V/H/S (2012)

Directed by:
Matt Bettinelli-Olpin
David Bruckner
Tyler Gillett
Justin Martinez
Glenn McQuaid
Radio Silence
Joe Swanberg
Chad Villella
Ti West
Adam Wingard

I finally got around to watching V/H/S and right now I'm sitting here amazed, absolutely amazed... at how something so bloody awful managed to not only get a ton of buzz behind it, but also semi-decent reviews from a number of critics. Of course, most online genre-specific websites - the established ones in particular - simply cannot be trusted for an unbiased viewpoint. That's just how it is. I know what goes down behind the scenes at these places first hand because I used to write for one of them. In doing so, I got so frustrated dealing with these people and their attempts at censorship to appease their "buddies" that one day I simply said "Screw it," quit and have written about movies sans pay ever since to ensure my voice wouldn't be censored, my opinion wouldn't be silenced and my words wouldn't be altered behind my back. Many of the people who run these sites don't have an ounce of integrity and have no problem leading people astray for their own personal gain. They'll kiss the asses of directors, producers, writers and actors, chum up with them and then go on to proclaim that whatever junk they throw out there is "Like the most bad azz scariest movie like everrrr!" For doing so, they get blurbs, recognition, freebies, small roles in films, chances to work in other capacities on films, special invites to premieres and parties and other such perks simply by showing their "loyalty." That's precisely what makes blogging such an invaluable process. Now everyone has their say, including those who have nothing to gain or lose, no one to piss off or please and no networking to do, from simply telling it like it is. So am I implying that the makers of V/H/S and the people who run these sites are in cahoots? Perhaps, but I'll get to all that here in a bit.

So I'll just lay it out there like I see it - V/H/S lacks everything that goes into a good horror film. Because it's a "found footage," shot-on-video effort, production values, camerawork, continuity, editing, lighting and other technical aspects are rendered nearly irrelevant. In other words, the movie is supposed to look cheap, bad and amateurish. Great, so they accomplished that much. What "found footage" movies don't necessarily have to be is horribly acted, horribly written, unscary, predictable and completely unoriginal. None of the five stories contained herein stands out as being even remotely good. There's nothing at all memorable or novel in here. At times, a few of the stories seem to have potential but they're botched by laughably bad acting, poor direction, clumsy, foul-mouthed, seemingly improvised dialogue and the sheer annoyance of the camera wobbling, shaking and blurring out images. As if the camerawork itself isn't irritating enough already, at some stage in the editing process even more fake picture rolls, fuzzy screens, tape damage and other effects have been added. And did I mention this thing runs nearly two hours? Yes, indeed it does. And over half that time consists of the camera focusing in on exciting things like walls, ceilings and the ground.

V/H/S has six different stories to tell, each from a first person camera perspective. The first story, directed by Adam Wingard and used as the framing device for the other five shorts, consists of a small group of guys who get paid to videotape various criminal activities. They're employed by some porn website to accost women and lift up their shirts and have high aspirations to move on to accosting women and lifting up their skirts instead. They're also paid to demolish homes and property. Their newest job is to go to some old man's home to retrieve a VHS tape. They're not informed what tape or what is on the tape or anything of the sort. Just retrieve the tape. When they arrive, they find the old guy dead in front of five or six TV sets and VHS tapes everywhere. Some of the guys decide to play some of them to see what's on them. And thus our stories begin.

The first tale (David Bruckner's "Amateur Night") is probably the best of the bunch, though that's not saying much. Two obnoxious frat jocks I couldn't wait to see die and their nerdy friend decide to spice up a night out by luring girls back from a bar to their hotel. There, they plan on videotaping themselves having sex using a camera hidden inside some eye glasses. They manage to get two girls to come back with them, but there's something seriously wrong with one of them; all she can do is mumble and hiss incoherently and whisper the words "I like you" over and over again. The guys don't seem to mind. That is, until she shows her true colors as some kind of demon / succubus / cannibal who quickly slaughters everyone. The build-up to this story is almost unbearably irritating, with awful dialogue and annoying, screaming, foul-mouthed characters. The horror scenes are reasonably well done, there's gore and nudity and Hannah Fierman somehow manages to make an impression as the monster, but it's all downhill from here, folks...

