Ratings Key

= Excellent. The best the genre has to offer.
1/2 = Very Good. Perhaps not "perfect," but undoubtedly a must-see.
★★★ = Good. Accomplishes what it sets out to do and does it well.
★★1/2 = Fair. Clearly flawed and nothing spectacular, but competently made. OK entertainment.
★★ = Mediocre. Either highly uneven or by-the-numbers and uninspired.
1/2 = Bad. Very little to recommend.
= Very Bad. An absolute chore to sit through.
NO STARS! = Abysmal. Unwatchable dreck that isn't even bad-movie amusing.
SBIG = So Bad It's Good. Technically awful movies with massive entertainment value.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sex and the Single Vampire (1970)

Directed by:
"Modunk Phreezer"

Possibly the very first vampire porno film, this awful X-rated "comedy" has been released in both uncut hardcore and heavily cut softcore versions. The latter is reduced down to as little as 27 minutes, but the full version runs just 55 minutes. Something Weird released both versions. 300-year-old bloodsucker Count Spatula (John Holmes) awakens from his coffin complaining about his rheumatism. If that's not getting you in the mood for some lovin', keep in mind that Holmes - not a very attractive man to begin with - has his hair streaked grey, is wearing blue eye shadow, bright red lipstick and pink press on nails (!) in this one. He sets out some rat traps to catch the large rodents infesting his home and then goes to clean all of the empty blood bottles out his refrigerator. He's in need of some fresh blood and, whadda ya know, three couples and an additional woman all show up at the home. Supposedly one guy has just inherited the place from his Hungarian uncle, who's rumored to have been a vampire. After a few lame jokes ("scared stiff," anyone?) some of the couples decide to go upstairs to check out the bedrooms. One couple stays behind so they can "... get out of it and into it."

Just what you think goes on upstairs in the bedrooms. Holmes' vampire watches everyone from behind curtains, makes goofy faces, bites his nails, makes asides directly to the camera, accidentally steps on the mouse traps he has set up and gets electrocuted while messing around with the fuse box. One girl lets another know what a "magnificent set" she has before the obligatory lesbian scene and a guy who can't get it up blames his girlfriend, who complains "it's like trying to force a marshmellow into a piggy bank!" Another guy finds a cold cola in the kitchen and becomes suspicious, but is strangled, bit and tied up before he can do much else. After a group number, everyone realizes their friend is missing out on the "groovy action" and the two other guys go looking for him. They're both knocked unconscious and tied up by the Count, who then has four women to keep him busy. So busy he forgets to drink their blood. And so busy he's up until the morning. Oops. Thank you writer "Wolfgang Klutzman" for helping me reach my quota of double entendre "suck" jokes until about 2020.

No one seems to know who director "Modunk Phreezer" is, and it's doubtful we ever will. The cast includes prolific sex film star Sandy Dempsey (SEX PSYCHO), Kathy Hilton (no, not Paris Hilton's mother) and John Dullaghan, who went on to a career in theater productions, TV and in R-rated films after this, such as GARDEN OF THE DEAD (1972) and THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972). Other vampire movies with hardcore sex include Ray Dennis Steckler's awful THE HORNY VAMPIRE (1971) and THE MAD LOVE LIFE OF A HOT VAMPIRE (1971), COUNT EROTICO - VAMPIRE (1975), DRACULA SUCKS (1978), DRACULA EXOTICA (1981) and the all-male GAYRACULA (1983).

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