Huo zhu gui (1989)

... aka: 火燭鬼
... aka: 表哥到續集
... aka: 滅火英雄
... aka: Biao ge dao xu ji
... aka: Burning Sensation
... aka: Feng chuk gwai
... aka: Fire Ghost

Directed by:
Ma Wu

In the sepia tone pre-title sequence, a Chinese opera stunt goes wrong and the leading actress accidentally gets torched. Thirty years later, we meet up with a fire brigade responding to a fire in an abandoned building. Ken aka Fireman #7022 (Kenny Bee) has visions of a woman inside screaming for help that no one else can hear, defies his superior's orders, runs in, can't find the woman, leaps through a tall window and is safely caught in a net by his fellow firemen. And all he has to show for it is a stupid little wooden shrine! While this stunt gets him in hot water with the fire chief (James Tien) and put on a three month leave, it also attracts the attention of the dead actresses ghost whose shrine he removed. She - Ling (Carol 'Do Do' Cheng) - follows him everywhere, lives in his TV set (which constantly plays her 1950s operas) and helps protect him as he's now her "benefactor."

Meanwhile, a taxi driver (Blackie Ko) thinks he's in luck when he picks up the lascivious Piu Hung (Eva Lai, a former beauty queen and Miss Asia Pacific) outside of a cemetery and convinces her to accompany him to a "love motel." They don't make it that far when she reveals herself to be an evil seductress / man-hating siren who strangles him to death with a super long mutant tongue that looks like it was made out of Laffy Taffy. Apparently, Piu Hung is a well-known entity in the area because she's a topic on a supernatural-themed late night radio show hosted by Hau-Pau Ma (played by the director), who also happens to be Ken's much older brother.

Because he's now out of a job, the shy, virginal Ken is forced to move in with his macho, sexist, obnoxious, lifelong bachelor bro, who promptly tries to find him a wife because, according to him, he's over twenty now and too old to still be doing "women's work" (cleaning and cooking). Ling makes herself useful by beating up Ken's former boss, jamming a toothbrush into Hau-Pau's mouth and then burning his dick with a lit cigarette (?!) And she's supposed to be the sweet, charming one! When he shows up at work the next day limping, his coworkers stare at him and accuse him of having v.d. Thinking he's cursed with bad luck, Hau-Pau rearranges his furniture and hangs a wok over the front door, which (according to this film) helps ward off evil. That doesn't quite work as planned.

After hearing the radio broadcast about her and having a weird love spell cast on her (which involves plucking the object of your desire's hair, tying it around your finger and then sucking on it), Piu Hung first targets Hau-Pau before setting her sights on Ken. But first she'll have to get past his protector, Ling. It's then a war between the two supernaturally-gifted ladies; one wanting to kill him and the other trying to save him. Seeing how sensitive and skittish Ken is, Ling tries to conceal the fact she's actually a ghost from him as the two start to fall in love. However, since Piu Hung refuses to go away, she's forced to come clean about what she really is in order to save him.

Clearly striving for the widest audience appeal imaginable, this gives viewers comedy, drama, horror, action and romance (read: slow motion love montages set to syrupy songs) all wrapped into one. Unfortunately, it doesn't do any of those genres particularly well, though it's mildly entertaining and sporadically pleasant. Impatient viewers will especially want to steer clear as it takes over an hour for this to go all in on the action and horror and, even then, it trots out mostly cliches as far as HK ghost movies are concerned (spells papers, a magic mirror, laser fx, deadly shawls, coin swords, acrobatic wire work with visible wires, etc.). Some of the more interesting story elements, like invisibility achieved via "glutinous rice powder" and some time traveling, aren't introduced until the film is almost over. Marketing this as a ghost vs. firefighter film, which sounds great in theory so someone should actually make that movie, is also a bit of a cheat seeing how firefighting only features in one brief scene.

While many of the comic set pieces flatline, especially a scene where Hau-Pau and his buddies (Teddy Yip and Clifton Ko) try to cheat a blind friend (James Wong) at mahjong, there are at least a few amusing gags involving the tongue. I'm not sure where exactly this idea originated but seeing how GHOULIES (1985) also featured a seductress with a long killer tongue she uses to strangle someone with, they perhaps got the idea there. The same concept was later used in the obnoxious wanna-be camp horror-comedy The Killer Tongue (1996). When Piu Hung's true self takes shape, she has long red fingernails, teased hair, purple lipstick and crazy eye make-up, so basically she looks like an 80s punk groupie. Except for the vampire teeth. And green blood. And super-stretchy arms.

This Golden Harvest release co-produced by Sammo Hung was available on VHS through Rainbow and Tai Seng. The DVD releases from Fortune Star (as part of their "Legendary Collection") and the Malaysian company Speedy Video both have English subtitle options. Despite being a Ma Wu fan, this isn't one I'm likely to be revisiting.

