Island of Blood (1982)

... aka: Scared Alive
... aka: Whodunit
... aka: Whodunit?

Directed by:
William T. Naud

There's a lot of interest in a certain small, uninhabited and valuable island where a historic old school sits. It is currently owned by a wealthy old widow. At the end of the summer, she plans on donating it to her church for a tax break but until then she's renting it out. A film crew decides to bite. A few days before the entire crew is to arrive to begin shooting, pretentious director / writer Franklin Phlem (Ron Gardner) and sleazy producer Steve Faith (Terence Goodman) decide to have some of the inexperienced cast out for a few days rehearsal. Instead of the expected low-budget horror flick, the director wants to make an uplifting, positive rock musical about a band putting on a charity show to raise money for a school's music program. After all, he's sick of all the slasher-gore junk of the early 80s and wants to remind audiences that "not everyone is an exploiter or a sex maniac or a murderer." Much of the budget was put up by the completely untalented Betty Jean (Bari Suber), or BJ for short, who's just inherited a million bucks from her deceased sugar daddy and has secured the lead role simply because she's chipping in part of the money.

Amongst the group are trained dancer Donna (Marie-Alise Recasner), injured actress Lyn (Jeanine Marie), who hobbles around on crutches, womanizing "hunk" Rick (Richard Helm), who manages to get several of the ladies into the sack, and the geeky John (Jim Piper), who likes to lurk in the basement wearing a mask and scaring people with a cardboard machete. There are also three members of a rock band who got the gig because one of them - Phil (Steven Tash) - is "sponging off the no talent broad." The other two are Taylor (Gary Phillips), a stoned junkie who keeps going on about the end of the world and the bomb, and Jim (Rick Dean), a jittery, depressed drunk who'd had a nervous breakdown earlier. And since every slasher flick needs a creepy, grouchy old guy, this one gives up cook and island caretaker Bert ("Red" / Jared McVay), who's always lurking around clutching a butcher knife and hates the younger generation because they're "food-picky drug freaks." The characters are all pretty miserable and unlikable and the movie refuses to really give us a hero or heroine worth rooting on or caring about. I suppose it's one thing to have no clue who's going to survive the night but it's probably an even worse thing not even caring who does.

Phil heads out to the pool to go for a swim and discovers it's full of boiling water. Someone sneaks up on him, pushes him in and he's boiled alive. The incident is blamed on a broken thermostat. Uh huh. There's no phone on the island to contact the authorities, nobody demands to leave and Franklin just writes him out of the script, noting "we'll save a bundle of money!" For dinner, Bert serves everyone boiled lobster to bring to mind their fallen friend. Later that evening, Taylor gets a spear through his neck. The killer carries around a walkman that plays a rock song describes each of the murders. The song is called "Face to Face" and the lyrics keep changing: "Boil Me, Boil Me, Boil Me, Face to Face," "Spear Me, Spear Me, Spear Me, Face to Face," etc. No one really seems to pay Taylor's disappearance much mind. The caretaker and the producer finally decide to head back to the mainland to report the one death but the boat (their only way off the island) blows up and kills both of them.

Donna has had it with the "fish-faced honky director man" and starts packing her bags but she unwisely decides to clean up first and gets melted when someone pumps battery acid into the shower. This is enough to finally convince who's left that there is a killer amongst them. Everyone starts questioning everyone else. People start fighting. The power generator goes out. People act like complete dumb asses, refuse to stay together and start wandering off by themselves to get killed. Despite there being a psycho on the loose, one couple decide to have sex, which ends prematurely when he's stabbed up through the bed with a machete. Hands are sliced off, there's a chainsaw to the crotch and (off-screen) death by nail gun but unfortunately the lighting is so horribly dark you can barely make any of this out. We basically get people wandering around in the dark holding candles, seeing the killer and screaming as a murder weapon is raised and then some blur of their dead body falls into frame. It's downright boring. My mind just started to wander off. I began peeling the sticker off my lighter and rubbing off the sticky residue.. and then started reading my Mt. Dew label... and then I learned that the Mt. Dew I was drinking had brominated vegetable oil in it.... and then I wondered how brominated vegetable oil differed from regular vegetable oil... and why my spell check marked brominated as a nonexistent word. When I glanced back up at the screen, some guy was talking about making snuff movies and a chick shot him. The end.

