Der Ruf der blonden Göttin (1977)

... aka: Call of the Blonde Goddess
... aka: La déesse nue (The Naked Goddess)
... aka: Las diosas del porno (The Porn Goddesses)
... aka: Le cri d'amour de la déesse blonde (Love Cry of the Blonde Goddess)
... aka: Porno Shock
... aka: Voodoo Passion

Directed by:
Jesus Franco

During a pointless opening scene, a British narrator denies ties between voodoo and Satanism while we get to see a partially-clothed Haitian dance on a beach accompanied by a flute player and bongo drums. And so begins another Franco sexploiter for Swiss producer Erwin C. Dietrich. This was one of many soft-core films of the 70s set on a Caribbean island featuring voodoo as a flimsy plot device to link together a bunch of sex / nude scenes. One of the first of this type was Osvaldo Civirani's VOODOO SEXY (1975), while the most famous of these are probably the ones made by Joe D'Amato in the Dominican Republic, like Papaya: Love Goddess of the Cannibals (1978) and Sex and Black Magic (1980). As was the case with most of these, the sex was filmed soft but the full frontal nudity was so explicit and rampant the films were never released in the U.S. during the whole 80s / 90s VHS era. And the few that were released often had hardcore insert shots spliced in later simply so they could be sold off as XXX porn.

Voodoo Passion (originally called "Call of the Blonde Goddess") starts with a middle aged woman named Susan Haus (Ada Tauler) arriving in Haiti to meet up with her husband Jack (Jack Taylor), a British consul living there that she hasn't seen in quite some time and doesn't even know very well. Susan's picked up at the harbor by a bizarre-acting Inès ("Vicky Adams" / Nanda Van Bergen), who works as a secretary at her husband's home. She then meets the even stranger Olga (French hardcore actress Karine Gambier), an extremely nosy platinum blonde nymphomaniac who claims to be Jack's sister and won't stop inquiring about their sex life. Olga lounges around in the nude and has lots of creepy things to say about her relationship with her sibling like "He likes me to come sleep with him. I'm his baby doll. I always cuddle up to him for protection but I promise nothing happens between us." Yeah, well that's reassuring.

Worst. Voodoo. Doll. Ever.

Not long after arriving, Susan begins to suspect she's the victim of a voodoo curse. She has numerous long nightmares where she joins in on voodoo rituals, watches a rhythm-deficient tribe do some really awful nude dancing, has chicken blood dribbled all over her body, sees her husband screwing his sister, goes to her husband's colleague to seduce and then murder him and then joins another couple in bed, killing them as well. The star of many of these dreams is the housekeeper, who stashes a voodoo doll in the house and leads all the dances, but is she also the one causing Susan's horrific hallucinations and hypnotizing her to kill? While all that's going on, the slutty Olga pleasures herself with a wine bottle while listening to her brother and Susan and keeps trying to seduce her sister-in-law ("There's only one thing I don't know... have you ever had sex with a woman?")

Jess Franco here. I've often been asked, "Why is your smut considered art by a small legion of fans, while nearly everyone else's smut is just smut?" At first I said "Go ask Jean Rollin!" but then I decided to put together this helpful guide for all you budding smut peddl.. er... artistes out there.

First, find a nice, classy house, particularly in Europe. Castles also work if you can find one!

Always remember: Pointless sideways shots are more artistic than straight-on shots.

As are upside down shots!

Though I don't recall why this woman is actually wearing clothing here, 'mirror shots' are an economical and arty way to capture la mujer desnuda from numerous angles in just one shot.

Strategically-placed plants come in handy when you need to hide an extremely ugly bare male ass.

Gratuitous eyeball close-ups during nearly every scene show you really mean business...

And last but certainly not least, the hallmark of 'true art'™: subtle imagery!

I watched this back-to-back with Franco's Satanic Sisters (1977) and, truth be told, enjoyed that one a lot more because it had a better plot, some amusing dialogue and a sense of humor to go along with the nearly non-stop nude scenes. This one on the other hand takes itself completely seriously and just comes off as dull in the process. The paper thin plot is uninteresting, slow-moving and barely enough to even string together all of the sex scenes and both the direction, with constant closeups of eyeballs and an almost clinical and detached eye for shooting female anatomy, and editing are pretty terrible. Despite the setting and lots of generic stock footage of some Caribbean island, this was actually filmed in Zurich so it doesn't get any extra points for travelogue footage either. A ridiculous unexpected twist is thrown out at the very end but even that's not enough to pump any life into this snoozer.

The only real positives are what the women bring to the table and thankfully, there are several very attractive actresses in this one cavorting around in the nude nearly the entire time. Gambier is a delight even in something like this, and Van Bergen, who has very piercing hazel eyes to go along with her great body, are both worth a look... just make sure you have the fast-forward button handy for the rest.

