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Saturday, July 18, 2015

Dwelling, The (1993)

Directed by:
Jeffrey Lynn Ward

Aspiring journalist Andy Walker (Donny Valenti) loads up his beat-up old car and travels from the tiny desert town of Spencerville to L.A. The plan is to move into a new place, get a job and then start college but things don't as planned for the naive farm boy. When he arrives at the rooming house he's made arrangements to live in wearing a red-stained shirt (“I had a little accident with my mom's cherry pie.”), he's informed by the owner that his room has been reassigned. He then scrambles to find another and sees an ad for a suspiciously cheap one bedroom apartment for just 375 a month. Andy goes there and meets the owner, Mr. Crasmere, who's a complete asshole. Now let me stop here for just a second to say, “Holy miscasting, Batman!” Mr. Crasmere is played by Burt Ward who, of course, will forever be best known as Robin from the 60s cult TV series Batman. Seeing the short, pudgy, boyish-voiced Ward (who was never much of an actor to begin with) trying to portray a tough, beer-swilling jerk in a wife-beater and screaming half of his dialogue is just a little too much to handle. Considering the director's last name is also Ward I can only venture a guess and assume he is in some way related to the former Boy Wonder. So anyway, Crasmere tells Andy to hit the road and come back the next day, forcing him to spend the night in his car where he ends up in the middle of a gang fight.





We next meet hot-bodied blonde Donna ("Rachel Deane" / Bikini Carwash Company's Sara Suzanne Brown), who climbs out of bed, stretches, sniffs a rose and goes over to her mirror to look at a “Guest Pass” for a new Hollywood hot spot, all the while buck naked. She then crimps her hair, puts on a pink spandex outfit and goes to a punk bar called Ram's Head where she's chloroformed, kidnapped and taken back to some red-lit Satanic den. There, she's stripped and goes through an initiation that involves blood being painted on her breasts with a chicken's foot (!) The next day, Andy goes back to the apartment, fills out an application and gets a room. Mr. Crasmere lays down the ground rules and makes special mention that his other tenants need the utmost privacy. In other words, he recommends Andy just mind his own business. While moving in, he meets his friendly next-door neighbor, waitress / aspiring actress Pam (Michelle Bauer), who greets him in a thong bikini because she's on her way to a beach party movie set. Andy finds himself immediately attracted to Pam but she's already is in a rocky relationship with a macho jerk named David (Bruce Carson). Andy instead begins listening to their conversations and arguments (plus them having sex) through the walls.





After putting down way more money than he originally planned on his new place, books, school, etc., Andy finds himself nearly broke. He can't afford the deposit on a new phone and his wallet is stolen, so he doesn't even have a driver's license to get a new job, nor can he afford to go get a new one. To make matters worse, something strange is going on in the supposedly vacant apartment right above his. A cat is found mutilated outside and Andy hears footsteps and chanting into the wee hours that keep waking him up. Mr. Crasmere insists nothing is going on and no one has lived in the apartment for 9 months. After Andy punches out David over a misunderstanding, Crasmere decides to evict both him and Pam and gives them a few days to vacate. Feeling defeated, like a fish out of water in the big city and out of options, Andy decides to pack it up and head back home. But curiosity ends up getting the better of him and he unwisely decides to check out the upstairs apartment first...





It goes without saying that there's a Satanic cult at work in the "empty" rental unit and they keep busy hypnotizing new recruits and offering up blood sacrifices, with their ultimate goal being to open the gateway to hell so Satan can come to Earth. Ward not only manages the apartment block but is also the leader with an upside-down cross painted on his forehead. Andy gets there just in time to hide in the closet and watch Pam (who they've just kidnapped) go through the initiation ceremony. However, they have special plans in store for her. She has her throat cut and then is possessed by the “Princess of Darkness” to be Satan's new bride. From then on, a pale-faced Bauer gets to run around in demon contacts, fangs and lingerie causing all kinds of mischief and spouting ridiculous one-liners in a deep male voice.





