Escape from the Insane Asylum (1986)

...aka: Night of Horror

Directed by:
Felix Girard

Wealthy, sane Chris Nilsen (Renee Harmon) is being held in a loony bin against her will. Her unfaithful husband Alex (Henry Lewis) and his evil associate Dr. Seymour Harper (Frank Neuhaus), are basically keeping her prisoner there so they can use her money to fund their experiments, which involve unorthodox brain operations on the mentally retarded. Chris' attorney manages to get her out and she rents a country home owned by her former doctor. She's quickly befriended by Harper's wife Ellen (Lynn Whitmire) and it's revealed the home's previous occupant, Inez (Susette Andres), was the husband's former mistress, whom he murdered. It doesn't take long for Chris to start hearing and seeing things, some of which have been planted there by her husband and Harper specifically to drive her bonkers. But I doubt they'd have bothered wasting their time if they knew the place actually already was haunted. A rocking chair rocks by itself, footsteps, voices and sounds of someone cooking are heard, broken dishes disappear off the floor and eventually Chris sees transparent, ghostly visions of Inez, who's hanging out in limbo until she gets justice for her murder.

Just when you don't think it can get any more complicated, a nutter named Paul Peterson (Steven Neuhardt) slashes an orderlies neck, escapes from the asylum and is lurking around the house wearing a black hood. Paul's mother Celeste (Arline Specht) just so happens to be a powerful psychic who helps Chris find out what's going on with help from a ouija board and her friendly ancient spirit guide Julian (!?) If that's not enough for ya, Chris' teenage stepdaughter Becky (Lauren Brent) and her army of big-haired friends go to a party where a New Wave band performs, all try to squeeze into a small hot tub and plan to visit a reputably haunted old farmhouse. Despite some unintentional laughs here and there, especially the opening asylum scenes full of cliched nuttish behavior, it's mostly just dull, inept and confusing. The acting's pretty awful, the story's all over the place and it's mostly just talk and very, very tame. Even the skeleton prop dummy at the end doesn't help alleviate the boredom.

Released in Australia on the Palace Explosive Video label, this extremely obscure shot-on-video effort is noteworthy mainly for the campy presence of Renee Harmon, who speaks in a thick German accent and has some of the strangest and most stilted line delivery in history. Not only an actress, acting and screenwriting teacher and author of five movie-oriented books, Ms. Harmon (who passed away in 2006) also produced and/or wrote a handful of her own starring vehicles throughout the 70s and 80s, including FROZEN SCREAM (1975), LADY STREET FIGHTER (1978; released 1980), THE EXECUTIONER PART II (1984), HELL RIDERS (1984) and the still-unreleaed JUNGLE TRAP (1986). This is another one she both wrote and produced... None too well on any count.

NO STARS!

Escapes (1986)

Directed by:
David Steensland

Young Matthew (Todd Fulton) receives a mysterious videotape in the mail titled, you guessed it, ESCAPES. Hey, it stars Vincent Price, he figures, so how bad can it possibly be? As it turns out, pretty damn bad. A camera goes through a long corridor with plaster people protruding from the walls and ends up focusing on Mr. Price sitting at a table. He informs us we're about to see six tales of the supernatural and then we're off. "A Little Fishy" concerns a man who goes from fishing to being fished. Not. Clever. "Coffee Break" concerns an obnoxious delivery boy (Michael Patton-Hall) who gets lost on some back roads around a tiny town called Harmony; population 29. When he stops to ask an old man (John Mitchum) for directions, he's told to stop at a diner on his way out for a cup of coffee. The delivery guy refuses and notices that no matter which road he takes he always ends up back at the same place... "Who's There" is about a man (Ken Thorley) who encounters playful ape monsters while out jogging through the woods. Next up is "Jonah's Dream," which ironically gave me a little escape of my own last night when I fell asleep trying to watch it.

After some much-needed shut eye, I decided to go ahead and finish. Hey, maybe I was just too grumpy and tired last night to find something to appeciate here. Turns out I was wrong... There actually is nothing to appreciate here. "Jonah's Dream" - the tale of a widowed, financially-strapped gold prospector's wife (Shirley O'Key) who finds some spaceship in a abandoned mine - was just as dull as what had preceeded it. "Think Twice," which involves a big city bum (Gil Reade) finding a magical, red-glowing crystal that helps him get revenge on a mugger (Rocky Capella), is strictly ho-hum. Things wrap up with "Hall of Faces," which tells the fate of Matthew and "The Mailman" (Price). Here we finally, get an imaginative twist that doesn't come off like third rate imitation of a Twilight Zone episode, but it's too little, too late.

