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Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Madam Satan (1970)

... aka: Madame Satan

Directed by:
Tom Gordon

In the early 70s, sex and Satanism went together like peanut butter and jelly. I'm not quite sure why that was, but there was a huge number of both hard and soft core sex films that centered their action around the occult, devil-worshippers, Satan and / or hell. Maybe the appeal was the combination of two societal taboos together after the recent erosion of censorship; sort of like a “Ha! Look at what we can do now and you can't do anything about it!” type of thing. Maybe audiences at the time were more turned on when their sex was blended with darker subject matter. Maybe it was just backlash from the recent success of such occult-themed hits as ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968). Or maybe they simply didn't know what else to do plot-wise and buying plastic horns, capes, candles and red light bulbs were just cheaper than the alternatives. The one recurring theme with these movies however is that nearly all of them are no budget, rock bottom, horribly made, horribly acted, barely-plotted and pretty much terrible in every way possible. This cycle certainly hit its crescendo with the hardcore classic The Devil in Miss Jones (1973); an anomaly in this subgenre in that it's a legitimately good movie. It may even be the only Satanic sex movie from this period that's any good at all. If there are others, I guess I just haven't stumbled upon them yet.





Five people, two men and three women, arrive at psychic Madam Cobra's (Linda Vroom) home and are let in and then seated at a table by her slow-talking half wit butler Igor. As they await the psychic's arrival, the camera zooms in on each guest's face, goes out of focus and then we learn a little more about them via flashback. “What in the hell am I doing here?,” wonders Jim Jackson (Richard Smedley) before we backtrack to his bedroom a few days earlier where he's woken up by Susan (Susan Westcott, from SEX PSYCHO) and then coerces her into the sack (“Why don't you slip into something more comfortable... like... my bed.”) Unbeknownst to Jim, Susan is actually in cahoots with his Uncle; a publisher who wants to expose Cobra as a fraud and fake spiritualist. The Uncle wants Susan to pose as “Lola Fontaine” and pretend like she wants the psychic to contact the ghost of her dead sister in order to collect an inheritance.





The other male guest, John, who looks a lot like Jeff Kober, then has a crazy recollection about having a red-hooded man burn his junk with a lit candle during an initiation rite to join “The Psycho Club.” Janet (Barbara Mills) isn't given a flashback at all but her friend Maggie (Pamela Westcott) is, which recalls how her past relationship ended...

Maggie
“I'm a virgin and I'd like to stay that way till I'm married!”

Larry
“I'm beginning to think you are frigid. 
You just don't want me to know until our wedding night in case I call off the wedding.”

Maggie
“Oh honey, you know that's not true!”

Larry
(pouncing on her)
“Then give it to me!”

Maggie
(running away)
“Nooooo!”

Larry
“Bitch!"

Blonde psychic Cobra finally shows up promising to give them “an experience you shall never forget.” She lays out the pre-seance ground rules (absolute silence, no breaking the chain), smoke rolls and suddenly everyone's sitting on the floor in a circle naked. Cobra, now wearing a black wig, announces herself as Madam Satan and tell them she's there to teach them “what sin is all about!” Everyone's led down a dark hallway by the whip-cracking butler until they meet a bearded, pot-bellied Satanic priest (James Mathers) who preaches and has his hooded servant Huntz give them “the elixir or lust.” Before everyone else can get down to business, “The Ritual of the Virgin” must be performed on you-know-who, which involves her being laid out on a table and the priest and Igor “anointing” her “loins.” Everyone else has sex in various combinations, except for Jim, who's chained to a wall and forced to watch. One of the big issues is that no one - not even a girl giving him oral pleasure while another girl sits on his face giving another guy oral pleasure - can get John excited. Not even Madam Satan, the “Queen of Sin” herself, can't get a rise out of the guy in the traditional way, so she chains the “little pervert” to the wall and whips him. When that doesn't work, she shoves a dildo up his ass (“Is this what you prefer?”) and the problem is finally solved.





I doubt this hour-long soft X sex flick is gonna be revving many engines these days, but that's not a problem. These no budget 70s oddities attract more of a cult fan following than they do avid porn watchers, anyway. Fans enjoy them because they're ineptly made and acted, gritty, grimy, grainy, dirty, sleazy, tasteless, outrageous and incredibly, impossibly cheap. This one happens to be all of those things. The camera is shaky and constantly zooms in and out, the canned jazz score is grating, the editing is awful and all of the action takes place in one home against blank white walls and in mostly barren rooms with just a bare minimum of props and furnishings. The séance room consists of a card table with a candle in the middle, folding chairs sitting around it and a cloth draping of an English lion (!?) on the wall, while hell has a mattress on the floor, a chain and that damn English lion draping again. Other props are just carried into the room from off-screen when needed.






In other words, pretty much everything going on is embarrassing and pathetic... but dammit if this thing isn't also incredibly funny at times. Sometimes the laughs are intentional, sometimes they're not, but that's not really important. What truly matters is that this is jam packed with ridiculous, crazy moments for bad movie fans to sink their teeth into. It's also packed with simulated sex and full male and female nudity. Once the cast lose their clothes they don't get them back until the last couple of minutes, meaning they're forced to enact this entire ridiculous scenario standing around naked, which itself becomes pretty hilarious. The acting is mostly terrible, but in that great, enthusiastic way, with Mathers and Vroom camping it up in an entertaining fashion. Male lead Smedley was a veteran of Al Adamson movies like Psycho a Go-Go (1965) and Brain of Blood (1971) and makes hilarious facial expressions during his love scenes. The only person receiving on-screen credit is the director / producer. There's not even a copyright anywhere to be found on the print.