This is pretty typical ultra-low-budget product of its time, but appears to have been shot on film and not video like some sources state. The sets definitely have a porn film sparseness to them and I wouldn't be one bit surprised to learn the filmmakers just rented out a few hotel rooms for a week to film most of this in. At least a bit of care was put into some of the lighting and art direction. The upstairs apartment where the Satanists conduct their ceremonies is lit up red, blue and purple and decked out with candles, skulls, pentagrams and all of the other expected things. There's also apparently a fog machine working in overdrive. They do a little bit better dressing up another Satanic den for the big finale, which looks like it was filmed in some large warehouse. There's some mild gore (like a guy ripping his face off), a few visual effects and T&A provided by four different women, including future soft-core actress Landon Hall.






The acting is pretty bad from everyone except for Bauer, who gets to play a nice girl in the first half before demonstrating why she was one of the best 80s/90s Scream Queens in the second. Obviously having a blast playing a deliciously evil demon-possessed character, Michelle gets to bite off a guy's dick during a nightmare sequence, bash a head against a wall, beat someone up with a tennis racket, blow up a car, set a few cultists on fire simply because she's bored and even channel Jack Torrance in a busting-through-the-bathroom-door scene obviously paying homage to The Shining. Bauer, of course, has a few nude scenes here, but she also has a lot of screen time and dialogue and this is one of her better roles even if the movie itself isn't so hot.






Perhaps the least typical thing going on here is the amount of attempted characterization. This spends almost a full hour focusing on Andy as he tries to adjust to the culture shock of big city life before he even gets involved in all of the Satanic stuff. In genre films, directors are often so intent on keeping things busy they have no option but to force us to suspend our disbelief to absurd levels to accept brainless behavior as characters needlessly endure one horrific thing after another. This one actually deals with its horror content a bit more plausibly by making a few odd things happen here and there but not things so horrific they should have the protagonist packing their bags or running to the cops long before they actually do. That said, this approach will no doubt bore some viewers. This also suffers from tonal problems; playing it seriously for a good hour before resorting to camp and cheap laughs toward the end, plus throws in a dumb, unnecessary subplot involving the kidnapped blonde, who's hypnotized and then hits Hollywood Boulevard with a switchblade, trying to force her tricks to “give obedience to the dark lord... or die!”






First conceived way back in 1989, this wasn't ready for release until 1993. By that point in time, video stores were already packed to capacity and there was little demand for low-budget shelf-filler titles such as this so it had to wait until 1996 for a very-limited video release. That happened through Dead Alive Productions, a company probably best known for releasing the Faces of Death knock-off series Traces of Death. Along with a bunch of forgettable no-budget SOV crap, Dead Alive also distributed a few more interesting titles like the notorious Men Behind the Sun (1988), Peter Jackson's perverted puppet satire Meet the Feebles (1989) and the surprisingly decent biopic The Secret Life: Jeffrey Dahmer (1993).


Since this has never been on DVD and only the 1996 video exists, I had no choice but to watch the old VHS version, which had an extremely soft and often blurry picture. The original poster lists Dave Campbell and the director as being two of the male stars but neither is listed anywhere on the cast list. At some point in the early 90s, director Ward also started shooting something called Black Reign starring Bauer, but it was never finished. In 2007 he announced that Bauer filmed brand new scenes to complete the film so it could be released. That has yet to happen.

★★

Friday, July 17, 2015

Night Train to Terror (1985)

... aka: Night Train
... aka: Noche en el tren del terror (Night on the Terror Train)
... aka: Train express pour l'enfer (Express Train to Hell)

Directed by:
John Carr
Phillip Marshak
Tom McGowan
Jay Schlossberg-Cohen
Gregg C. Tallas

Here's a horror anthology fans of terrible / weird movies won't want to miss. It's a sloppy, carelessly slapped together and often downright inept trilogy of tales comprised of footage from one unreleased / unfinished (at the time) sleaze-gore flick, two edited-down feature length releases and unbelievable new linking scenes directed by Schlossberg-Cohen. Because much is obviously lost reducing the full features down to a shadow of their former selves, narration is employed to try to make sense of it all. An utterly ridiculous - though somewhat amusing - framing sequence features God (according to the credits playing "Himself" but actually Ferdinand "Ferdy" Mayne of The Fearless Vampire Killers fame) and Satan (who is credited as "Lu Sifer" but is actually character actor / former magician Tony Giorgio, who's a long way from The Godfather) going back-and-forth on a train, viewing "cases" on a large TV screen and then trying to stake claim on the souls of its participants. And that's not even the really weird part! That would be the opening hilariously awful music video-style choreographed intro featuring dancers in spandex, headbands and ripped sweatsuits and an unbelievably stupid and mean-spirited theme song about how we're complete losers for wasting our time watching this. After all, "Everybody's got somethin' to do... everybody but you!" Yeah, yeah. Tell me about it.