The five tales sandwiched in the middle (which were used as program filled on both HBO and the Sci-Fi Channel while they were still in their infancy) and the linking footage run just 69 minutes. For the record, I did not see the "director's cut" which apparently adds sixteen minutes of new footage. Supposedly Price was paid 10 thousand dollars for his participation in this, so hopefully he was able to put that to good use.

★1/2

La rebelión de las muertas (1972)

... aka: Rebellion of the Dead
... aka: Rebellion of the Dead Women
... aka: Revolt of the Dead Ones
... aka: Vengeance of the Zombies
... aka: Walk of the Dead

Directed by:
León Klimovsky

Oh, Paul Naschy. I like ya and everything, but sometimes you just bite off more than you can chew. Here we have the bones of a fine little voodoo / zombie exploitation movie, with a handful of well-directed and surprisingly potent shock scenes, some of the brightest, most amusingly gaudy colors this side of H.G. Lewis and just enough blood and nudity to please the target audience (Eurotrash enthusiasts). But it really could have been so much better and at the end of the day the debits mainly fall into Mr. Naschy's corner... and I'm not just talking about him being hilariously cast as an East Indian mystic wearing a bad wig under his turban, either. That I can actually live with. What I couldn't deal with is the unfocused and woefully convoluted screenplay provided to us by the star/writer. An irritatingly inappropriate score provided by Juan Carlos Calderón certainly doesn't help matters.

In London, a masked, caped serial killer is on the loose and his female victims don't seem to stay dead for very long. After her father is hung, another relative is axed in the face and zombified cousin Gloria (Norma Kastel) attacks her in her bedroom one night, Elvire Irving (Romy) comes to the conclusion it's probably best to hop a train and split town a.s.a.p. While a male acquaintance, Lawrence Redgrave ("Vic Winner"/ Víctor Alcázar), stays to assist Scotland Yard detectives Hawkins (Antonio Pica) and Basehart (Ramón Lillo), Elvire decides to go stay in a country home owned by Krisna (Naschy), a peaceful Hindu mystic whose teachings she's recently become infatuated with. Also living there are black chaffeur Ti Zachary (Pierre Besari), maids Elsie (Maria Kosty) and Susan (Elsa Zabala) and Krisna's assistant and lover Kala (Catherine Zeta Jones look-a-like Mirta Miller), who feels threatened by the new woman in the house.

It is eventually revealed that the psycho who's running around London killing people is Krisna's brother, Katanka (also played by Naschy). Katanka raped and murdered a woman in India, was hunted down by some visiting Brits and then was torched in his home. Now with a burned face, Katanka wants revenge against those who tried to kill him by turning the family's most beautiful daughters into zombies that help assist him in killing the others. He also utilizes wax voodoo dolls to control people or make them kill themselves. There are too many incidental characters and the film just plods along from one incoherent scene to the next until deciding to finally start making sense an hour plus into the movie.

But it's all very vividly photographed (by Francisco Sánchez) and there are some great scenes in here that make it worth watching. My favorite bit is a nightmare sequence where Elvire envisions herself as sacrifice during a black mass ritual complete with a chicken getting its head cut off, zombies rising from their coffins and a horned Satan (Naschy once again). There's also a great scene where a train station worker (Luis Ciges) is forced to cut his own throat and a memorable decaptitation. The zombie make-up is more in line with pale voodoo zombies instead of the rotting zombies we normally see today. Also in the cast are Aurora de Alba (the vampire woman from FRANKENSTEIN'S BLOODY TERROR) as a nude victim / future muerta and Montserrat Julió and Fernando Sánchez Polack as grave robbers.

Released in a cut version several times on VHS (through All Seasons Entertainment, Vogue Video, etc.), the uncensored DVD release from Deimos (a beautiful print of the film which comes with an intro from Naschy and other cool features) is pretty much the only way to go now.

