Critters (1986)

Directed by:
Stephen Herek

In the wake of the huge financial success of GREMLINS (1984) came the obligatory spate of films copying the 'cute-but-evil mini-monster' format. Critters is just one of many of these and is perhaps the most imaginative and entertaining of the bunch, with the irresistible fx creations of the Chiodo Brothers being a big reason for its success. Critters, referred to as "crites" to those in the know, are little, red-eyed hellraising furballs from another world. They have huge mouths full of razor fangs and an insatiable appetite for, well, pretty much everything. And the more they eat, the more they grow. These creatures also possess a high intelligence (at least high enough to mastermind an escape, drive a spaceship and talk to one another), can compact themselves into a ball and roll around like tumbleweeds and can shoot tranquilizing quills to incapacitate victims. As the film opens, eight of the little suckers manage to break out of a maximum security prison asteroid and steal a spaceship. The warden of the prison promptly enlists the aid of two faceless bounty hunters to track the escaped critters and then either capture or destroy them before they can feed. Bet you can guess which planet the crites decide to check out.

We then meet your typical midwest Kansas farm family; The Brown's. Homemaker Helen (Dee Wallace) is busy fixin' up breakfast and preparing her crew for the day. Teen daughter April (Nadine Van Der Velde) is pissed she can't get into the bathroom because kid brother Brad (Scott Grimes) is busy running a thermometer under hot water to get out of going to school. Geometry exam, you know. And car mechanic pops Jay (Billy Green Bush) is just so country he wears bib overalls, drinks his coffee out of a Mason Jar and wonders why anyone would buy a sports car cause it can't haul hay. Charlie (Don Opper), who is - how should we be put this nicely - a little bit "slow," helps Jay out on the cars. Charlie's also a drunk who is obsessed with the possibility of alien life and thinks he can pick up transmissions from space in his teeth fillings. We're also introduced around to some of the townsfolk, including Sheriff Harv (M. Emmet Walsh), police dispatcher Sal (Lin Shaye, sister of executive producer Robert Shaye) and Steve (Billy Zane in his second film role), a rich kid who's interested in dating April.

As night falls, Brad is grounded and stuck in his room, April has her new boyfriend over for dinner (with the family) and dessert (in the barn later) and dad is preparing to defend his title at a local bowling tournament. Helen is, uh, who knows? Probably going to do the dishes or something. The ship carrying the crites finally lands, and they're so hungry they can eat a cow. And do! And a deputy, too! The little aliens make it over to the Brown farm and make themselves a general pain in the ass by destroying the fuse box, stopping by the chicken coop for a midnight snack, biting off Steve's fingers, clogging up the toilet, having a pillow fight and nibbling on each of the family members. But the bounty hunters aren't far behind. Because they're faceless, they can take on whatever form they choose. After watching a tutorial about life on Earth, one of them decides to transform into the likeness of famous rock singer Johnny Steele (played by Terrence Mann). The other isn't quite as decisive and decides to pick his identity upon landing, going through a dead deputy, a pious reverend and finally even Charlie himself.

Because none of us speak Crite, the filmmakers were kind enough to provide us with subtitles for what the lil critters say, which is a cute touch and used well. The movie as a whole is certainly nothing special, but there's enough action, horror and laughs to move you through painlessly enough. In keeping with the vibe of many other PG / PG-13 rated mainstream horror releases of the time, there's a hokey "feel good" ending tacked on, though it's not quite as puke-inducing as the finale of POLTERGEIST II: THE OTHER SIDE (1986). Then again, what is? Co-star Opper co-wrote it and there's a fun score from David Newman.

Critters was a modest hit in theaters and did very well on video so CRITTERS 2 (1988) followed with Grimes, Opper, Mann and Shaye all returning. It was followed by the direct-to-video releases CRITTERS 3 (1991), which was set in a big city tenement building, and CRITTERS 4 (1991), which was set aboard a spaceship.

