Ratings Key

= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Teen Witch (1989)

Directed by:
Dorian Walker

On her 16th birthday, "Plain Jane" Robyn Lively (who wears glasses and has straight hair instead of frizzy 80s hair to show what a nerd she is) learns from a neighborhood witch (Zelda Rubinstein aka the psychic lady from the POLTERGEIST flicks) that she herself is blessed with with special powers. She uses them to make herself cool and pretty (i.e. she takes off her glasses and breaks out the Aqua Net and spandex), turn her annoying younger brother (Joshua Miller, son of Jason Miller and co-star of the 80s classic NEAR DARK) into a dog and attract the attention of a popular football hunk (Dan Gauthier). In a bit of semi-inspired casting, Dick Sargent (Bewitched) plays Teen Witch's dad. This cheesy, tacky, badly dated supernatural comedy will be hard-going for most non-nostalgic adults and is aimed squarely at the type of pre-teen girls who frequently tune into the Disney Channel. It’s full of product placements to brainwash their little minds and has some hilariously awful dance/musical numbers. I mean the musical numbers are soooo lame. You should really take a look. Really, you should...

And if you're wondering what could possibly "Top That" (mahahah!) then here's your answer...

Score: 4 out of 10

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