Mutilations (1987)

Directed by:
Lawrence Thomas

Here's an ultra low-budget regional production made for peanuts in Tulsa, Oklahoma that managed to get a VHS release. The distributor was the hitherto unknown label Baron Video Distribution Limited, which was formed in, you guessed it, Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1990, the same year the tape was released. In other words, Baron Video was likely formed for the sole purpose of issuing this particular movie. On the Oklahoma Secretary of State's website, the company is given a suspension status for having “... not complied with Oklahoma tax requirements.” Uh oh. 

Extremely dopey Plainsfield University astronomy professor Jim McFarland (Al Baker), who speaks all of his long-winded dialogue in bits and pieces with long pauses in between as if he's trying to remember his lines, and his secretary / assistant Ann Bennett (Katherine Hutson) take six students out into a field to look at the stars. While they're gazing, a red, glowing, meteor-like object passes overhead. Said meteor is actually a spaceship with vicious alien creatures aboard. One of them comes out of the ship and uses its three-clawed hand to mash in the face of a drunk bum after he reads a newspaper story on cattle mutilations in the area. The next day in class, the professor tries to link the possibility of alien life to the bible (“Even the prophet Ezekiel had his encounter with the Wheel of Light!”) and suggests to his students they “... contemplate on the existence of life... elsewhere in the vastness of space... remembering that there's always room for more concepts... in this area of speculation.”

Jim, who plans on dedicating the rest of his life to proving aliens exist, and Ann take six lucky students; Jerry (Richard Taylor), Libby (Shelly Creel), Roger (Matthew Hixenbaugh), Fran (Jackie Shook), Eugene (William Jerrick) and Connie (Pamela Michaels), to a small farming community outside of the city called Berry Hill to investigate “strange aerial sightings.” The entire town has been on edge because of burnt-out patches on the ground as well as frequent instances of cattle being “...slaughtered, mutilated... and... HALF EATEN?!” On their way to the town, our heroes get out of their van long enough to bear witness to the death throes of a skinned Claymation cow. From there, they're chased down the road by a toy spaceship until they arrive at a diner. Stopping in for a bite to eat (one of the girls passes on a burger considering what she's just seen), they get additional information from unfriendly diner owner Buck (Bill Buckner) and redneck farmer Charley (Harvey Shell), whose two dogs were among the many animal victims.

The professor is pointed in the direction of a man named Oliver Matson (John Bliss), who claims to have had frequent encounters with aliens since the 1950s. The gang go to his house and find that he's a mean, old, scar-faced, religious-fanatic hermit who lives by himself in a shack and goes on and on about being terrorized by the aliens, how no one believed him and how his nephew got him institutionalized for a spell because of it. He then takes a break from his ramblings to espouse the virtues of Mormonism and praises Joseph Smith! The alien spaceship then puts us out of our misery by crashing into the house and killing him and one of the girls. Multiple stop-motion aliens then begin attacking and killing off everyone else while a smoke machine rolls and blue, red, purple and pink lights flash. The survivors make it down into some tunnels beneath the home, where we get more of the same. I guess the highlights would include a neck squeezed by a rubber alien hand and an alien arm thrust through a woman's chest.

I admire what the people behind this one were trying to do on a tiny budget, just not the end product so much. The extremely colorful comic book approach to the lighting was a plus and there are lots of charmingly cheap special effects sprinkled throughout. Much stop motion is used in this one and it's incorporated into the live action with about the same amount of finesse as WINTERBEAST (1991). Meaning, with not much finesse at all. Still, the various effects are certainly fun to watch and these people get an A for effort for all of their home grown visuals. Fans of low-budget 80s creature feature films like The Deadly Spawn (1983) may want to give this a look regardless of what I'm about to say below...