★★1/2

Critters 2 (1988)

... aka: Critters 2: The Main Course

Directed by:
Mick Garris

If you recall, the final shot of CRITTERS (1986) was of some eggs left behind by those pesky little "space porcupine things" before their spaceship was blasted out of the sky. Two years have passed and the Brown family has since moved to the big city, slow-witted Charlie the town drunk has finally found a purpose in life by going to space to become an alien bounty hunter, Sheriff Harv (Barry Corbin replacing M. Emmet Walsh) was voted out of office and has become a bitter hermit and former dispatcher Sally (Lin Shaye) has found a new job as reporter for the Grover's Bend Gazette. Young Bradley (Scott Grimes), known in those parts as "The Boy Who Cried Critter" since there was no actual proof of the alien's prior visit, has clearly picked the wrong time to return to town to visit his health-food-addict Nana (Herta Ware). The eggs remain in the barn after all that time... and they're about ready to hatch. Somewhere in space, bounty hunters Ug (still with the identity of rock star Johnny Steele and still played by Terrence Mann), Charlie (Don Opper) and the identity-shy "Nothing Face" get word about the eggs and are ordered by their commander Zanti to return to Earth to exterminate the critters.

A shady antique's dealer (Douglas Rowe) gets his hands on the eggs and sells some to Nana. It's Easter time, so the eggs are all painted and distributed around town and some are even going to be used for the church's upcoming egg hunt. It isn't long before they start popping open and "hundreds" of baby crites are infesting the town, quickly increasing in size the more they eat. The antique's dealer and his dog make for nice appetizers. Next up is the grumpy new Sheriff, who's forced to dress up as the Easter Bunny, ends up getting a pant load full of the little monsters and leaps through the church window during the middle of service. Megan (Liane Curtis), daughter of the newspaper editor (Sam Anderson) and a budding reporter herself, finally gets Bradley to admit to what happened two years earlier and the two try to get Harv to help them out. Just in the nick of time, the bounty hunters land on Earth. They find a Playboy magazine on the ground so "Nothing Face" aka Lee can transform into one of the centerfolds (Roxanne Kernohan), complete with a staple in the stomach. And off to "Kill Crites" they go...

The "man-eatin' dust mops" invade the Hungry Heifer fast food restaurant and get their money's worth on the all-you-can-eat lunch buffet before getting blasted to bits. One gets his toupe shot off and another is deep fried in hot oil. The Crites chuckle, say things like "Bitchin" and "Cheeeeesburgers!" and all combine together to create a giant Critter ball at the very end which can roll over people and skin them alive. Since there are so many of the things to contend with, the townsfolk (who congregate that evening in the church just like in the same year's BLOB remake) decide to lure them all to a local hamburger plant to try to blow them up. It's all done with a lighthearted touch and has another "heartwarming" ending to ensure a PG-13 rating despite the fact there's about as much gore and gunk, profanity and nudity as many R-rated films.

Critters 2 (subtitled "The Main Course" on the poster only) is a watchable though lesser follow-up. One noticable improvement over the first is that much of the film takes place in the daytime and thus the monsters are much easier to see. The cast is OK, the monsters get more face-time here, there's a higher body count (not difficult to match the two deaths in the original film), the Chiodo Brothers (Charles, Edward and Stephen) provide fun effects and there are a few amusing moments (such as when the faceless alien attempts to transform into Freddy Krueger). Unfortunately, most of the humor is juvenile and takes center stage over everything else. The humorous dialogue ("Who are we gonna call; Critter Busters?") is often cringe-worthy and it also resorts to "comic" sound effects, such as "boing!" or a bowling-ball-knocking-over-pins sound when a big Critter mows over a few people, for cheap laughs.

This was director Mick Garris' debut feature, which he also co-wrote with David Twohy. He'd go on to make the so-so PSYCHO IV: THE BEGINNING (1990) and many, mostly-mediocre Stephen King adaptations, including SLEEPWALKERS (1992), the epic(ally overlong) TV miniseries THE STAND (1994) QUICKSILVER HIGHWAY (1997), THE SHINING (1997), RIDING THE BULLET (2004), DESPERATION (2006) and BAG OF BONES (2011). Cynthia Garris, the director's wife, wrote and sang the funny Hungry Heifer jingle (and provided the voice for the alien Zanti). Eddie Deezen (restaurant amanger), Tom Hodges (town punk) and Frank Birney (reverend) co-star. Two more direct-to-video Critters films followed in 1991.

★★

Alien Space Avenger (1988)

... aka: Alien Terror
... aka: Space Avenger

Directed by:
Richard W. Haines

Sometime in the late 1930s, Rex (Robert Prichard) and his girl Doris (Angela Nicholas), and Derek (Michael McCleery) and his girl Karen (Charity Staley), are on their way to catch a movie and see an unidentified object hurtling through the sky. Upon investigating it, all four end up becoming host bodies for little green lizard creatures who jump into their mouths. The creatures are alien terrorists who have escaped their prison planet in a stolen space pod and headed to Earth because it's supposedly an off-limits biosphere for their race. They do however have to worry about fixing their crashed ship, and they need plutonium to do so, something hard to come by in small town America in the 1930s for sure. The four venture into town to try to find some, are scared about our technologies after a viewing of FLASH GORDON CONQUERS THE UNIVERSE and then shoot up a Masonic Lodge. When one of the alien's arms is blown off with a shotgun, it instantly grows back. While they flee, they notice an intergalactic agent's spaceship out looking for them, so they decide to hide out in their crashed ship in the woods for awhile until the threat passes. And when I say awhile, I mean for decades!

