La noche de la bestia (1988)

... aka: Night of the Beast

Directed by:
Gilberto de Anda

Five thirty-somethings, former high school pals whose lives have taken completely different paths, take a mini-vacation to the skankiest mountain cabin ever to go duck hunting at a nearby lake. There's Ramón (top-billed Sergio Goyri, who's also credited as coming up with the "original idea" for this one), an architect, ranchero and the most level-headed and normal of the group. Bonus point: Also the one with the most impressive mustache! Ronco (Jorge Reynoso) was a bully in school so it comes as no surprise he's now a short-tempered policeman and gun fanatic. He's also a little, well, "ronco" ("husky" in Spanish). Mario (Arsenio Campos) is a computer programmer and amateur musician. Alfredo (Arturo García Tenorio) has become a big time movie director and alcoholic bachelor first seen passed out surrounded by half a dozen starlets. And Willi (Hugo Stiglitz) is an unhappily-married surgeon with an insecure, yet large-breasted, wife (Abril Campillo) who pleads with him not to go because she's paranoid he's going to be unfaithful. Sick of being smothered by her, and not in the way he'd probably prefer, Willi confides to his buddies that he "can't stand that broad" and only keeps her around because, "Who's going to cook for me?"

On the way to their secluded destination they go through all the usual male bonding paces we always see in these kind of movies. You know, like, drinking beer, drinking whiskey, smoking, playing poker, farting, belching, making crude jokes, talking about women like they're dirt, playing around with a blow-up sex doll and discussing shit and turds more than anyone over the age of 13 ever should. That's capped off with a group hug, a mushy aside about how they're the best friends in the whole wide world and a drunken bedtime toast of "Till death do us part." That will be more appropriate than they realize.

The following morning, the men go through a hilariously Freudian pre-hunt ritual where they show each other their weapons, polish them, lovingly stroke them and act like they're about to get off at any given moment. Husky has decided to bring along his Kalashnikov AR-47 assault rifle and 44 Magnum cause, you know, those are just the kind of guns you need when you're heading out after Daffy, Thumper and other such dangerous prey. They hunt, fish, get drunk and swim. Ronco takes his semi-automatic to a rabbit while opting to kill a bear with his hunting knife (?!) I think this is supposed to be funny.

Nearby, a small team a scientists led by engineer Manuel Capetillo and working for the "Nuclear Energy Investigative Institute" are searching for uranium. They set off some explosives, which causes a sudden increase in radiation levels in the area. Later that night, the men's cabin is rocked by a loud explosion. When they go to investigate they see a stock footage shot of an A bomb cloud off in the distance. Only mildly concerned, they go back to sleep. The following day, injured female scientist Dr. Ana Martinez (Lina Santos) is chased to their camp by three other crazed and armed colleagues. A gun battle ensues. The bad scientists are shot dead. A couple of the hunters decide to check out the scientist's "encampment" and all they find are a bunch of bloody, dismembered human limbs.

Around the one hour mark of this 80 minute movie, Ana relates a flashback to her scientific team discovering a meteorite that's apparently been buried underground for 16 thousand years. Because of the prestige and money at stake, the team decided to keep their discovery a secret from the institute funding them, opting instead to conduct their own experiments. Further examination reveals it's made from an element not known on Earth and its color varies with the intensity of light. Whatever material it's made out of, it's concealing a capsule inside, which the team make the mistake of opening with a laser.

When there are just ten minutes remaining, two monsters finally show up at the cabin. The first is a small parasitic worm that enters victims through the mouth, controls them and makes them attack the others a la movies like Shivers and The Hidden. The second is a giant monster with a tentacle tongue (I think the mother of the little thing?) that pops up at the very end through the floorboards. It looks like something grade school kids would create if you gave them 20 dollars and told them to replicate a Tremors graboid out of papier-mâché. Needless to say, neither is adequate payoff for having to sit through the previous hour + testosterone-fest, though the finale tries in vain to make up for that and includes an axing, a stabbing, a leg pulled off, a body thrown through a window and one pretty good bit where Stiglitz gets possessed. This also boasts perhaps the wobbliest pan shot in motion picture history. Still not nearly enough to redeem the rest.

Director de Anda also made Cazador de demonios / "Demon Hunter" (1983) and the anthologies Un paso al más aca / "One Step Further" (1988), La zona del silencio / "The Zone of Silence" (1990) and Masacre nocturna / "Slaughter Night" (either 1990 or 1997). Beast has never been released in the U.S. There was a Spanish-language only 1993 VHS release by Arte Cinema Film Inc. in Mexico and (I believe) a DVD double feature release though I'm not sure of the company. A version with English fan subs is currently on Youtube, which surprisingly isn't bad quality.