★★

Invitation to Hell (1984) (TV)

Directed by:

Wes Craven

After ten years of struggling to get by, the Winslow family are finally starting to move up in the world. Dad Matt (Robert Urich) has landed a lucrative position with Micro-Digitech, where he'll be in charge of designing a heat-resistent space suit that may be used for a future trip to Venus. Destressed mom Patricia (Joanna Cassidy) will finally be able to relax and redecorate, while computer-wiz son Robbie (Barret Oliver, THE NEVERENDING STORY) and young daughter Chrissy ("Punky Brewster" Soleil Moon-Frye) will be able to live in a decent neighborhood for a change. The happy family of four move into their comfortable new home and are welcomed by Matt's former college chum Tom Ferguson (Joe Regalbuto) - who's also employed by the same company - his wife Mary (grown-up "Bad Seed" Patty McCormack) and their kids. With good money rolling in and good friends living nearby, it seems like the recipe for suburban bliss. But things aren't quite what they seem at work, with intense pressure coming from Matt's boss Mr. Thompson (Kevin McCarthy) and nearly all of his co-workers (including Tom and family) to join something called "The Club."

.

Everyone who's someone in the area seem to be members of the Steaming Springs Country Club, a sprawling resort complete with a large gym, garden, pool and golf course and run by the glamorous Jessica Jones (Susan Lucci). While Patricia finds herself seduced by the charming Ms. Jones, Matt himself is more reluctant. The fact he's just not a "joiner" combined with the sheer amount of strange coercing going on is making him a wee bit apprehensive. The strange disappearance of his secretary Grace (Virginia Vincent), who tried to warn him about something before she was mysteriously replaced by a younger, sexier model, compounds his worries. And after his wife and children start behaving strangely immediately after becoming members, Matt's dead set on getting to the bottom of things. During a clumsy opening sequence, we've already bore witness to Jessica getting run over by a car, popping back up unscathed and then frying the guy who hit her, so we already know she's not quite human. In fact, she's actually Satan herself and the club's sauna (which requires a "666" pass code to enter) is housed on top a portal that leads directly to Hell!

.

I've gotta give this made-for-TV effort credit for going in a bizarre direction I wasn't expecting. By the end, we have our hero dressed in a heat-resistent astronaut suit traversing matte hell to try to locate his family, who have been replaced by evil doubles on Earth but are being held prisoner behind blue forcefields in the alternate realm! There are pinches of INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (the casting of McCarthy is a definite wink) and THE STEPFORD WIVES here, and though it's hokey at times, the premise and setting (a Silicone Valley type area) open up a world of metaphoric possibilities. Richard Rothstein's script manages to touch on the loss of identity when venturing into the corporate machine, the anonymity and materialism of high end suburban living, how professional success can take a toll on relationships with our spouses and children, how individuality is often frowned upon (if not completely stamped out) the higher up the food chain you go and, of course, corporate/big business dishonesty.

.

The performances are uniformly good here. Urich (who passed away in 2002) gives a winning and very likable central performance as a man insistent on not compromising himself or his principles simply because he's financially better off. Soap opera bitch queen Lucci is cleverly cast (a bit campy at times, but that's OK here) and there are small roles played by Nicholas Worth (from Craven's HILLS HAVE EYES PART II) as a sheriff, familiar character actor Bill Erwin as a veterinarian, Billy Beck as a mover and Michael Berryman, who can be seen for about three seconds walking up a flight of stairs. Dean Cundey was the cinematographer.

.

There was a video release from Sony, and a 2003 DVD release from Artisan.

★★1/2

Man Who Could Cheat Death, The (1959)

Directed by:

Terence Fisher

Dr. Georges Bonnet (Anton Diffring), a talented sculptor and brilliant surgeon, seems awfully well-educated and worldly for someone in their mid 30s. That's because he's not actually in his mid 30s... he just looks it. Actually, Georges is 104 years old. Seventy years earlier, he and his now-elderly colleague, Prof. Ludwig Weiss (Arnold Marle), came up with a way to prolong life and youth with glandular transplants that must be administered every ten years. While Ludwig decided to simply let age run its course, Georges allowed himself to be the guinea pig. He's even concocted a special serum that can temporarily keep him alive while he waits for a new transplant. If he doesn't get the new gland, his face turns yellow, seventy years worth pain and agony flood him all at once... and someone else usually ends up dying. Every ten years, Georges relocates to a new city to begin a new chapter in his life, but the lonliness associated with living forever is finally starting to catch up to him.