The fatal flaw here is really with the horrendous acting and incredibly mundane dialogue (well, I'll give “Eat my biscuits, you bloodsucker!” a pass). At first I was perplexed trying to figure out just what they were shooting for. Were these people simply the worst actors they could find or were they intentionally being coached to speak all of their dialogue in a stilted, lifeless, brain-damaged, Shatner-esque constant-pause manner? The answer is probably both: Already bad actors attempting to do what already comes naturally; act poorly! It's amusing for all of five minutes but becomes tiresome very quickly. This film would have worked a lot better with sincere performances. They could still be awful for all I care, as long as they're actually trying to act.

I've seen a few defend this by claiming those who write negative reviews just don't “get it.” Now let me give my rebuttal. Just because a film has intentionally bad acting does not make it a good film. Just because a film has intentionally humdrum dialogue does not make it a good film. Just because someone has it in their mind that by making a “50s-style” sci-fi film it must contain terrible acting and awful dialogue in a “tribute” to the entire decade, does not make it a good film. Just because someone is striving to make an intentionally stupid or bad or goofy or campy movie, does not make it a good film. And just because a film has all or some of the above does not make it a cult classic. Some films are just too obvious for their own good and a piece of calculated, intentional schlock is never as endearing or fulfilling as the genuine article.

IMDb currently lists this as being released in 1986 though the copyright date is 1987 in the end credits so that's what I'm going with. It runs just 67 minutes and, despite many claims to the contrary, was shot on film, not video.

★1/2

China Lake (1983)

Directed by:
Robert Harmon

After working as a cinematographer on the documentary The Jupiter Menace (1982) and the strange and pretty good The Black Room (1982) and doing photo stills for Charles Band movies like Adult Fairy Tales (1978) and TOURIST TRAP (1979), Harmon made his directorial debut with this 35-minute, self-financed, 3000-dollar-budgeted short that he also wrote, produced and photographed. Filmed in 1981 over a 11 day period with the entire cast and crew working for free, China Lake was in post production for two long years before being shown theatrically. After being well-received at the Chicago International Film Festival, it then became a handy promotional tool for the director and helped him land an agent and other film jobs. Soon after, he secured the director's seat for the 6 million-budgeted studio film THE HITCHER (1986), which ended up under-performing at the box office but would eventually pick itself up a following of sorts. Both this and The Hitcher, as well as Harmon's later Highwayman (2004), share many things in common. All three involve a psycho targeting victims along desolate, picturesque stretches of quiet road. Producer / co-writer Beth Tate later co-produced a feature-length “sequel” (more like a remake actually) to this short called The China Lake Murders, which starred Tom Skerritt and Michael Parks and debuted on the USA Network in 1990.

L.A. motorcycle cop Donnelly (Charles Napier) has just earned himself a much-needed vacation, so how does he spend it? Catching up on his sleep? Going to the beach to work on his tan? Vegging out in front of the TV with a stack of horror DVDs? Nope, nope and nope. He's up bright and early as soon as the sun rises and back out patrolling the streets. This guy is dedicated. He's also unhinged. On a stretch of nearly-deserted desert road, Donnelly gets his kicks terrorizing anyone unfortunate enough to be driving through. His first victim is Helene (Gilmer McCormick), who's sober but subjected to a humiliating sobriety test anyway. After walking a straight line drawn in the sand, closing her eyes and touching her nose with her fingers and lifting one leg, she finds herself handcuffed and stuck in the trunk of her car. “Don't worry about it,” the officer soothingly tells her, “Somebody will be around shortly...I'm sure.” Donnelly swings by a closed gas station long enough to change back into civilian clothes and steal some gas after shooting the lock off the pump.

The next day, he swings in to a diner; the same diner he goes to the same time every year on his way up to visit China Lake. Waitress Kitty (Lindsey Fields) points out that China Lake is a dump but Donnelly explains its appeal to him: “I can go up there. I can be alone. Do what the hell I want to do. Nobody bothers me.” And “Do what the hell I want to do” is exactly what he does. This trip is a way for him to blow off some steam from work by violently venting out his frustrations on others. A pair of loud, dirty cement workers, which he nicknames Little Germ (William Sanderson) and Big Guy (Mickey Jones) in his voice-over, manage to piss him off by their mere appearance. He fantasizes about torturing one by burning his hand and tongue on a grill and, later, lucks out when one of the men gets a flat tire and he stumbles upon him.