A pretty dreadful and understandably forgotten slasher flick, this is slow as hell, dull as hell, completely unoriginal, poorly and amateurishly written, acted and directed. The Make-Up Effects Lab (who also created many of the "real" gore scenes in the Faces of Death movies) did some of the fx, but most are too difficult to see because of the poor lighting. Rick Dean is really the only notable name in the cast. Mr. Dean wouldn't make another movie until almost ten years after this one but then reemerged in the 90s playing essentially the same role he plays in this one: a creepy weirdo. Jimmy Williams, best known by me as the guy Michelle Bauer sawed to pieces in HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS (1987), shows up at the very end as a police officer. The actress playing Lyn, who is billed as "Jeanine Marie" looked awfully familiar, too, but I couldn't quite place her.

It was filmed in 1982 under the title Whodunit and was also released as Scared Alive. It about bored me dead. A VHS was released by the short-lived Applause Video but there's no legitimate DVD release. No big loss.

★

WitchTrap (1989)

... aka: Presence, The

Directed by:
Kevin S. Tenney

Some people out there claim this was made with serious intentions and just failed horribly. Others claim that Mr. Tenney wrote it as an intentional camp spoof of his biggest hit, 1986's WITCHBOARD; i.e. it's supposed to be bad. After watching it several times, I actually can't figure out what the original intentions were but I guess that doesn't matter so much. This movie is freakin' hilarious! Things are centered around "Lauter House," a Gothic mansion affectionately known as "Slaughter House" in the area because of a series of mysterious deaths that have occurred there over the past few years. As our film opens, there's about to be yet another one as Las Vegas magician The Amazing Azimov takes a dive into some concrete from a second story window. Cue Cherry Kool-Aid pumping. Devin Lauter (played by the director) owns the big, secluded SoCal mansion, which rests on some prime real estate near some vineyards and a graveyard, and plans on converting it over to a bed and breakfast. The home and property value would be around 5 to 6 million dollars except for one little problem: the sadistic ghost of Devin's late uncle Avery (J.P. Luebsen, the creepy guy from Witchboard) keeps killing off everyone who enters. Avery was a famous psychic and illusionist, a Satanist, a warlock and was also rumored to be a serial killer known as "The Vineyard Slasher." Two years earlier he was found dead in the home with his heart missing.

Devin hires atheist paranormal researcher Dr. Agnes Goldberg (Judy Tatum) to put together a team of psychics and ghost hunters to photograph and exorcise the Lauter House ghost. She brings along her goofy "mental medium" husband Felix (Rob Zapple), reluctant, deeply religious "psychic medium" Whitney O'Shay (Kathleen Bailey) and sexy video technician Ginger Kowowski (Linnea Quigley) to do the job. Forced upon them for protection in case things get out of hand are three rent-a-cops; the greedy head honcho at Q-T Security, Lt. Frank Murphy (Jack W. Thompson), and two of his finest operatives; wisecracking atheist Tony Vicente (James W. Quinn), who'd been kicked off the L.A. police force for his smart mouth, and "walking hard-on with feet" Levi Jackson (Clyde Talley II). Naturally things don't quite go as expected for the seven once they get in the home. For starters, there's a fat peeping tom groundskeeper named Elwin (Hal Havins) lurking around. And then there's Whitney, who's not fully in control of her own abilities so Avery's ghost is able to inhabit her body and use it as a way to strike out at the others using his supernatural powers.

In between the kills there are conflicts between Agnes, who believe ghosts are nothing more than electromagnetic energy, and Whitney, who believes ghosts are the souls of people who has lived and died. And conflicts between Tony, who thinks all of the ghost / haunting stuff is bs, and all of the psychics. And conflicts between Agnes and Tony, who are not religious, and Whitney, who is and thinks everyone who isn't is doomed. And between Tony, who's sick of being treated like crap, and his opportunistic boss. And Elwin and pretty much everyone. Avery needs to complete "the immortality ritual," which involves combining his ashes (it was a stipulation of his will that he be cremated and placed in the home) with his heart (which is located behind a pentagram in the basement), to return to life. First up for slaughter is poor Ginger, who - during the film's most memorable murder sequence - gets stabbed through the neck by a shower head. Linnea adds both spirit and nudity to this picture like she usually does and killing her off near the beginning probably wasn't the wisest decision in the world.

