Ratings Key



★★★★
= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
★★★
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Terror at Orgy Castle (1971)

Directed by:
Zoltan G. Spencer

As you can imagine from the subtle title, this is one of those very cheap, quickly shot early 70s soft-porn "horror" movies that completely misuses any horror trappings it may contain. It also seriously misuses dialogue. Well, actually it doesn't have any dialogue between characters because it was so low-budget they couldn't afford sound, so instead we get a narrator who never shuts up and a score that alternates between generic organ music for the "spooky" scenes and generic upbeat light rock for the sex scenes. Bill aka the narrator (William Howard) and his worldly girl Lisa (not sure of the actress... maybe Bambi Allen?) come across a creepy castle while on a European vacation. After Bill justifies why they would risk their lives hanging around there ("We've made it together practically everyone else, so I figured, why not?"), the two go inside and encounter a mute butler named (what else?) Igor and the castle owner, Countess Dominova (played with a bare minimum of enthusiasm by some woman who calls herself "Holly Woodstar.") Bill and Lisa decide to spend the night. Why? Well, the details are kind of fuzzy but it's basically because Lisa wants to mark "sex in a spooky castle" off her places-I-want-to-"make it" checklist. More narration follows that attempts to flesh out the characters... "Lisa fell in love with the antique furnishings... especially the old bed." Oh wait, that was just a cheap set-up for the ten-minute long sex scene to follow. My bad.

So after Bill and Lisa "make it" and "make it" some more, Bill finds a copy of "Dracula's Daughter" (which he looks at for about 5 seconds and suddenly knows all about succubi and various other Satanic things), a ghost appears in a mirror and he goes snooping around downstairs, where he finds the vampiric/Satanic Countess doing some decidedly odd things. First off, she rubs some magical gook on two naked ladies lying on the floor. Next thing you know she transforms into a he (complete with heavy mascara), so she/he can have sex with the two women. A nude blonde (Jane Tsentas) and another woman rape Bill later that night when he goes back to bed. Not shaken or stirred by the previous evening's activities, Bill decides to stick around another day so he can attend the Countess' costume party, where there will be ridiculous looking sequin costumes, food, dancing and "strange brew." After watching two people have sex on the dinner table while people rub grapes all over them, and a woman getting off by having a rat squished on her stomach (??), Bill and Lisa decide they've had enough, run upstairs, grab their bags and try to make an exit for the door. Oops! Too late. They're hypnotized and forced to take part in more orgy castle hijinks. Doh! During the soul-stirring conclusion, Bill is tied to a rack naked while being serviced by two ladies and Lisa is gang-raped by a bunch of guys who trade off wearing some hilarious-looking glittery sheep headdress. "One after the other the men donned that Satanic mask of animal virility..."

Best I can say is that I'm glad to have another of these obscure sex-horror combos checked off my list. There's plenty of sex scenes and a ton of full nudity from both the ladies and the dudes, so as a sex film I guess it delivers the goods. I'll give it a couple of points for that. Everything else about it is awful, from the acting to the "comic" narration to the cheap looking set (the same ones used for DR. TERROR'S GALLERY OF HORRORS and BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE) to the flat photography to the boring music score. No credits are provided for the film (not that anyone would want credit for it). Something Weird has paired it up with EVIL COME, EVIL GO (an exploitation-sex-shocker that blows ORGY CASTLE out of the water if you ask me) and THE HAND OF PLEASURE (which I haven't watched yet) for the DVD release.

1/2

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