★★

Double Heat (1986)

Directed by:

David Michel

This obscure 80-minute adult video is divided into two parts and is rather atypical as far as these things go; featuring more story than sex and casting two lead actresses who don't participate in any of the scant hardcore action. I'm including it here because of its first story, which involves an Invisible Man. Up first is Double Heat, which takes up roughly half of the running time. At High Tech Industries, dull and uptight scientist Linda (Alexandra Day) is “on the verge of making an important discovery in the world of physics.” However, she's so involved in her work that she's become antisocial, frigid and an uptight bitch in the process. The fact she won't settle for anything less than someone she deems her intellectual equal doesn't help matters either. Linda's roommate / colleague Julie (Tamara Longley) doesn't have that same problem and keeps herself busy with another coworker named Tony (Robert Bullock) and tries to encourage Linda to put down the science books, loosen up and find herself a lover.

Unbeknownst to her, Linda does have a secret admirer in Ray Stavinski (Richard “Steele” / Karle). Unfortunately, he's about the polar opposite of what she thinks she wants. He's fat, balding, works as a janitor in her building and passes the days sitting in a room flipping through Polaroids of her saying things like “Oh, I love you. I love your hair. I love your eyes. I love your nose. I love your lips. I love your hands. I love your feet...” Ray agrees to work late one night for a coworker and ends up walking into a restricted area of the lab. He enters a glass pod, the doors close, the machines start up and he ends up making himself invisible. He then uses his invisibility to break into Linda's apartment, where he spies on her and causes other problems, especially since he can't keep his hands off the object of his obsession.

After Julie sets Linda up on a blind date with a sleaze ball named Allen (Lee Anthony), Ray cock blocks him by removing a photo of Allen's wife and kids from his wallet and sticking it to his forehead. Since she's already been kissed and touched by someone not even there, Linda eventually just goes along with it and Ray becomes her invisible lover. She goes to see psychotherapist Dr. Kinerd (H. Chris Cristano) to tell him about what's been going on and he recommends she pick the least likely candidate from work to date so she ends up with Ray, anyway. The end. There are some cheap special effects of the invisible man flipping through pictures, pouring himself a drink, etc. plus a scene of Day lying in bed nude writhing around while making love with the air. Strangely, there is just one hardcore scene between Longley and Bullock in front of a fireplace, which is stretched out over two scenes.

Under the name Lindsay Freeman or just "Bibi," the British Day began her career with a January 1976 spread in Penthouse magazine titled “Free as a Breese.” The fact she looked so young in her centerfold and wore a jersey with the number 12 on it caused something of a controversy at the time after Bob Guccione encouraged readers to write in and try to guess her age. Turns out she was actually 19 years old when she took the photos. Still, she used her jail bait notoriety as “Baby Breese” to land other modeling jobs (including the cover of For Men Only with the headline “I can't help it people insist I'm 12!”) and small parts in films like Young Lady Chatterley and Fairy Tales. In the 80s, she dyed her hair blonde, began professionally using the name Alexandra Day and became an even more in-demand men's magazine model plus landed a handful of other roles, including the lead in the original SOV horror BOARDING HOUSE (1982) and a bit in Brian De Palma's Body Double (1984).

Double Heat Part II, which also runs 40 minutes, is next. This segment has no credits but most horror fans will instantly recognize its female star as being none other than Scream Queen Michelle Bauer. Professional gambler Dice Whitaker (Dick Howard) goes to a stable to visit his favorite horse Lucky Star and ends up literally bumping into female jockey Susan O'Maly (Bauer). Though he's a smooth talker and popular with the ladies, Susan's the daughter of the stable owners and is spoiled, snobby and already has a rich older lover who takes good care of her. Not one to give up so easily, he later approaches her having dinner with her parents, makes a 100,000 bet with her father and gives Susan a 1 dollar lottery ticket before heading off. He goes to play poker with some friends, where he loses out on a bet with Jerry Butler to bed cocktail waitress Rita (Lois Ayres), then hits the Vegas casinos with Kimberly Carson to “blow some steam off.” These are the only two hardcore moments in this segment and both are brief and last only about 3 minutes apiece.

Lucky Star turns out to not be so lucky after all and Dice finds himself 78,000 short of being able to pay Mr. O'Maly. He also discovers via a newspaper that the lottery ticket he gave Susan is the winning ticket. Desperate to get it back before she realizes she's won, he breaks into her apartment and starts rummaging through her things. She returns home and he hides under the bed as Mrs. Bauer (who looks just stunning in this one) treats us to some gratuitous nudity as she strips off her clothes, jumps into the shower and then applies makeup in front of a mirror. An intruder breaks in and wrestles Susan onto the bed. Dice assumes they are having sex so he falls asleep. When he wakes up he finds Susan's been bludgeoned to death. This leads to a predictable twist.

Double Heat plays out more like a cheap B movie than a porn. They actually used a script, shot in many different locations and even attempted to do special effects and stylish lighting. If you removed all the explicit shots you'd still end up with a 70 minute movie so maybe at one time it was intended to be released in two different forms. By mainstream standards this isn't very good but by hardcore standards it's fairly ambitious. There are two men who appear mostly in the background in both stories and I assume they are probably the director and producer Dax Anthony, who also made a few other films around this same time with many of the same actors. I'd love to know a bit more about the background of this weird production. There was one VHS release, from L.A. Video in 1986, but that's it to my knowledge.

★★