★1/2

Tempi duri per i vampiri (1959)

... aka: Agárrame ese vampiro (Grab Me That Vampire)

... aka: Dracula Is My Uncle

... aka: Hard Times for Dracula

... aka: Hard Times for Vampires

... aka: Les temps sont durs pour les vampires

... aka: My Uncle, the Vampire

... aka: Uncle Was a Vampire

Directed by:

Steno

After inheriting a huge seaside castle, Osvaldo Lambertenghi (Renato Rascel) decides to sell his ancestral estate to the Atlas Corporation, who want to turn it into a resort hotel. He gets 80 million lira out of the deal, which doesn't do much for him since he has to immediately hand the entire check over to the treasury to pay off a family debt. To be kind, the castle's new owners decide to keep him on there as a bellboy after they renovate and open the hotel. That same luxury may not be afforded to the sweet gardener Lilena (Antje Geerk), whose family has tended to the castle grounds for over a century, and she may now lose her job. Osvaldo receives a letter from his estranged uncle, Baron Roderico da Frankurten (Christopher Lee), who's currently living in Carpathian mountain region of Germany and says he'll be stopping in at midnight for an extended visit. Since the letter refers to him as his "heir," Osvaldo assumes some good luck (and money) may finally be coming his way. Instead, he just gets a heavy, coffin-shaped box with his bloodsucking relative inside. And Uncle isn't too happy about the current state of the family home; particularly that the crypt he was so looking forward to resting in has been converted into a bar.

Other guests fill in to the hotel for the weekend. We get two glamour models; redhead Kay ("Kay Ficher" / Kai Fischer) and platinum blonde Susan (Susanne Loret, star of the following year's ATOM AGE VAMPIRE) and their dates Paolo (Angelo Zanolli) and Nino (Franco Giacobini), who are both hoping to get lucky. And then there's teenager Carla (26-year-old Sylva Koscina), whose disapproving parents Luigi (Federico Collino) and Letizia (Lia Zoppelli) have drug here there to keep her away from her boyfriend Victor (uncredited Rik Van Nutten). Victor, who's a musician with hit records like "Okie Dokie Calypso," shows up at the hotel anyway and the two lovebirds plot to run away together. There's also some old military dude named "The Commander" (Carl Wery) and, rather conveniently, Dr. Hans Strickler (Franco Scandurra), a German professor whose plans for a relaxing weekend are continually interrupted when he's forced to translate an old German book on vampires the Baron has brought along with him.

Because his nephew keeps getting in his way, hangs garlic all over the place, draws crucifixes on the walls and attempts to stake him while he's sleeping, Roderico turns him into a vampire simply so he'll leave him alone. Osvaldo then spends his entire first night as a bloodsucker sneaking through windows and biting every single attractive woman in the place. The next day, wives and girlfriends are all in daze and want nothing to do with their significant others. Instead, they desire Osvaldo and want him to keep on biting them. The finale features the scorned males running around the hotel with stakes and hammers on a vampire hunt and Osvaldo - who's actually in love with nice girl Lilena, of course - having to save the object of his affections from Roderico. But let's be real here: the real hero is a rooster named Giovanino.

This extremely silly screwball comedy - which had seven (!) credited writers - is a difficult one to evaluate. There are a few genuinely funny moments in here, many more jokes that misfire and, because the English-language dubbing is so wretched, sometimes it's hard to tell what's funnier because of the awful dubbing and what gags would have worked better in the original-language version. The VHS print I viewed was presented in annoying pan-and-scan and the poor print quality made the already-muted Technicolor look even murkier. The laughs rely heavily on slapstick and sight gags, with lots of 'old dark house' trappings like trap doors and secret passageways, and the 6'5" pale-faced Lee towering over the entire cast, particularly the 5'2" lead. Rascel mugs and goofs his way through his bumbling idiot role (whoever dubbed him is a really awful actor), while Lee (also dubbed even in the English version) plays the vampire completely seriously yet is actually the funniest person in the movie.

Steno (born Stefano Vanzina) directed and / or wrote over 100 films from 1939 until 1988 and is best known for his work in the comedy genre. His one other horror-comedy was the Edwige Fenech vehicle Dr. Jekyll Likes Them Hot (1979). I think I actually spent more time cross-referencing and researching the cast trying to figure out who played who than I did actually watching the film. On numerous sites (including IMDb), most of the characters aren't listed, and some of the wrong actors are assigned the wrong parts. I think I finally got it all worked out, but I wish I could say the same thing for the crew. Again, the credits on the film don't match up with the credits on IMDb. The name Steno is nowhere to be found on the credits of the film I watched (though he uses his real name as one of the writers) and it's Pio Angeletti (listed as production manager on IMDb) who is credited director on the actual film. Future director Emilio P. Miraglia - who later made The Night Evelyn Came Out of the Grave (1971) and The Red Queen Kills Seven Times (1972) is credited as the assistant film editor on the movie but as script supervisor on IMDb. Rascel was one of the writers, plus gets credits for the music and "songs" (though there is only one song in the movie and none listed on IMDb). I'm not sure what is what there.

Sinister Cinema initially distributed this one on VHS and there have been several DVD releases in recent years. The one from PR Studios, which pairs it up with Horror Express (1972) and was released in 2011, presents a black-and-white version of the movie. The one from GI Studios, titled Dracula Is My Uncle and released in 2013, is in color.

★★1/2