Character actor Napier does typically fine work in the lead role (especially in the diner scene where he subtly alternates charm and menace), the desert scenery is great to look at it (and nicely shot) and there's some imaginative camerawork, with fast-moving POVs zooming down the highway and looking over the handlebars, with many shots attached to the side of a moving motorcycle. Fans of The Hitcher will also find this of interest and have fun spotting all of the similarities between the two. That said, the thrills and suspense are pretty much nonexistent and the concept of a "trust-worthy" rogue killer cop wasn't anything new by 1983 standards (about as "shocking" as a killer priest thanks to the dozen or so Italian gialli of the 70s that used that as a "twist"). Harmon went on to make the shitty box office flop They (2002), but did better on the small screen, receiving Emmy and Director's Guild nominations for his TV biopic Gotti (1996).

As with many short features from the 80s before DVD extras came into play, China Lake sat out for the entire VHS era. It went mostly unseen until the German company Kinowelt Home Entertainment included it as an extra on their 2 disc Special Edition release of The Hitcher in 2003. The short even comes with a text introduction and director's commentary track. This same release was distributed by Momentum Pictures out of the UK and Studio Canal out of France.

★★1/2

As Sete Vampiras (1986)

... aka: Little Shop of Terrors
... aka: Seitsemän vampyyriä (Seven Vampires)
... aka: Seven Vampires, The

Directed by:
Ivan Cardoso

A large shipping crate containing a purple, poisonous, Audrey-style carnivorous plant that doesn't talk but must be fed raw meat every three hours arrives in Rio de Janeiro from Africa. Botanist Frederico Rossi (Ariel Coelho) has it shipped to his greenhouse / lab, where his paranoid dancer / choreographer wife Silvia (Nicole Puzzi) takes an instant dislike to it and begins to worry about what it may do to her husband. Just in case something were to happen, Fred whips up an antidote for the plant's poison. Unfortunately, he doesn't even have a chance to try it out as the plant, which has numerous snake-like appendages with separate mouths, minds and appetites of their own, eats him. When he doesn't answer the phone, Silvia rushes to the greenhouse only to find what's left of her husband; ripped up clothes in the plant's mouth and an eyeball. One of the tentacles then chews up her arm and she flees. Because of the traumatic incident, Silvia withdraws from her dance classes, stops talking to her Marilyn Monroe-like best friend Clarice (Susana Matos) and becomes a bitter hermit who stays holed up in her country home. She's also been infected by the plant bite, which makes her age rapidly, but takes the last antidote and all appears to be well after. Well, maybe...

Two months later, a series of blood-draining murders being committed by a vampire-killer are being investigated by the local police force. Elsewhere, Silvia is visited by Rogério (John Herbert), a businessman friend of her late husband's, who shows up with a proposition. Since gambling's been banned, his night club is failing and about to close its doors for good. Silvia agrees to put together a show to help draw in a crowd. She auditions and hires some entertainers and a septet of beautiful young women to perform in something she calls “The Transylvanian Follies.” Opening with magician Fu Manchu (Wilson Grey), who does an amusing disappearing / pickpocket act, we're then on a graveyard set where a grieving man who's lost his love Nayara goes to a cemetery where a Satyr statue comes to life and leaves behind his flute. The man plays the flute and then we're treated to “The Dance of the Seven Vampires;” where seven topless ladies in capes and g-strings flash their fangs before Nayara sinks her fangs into the guy's neck. The show is a huge hit and revitalizes the club.

