Ratings Key



★★★★
= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
★★★
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Troll (1986)

... aka: Torok the Troll
... aka: Troll: Creature of Evil

Directed by:
John Carl Buechler

Troll was one of the earliest films from executive producer Charles Band to show off his strange and obsessive love for evil and destructive little critters; a love that would be responsible for spawning dozens of similar films featuring killer puppets, killer toys, killer gnomes, killer bongs and, of course, killer gingerdead - er, gingerbread - cookies. You could call Troll the seed pod that helped to grow the Great Oak of Empire / Wizard / Shadow / Full Moon. And speaking of seed pods, how'd you like to see Sonny "I Got You Babe" Bono transform into one and then explode into a lush forest? Oh, what irony there! Noah Hathaway (fresh from THE NEVERENDING STORY) stars as a young teen named Harry Potter Jr. (is J.K. Rowling a fan of this movie?!) who moves into a new San Francisco apartment building with his family. Dad, Harry Sr. (Michael Moriarty), is a book critic who has a huge collection of 3000 records he likes to seizure-dance to. Anna (Shelley Hack, better here than in THE STEPFATHER, thankfully) is your typical cleanin' cookin' stay-at-home wife / mom. And let us not forget Wendy (Jenny Beck), who may look like a cute little blonde-haired, blue-eyed sprite... but looks can be deceiving.






While they're still unloading the moving van, Wendy has the misfortune of crossing paths with a mischievous troll in the downstairs laundry room. The troll immediately takes over her body and sets about causing as many problems as possible for her family and the other tenants in the building. Wendy begins eating like a pig, becomes disobedient and obnoxious, runs around screaming, growls, throws boxes around and bites people. Since she's now a troll, Wendy starts using her magical ring to change her habitat into the perfect stomping grounds for herself and other such creatures. She starts by taking out middle-aged sleazebag Peter Dickinson (Bono). With one touch of the ring, Peter turns into a pod, which explodes into vines and foliage, turning Peter's upstairs bachelor pad into a haven for little rubbery creatures. Wendy does the same thing to Barry Taybor (Gary Sandy), a marine / fitness buff / Ronald Reagan lover. The troll just bounces around from apartment to apartment taking over each space.






Eunice St. Clair (June Lockhart), the eccentric old lady who lives on the top floor, is a former princess who's now a witch / guardian living there to keep the trolls and fairies in check. Friendless and lonely, Harry Jr. befriends her and learns all about what's going on. Eunice has magical staffs and a talking mushroom named Galwin, and explains the origin of the troll causing all of the problems. The troll - named Torok - was banished by humans a long, long time ago and has used Walpurgis Night (the Witch's Sabbath) as a chance to take over the planet with his evil little friends. They're trying to create "the fourth dimension." Meanwhile, Julia Louis-Dreyfus (in her film debut) is transformed into a wood nymph and Wendy / Torok cozies up to Malcolm Mallory (Phil Fondacaro), a dying dwarf English professor, because she / it thinks he's an elf. Fondcaro - a regular in the director's films - also plays Torok.






A decent budget, imaginative (though often hokey) special effects and a few talented actors cannot save this melding of fantasy, horror and comedy elements; which misfires on most levels. It appears the filmmakers were wanting to cash in on the big fantasy film craze of the mid-80s - which resulted in such hits as THE DARK CRYSTAL, LABYRINTH and LEGEND (all 1985 releases) - but their attempts at light whimsy are completely at odds with a roster of obnoxious characters. I think they're supposed to be quirky and funny, but they're really just over-the-top and irritating. The story takes far too long to delve into the mythology of the monsters and, after already being beaten into submission by a bunch of pea-brained gags and screaming buffoons, I found myself not really caring. Attempts at tugging at our heartstrings will result in more than a few pairs of eyeballs rolling, as well. There are a lot of variable special effects in this one. The troll itself - which was designed by director Buechler (making his debut here) - is excellent. Most of the rest of the creatures look identical to the cheesy / rubbery demons from the GHOULIES movies. At the end, there's a large bat creature (which doesn't even fly). John Vulich, Everett Burrell and Howard Berger also worked on the makeups.






Moriarty gets to goof off a bit but he's pretty much wasted here. Lockhart steals what there is to steal (not much, sadly). Her daughter Anne Lockhart gets to play a younger version of the same character. Band, along with his wife Debra Dion (the associate producer), father Albert Band (the producer) and mother Jacquelyn Band, all have cameos on TV sets. Parts of Richard Band's score were reused for FROM BEYOND (1986) and posters for the Band films PARASITE (1982) and RAGEWAR (1984) can be seen on the son's bedroom walls.

Irony of all ironies, the popularity of this film (which was shot in Italy and was a big money-maker in theaters and on video) has been completely eclipsed in recent years by the hilariously awful unrelated Italian "sequel" TROLL 2 (1990). CRAWLERS (1990), another Italian film, took the title of Troll III at one point. Neither Troll 2 nor Troll III actually featured trolls.

1/2

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