Princess of Darkness (1988)

Directed by:

"Bill Blackman" (Ron Jeremy)

A man sits in front of Bogie and Bergman posters with his favorite "old picture book" and thumbs to the page of a certain legendary character that he refuses to name but claims that everyone knows. Though the pudgy, hairy, greasy, unkempt-looking actor playing the storyteller also uses the names "David Elliott," "Hiramus Merkin" and "Bill Blackman" in the credits, he'll be instantly recognizable to nearly everyone as Ron Jeremy. You know, the same guy who has appeared in over 2000 adult films and is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's most prolific porno star. And the same guy who was chosen by AVN as the #1 porn star of all time. That guy. Sex films aside, Jeremy has also appeared in a hundred or so "legit" films, both big budget and small. Included among his work are over 70 horror films. Troma really got the ball rolling there, making him a regular in their cast rotation starting in the mid-90s. He's usually in the campier stuff and certain directors probably think they're being witty and edgy by casting someone like him. Jeremy has also starred in video games, music videos, television shows, kid's shows (!!!) and had feature-length documentaries made about his life and career. As far as porn goes, he's as mainstream as it gets.

Part of Ron's greatest appeal was, ironically, his complete lack of appeal. It was porn's way of saying, "Hey, if this sweaty, smelly, furry, pot-bellied blabbermouth can score with these beautiful young women, maybe there's hope you for, too!" I suppose that's a relatable angle to use if one can ignore the reality of the situation. You know, the part where these women wouldn't be having sex with him if they weren't being paid for it. Personally, the only feeling ever aroused in me watching him paw and pump away at his co-stars was usually pity for whatever poor starlet was stuck doing the scene with him. But that's just the superficial me talking. The real issue I, and so many others, have with the guy is something much worse, namely Jeremy being a serial sex offender.

Jeremy's off-screen "antics" are also why I never enjoyed seeing him on screen. The countless stories about his inappropriate, and often times criminal, behavior with female costars goes as far back as 1981; just two years after he first entered the business! That he was allowed to flourish in both the adult entertainment industry and in the mainstream regardless is simply pathetic. Even worse, his accusers were disbelieved, and their abuse completely disregarded, simply because they were female adult film stars. It's almost as if society was telling us that assaulting a woman was permissible if the woman also happened to be a sex worker. According to a number of the female performers, the adult industry protected Jeremy, opting instead to punish the female victims who dared to come forward. Meanwhile, the police did their part by ignoring numerous reports filed against Jeremy going back decades. Geesh, what kind of messed up world are we living in, anyway?

It wouldn't be until 2017 when literally dozens of women, prompted by the #MeToo movement, came forward that people started taking these allegations seriously. Jeremy was finally arrested in June 2020 and currently has over 30 charges leveled against him from 21 different women that stretch all the way back to 1996. One victim claims she was just 15 years old at the time of her assault. His case hasn't gone to trial yet though due to Jeremy being temporarily transferred to a mental health facility for a psychiatric evaluation and other lawyer shenanigans. In an interview with Rolling Stone, he claims the accusations are coming from jilted women suffering from "buyer's remorse." We'll see.

Quite an ugly intro for a review for a silly vampire porn, eh? Hey, I needed something to talk about. Besides, this film also happens to be rather dark and ugly itself, so it's rather fitting. One of the very first images we see in this classy production is a barely-dressed woman lying on an ugly rug on a dirty floor in a wood-paneled room with flies crawling on her. You turned on yet? After the woman is bitten by a rubber bat on a string, the young actress then has sex with a guy who looks old enough to be her father in a scene shot in about as unappealing a manner as possible. When a few simple crotch shots are the most horrifying thing in your vampire film, you know you got problems. The girl then flashes a set of plastic vampire fangs after she finishes earning her paycheck. Eek!

The bat flies off into a smoky closet and reemerges as a nameless vampire (Dan T. Mann) dressed in a cape and bikini briefs. I imagine he's supposed to be Count Dracula due to Jeremy's introduction, though the name is never uttered. The vampire approaches Samantha Strong painting her nails, pushes back her foot-high teased hair, leans in toward her neck and then, well, nothing. She snarls, "Don't even try it, fang face! We're two of a kind, remember?" Sam is apparently the vampire's wife or girlfriend or something. She tells him she's been eyeing another woman and is planning on paying her a visit later on that evening, while he's off to the neighborhood hospital to raid their blood bank.

In bat form, Samantha visits a sleeping Frankie (Frankie Leigh) and bites her on the neck. In this film, the bite not only turns one into a bloodsucker but also turns them on in another way. Frankie starts rubbing herself when Samantha appears in her room in sexy lingerie and helps out. Meanwhile, Not-Really-Dracula takes a wrong turn at the hospital, accidentally walks into the "AIDS Patients" ward, comes out spitting and says "I don't want to fuck with their blood!" Yes, that's the level of "humor" to be found here, along with the vampire couple repeatedly telling each other to fuck off. The rest of the film is comprised of sex scenes featuring Not-Really-Dracula with Frankie, Not-Really-Dracula with Samantha and, capping things off, Jeremy having a go at some unknown blonde after finishing up his story, which is somehow an even lower point of the video than that terrible AIDS joke.

Strong's naturally voluptuous body notwithstanding, this Video Exclusives release has next to nothing to offer even avid porn watchers. Some of the dialogue is raunchy and you get a look at two new-ish actresses (Liza Anne and Crystal Hart) who didn't do much else beyond this but, as a whole, this is unappealing, bottom of the barrel stuff. Poorly-shot scenes, poorly-improvised dialogue, butt ugly 80s décor, ugly actors and one set of cheap, ill-fitting plastic fangs being passed around by the entire cast, although that's hardly the least hygienic thing seen here. 

This also has nothing to do with John Carpenter's similarly-titled film from the previous year. They really missed a golden opportunity to make a green lava lamp the erotic catalyst.

NO STARS!