I couldn't find any information about this title online aside from an Australian record that someone attempted to release a 16mm print there in 1974 but it was banned due to "indecency." I also couldn't find a single theatrical poster nor any advertising materials. According to IMDb, it was first distributed on VHS by Class X Video though, again, I could not find a video box to verify this. What is verifiable is that it made its DVD debut through Alpha Blue Archives, who've included it – along with 11 other devil / occult-themed soft and hardcore sex films - on their 4 disc set “Satanic Sickies Box 2.” In 2013, a company called After Hours Cinema also included it on a 3 film set called “Satan's Sex Party."

SBIG

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare (1987)

... aka: Arch Angel
... aka: Edge of Hell, The
... aka: Face of Hell, The

Directed by:
John Fasano

Leather, spandex, sequins, rubber, eye shadow, highly questionable music sensibilities, terrible acting, several gallons of hairspray and one astronomically high ego; just a few of the ingredients that went into making Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare, Canada's most famous entry in the 80s 'heavy metal horror' subgenre. This seven-day-wonder was produced by, written by and stars Jon Mikl Thor aka "The Legendary Rock Warrior" aka “Thunderhawk” aka "The Man with the World's Most Protruding Rib Cage." Thor started out as a bodybuilder who earned the titles of both "Mr. Canada" and "Mr. USA" before moving on to a career in glam / hair metal with releases like "Muscle Rock" and "Devastation of Musculation." See a recurring themes there? He also wrote, produced and starred in a couple of 80s horror flicks (the other was the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 favorite Zombie Nightmare) clearly meant to showcase his musical abilities as well as his writing skills and his, a-hem, sex appeal as an actor. The good thing is that he fails so hard on all counts that the movie itself is pretty hilarious and only gets more and more laughably absurd the longer it goes on. So will you be able to endure sitting through 83 minutes of poorly-made vanity project hair band cheese overload? I don't know, but you should still aaac-cept the challlllennnnnge!








Thor plays John Triton, the bleached-out lead singer of the band Tritonz. Having accepted an advance for an upcoming album, he and his band mates (two guitar players, a drummer and a female keyboard player), plus a few of their girlfriends and their manager, retreat to a secluded farm house for five weeks to work on their music. There's no telephone, but there is a recording studio in the barn where the likes of Alice Cooper and Rod Stewart supposedly performed where they can fine tune their awful hair metal anthems like "We Live to Rock" and "You Give Me Energy." What could possibly go wrong? Well, for starters the place is infested by an evil master demon and a bunch of its hand puppet rubber mini-minions, which possess, impersonate and kill. The first to go is the band manager, who's seduced, possessed and then disappears, prompting one of the ladies to comment "I'm sure Phil's not dead or anything or he would have called" (?!) Phil appears one more time to intercept four female members of the Tritonz fan club, demanding they show him their "bazooms" before luring them down into the basement where they're presumably killed.








Everyone else - save for our hero - eventually dies but the filmmakers refuse to show us any of it and the murders all take place off-screen. There are just two lame gore effects here; a guy getting a chunk bitten out of his shoulder by a demon and a giant clawed hand popping out of a guy's chest, and that's it. I don't even remember so much as a drop of blood anywhere. Receiving much more screen time are a slew of truly awful-looking little rubber critters that look plucked right from a child's toy box. The main one has one eyeball, smokes a cigarette and drools in a guy's drink, another looks like a cross between a snake and a Pterodactyl and a few more finally show up with Troll Doll hair. All of this leads up to a truly laughable finale where Jon Mikl battles against a plastic demon he keeps calling "bub" while wearing an outfit consisting of a cape, a jewel-encrusted speedo, knee-high boots and arm bands, heavy eye makeup and teased out hair.








Sadly, the above ensemble outfit isn't even the worst thing Thor wears. That honor goes to either the unbuttoned silver tuxedo jacket with black spandex pants or the pink polka dotted silk blouse that looks like something Blanche Devereaux would wear on a date. Thor also makes sure to write himself a shower sex scene where he awkwardly paws and tongues the poor actress playing his girlfriend, but the less said about that the better. There's not much else to say about this one. It's truly terrible in every way but with lots of that bad movie charm fans of this kind of stuff look for. If you want to see something along the same lines that's similarly cheesy but more competently-made make sure to give Trick or Treat (1986) or Shock 'em Dead (1991) a gander.








Director Fasano went on to contribute the better-made but perhaps less-memorable BLACK ROSES (1988) to the metal horror cycle. He also made The Jitters (1988), which hoped to introduce Western audiences to “hopping vampires,” which were huge in Hong Kong at the time. Thor returned to star in and produce the belated sequel Intercessor: Another Rock 'N' Roll Nightmare, which was released in 2005 to little attention and apparently no audience considering almost nobody has seen it. Thor will also be the subject of an upcoming documentary / biopic titled I Am Thor.

SBIG
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