An animated bullet blows a guy's brains out, someone's head gets run over with a car, there's death by axe, an exploding van, an exploding head, a whole sequences that's an optical illusion, a human meltdown, a possession and a "ghost vacuum" (I suppose the "witchtrap" of the title) that sucks up spirits. And there are tons - and I mean tons - of one-liners, usually spouted by Tony. Some of them are pretty amusing, but when they're not, boy are they bad! The sole black character has lines like "Never say spade to a brother." and threatens "I'll tap dance on your face like Bojangles Robinson!" Because of what a huge smart ass Tony is, Agnes asks his boss "Why do you put up with him? Is he married to your sister or do you merely have a soft spot for ill-mannered Troglodytes?" And then there's the all-time classic "I always knew you were a scumbag, but I never knew how scummy a bag you could be." Adding big laughs are some of the worst and most hilariously monotone amateur performances I've ever seen. Most of the cast is pretty awful, aside from Quinn (who shows some promise even though his character is extremely annoying) and Quigley. Quinn also had a small role in Witchboard and provided Angela's demon voice in NIGHT OF THE DEMONS (1988) and its two sequels.

I've always enjoyed the hell out of this movie and consider it a guilty pleasure of mine, but I certainly can't sit here and say that it's good. I also can't really recommend this to most people. Only a specific type of viewer is going to appreciate the strange joys this movie offers. The premise isn't particularly original (borrowing much from the classics THE HAUNTING and THE LEGEND OF HELL HOUSE), but it is actually competent even if much of the acting and dialogue are not. That - combined with lots of laughs, some cheap gore fx and a dash of nudity - helps to keep this movie reasonably enjoyable.

Originally released on VHS by Magnum. All advertising materials, including posters and the video box had a disclaimer warning potential viewers that it is not a sequel to Witchboard. I'm not sure if they were threatened with a lawsuit or were just scared they would be. After spending years in limbo, this was finally given a DVD and Blu-ray release from Vinegar Syndrome in 2017.

SBIG

Satanic Yuppies (1996)

... aka: Evil Ambitions

Directed by:
Mark Burchett
Michael D. Fox

Thing begin with a Satanic cult sacrifice of a topless victim being headed over by Gideon Jessup (David Levy) and Brittany Drake (Amber Newman). He's interrupted on his cell phone and must specify Maine lobster for dinner, while she reminds the Dark Lord they'd like a "continuation of the wealth, status and material comforts" they so deserve. These cats may be murderous Satanists, but first and foremost they're rich, pretentious yuppies who have no qualms killing underlings to ensure their own power and success. Gideon is a republican city councilman with high aspirations. He's currently running for governor and one day would love to become a U.S. President. Brittany owns a lucrative modeling agency called Inferno Media. Bright-eyed, nubile, 21-year-old blonde Julie Swanson (the gorgeous Lucy Frashure) has just dropped out of college and moved to the big city to try to make it as an actress and model. She shows up at Inferno without so much as a portfolio and gets a consultation with Ms. Drake. After establishing that she has no friends (she's only been in town for a week) or family (her parents died in a car crash) in the area, and has never had a boyfriend (meaning there's a high probability she's still a virgin), Brittany decides Julie is just "perfect" for Inferno. And by perfect, she means she's one hell of a candidate to become Satan's Bride.

Meanwhile, Times Tribune reporter Peter McGavin (Paul Morris), who narrates the film, is investigating serial murders in the area. Naked female victims missing their hearts are being dumped off near the Ohio River. He's able to get some information from Detective Leslie Kellogg (Renee Raos), but not as much as he'd like. Peter's boss Miles Bishop (S. William Hinzman) wants him to stop worrying about the murders and threatens to fire him if he doesn't go do a story on Gideon. Peter goes to Jessup's office and is unable to track him down for an interview so he follows him over to Inferno Media. There, he meets Brittany, who's also Jessup's PR and media consultant, and becomes putty in the charming, husky-voiced fox's hands. She invites him to her home for a poolside lunch the following day to conduct the interview. In the meantime, one of the models is stalked back to her apartment, is kidnapped by a burly, long-haired, bearded guy named Lester (Rob Calvert) and brought back to the cultists as a sacrifice.