First up is "The Case of Harry Billings." Harry (John Phillip Law) is a "hard-working salesman" and a drunk who kills his new bride on their wedding night after running his car over a bridge. He wakes up at a sinister sanitarium strapped down to a bed in a padded room. Before long, Dr. Fargo (Sharon Ratcliff) and Dr. Brewer (Arthur M. Braham) are giving him shock treatments and shooting him up with a “hypnotic injection” to make him do their bidding. They then send him into town to drug and kidnap a succession of young, attractive women who are brought back to the clinic, stripped naked, tied down and then chopped up with a meat cleaver or hacksaw so their body parts can be sold to “medical schools all around the world.” Dr. Fargo falls for Harry and gives Dr. Brewer a lobotomy to get him out of the way, with hopes of running the establishment with her new lover instead. "Charles" / Richard Moll (with hair) has an early role as sadistic manservant Otto, who makes sure to add a little rape and torture to the pre dismemberment ritual and keeps a collection of pickled several heads in jars labeled with the owners' names!






Directed by Carr way back in 1982 under the title Scream Your Head Off, this was never finished or released at the time, so what's shown in Train was the first look anyone ever got of this footage. Based on what's seen here, this looks like something I'd rather enjoy. The plot seems fun (cut from this reduced version is a subplot about a white slavery ring where the better-looking females are sold to Middle Eastern sheiks!) and it's filled with nudity, gore and sleaze gore. There's a bloody decapitation and hacked-up body parts are hung on hooks in a white, blood-spattered meat locker. In the 90s, many were surprised when the “full” version of Scream was finally released on VHS by Simitar. I've not see that cut, but supposedly it was just cobbled together using footage from the first incomplete shoot. Carr also had nothing to do with that release and prepped his own version of the film with new scenes shot on video. He brought Law back to reprise his role, added a subplot involving Marilyn Monroe (!), removed most of the questionable content and then released it as the PG-13 rated MARILYN ALIVE AND BEHIND BARS.






Before our next story begins, we're treated to some more of that ridiculous song / dance routine plus some soul bargaining. Verdict? A one-way ticket to hell for both of the doctors and Otto, but Harry gets a little leniency with 100 years in purgatory. “The Case of Gretta Connors” (also by Carr) is an abridged version of THE DEATH WISH CLUB (1984), which I just viewed here a few days ago so I can tell you exactly what was added and what was taken away. In this cut, the narrator makes Gretta (Meridith Haze) out to be an innocent small town aspiring musician (a far cry from the full movie!) who's corrupted by wealthy, older "Svengali" George Youngmeyer (J. Martin Sellers) but then leaves him for college student Glenn (Rick Barnes). “Burning with revenge,” George decides to get back at the two young lovers by introducing them to a “Death Club” where rich sadists get their thrills putting themselves into life-threatening situations. This drops a lot of what made the original film so interesting and special and instead concentrates almost entirely on the club (just a subplot in the full feature) in scenes that involve a killer bug, electric chairs and a construction ball.






Newly-added scenes / shots include: 1. A girl seen only from behind (who's supposed to be Gretta) looking at a magazine. 2. A shot of a fog-enshrouded model castle to represent the Death Club. 3. Close shots of the “Tanzanian winged beetle” in a jar. 4. Numerous shots of the beetle, brought to life with very crude stop-motion animation, replacing all of the shots of the plastic one. 5. A brand new scene of the beetle flying around outside and attacking a couple about to have sex. It stings the guy in the face and causes his head to explode, which spews blood all over his screaming girlfriend. 6. The control panel used to activate the electric chairs has been replaced by a talking robotic one. 7. An awful-looking dummy head representing the African Prince shakes, vibrates and smokes while he's electrocuted with a few additional shots of his melted hand and smoking corpse afterward. Also, a new country music song has been added and the Italian character has been ridiculously re-dubbed.






