Ratings Key



★★★★
= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
★★★
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Sorority Babes in the Dance-A-Thon of Death (1991)

Directed by:
Todd Sheets

There are times when we can only point, laugh and be glad that we were not personally involved... 

In 1987, David DeCoteau directed SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIMEBALL BOWL-O-RAMA, an intentionally cheesy horror-comedy about sorority girls and nerds facing off against an evil wish-granting imp in a bowling alley. Though not what most would consider a genre classic, it went on to a small cult following thanks primarily to its memorable title plus the fact it was a reasonably fun B-movie with enthusiastic actors, lots of nudity, lots of bad jokes, a cheesy-looking monster and pretty solid production values. Though not a film exactly clamoring for a sequel, DeCoteau himself made Nightmare Sisters (1988), another college horror-comedy (reportedly shot in just 4 days) which was also heavy on the T&A and featured the same three female stars, as a companion piece. He should have just stopped right there. Unfortunately, he did not and decided to throw a little money at Kansas City filmmaker Todd Sheets so he could make this unofficial "sequel." While the budget of Slimeball was a modest but sufficient 90 thousand dollars (enough to afford professional film equipment), I'd be surprised if the budget of this one exceeded 90 dollars (enough to purchase blank VHS tapes to feed into the camcorder it was shot with; they certainly didn't spend it on light bulbs!)

Who owns these breasts and why aren't they in the movie?


Our leads are a bunch of zero talent gargoyles with fried hair, dumpy bodies and the ugliest clothes the 80s had to offer who decide to open their own sorority house after being rejected from "The Felta Deltas." They paint, clean, dance, play Twister and pinball and talk about throwing a housewarming party for the opening of their new house. Suddenly, something strange and unusual happens... and I'm not talking about the incident during a séance where a crystal ball spits out smoke that knocks all of the girls unconscious. I'm talking about the fact the director completely forgets about the plot he just set up. Without warning, the girls all suddenly become sorority pledges still trying to get into that snobby house with no mention of the sorority house they'd just opened. Let that sink in for a second. It's almost seems as if this was all just made up as they go along. Probably because it was.


After the smoke clears, so to speak, one of the girls becomes "sexy" and starts acting weird. As part of an initiation rite, five of the girls are forced to go spend the night in a reputedly haunted building where possessed girl pulls out her eyeballs and then puts them back in and then kills a couple of guys who happen to be there admiring the girls' "garbonzas." Characters walk around the building in scenes that never seem to end and are so poorly lit you can't tell what's even going on. The possessed girl then chases the survivors back into town to a bar and the elderly couple who accidentally sold them the crystal ball show up to perform a lame exorcism. The old guy also informs them that the crystal had previously been used by a witch who "conjured up an exorcism" (?!) with it. Say whaaa? There's no blood, no gore, no nudity, no special effects and no entertainment value to speak of to any of this except to laugh at how cheap and amateurish the whole thing is. Most disappointingly, there's not even a damn "Dance-A-Thon" like the title promises!






The best part of this movie happens when the whole thing is over and the hilariously obnoxious end credits roll. There's a special "No Thanks" to "the K.C. Film Commission," "the close-minded folks here in K.C." and "anyone who thinks we make porno films." And then a "Big Rot in Hell" section for "Jack Valenti and the Nazi lovers at the M.P.A.A., all fat, lying abusive ministers who accuse us of being porno makers." The filmmakers then instruct Trekkies to "get a life" (?!) and that is followed by what is pretty much an insult to anyone who just wasted their time viewing this worthless tape: "Turn the damned thing off... don't you have any better things to do?" Yeah, says the guy who tried to make "The biggest, boobiest bimbo-fest of them all" and failed miserably at it.






This is also a rarity in that the the original VHS distributed by Video Outlaw is of much better quality - relatively speaking, of course - than the nth generation dupes used for the DVD distributed by Pendulum Pictures. See what I mean...

DVD

VHS

DVD

VHS

Ha, fooled you... VHS again.

Oh, screw you, Pendulum Pictures.


And just because I couldn't really get any decent screen shots from the DVD release, here are a few more from the tape...







Now back over to that playground for trolls and purveyor of false movie info that calls itself IMDb. Their "technical specs" section for this title currently claims... 


35mm? 35mm!? Ha! I doubt Sheets has ever even touched 35mm film stock, let alone used it. This also doesn't run 75 minutes as they (and the video box) claim, but just 69 and that's including the very slow-moving end credits.

NO STARS!
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