Gary Dean Orona
Seeing how my reviews of hardcore porno horrors seem to bring in the most traffic round these parts, I decided to keep all you pervs happy by viewing this X-rated FRIDAY THE 13TH spoof. Could THE TEXAS VIBRATOR MASSACRE be too far in my future? We shall see! So there's good news and bad news with this one. The bad news is that they really could have squeezed in more sex scenes. Five drawn-out scenes in a 104 minute porno isn't quite setting the bar for one of these things. In contrast, CAMP CUDDLY PINES POWER TOOL MASSACRE (2005), another porn slasher parody, gives one more bang for their buck with 10 sex scenes over the course of 2 1/2 hours. In addition, a little more variety probably would have helped on the sex. This will have one too many trashy, tattooed, pierced and/or silicone-enhanced blondes for some tastes, and perhaps one too many doofy-looking guys for other's tastes. The good news is that it's a hell of a lot more fun to watch than that wretched Friday remake from a few years back. It doesn't look horrible, the cast seems to be having fun (and, let's face it, bad as they are, they aren't much worse than the ones used in the 2009 version of Friday) and there a few dumb laughs in between all the boning.
On her way to Crystal Lake Nudist Camp to take her position as resident masseuse, hitchhiker Susie (Sara Sloane) pops in at a local watering hole to learn about the Jason legend from the bartender (veteran porno actress Tabitha Stevens, who also produced). Many years ago, Jason drowned because his penis was so large it sank to the bottom of the lake like a boat anchor. He's still rumored to be out there lurking around... only this Jason doesn't need a machete to make mince meat of the campers. He's already equipped with a giant "fermented penis" that squirts "flesh-eating jizz" on his victims. Undeterred by the story, Susie shows up at the camp to meet Kyle (Kris Slater), who's just inherited the nudist colony from a dead relative, the bug phobic Ricardo (Rocco Reed) and his girlfriend Asia (Japanese-America Asa Akira, who wins the award for best-looking babe in my book for her all-natural body). Everyone splits off to do their thing and we all know what "thing" I'm talking about.
There are four sex scenes at the camp; three boy-girl and one girl-girl-boy for the obligatory lesbian action, followed by the participants getting killed after each scene. And by getting killed I mean usually having someone from off screen squirting lotion on them while they try to fein horror. Or, judging by several of the reactions, just keep from laughing. The fifth sex scene is a flashback telling what happened to Jason before he died. Basically, he attended a sex party where he confessed to a woman that his penis grew to monstrous size after sex, had sex with the girl anyway, freaked her out and then ran to the lake and drowned. There are several nods to the original Friday in here. Actually, moreso here than in the remake! There's a brief appearance from Crazy Ralph and nods to the Kevin Bacon arrow-through-the-neck death, the strip monopoly game, etc.
Director Orona cut his teeth on the R-rated DTV market back in the 90s, with such films T&A comedies as BIKINI CARWASH COMPANY II (1993) and THE GREAT BIKINI OFF-ROAD ADVENTURE (1994), before branching out into hardcore. In the past few years he's made porno spoofs of PSYCHO (1960), HALLOWEEN (1978), THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991), BASIC INSTINCT (1992) and others.