Fifty years later, a construction crew finally unearths the ship. When they try to open it up, the four aliens pop out and blast them. Deciding they need to find somewhere less conspicuous to hide out, they head to Greenwich Village, New York City and hole up in an abandoned building as they continue their search for plutonium. Meanwhile, Matt (Kirk Fairbanks Fogg), an immature artist currently working on a "Space Avenger" comic book needs to come up with fresh ideas or else he's out of a job. Matt's whiny girlfriend Ginny (Gina Mastrogiacomo) is frustrated with him because he seems more interested in comics than her and wants him to "grow up" and get a "real job" in adveritising instead of doing the comic. The two go to a club, where they encounter the aliens still dressed in 1930s garb. Matt now has a novel idea a little too close to true life: 1930s era alien invaders. He pitches it to his publisher (Marty Roberts) with success and starts up the new storyline.

The aliens secure new guns after a bunch of drug dealers shoot each other then go to a nuclear power plant, shoot thirty-three people dead and steal some highly-radioactive processed plutonium. Matt follows the headlines of the criminals in antique clothes and incorporates them into the comic book. Naturally, the aliens and Matt eventually cross paths. Angered by their exploits now being featured in Space Avengers, the aliens attempt (unsuccessfully) to take him out. In order to get close to Matt, one of the good guy intergalactic agents enters into Ginny's body, using her as a human host to complete its task of eliminating the evil aliens.

Though hardly perfect, this is a fun enough low-budget B flick. All of the aliens are given a distinct personality: short-fused bully, drunken klutz, bored nympho and wimpy worry wart, and there's plenty of violence and cheap gore, plus some T&A and tons of squib work. Probably a hundred people get shot down in this film! Much of the humor stems from the culture clash of 1930s aliens emerging in a far less inhibited modern day New York. During a trip to the grocery store for food, one of the aliens eats rat poison and Milk Bone dog biscuits and drinks it all down with a douche. At one point, the aliens go into a porn boutique looking for weapons and the cashier hands them over a whip and a giant "super dildo." One of the lead female aliens gets bored and goes out to have some fun by pretending to be a hooker and picking up a sleazy businessman (played by porn actor Jamie Gillis), whom she incinerates during sex.

Director Haines was a Troma veteran and it shows. He previously made the pretty worthless slasher flick SPLATTER UNIVERSITY (1982), which was distributed by Troma, and then co-directed CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH (1986), one of Troma's signature films. He's brought along Prichard for the lead alien role here and Prichard gives the almost exact same screaming, over-the-top performance he gave in Nuke 'em High and Troma's THE TOXIC AVENGER (1984). McCleery, the other male alien, played one of the psycho sons in the Troma release MOTHER'S DAY (1980). Nicholas, a really gorgeous former Penthouse Pet who also had a small role in PSYCHOS IN LOVE (1986), would emerge fifteen years later as late night cable erotic favorite using the name Angela Davies. Mastrogiacomo would nab a decent role in Scorcese's GOODFELLAS a few years after this one and Fogg went on to host the Nickelodeon game show Legends of the Hidden Temple.

There was video versions released through A.I.P. and Worldvision but there's no R1 DVD.

★★1/2

Run Stranger Run (1973)

... aka: Happy Mother's Day, Love George

Directed by:
Darren McGavin

Actor Darren McGavin, best known for his portrayal of Detective Carl Kolchak on the genre TV movies THE NIGHT STALKER (1971) and THE NIGHT STRANGLER (1972) and the subsequent series Kolchack: The Night Stalker, made his feature directorial debut with this very interesting horror-mystery dealing with small town family secrets and serial murder. With little money in his pocket, teenage orphan Johnny (Ron Howard) hitches a ride to a small New England finishing village searching for his missing parents. He immediately goes to visit his birth mother, Ronda (Cloris Leachman), at her cafe. Though the two pretty much immediately know who the other is, neither is willing to immediately acknowledge it. Johnny leaves and takes a stroll through the neighborhood to check out some of his other relatives. His widowed Aunt Cara (Patricia Neal), who lives nearby, turns out to be a pretty nasty piece of work. She's loud, obnoxious and, while she has no problem berating her fisherman son (Royce D. Applegate) and his sleazy wife (Gale Garnett), she prefers to coddle and smother her daughter Celia (Tessa Dahl). Celia, though in her late teenage years, is extremely awkward and immature for her age from having been watched over like a hawk for years. Johnny chooses to initially observe all of these people from afar before identifying himself.