Ti West's "Second Honeymoon" is a horribly-acted, padded, drab, boring vacation video of a dull couple running into trouble while passing through some Western town. They stop at a hotel, where a mysterious woman knocks on the door, asks for a ride and then promptly disappears. Later that night, the same girl sneaks inside with a switchblade, steals money and dips a toothbrush into the toilet. There's a lame twist at the very end of this utterly useless segment. Next up is Glenn McQuaid's "Tuesday the 17th," a horribly acted backwoods slasher with one novel idea: the killer is some kind of invisible being who shows up as glitches on videotape. While the general idea is a pretty good one, the execution is dire. Both of these stories are filled with inane dialogue, awful amateur acting so bad it completely pulls you right out of the story and are buffered with utterly pointless footage that doesn't add substance, character or mood to the piece.

Tale # 4 is Joe Swanberg's "The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger." Emily (Helen Rogers) has been keeping in touch with her out-of-town boyfriend James (Daniel Kaufman) via Skype and confesses to him she believes her new apartment may be haunted. Several attempts at jump scares in this one are completely botched and the only "twist" is that it's not a ghost but some other kind of supernatural being (an alien). That hardly constitutes originality. Finally, "10/31/98" (which has no less than five credited directors) follows four men on Halloween night in 1998. Going to a party, the guys accidentally enter the wrong home and find the place abandoned. Eventually, they come across what appears to be a ritual sacrifice taking place in the attic and decide to rescue the victim. This segment has more CGI visual effects than the others (levitating dishes, hands popping out of walls, etc.) and the twist at the end is extremely predictable. All five times are completely unscary, poorly filmed and are severely underdeveloped, bordering on incoherent.

As much as I hate naming names and singling people out, I now feel the need to just let the cat out of the bag. The buzz for this film originated on Bloody Disgusting; one of the most popular, most quoted and most visited genre sites around. The site has been singing V/H/S's praises all along and when one traces back all of the hype to its infancy, they will be led right on over to BD. You may see the name Brad Miska in the credits several times. He not only produced this film but also came up with the concept for it. Miska also happens to be - surprise! - the head honcho over at Blood Disgusting. As much as I want to smack his hand with a ruler right now (I had no clue he was even involved until I saw the credits), I also have to give the guy some credit for business savvy. Miska seems to possess true marketing skills. He knows that hype and buzz are half the battle. Saying your own movie is something special and passing it off from an 'unbiased' viewpoint from a popular website that it's something special and some people are going to convince themselves it is something special. After all, to be able to convince anyone that two hours of people (I refuse to refer to them as "actors") running around shaking a camera screaming "fuck!" over and over again constitutes a good horror film, truly does take some skill.

It also takes some skill to get your low-budget film out there to the masses. These guys managed to get this to Sundance and even got reviews from critics like Roger Ebert. [Ebert has it in his "Your Movie Sucks" section but, hey, at least he saw it!] So it's clear the people behind this know how to effectively market, promote and sell a horror movie. Great! Now all they need to learn how to do is make a decent one.

