Sex and the Single Vampire (1970)

Directed by:
"Modunk Phreezer"

Possibly the very first vampire porno film, this awful X-rated "comedy" has been released in both uncut hardcore and heavily cut softcore versions. The latter is reduced down to as little as 27 minutes, but the full version runs just 55 minutes. Something Weird released both versions. 300-year-old bloodsucker Count Spatula (John Holmes) awakens from his coffin complaining about his rheumatism. If that's not getting you in the mood for some lovin', keep in mind that Holmes - not a very attractive man to begin with - has his hair streaked grey, is wearing blue eye shadow, bright red lipstick and pink press on nails (!) in this one. He sets out some rat traps to catch the large rodents infesting his home and then goes to clean all of the empty blood bottles out his refrigerator. He's in need of some fresh blood and, whadda ya know, three couples and an additional woman all show up at the home. Supposedly one guy has just inherited the place from his Hungarian uncle, who's rumored to have been a vampire. After a few lame jokes ("scared stiff," anyone?) some of the couples decide to go upstairs to check out the bedrooms. One couple stays behind so they can "... get out of it and into it."

Just what you think goes on upstairs in the bedrooms. Holmes' vampire watches everyone from behind curtains, makes goofy faces, bites his nails, makes asides directly to the camera, accidentally steps on the mouse traps he has set up and gets electrocuted while messing around with the fuse box. One girl lets another know what a "magnificent set" she has before the obligatory lesbian scene and a guy who can't get it up blames his girlfriend, who complains "it's like trying to force a marshmellow into a piggy bank!" Another guy finds a cold cola in the kitchen and becomes suspicious, but is strangled, bit and tied up before he can do much else. After a group number, everyone realizes their friend is missing out on the "groovy action" and the two other guys go looking for him. They're both knocked unconscious and tied up by the Count, who then has four women to keep him busy. So busy he forgets to drink their blood. And so busy he's up until the morning. Oops. Thank you writer "Wolfgang Klutzman" for helping me reach my quota of double entendre "suck" jokes until about 2020.

No one seems to know who director "Modunk Phreezer" is, and it's doubtful we ever will. The cast includes prolific sex film star Sandy Dempsey (SEX PSYCHO), Kathy Hilton (no, not Paris Hilton's mother) and John Dullaghan, who went on to a career in theater productions, TV and in R-rated films after this, such as GARDEN OF THE DEAD (1972) and THE THING WITH TWO HEADS (1972). Other vampire movies with hardcore sex include Ray Dennis Steckler's awful THE HORNY VAMPIRE (1971) and THE MAD LOVE LIFE OF A HOT VAMPIRE (1971), COUNT EROTICO - VAMPIRE (1975), DRACULA SUCKS (1978), DRACULA EXOTICA (1981) and the all-male GAYRACULA (1983).

★

Dracula (The Dirty Old Man) (1969)

... aka: Dracula, the Dirty Old Man

Directed by:
William Edwards

Opening credits featuring a blood-dripping cartoon breast should clue you in to what you're in store for here. A soft-core sex flick. Mmm hmm. Then the appallingly unfunny opening narration ("I saw a blue mountain back behind a blue mountain back behind another blue mountain and then I knew that I was in... the land of the blue mountains.") should clue you in to what else you're in store for. Mind-numbingly awful comedy. Yup yup. As the Townsend's in Al Adamson's BLOOD OF DRACULA'S CASTLE (1969) can already attest, the desert isn't the best place in the world for a vampire to live, but that's just where the bearded Count Alucard (Vince Kelley) resides. His cave lair consists of a coffin on the ground, a couple of tiki torches and some racks. Yes indeedy, Mr. Alucard, you do need an interior decorator. Maybe ask your "old bat" of a mother rubber bat on a string to help ya out there. Alucard eventually wanders into town just in time to catch Ann (Ann Hollis) underdressing and massaging her breasts in front the bedroom mirror while fantacizing about her date Mike Waters (Bill Whitton). Alucard would like to "take her home for supper" but settles for transforming into a bat and flying off instead.

Both Mike and Ann work as reporters. Mike's boss sends him off to meet Mr. Alucard, who claims to want to reopen some old mines. Upon arriving, Mike is quickly hypnotized by the vampire's necklace. The vampire then renames him Irving Jackalman and instructs him to bring him three women on the next full moon. But if there are any "leftovers" he's welcome to them. Mike / Jackalman ends up transforming into a ridiculous-looking monster that looks like a mix between a werewolf and a teddy bear. He grabs some girl leaving a bar and she's zapped back to the vampire's lair, tied to a cross, stripped naked and then has her breast bitten. After her boyfriend gets his throat ripped out, a second woman (whom the vampire deems "a little better than the first") is transported to the lair for more of the same. Jackal shows up at a third woman's home, kills her husband, strips her clothes off, rapes her on the floor, kills her and then continues having sex with her corpse. Having killed her, he's back on the hunt for Alucard's next victim.

A woman's car breaks down so Jackalman follows her to a service station and ends up kidnapping a completely different woman leaving the restroom. Even though Alucard is dissatisfied with this one having small breasts, he promotes Jackalman and allows him to rape and kill her. The film then cuts to a scene that seems to have been grafted on at a later junction. Young Susan (Adarainne) and Bob (Ron Scott), who looks old enough to be her father, start messing around. She loses her top, pushes him off of her and tells him he just doesn't do it for her. Bob: "You make me sick!" Susan: "Kiss my ass, bastard!" After Bob leaves, Susan starts pleasuring herself, but then a hairy monster shows up and strangles her. Mike (in human form) then takes Ann on a drive-in theater date, transforms into Jackalman and takes her back to the count. The two get in a fight over her and she runs off naked into the cave but is captured again. Alucard and Jackalman keep fighting and fighting into the wee hours of morning, which can't be too good for our Count.

Either shot with no audio or the original audio track got scrapped at some point, all of the narration and dialogue (which hardly ever matches the lips) in this was added in later. I'm not quite sure if the original film was intended to be taken seriously or not, but whoever ended up dubbing it certainly didn't! This thing is virtually MST3K'd before they even had a chance to do it. There are perhaps a couple of chuckles poking fun of the original film but most of this is painfully unfunny and incredibly irritating... and the characters never seem to shut up. Even when doing simple things like walking, driving or looking in windows, we're treated to the characters telling us they're walking, driving or looking in windows. It runs just 69 minutes. I will promote you to a Second Class Jackalman if you make it all the way to the end!

Director Edwards also wrote and produced THE MUMMY AND THE CURSE OF THE JACKAL (1969). Ted V. Mikels regular Chuck Alford is credited as the "Reproduction Manager" (?) Something Weird DVD double-billed this with GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO COUNT DRACULA? (1970). Truncated versions of the hardcore porn films SEX AND SINGLE VAMPIRE (1970) and Dracula and the Dirty Old Witch (aka THE BRIDE'S INITIATION) (1976) are part of the package.

★