Ratings Key



★★★★
= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
★★★
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Nutzoids at Cannibal Cove, The (1989)

Directed by:
Louis Ferriol

I've got to hand it some people. They sure know how to title movies to get people to watch them. Who do you know that could pass up a title like this one? Regardless, this 30-minute zero-budget shot-with-a-not-so-great-camcorder spoof will be grueling as hell to sit through for most viewers. It opens with picture credits introducing the cast, along with an episode title card calling it "Let's Roast Little Kathy For Dinner." Sounds promising enough. Door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman Jim Henderson (Bob Rose) has just arrived home from a long day at work. His three bratty kids; teen cheerleader daughter Betty (Kim French), mullet-sporting teen son Budd (Gerard Maccioli) and younger daughter Kathy (Dana Michele), who is worried about missing communion, immediately start nagging him. Mom Chizelda (Bev Francis) keeps threatening to wash everyone's mouth out with Formula 409 with ammonia. Well, the son's car broke down somewhere along the highway and the family all pile into their car and go looking for it, picking up a prostitute named Bitsy (Meadow Williams) on their way there. After an hour of driving they run across an elderly clairvoyant (Jane De Leeuw) lying in the middle of the road. They exit the car and walk into the woods where they find a sign on the ground warning of "Necromanions;" which are zombies from the dark side who want human blood to drink and human flesh to devour. Everyone gets lost in the woods and end up at a cabin, where they decide to spend the night.

The next morning Betty and Bitsy wake up to find themselves all alone in the cabin. Betty takes a peak outside and sees her parents and brother have been turned into zombies. And poor little Kathy sits in a giant cauldron being slowly cooked while the old psychic lady does the "Cook a Little Girl Polka" (?) dance around her. A hem. Is it real or all a dream? Jokes are made about Jerry's Kids, The Wizard of Oz, greedy nuns and public access TV (where this seems to have come from). The music is familiar theme songs from Father Knows Best, The Twilight Zone, The Munsters, Green Acres, The Andy Griffith Show and Gilligan's Island. It's short. It's stupid. It looks terrible and was mostly filmed in semi darkness. But for the budget range (which is basically nothing), it at least has a few amusing moments and the actors are, surprisingly, not too bad.

This is from the fine folks at Carlson International who also made THE NECROTIC (1978), THE NEW YORK CENTERFOLD MASSACRE (1985) and several other short features released to VHS by the obscure company Vidimax (and now apparently are on DVD through Questar Media).

1/2

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