Back on the train, Satan claims he wants Gretta's soul but God says he'll have to settle for George and the other death club members instead. The argument gets heated, God threatens to open the gates of hell (?!) and then we go visit the passengers and hear the three most horrifying words in this film: “From the top!” Yes, it's that song again. This time we also get slow-motion break-dancing and some “worm” action from Byron Yordan, who's been lip-synching the main theme this entire time. Byron is the son of the film's writer, Philip Yordan, which explains why he's getting so much screen time. That also explains why Yordan's fourth and final wife, Faith Yordan aka Faith Clift, has the lead role in the final story despite the fact this woman cannot act to save her life.





The train porter then introduces story #3; “The Case of Claire Hansen,” a reduced version of 1980's Cataclysm aka The Nightmare Never Ends aka Satan's Supper, directed by Marshak, McGowan and Tallas. Claire (Clift), a highly-respected surgeon, devout Catholic and wife of Nobel Prize winning writer James (Moll again, this time wearing an oily, gray-streaked hairpiece) is having nightmares about demon faces and a young SS Officer (Robert Bristol) gunning down an all-female Jewish string quartet (!) Meanwhile, elderly Nazi hunter Abraham Weiss (Marc Lawrence) sees the same Nazi general who killed his family (and the same guy from Claire's dreams) on TV... only he hasn't aged a day in thirty-five years. Abraham is unable to convince a cynical police lieutenant (Cameron Mitchell) about any of this, so he grabs a gun and decides to pay the former Nazi, who's actually the "devil's emissary" and goes by the name Mr. Olivier, a visit. After he's killed, his corpse ends up at the hospital where Claire works and she notices he not only has a concentration camp tattoo but also a “666” burned into his stomach. All of this strangeness coincides with James' controversial new book “God Is Dead,” which he thinks will be the most important work of his career, while his wife (later revealed to be “the chosen one” to battle Satan) and others in the know plead with him not to publish it.






I won't really go into too much detail about this one as I still have to eventually write a full review for it on here, but I will say this segment doesn't make a lick of sense. The fact they used nearly twice as much footage from Cataclysm as they did for the other two shorts and the first two still make more sense should clue us in to just how kooky Cataclysm is in its uncut form. Just like with the “Greta Connors” segment, new effects shots have been sprinkled throughout to try to spruce things up. One of these is a simple, passable rubber witch face with fangs and glowing eyes, which is included in several scenes. Another bit involves a tall, skinny, silver-colored stop-motion monster with red, glowing eyes. It's hysterically funny and random, especially as it squashes a shaggy-haired brunette actor who suddenly becomes a claymation doll with short blonde hair during his death. Other newly-added stop motion bits involve a giant spider crawling out of the Earth and pulling a guy down into a hole and a demon that makes a doll-man fall onto a cross and burn up. Now I'm a huge fan of stop-motion, so I liked these new additions despite how poorly-executed and improperly integrated into the story they were.






After “Claire” concludes, we're back on the train. Satan can't have Claire's soul, but God leaves it up to her to decide if she wants to deal with James or not for all eternity. The train, which is usually shown roaring down the tracks courtesy of obvious stock footage, is scheduled to crash and kill all of the musicians and dancers on board (praise Jesus!), which leads up to a hilarious final shot of the train ascending into heaven! And then we hear it (that damn song) yet again over the end credits. What is that now? Four times? Five times? I've lost count. While all of this is undoubtedly horribly edited, acted and written, incompetent, corny as hell and pretty much just plain terrible from start to finish, there's so much going on at all times and such an overload of 80s cheese that I pretty much loved every second of it.






Unlike the three films this pilfered most of its footage from, Train amazingly did play in theaters and was given a release by Yordan's short-lived company Visto International Inc. in 1985. That was followed by a 1986 VHS release from Prism, a horrible EP mode tape from Simitar in the later 90s, numerous cheap public domain DVDs (Alpha, Mill Creek, etc.) and, finally, a remastered DVD / Blu-ray combo from Vinegar Syndrome, who've thrown in the feature-length Death Wish Club (which they've re-titled Gretta) as a bonus feature. IMDb incorrectly lists Shiver as an alternate title but it's actually the fourth (!) American VHS release title for Cataclysm. Oh well. Dance with me, dance with me! Come on and dance with me, dance with me! Damn it! Get out of my head!

SBIG
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