After body #3 turns up, Peter instantly recognizes the victim as a model he bumped into while at Inferno Media. He points Detective Kellogg in that direction and then goes to an eccentric mystic named Madame Natalie Goldfarb (Debbie Rochon) for help. She's kind enough to take a break from ghost writing Mae West's posthumous autobiography "Come Up and See Me Sometime After You're Dead" to look up some information for him. As it turns out, the murders fit the description of something called The Offering Ritual or The Bride of the Beast; an ancient, seldom-invoked rite used to curry favor from the devil. The ritual requires five different human sacrifices; the first four being "bridesmaids" whose hearts must be cut out and placed in an urn. The fifth woman - the "bride" - must be a virgin whose pure blood is to be mixed in with the hearts. After an incantation, Satan will show up to retrieve his bride and grant one wish requested by the offerers. Natalie holds a seance and determines Peter is up against a very evil and very powerful force, so she gives him a charm that is supposed to channel good energy.

Because Leslie and Peter have been snooping around, the cultists conduct a special ceremony to stop them. They're successful at getting Leslie, sending a blue BLOB-like ooze into her tub while she's bathing. The succubus they send after Peter kidnaps him and bring him back to the cult. Brittany wants to possess him because they need a reporter in their pocket and she wants him to be the one to carry through on the final sacrifice. Thankfully, Natalie telepathically helps him snap out of it in time for the big ceremony. All of the cult members gather around for the ceremony, where there will be a topless sacrifice, a little fighting, a bottle broken over a head, a literal backstabbing of an important character, some bad early computer fx a special appearance by Satan himself. However, this Satan isn't just a scary guy in horns, he's a scary guy in horns with a personality, a (gasp!) sense of fairness and a (double gasp!) sense of ethics! Not quite what one might expect, but in the best of ways.

Satanic Yuppies was pretty much robbed of any kind of following when it was released on VHS under the new generic title Evil Ambitions in 1996. However, now that this has popped up on DVD and on Netflix Instant Watch, it at least has a belated chance. This is an extremely low-budget, shot-on-video movie but it gets two chief components right that most films in its budget range do not. First and foremost, it has a fairly well-written screenplay with actual characters, a sense of humor, some amusing digs at greedy conservative politics and an adequate enough plotline. Second, some of the actors rise to the occasion. Frashure shows some promise in her only known role, Rochon is quite fun in her supporting part and Randy Rupp makes for a very amusing Satan. The real star here though is Amber Newman. She's terrific as the charismatic, powerful and playfully evil businesswoman / high priestess who possesses hypnotic abilities and makes it clear in her own polite and sophisticated way that she runs the show. When her politician accomplice starts getting greedy, she lets him know he's pretty much expendable in the grand scheme of things ("It's not like there's a shortage of politicians willing to sell their soul for power.") Unfortunately, Miss Newman ended up in late night cable erotic thrillers, which seldom made use of her skills as an actress.

It's not all good news. The goofy leading man, always clad in a Cincy Reds hat and with a cigar hanging out of his mouth, is pretty much a double-edged sword; not so much because of the actor but because of how the character is written. Sometimes he's amusing, sometimes he's annoying and his wisecracks don't always stick. The character seems to have been influenced by Jay Richardson's Jack Chandler from the cult classic HOLLYWOOD CHAINSAW HOOKERS (1987), who was himself a parody of noir detectives, mixed with some Carl Kolchak. Either way, the reporters narration track comes and goes, and doesn't always even seem necessary. There are some problems with the sound here and there, and the photography is wildly uneven, ranging from competent to grainy. Often times, it's too bright or too dark. However, for the video format, you will see far, far worse elsewhere. What few bits of action there are aren't always choreographed convincingly. The evil ambition often overextends the anemic budget, but the good will is obviously here and it's very watchable and often fun.

Insert shots of large-breasted Glori-Anne Gilbert dancing with a python and by a fire were added at a later junction to up the nudity factor. Overall, there's plenty of skin here and several extremely attractive actresses. The DVD comes with a 30-minute documentary on the production called SATANIC YUPPIES: A LOOK BACK. It contains interviews with both writer / directors (who also made 1995's VAMPS and its 2002 sequel), Jeff Barklage (director of photography), Newman, Morris, Levy, Rochon, Calvert and Gilbert.

★★1/2