★

Krai Thong (1980)

... aka: ไกรทอง

... aka: Kraithong
... aka: Legend of the Crocodile, The

Directed by:
Neramit
Sompote Saengduenchai

This extremely hokey but fun Thai horror / fantasy / comedy / tragic romance (!) was based on a Thai folk tale popular enough in its home country to prompt not only this film and a sequel (1985's Krai Thong 2) but also as 2003 remake directed by Suthat Intaranupakorn. Here in the U.S.? Well, not many have seen it. There's currently no IMDb listing for this title and very little information about it online, so I'm happy to finally be providing some. Things begin with hilarious scenes of a giant crocodile going around a village feasting on various people. It eats a little naked kid who jumps directly into its mouth (!), knocks an old lady into the water and then eats another young boy before disappearing into the depths of the sea. When it resurfaces it's in an underground cave and it transforms into a man. He - Shalawan (Sombat Methanee) - is the arrogant, hundred-year-old "King of the Crocodile," who likes to occasionally head up to "human town" to get a bite to eat. Shalawan believes that human flesh makes him stronger, but he's really just killing people cause he's bored and justifies it by saying that humans hunt and kill crocodiles, so why can't he hunt and kill humans?

Shalawan shares his cave dwelling with his two wives; Vimala (Aranya Namwong) and Luemlaiwan (Duangcheewan Komolsen), as well as his wise old gray-haired grandfather. Gramps is some kind of mystic and warns his grandson that he needs to stop going up to the surface to terrorize humans. He has a premonition that if Shalawan doesn't cool it, he'll be killed. Shalawan doesn't heed his warnings and continues his wicked ways. Annoyed by his bickering wives, who constantly fight for his affections and get into a slow-motion cat fight where they punch each other in the face, he decides to try his luck with a human woman. Thankfully, the pretty Tapao-Thong (Supansa Nuengpirom) hasn't let the recent crocodile slayings keep her out of the water. Shalawan kidnaps her, takes her to his lair, shoots her with a laser from his finger and then hypnotizes her into being wife #3.

Tapao-Thong's rich father, who seems to get his jollies kicking his chubby son around, makes an offer to any man in the village. Get his daughter back and you not only get her as a wife, but he'll also throw in his other daughter Tapao-Kaew (Ampha Phusit) at no additional charge. In comes Krai-Thong ("Sorapongse Chatri" / Sorapong Chatree). Krai, whose father was killed by a crocodile, now has a vendetta again all crocs. He goes to study the art of prayer, meditation, magic and hunting from "crocodile wizard" Acharu Kong (Chamnong Bamphensab) so he's ready to do battle with Shalawan. Because he has "diamond fangs," only a special "Magic Pike" (spear) can destroy the evil Crocodile King once and for all.

Strangely, the battle between good and evil isn't saved for the big finale and happens about twenty-minutes before then. This then tries to go the ill-fated romance route. Krai-Thong isn't really that interested in the wives he's "won." He's actually fallen in love with Vimala, whom he laid eyes on for just a few seconds earlier. Krai parts the sea like Moses (!), goes down to the cave and casts a spell allowing Vimala to walk among humans, with plans on making her his third wife. His other two don't take too kindly to that, get jealous and try to arrange for some men to gang rape her (!) Moral of the story? Well, I guess humans and crocodiles just weren't meant to be together.

This one tries to have it many ways all at once. There's romance, lots of goofy comedy and lots of gator attack scenes, blood, gore and cheesy fantasy special effects. The gator rips off a head and bites off legs and Shalawan has a nightmare where his face is on fire and he gets decapitated. The same exact large model gator, which is actually a very good design, was previously seen in co-director Sompote Sands' CROCODILE (1979), which - unlike this one - actually did receive a release here in America.

Unlike the sequel, there's a print of this floating around that does have hard English subtitles (which are tough to read and frequently cropped out of frame). No one seems to know just when this was made or released. The production year is usually listed as being 1985, but I've seen it listed places as 1980 as well.