Returning to the cafe, Johnny is immediately picked up by local sheriff Roy (Simon Oakland, who played McGavin's Night Stalker partner) for questioning. When Roy discovers who the mysterious teenager really is, he attempts to purchase him a bus ticket out of town. Seems there are some deep wounds some people in town don't want reopened. Having nothing to lose, Johnny - who grew up being raised by a restrictive and physically abusive traveling preacher father - refuses to go until he gets the answers he came there for. While all of this is going on, a serial killer is going after men in the area. Four have already turned up missing (most of the bodies are buried on the beach) and there'll be many more where that came from before this film is over. As Johnny investigates his past, he uncovers many skeletons in the family closet. Why does Ronda refuse to tell him who his real father is? Why has Ronda busted her ass for years and years to pay someone else to raise her only child? Why haven't Ronda and Cara spoken to each other in many years? And how does Johnny's family tie into the string of seemingly senseless murders?

Scripted by Robert Clouse (who'd go on to direct the 1982 killer rat movie DEADLY EYES), the story will seem somewhat familiar to fans of mysteries and thrillers but the film itself offers up many rewards. That is, if you're a patient viewer who doesn't mind something leisurely-paced with emphasis on character for a good hour before breaking out the more horror-oriented stuff. This works especially well as an acting showcase for its very talented cast of character actors. Neal has perhaps the showiest role here, which one might liken to a later-day Bette Davis performance as a repressed, bitter, somewhat funny old crone who can barely hide her contempt for the past or her own life. Howard (in between his stints on the TV shows The Andy Griffith Show and Happy Days, and way before becoming one of Hollywood's top directors) does fine as the aimless young man in search of his identity and Leachman does her usual solid job inhabiting the role of a conflicted woman who must chose between admitting her past mistakes or having a relationship with her son.

The real cast revelation here, however, is Tessa Dahl as the desperately lonely Celia. Dahl - the real-life daughter of Neal and writer Raold Dahl - gets the film's most intriguing character and gives a very bright and promising performance here. Unfortunately, hardly anyone saw this film when it was released and Dahl's acting career went nowhere afterward. Though she's been emotionally stunted by her mother, the childish-acting Celia is still an adult with adult needs and can't hide her interest in sex, even if it means embarrassing her mother by penning love letters to half the men in town. Celia not only regularly spies on her randy gigolo neighbor (Joseph Mascolo) getting it on with his married mistress (Kathie Brown, McGavin's real-life wife), but she doesn't have a problem offering herself to any takers. And that includes Johnny, who probably doesn't need to add "estranged relative trying to seduce me" to his list of confusions. Either way, judging by this film alone, Dahl should have been offered more roles. Instead she settled into a career as a writer and mother. One of her daughters - Sophie Dahl - is a model.

Singer Bobby Darin (in his final film role) plays Leachman's hot-temepered cook boyfriend, who gets violent when Johnny's presence threatens his relationship, and Thayer David also has a small role. The country theme song is "A Man Can Be a Very Lonely Thing." Little has been written about this forgotten film over the years and not much is known about its production history or how it came to be (and since the director and many of the leads are no longer with us, its likely we might never learn much about it). Neal - who passed away in 2010 - briefly mentioned the film in her autobiography and talked about going to Nova Scotia to film it, doing publicity for it in America and how the film quickly disappeared after mixed reviews, a re-titling and an unsuccessful theatrical run. It was however a continual source of amusement between mother and daughter because the completely inexperienced Dahl received better notices than her Oscar-winning mother!

It was made (in conjuction with Swiss backers) by Taurean Films, McGavin's short-lived production company, which also made B MUST DIE (1975), a political thriller starring McGavin himself, with Neal in a smaller role and a largely-Spanish-speaking supporting cast. The film was never released in America and remains mostly unseen here, though it was nominated for several prestigious Spanish awards. RCA issued this on VHS in the 80s in a box that would hardly get the attention of genre fans. There's no DVD.

★★★