Ratings Key



★★★★
= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
★★★
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Sandy Hook Lingerie Party Massacre (2000)

Directed by:
Tim Beckley

As it turns out, the tragic recent school shootings at Sandy Hook Elementary aren't the only horrors that have befallen that quaint coastal New England town... Christ, this was awful. With a title containing the words "lingerie" and "massacre," one can probably guess that this was made - first and foremost - to show off nude or scantily-clad women. To its credit, it does show off nude and scantily-clad women. However, most of the featured "actresses" are not going to be everyone's Helen of Troy. This has to be the biggest collection of skanks I've ever seen gathered together for one of these things. I'm talkin' tattoos and piercings all over the place, fried hair, bruised legs, cottage cheese thighs, stubbly armpits and guts that manage to extend out even further than their generous DD proportions, all clad in the ugliest and least flattering clothing imaginable. It's very true that there's not just one standard of beauty, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, some men like women with more meat on their bones and so on and so forth, so I won't comment any further on these lady's physical attributes. I will just say that I guarantee the majority of men's eyes will gravitate either right toward its star: prolific B-movie vixen Debbie Rochon, or perhaps to fetish model / professional dominatrix Mistress Persephone. The rest of the chicks in this movie are "homely" to put it kindly.







We start out at a strip club, where the dancers are introduced via a voice-over from each one. Mona Crowley (Rochon) is "just a psychic who happens to be sexy." Natasha (Zane Ka) is the educated one who fancies herself an artist and is stripping only because she can't find work as a belly dancer. Barbara (Tanya Harsh) is proud of her hooters and thinks "a man would have to be stone cold gay not to enjoy these natural beauties." Paula (Mellissa) has an anxiety disorder, is antisocial and wants to break out of her shell. Didi (Di Di Delicious) is a bisexual punker chick into sex, drugs, rock 'n' roll. Dusk (Persephone) has a kinky side and incorporates a cat o' nine tails into her stage act. These six gals decide to head out to Sandy Hook during winter off-season for a little rest and relaxation. Their trip plays out like your own vacation home movies (with comparable production values) as they try to figure out a map, get lost, flash a horny, hook-handed guy holding a road sign and recite a chant ("Sandy Hook, Sandy Hook. Rain and wind, sand and thunder, is gonna put you six feet under.") that ends up biting them in the ass.







So the girls go to their beach house, dance wearing masks and have extremely awkward, mostly sex-oriented improvised conversations; one of which involves whether or not they'd have sex with this film's director. They go to the beach to fly a kite and knock a beach ball around with their tits. One of the girls goes to a tattoo parlor to get her nipple and tongue pierced and hears a story about the ghost of the Sandy Hook Lighthouse Keeper. According to legend, the keeper committed suicide because he felt guilty for not turning on the light one night and now he haunts the area. The house the ladies have rented happens to be located right next to the lighthouse where the Keeper worked. But that's all for naught since nothing is explained and the psycho who does eventually show up is decked out as some leather-clad BDSM freak.






After a game of "Titster" (Sex Twister) and a tarot card reading spelling doom, the psycho finally shows up to kill everyone off. After he decapitates one girl in a hot tub, her friend lifts the head up and says, "This isn't what I meant when I said I wanted to get ahead in life." in a monotone voice. Another girl is chased down the beach and gets hooked behind a rock. There's a machete through the neck, a drowning in the toilet and other such nonsense; all horribly staged. Almost all of the violence takes place off-screen and we just get to see the Karo-smeared aftermath... and it takes an entire hour to get to any of it!







I cannot stress enough how painfully bad this is. The whole thing reeks of being a terribly disorganized production made by complete amateurs who had no clue what they were doing. The continuity is non-existent, the camera is frequently out of focus so entire scenes are blurry, nearly every frame is either over-lit or too damn dark to see what's going on and there doesn't appear to have been much of a script since the actresses constantly talk over and interrupt one another. There are a gazillion shots of the lighthouse cut throughout the film, sometimes in negative image, and the comic relief  - involving some foul-mouthed, nasal-voiced old pervert named Mr. Creepo (played by the director) is embarrassingly bad. Awful, awful, awful, and not even a bit of fun. And this is coming from someone who quite likes the 'sexy chicks have a slumber party and get slaughtered' subgenre.








These same people behind this also made BARELY LEGAL LESBIAN VAMPIRES: THE CURSE OF ED WOOD (2001) and SKIN EATING JUNGLE VAMPIRES (2002).

NO STARS!
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