Ratings Key



★★★★
= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
★★★
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Lizzie Borden's Revenge (2013)

... aka: Axe is Back, The
... aka: Lizzie Borden's Revenge: The Axe is Back

Directed by:
Dennis Devine

"We conjured up the ghost of Lizzie Borden and now her lesbian ass is haunting our sorority house?!"


In Fall River, Massachusetts in 1892, Lizzie Borden (Jenny Allford) chops up her religious fanatic parents (mom is played by veteran Scream Queen Brinke Stevens, who certainly deserves better than this boring cameo) because they disapprove of her being a lesbian. This first scene alone, with its terrible acting, an exterior shot of a house that looks absolutely nothing like the real Borden house (they probably should have opted for a still photo), barren porn-level "art direction" and hilariously bad CGI blood splatter, pretty much sets the tone for what's to follow. And it's not a pretty picture, folks. Things cut to modern day as seven sorority sisters face "punishment" for being caught (gasp!) drinking. So what does this punishment entail? Well, it involves missing a Spring Break trip to Florida and something about them being locked up inside Lizzie Borden's former house and being forced to have a slumber party dressed only in their lingerie.









During a game of Truth or Dare, nerdy Cindy (Kelly Erin Decker) decides that for her dare they all should hold a séance to call forth the spirit of Lizzie. One of the girls, Leslie (hardcore porno actress Veronica Ricci), happens to be a descendant of the Borden clan and immediately becomes possessed. The other girls are Amanda (Marlene Mc'Cohen), whose mentally-disturbed younger sister Vanessa (Krystal Ellsworth) has managed to sneak inside, Dee (Tiffany Mualem), who has severe anger management issues, Janice (Ginny You), who is an uptight tattle-tale, Ashley (Mindy Robinson), a tattooed, silicone-chested slut, and Mallory (Shanalynne Wesner), whose attempt to take naughty birthday pics for her boyfriend results in pervert photographer Bobby (Michael Beardsley) breaking into the house armed with a handycam to shoot material to upload onto his porno website. The above characters talk, and wander down hallways, and talk some more, and run up the stairs, and talk, and sit on the couch and argue and whine and argue some more. It's about as much fun as it sounds. Every once in awhile, Lizzie (in crappy dime store Halloween kit level makeup) pops in to kill someone off.










Even as a longtime fan of low-budget trashy horror flicks - including the same director's DEAD GIRLS (1990) - this sunk too low even for me. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue ("I'm not retarded... I'm mentally imbalanced!") and attempts at character arcs (like the photographer's sudden big 'coming out' moment... don't ask) are cringe-worthy, the makeup and fx are extremely lame, the editing is terrible... Well, actually, *everything* is terrible. Worst of all, it commits the biggest sin for one of these things by being extremely boring. Even several of the actresses getting naked doesn't help matters. The only one able to rise above the material is You, who seems to have a knack for comedy. I wouldn't mind seeing her in something else. Several of the other girls are nice to look at and a few even show hints of appeal or talent, as if they could be better given decent material, but this sure as hell isn't it.







The DVD is from TomCat films, who are also responsible for Aliens vs. Avatars (2011), Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011), Jurassic Shark (2012), Isis Rising: Curse of the Lady Mummy (2013) and other garbage.

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