Ratings Key

= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Bikini Island (1990)

Directed by:
Anthony Markes

Finalists for the coveted title of Swimwear Illustrated cover girl travel with photography crew in tow to a secluded island for a shoot, become trapped and are then systematically bumped off by a mysterious killer. All the elements needed to please B/trash/exploitation fans are here and accounted for; bad acting, stupid dialogue, sex watched through peepholes, endless modeling sessions set to cheesy rock songs, death by bathroom plunger, a van driven over a cliff, nudity, breast-bouncin' volleyball games with slow motion high-fives, a snake eating a mouse and ridiculous multiple suspects, including a gross Arabic (?) motel manager named "Frab" (read it backwards) who keeps caged chickens in his bedroom and sucks on his bottom lip while ogling stolen pictures of the beauties! However, we the viewer are slightly caught off guard when we realize the painstaking work it took the scriptwriters to justifying the eventual triumph and survival of lead blonde starlet Annie Kelly (Holly Floria). She's nice enough to lend out her string bikinis and suntan oil to the others and thus, dammit, she deserves to live!
Even though this is dumb in the extreme, the filmmakers wear their stupidity like a badge of honor, play up on the silliness the entire time and have a sense of humor about all this. There's a lot of skin, but less actual nudity than one might expect. Incidentally, the soundtrack to this movie is great! If there were a CD released, I'd buy it! And thanks for finally giving us a song about "Little teeny weenie, French cut bikinis," that was so deserve.


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