★1/2

Huo zhu gui (1989)

... aka: 火燭鬼
... aka: 表哥到續集
... aka: 滅火英雄
... aka: Biao ge dao xu ji
... aka: Burning Sensation
... aka: Feng chuk gwai
... aka: Fire Ghost

Directed by:
Ma Wu

In the sepia tone pre-title sequence, a Chinese opera stunt goes wrong and the leading actress accidentally gets torched. Thirty years later, we meet up with a fire brigade responding to a fire in an abandoned building. Ken aka Fireman #7022 (Kenny Bee) has visions of a woman inside screaming for help that no one else can hear, defies his superior's orders, runs in, can't find the woman, leaps through a tall window and is safely caught in a net by his fellow firemen. And all he has to show for it is a stupid little wooden shrine! While this stunt gets him in hot water with the fire chief (James Tien) and put on a three month leave, it also attracts the attention of the dead actresses ghost whose shrine he removed. She - Ling (Carol 'Do Do' Cheng) - follows him everywhere, lives in his TV set (which constantly plays her 1950s operas) and helps protect him as he's now her "benefactor."

Meanwhile, a taxi driver (Blackie Ko) thinks he's in luck when he picks up the lascivious Piu Hung (Eva Lai, a former beauty queen and Miss Asia Pacific) outside of a cemetery and convinces her to accompany him to a "love motel." They don't make it that far when she reveals herself to be an evil seductress / man-hating siren who strangles him to death with a super long mutant tongue that looks like it was made out of Laffy Taffy. Apparently, Piu Hung is a well-known entity in the area because she's a topic on a supernatural-themed late night radio show hosted by Hau-Pau Ma (played by the director), who also happens to be Ken's much older brother.

Because he's now out of a job, the shy, virginal Ken is forced to move in with his macho, sexist, obnoxious, lifelong bachelor bro, who promptly tries to find him a wife because, according to him, he's over twenty now and too old to still be doing "women's work" (cleaning and cooking). Ling makes herself useful by beating up Ken's former boss, jamming a toothbrush into Hau-Pau's mouth and then burning his dick with a lit cigarette (?!) And she's supposed to be the sweet, charming one! When he shows up at work the next day limping, his coworkers stare at him and accuse him of having v.d. Thinking he's cursed with bad luck, Hau-Pau rearranges his furniture and hangs a wok over the front door, which (according to this film) helps ward off evil. That doesn't quite work as planned.

After hearing the radio broadcast about her and having a weird love spell cast on her (which involves plucking the object of your desire's hair, tying it around your finger and then sucking on it), Piu Hung first targets Hau-Pau before setting her sights on Ken. But first she'll have to get past his protector, Ling. It's then a war between the two supernaturally-gifted ladies; one wanting to kill him and the other trying to save him. Seeing how sensitive and skittish Ken is, Ling tries to conceal the fact she's actually a ghost from him as the two start to fall in love. However, since Piu Hung refuses to go away, she's forced to come clean about what she really is in order to save him.

Clearly striving for the widest audience appeal imaginable, this gives viewers comedy, drama, horror, action and romance (read: slow motion love montages set to syrupy songs) all wrapped into one. Unfortunately, it doesn't do any of those genres particularly well, though it's mildly entertaining and sporadically pleasant. Impatient viewers will especially want to steer clear as it takes over an hour for this to go all in on the action and horror and, even then, it trots out mostly cliches as far as HK ghost movies are concerned (spells papers, a magic mirror, laser fx, deadly shawls, coin swords, acrobatic wire work with visible wires, etc.). Some of the more interesting story elements, like invisibility achieved via "glutinous rice powder" and some time traveling, aren't introduced until the film is almost over. Marketing this as a ghost vs. firefighter film, which sounds great in theory so someone should actually make that movie, is also a bit of a cheat seeing how firefighting only features in one brief scene.

While many of the comic set pieces flatline, especially a scene where Hau-Pau and his buddies (Teddy Yip and Clifton Ko) try to cheat a blind friend (James Wong) at mahjong, there are at least a few amusing gags involving the tongue. I'm not sure where exactly this idea originated but seeing how GHOULIES (1985) also featured a seductress with a long killer tongue she uses to strangle someone with, they perhaps got the idea there. The same concept was later used in the obnoxious wanna-be camp horror-comedy The Killer Tongue (1996). When Piu Hung's true self takes shape, she has long red fingernails, teased hair, purple lipstick and crazy eye make-up, so basically she looks like an 80s punk groupie. Except for the vampire teeth. And green blood. And super-stretchy arms.

This Golden Harvest release co-produced by Sammo Hung was available on VHS through Rainbow and Tai Seng. The DVD releases from Fortune Star (as part of their "Legendary Collection") and the Malaysian company Speedy Video both have English subtitle options. Despite being a Ma Wu fan, this isn't one I'm likely to be revisiting.

★★