... aka: Lizzie Borden's Revenge: The Axe is Back
Directed by:
Dennis Devine
"We conjured up the ghost of Lizzie Borden and now her lesbian ass is haunting our sorority house?!"
In Fall
River, Massachusetts in 1892, Lizzie Borden (Jenny Allford) chops up her
religious fanatic parents (mom is played by veteran Scream Queen Brinke
Stevens, who certainly deserves better than this boring cameo) because they
disapprove of her being a lesbian. This first scene alone, with its terrible
acting, an exterior shot of a house that looks absolutely nothing like the real
Borden house (they probably should have opted for a still photo), barren
porn-level "art direction" and hilariously bad CGI blood splatter, pretty much
sets the tone for what's to follow. And it's not a pretty picture, folks. Things
cut to modern day as seven sorority sisters face "punishment" for being caught
(gasp!) drinking. So what does this punishment entail? Well, it involves missing
a Spring Break trip to Florida and something about them being locked up inside
Lizzie Borden's former house and being forced to have a slumber party dressed
only in their lingerie.
During a game of Truth or Dare, nerdy Cindy (Kelly Erin Decker)
decides that for her dare they all should hold a séance to call forth the spirit
of Lizzie. One of the girls, Leslie (hardcore porno actress Veronica Ricci),
happens to be a descendant of the Borden clan and immediately becomes possessed.
The other girls are Amanda (Marlene Mc'Cohen), whose mentally-disturbed
younger sister Vanessa (Krystal Ellsworth) has managed to sneak inside,
Dee (Tiffany Mualem), who has severe anger management issues, Janice (Ginny
You), who is an uptight tattle-tale, Ashley (Mindy Robinson), a
tattooed, silicone-chested slut, and Mallory (Shanalynne Wesner), whose
attempt to take naughty birthday pics for her boyfriend results in pervert
photographer Bobby (Michael Beardsley) breaking into the house armed with
a handycam to shoot material to upload onto his porno website. The above
characters talk, and wander down hallways, and talk some more, and run up the
stairs, and talk, and sit on the couch and argue and whine and argue some more.
It's about as much fun as it sounds. Every once in awhile, Lizzie (in crappy
dime store Halloween kit level makeup) pops in to kill someone off.
Even as a longtime fan of low-budget trashy horror flicks - including the
same director's DEAD GIRLS (1990) - this sunk too low even for me. The
acting is atrocious, the dialogue ("I'm not retarded... I'm mentally
imbalanced!") and attempts at character arcs (like the photographer's sudden big
'coming out' moment... don't ask) are cringe-worthy, the makeup and fx are
extremely lame, the editing is terrible... Well, actually, *everything* is
terrible. Worst of all, it commits the biggest sin for one of these things by being extremely boring. Even several of the actresses getting naked doesn't
help matters. The only one able to rise above the material is You, who seems to
have a knack for comedy. I wouldn't mind seeing her in something else. Several
of the other girls are nice to look at and a few even show hints of appeal or
talent, as if they could be better given decent material, but this sure as hell
isn't it.
The DVD is from TomCat films, who are also responsible for Aliens vs.
Avatars (2011), Zombie Apocalypse: Redemption (2011), Jurassic
Shark (2012), Isis Rising: Curse of the Lady Mummy (2013) and other
garbage.
★