Rogério is in love with the beautiful main dancer, Ivete (Simone Carvalho), who's a gold-digger and refuses to reciprocate his love unless he signs over everything to her, which will leave Silvia out on her ass. As Ivete takes a long and thorough shower before the two, uh, consummate their contract, a masked maniac sneaks in and slashes Rogério's throat. The same masked maniac later shows up at a cemetery trying to kill Ivete, but she escapes and goes straight to comic book-obsessed private detective Raimundo Marlou (Nuno Leal Maia), who agrees to shadow her at all times for 100 dollars a day. Raimundo shows up at the club snooping around, but there's another murder and he can't be seen around there too much or else he'll blow his cover, so his secretary / love interest Maria (Andrea Beltrão) goes undercover there as a hat check girl. Hated by the flustered police chief (Bene Nunes) and pretty much everyone else he works with, dimwit Inspector Pacheco (Colé Santana) also wants to prove himself by cracking the case.

There are a lot of other characters who make up a huge roster of possible suspects. There's slutty old maid Rina (Zezé Macedo), who tries to coerce every man she encounters to screw her or else she'll cast a voodoo spell on them. Then there's creepy, bald, woman-hating doorman Silas (Felipe Falcao) who's frequently shown lurking around and shares some kind of mysterious meat with his cat. And Baron Von Dyck (Ivon Cury), a rich celebrity schmoozer who helps social climber wannabe actress Eliza Machado (Lucélia Santos) get a gig as one of the vampire dancer girls. And voyeuristic young stage hand Pedro (Pedro Cardoso), who has the hots for Eliza and spies on her through a peephole looking into her dressing room. And sleazy girlie photographer Luiz (Carlo Mossy), who attempts to blackmail the killer once he discovers his / her identity. You get the idea.

Director Cardosa clearly loves, and knows a lot about the history of, cinema. Maybe too much for his own good in this case. Seven Vampires doesn't so much have style as it does everyone else's style stuck in a blender and mixed to a bloody pulp. There are constant nods to 20s – 50s genre films, from expressionistic shadows to film noir / detective stories to old dark house mysteries to adventure serials, as well as a generous blood flow more in tune with 80s slasher flicks and loads of (sometimes full) female nudity that would be more at home in 70s Euro soft porn. There are bits of Raymond Chandler, Little Shop of Horrors, The Phantom of the Opera and Elizabeth Bathory in the plot and too-numerous-to-mention film and pop culture references. Alfred Hitchcock (in a clip from his Alfred Hitchcock Presents TV series) even makes an appearance re-dubbed to talk about how thrilling this movie is and, in another scene, the leading lady drives in the rain, hears voices in her head and Bernard Herrmann's theme music from Psycho is heard.

Going right along with the variance of influences, this doesn't completely commit itself entirely to any particular time, though it usually appears to be set sometime in the 1950s. Clothing styles change frequently, characters are seen driving around in vintage automobiles and there's a 50s-style singing group led by Bob Rider (Leo Jaime) and His Rhythm Sensation who perform an entire musical number. The 1957 Top 40 hit “Little Darlin” by The Diamonds (also heard in HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT II) is one of several “borrowed” songs on the soundtrack. Other elements of the film appear modern. Well, modern for the 80s. The film is all over the place as a result and a bit much to take in. Some scenes play out seriously, but there are also constant comedic moments that don't help matters because most of them aren't particularly funny (or clever).

In Brazil, this was a big hit in theaters, was nominated for numerous film awards and even spawned a comic book. The first Brazilian home video release was on the Phoenix Home Video label. It then somehow found its way into Japanese video stores of all places (courtesy of Sony Exc!t!ng) under the new title Little Shop of Terrors. Here in America, there was a later English-subtitled VHS release from Something Weird Video, but that's it as of this writing. In January 2014, Camp Motion Pictures (known primarily for releasing no budget 80s SOV horrors) announced they were going to release all of Cardoso's genre films (including this one) on DVD for the first time here in America. Not surprisingly, here it is now over two years later and that has yet to happen.

Other films in Cardosa's horrorography include the 27-minute Super 8 short Nosferatu in Brasil (1970), the 26-minute Coffin Joe documentary The Universe of Mojica Marins (1978), The Secret of the Mummy (1982), THE SCARLET SCORPION (1990), O Sarcófago Macabro (2005), The Werewolf of the Amazon (2005) starring Paul Naschy and A Marca do Terrir (2005; a compilation of Cardosa's early shorts).

★★