★★1/2

Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women (1968)

... aka: Gill Women, The

... aka: Gill Women of Venus, The

Directed by:
"Derek Thomas" (Peter Bogdanovich)

Pavel Klushantsev (uncredited)

After a narrated explanation of our space program, this hops right into some more narration from a man living in the year 2000 reminiscing about a woman he'd met and lost several years ago. We now head back to 1998 just as the first manned spaceship to Venus has set off on a 26 million mile trip. Tragedy had befallen a previous attempt when a meteor hit it and caused an explosion, killing everyone on board. This follow-up attempt in a rocket has just two passengers; astronaut Howard Sherman ("Ralph Phillips" / Yuriy Sarantsev) and ship captain Alfred Kerns ("James David" / Georgiy Teykh). They're able to get away with such a small crew because Kerns' invention, "Robot John," does much of the work. Listening intently from home base are Commander Billy Lockhart ("Roberto Martelli" / Vladimir Yemelyanov) and astronauts Hans Walters ("Murray Gerard" / Georgi Zhzhyonov) and Andre Furneaux ("Aldo Romani" / Gennadi Vernov); whose job it is to help out the other mission if things go haywire again. And, of course, they do go haywire. Listening to the sounds of the other ship crashing landing over their radio, the rescue mission is underway.

On their way there, Furneaux (the narrator) wonders "... if maybe there wasn't some reason Venus had been named after the Goddess of Love." Foreshadowing! The men finally land, get an adequate oxygen content reading (uh huh) and set out looking for the other ship. They hear strange, siren-like calls, have an encounter with a man-eating tentacled plant and get in their hovering "space car" to do some sight-seeing, where they spot a dinosaur. Meanwhile, Sherman, Kerns and Robot John are out and about looking for shelter. They encounter vicious upright-walking lizard people and eventually find some caves hidden behind a waterfall where they can hide out until they're rescued. The other astronauts encounter various other creatures like a Pterodactyl, an octopus and a dinosaur.

Meanwhile, near an ocean live a handful of fabled, mermaid-like "prehistoric women." These ladies are fair-haired, hot and decked out in clamshell bras and hip-hugging spandex pants with flared bottoms. They lounge around on the rocks catching some sun, feast on raw fish, spy on the landed astronauts, worship the Pterodactyl God "Ptera" and have a memorial service for one of their fallen reptilian friends after one of the astronauts shoots it with a laser. The queen, Moana (Mamie Van Doren), plots revenge on the astronauts for shooting one of their birds, so the ladies pray to the "God of the Fire Mountain" and cause a volcanic eruption. Can the five astronauts escape?

So here's the scoop on this hodgepodge of a production. Producer Roger Corman (credited as "Norman D. Wells" here) had acquired the rights to Pavel Klushantsev's Russian sci-fi adventure PLANETA BUR (or, "Planet of Storms"). Instead of releasing it as is, Corman had the film English-dubbed and re-edited, and let director Curtis Harrington film brand new scenes featuring Basil Rathbone (who was filming Harrington's QUEEN OF BLOOD at the same time) and Faith Domergue to add to it. The resulting film was released in 1965 as VOYAGE TO THE PREHISTORIC PLANET. Just a few years later, Corman allowed another director, a young Peter Bogdanovich (billed as "Derek Thomas" and probably also the credited writer, "Henry Ney") to tinker around with the footage again to create a second all-"new" feature, which is this one.

All of the space footage and scenes with the astronauts (i.e. all of the good stuff) is from Planeta Bur. In addition, a few effects were swiped from the BATTLE BEYOND THE SUN; another Russian sci-fi film made in 1959 that Corman purchased the rights to. The scenes with the nine "prehistoric women" are Bogdanovich's. He also added new narration to the film to weave his footage in with the old footage. Any time I watch a film that's been tinkered around with and been re-released as something else, I never weigh the original footage into my score; just how well the new footage complements or enhances the old footage. In this case, that's not very well. Not to say this isn't enjoyable to watch. It is. There's a lot of fun to be had here, but almost all of that comes from the original Russian film, which I am now hyped to see based on what I've seen here.

Just one year after working on this, Bogdanovich hit it big with the excellent and still timely TARGETS (1968). Not long after that he'd become the critics new It Boy with such Oscar-winning films as The Last Picture Show (1971) and Paper Moon (1973).

★1/2