Whitfield)
Third in line for the crown, Lady Agatha is just kind of there... with only her amazingly wooden line deliveries to keep her company.

Magda
(Helen Adams)
An elderly, senile, shrill 'marriage counselor'... who for some strange reason finds it necessary to dress like a giant butterfly while dishing out the redundant goods on the birds and the bees to the less-than-wholesome Heather.

Ivan, the Hunchback
(Richard Mason)
He sings. He dances. He constantly bounces up and down. He gets whipped for falling on to the ground and simulating masturbation. He's Ivan! Ivan is not only a jester, but he's also Norman's secret lover. Ivan also induges in necrophilia when the opportunity comes his way. He relates a childhood trauma story about when he was six years old and his prostitute mother wanted him to be a more convincing beggar so she arranged for some of her male 'friends' to gang rape him and then stomp on his back until it broke (!!)

Rosemary
(Patricia Garvey)
Norman's other lover, Rosemary was a poor orphan who had religion shoved down her throat growing up. Her aunt sold her to the kingdom at age 12 and she spent the next four years eating table scraps and veggie peels. That is, until she became a chambermaid and found her way into Norman's bed. Now Norman wants to have a menage-a-troix with her and his hunchback buddy. Will Rosemary cave under the pressure?

Margaret, the One-Eyed Hag
(Maggie Rogers)
This 'one-eyed hag' has a bone to pick with Norman because years earlier he locked her in a burning church, which resulted in her being hideously disfigured, losing both her husband and one of her peepers and having to give up custody of her infant daughter. Did I mention that Heather has never met her mother? Yes, I believe I did. When not loitering around in the torture chamber or impressing with her spear-chucking skills, Margaret also takes time out of her busy schedule to provide us with the moral of the story: "Why do people do such fouls things? They're beasts by nature!" Preach it, sister.

Needless to say, watching all of these not-so-fine folks interacting, fighting and killing each other off makes for some, uh, rather interesting viewing. I won't lead anyone astray by saying this is a good movie. It's not. The performances range from hilariously overwrought to ridiculously wooden, the sets would be subpar for an elementary school production, the costumes were all fashioned out of bedsheets, shower curtains and quilts and all of the music was stolen from other movies. The chaotic editing, lighting that is alternately too bright or too dark and amateurish 16mm photography are awful, too. While I recognize this for the disasterous mess it is, I can't help but recommend it as the fascinating and oddly engrossing train wreck that it is. Every horror fan should watch at least one Andy Milligan movie, and this is one of the 'best' I've seen so far.

Strangely enough, in a film filled with incest, rape, child abuse, threesomes, full frontal nudity from both sexes and lots of cheap gore, a gay kissing scene between Norman and his hunchbacked amore was the one to be censored out (notice the jump in frames when the mad duke leans over hunchie and asks if he's happy). If left intact, that probably would have been a first in the world of horror. It was written by "John Borske" (who is probably co-star / technical director Hal Borske) and Milligan (who also shot it, did costumes as "Raffine" and probably also decorations as "Elaine"). The budget was just 15 thousand dollars.

Midnight Video and Something Weird Video were the American video distributors. I don't believe this is officially on DVD. Methinks a Milligan box set is long overdue. I'll be the first in line.

SBIG