Ratings Key

= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Return to Horror High (1987)

Directed by:
Bill Froelich

Despite the title, this has nothing to do with HORROR HIGH (1974; aka TWISTED BRAIN) and isn't a sequel to anything. A horror film crew travels to the now-closed Crippen High school five years after a series of brutal murders were committed. They start their low-budget production and a white-masked killer (who seems to have supernatural powers) prowls around and kills them all off one by one. It's supposedly a horror parody, but it's not funny and it's not scary, there's little gore and the ending is absolutely terrible. The cast however is surprisingly good for this type of thing. There's Alex Rocco as a sleazebag producer, Vince Edwards as a biology professor (who has the best death scene), Maureen "Marsha Brady" McCormick (who actually mentions this film in her autobiography) as a policewoman who smears blood on her chest (?) and George Clooney, before he became a star, as one of the first to go. Clooney also acted in GRIZZLY II (which has not been released to video) and RETURN OF THE KILLER TOMATOES during this period. Regardless of the presence of the above listed actors, this is a complete misfire and it's almost painful to watch. Lori Lethin (BLOODY BIRTHDAY) and Brendan Hughes (TO DIE FOR) are the young stars, and also in the cast are Philip McKeon (Nancy's brother), Scott Jacoby, Darcy DeMoss (who shows up long enough to appear topless), Kristi Somers, Pepper Martin and Al Fann.

Score: 2 out of 10

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