Now in Paris, Georges is reunited with Janine Dubois (Hazel Court), a beautiful young woman he'd met and fell in love with years earlier but abandoned before things could get too serious. Janine has moved on with her life and is now casually dating Dr. Pierre Gerard (a very serious Christopher Lee), but finds old feelings resurfacing once again now that Georges is back in the picture. Problems arise when Ludwig shows up for their annual operation and, having suffered a crippling stroke, is unable to perform the necessary surgery. Ludwig, as well as Police Inspector LeGris (Francis De Wolff) are also curious about a string of missing models left in Georges wake, including his most recent lover, Margo (Delphi Lawrence).

It's a pretty predictable story (scripted by Jimmy Sangster and based on a Barre Lyndon play that was already filmed in 1945 as THE MAN IN HALF MOON STREET), but as per Hammer Studio's usual, the whole thing looks great. Mostly set indoors, the turn-of-the-century Paris setting is fairly well established through art direction and costumes (certainly not the British and thick German accents). It's also very colorfully photographed (by Jack Asher) and nicely scored (by Richard Bennett), but it's really the solid cast that keeps the whole thing on track since this is very much a dialogue-driven film. Diffring (who'd previously acted in the failed TV pilot TALES OF FRANKENSTEIN for Hammer) does a great job as the conflicted, ageless doctor who ultimately only has his best own interests in mind. His fear of death is so consuming that it's maddening, and he doesn't care who is taken out in the process. Marle gives a wonderful supporting performances and Court is a warm and appealing heroine. Lee, on the other hand, is so uptight and stuffy in his atypical hero role that he's completely overshadowed by the other three stars. Michael Ripper also has a typically tiny role as a morgue attendant.

.

A "European version" of the film was released overseas that featured a brief topless scene with Court, which may be the first instance of mainstream nudity filmed in the UK. Neither the video or DVD release (from Legend Films) contain the nude shot.

★★1/2

Girly (1969)

...aka: Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny and Girly

Directed by:

Freddie Francis

The popular idea of an entire deranged family (or surrogate family unit) seems to have really taken off in the 1970s with the release of such films as THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974) and THE HILLS HAVE EYES (1977) and continues strong to this day. Before those, we had Jack Hill's wonderfully twisted SPIDER BABY (1964; released in 1968) and this equally bizarre British effort from renowned cinematographer and frequent genre director Freddie Francis. At a secluded manor, a joyous, very wealthy family of four; matriarch Mumsy (Ursula Howells), daughter Girly (Vanessa Howard), son Sonny (Howard Trevor) and housemaid Nanny (Pat Heywood), seem to shy away from normal household conventions. They believe in simple pleasures such as play time, knitting, trips to the park and zoo and tea in the afternoon; always opening their home to new "friends" along the way. The problem? They're all homicidal maniacs and the "friends" (usually bums, drunks or others whose disappearances may not be a priority to police) are eventually murdered when they wear out their welcome or threaten to leave! Into the home comes their latest guest, known only as New Friend (Michael Bryant), who is blamed for the death of his drunken date (Imogen Hassall) after a lethal (and non-accidental) fall from a playground slide. But New Friend isn't about to be "sent to the angels" without putting up a fight, and tries to manipulate the ladies in the house into turning on one another.

Based on the play Happy Family by Maisie Mosco (adapted for the screen by Brian Comport), this is a fairly original black comic horror film with effective performances, plenty of surprises and a very sick sense of humor. The shocking antics of the family are relayed with a very casual and nonchalant touch by the actors, which makes the humor all the more ghoulish. A good example is when Mum finds a head boiling in a pot on the stove and turns to her daughter, saying "Girly!" with that motherly tone a parent reserves for their child when they do or say something surprising, yet amusing. Another interesting touch (which is likely a homage to PEEPING TOM) is that Sonny films the murders, which the whole family watch later on as a normal family would their vacation videos.

All of the actors are good (Michael Ripper also has a throwaway cameo as a zookeeper), but the clear standout is little-known British actress Howard. As the provocative, emotionally-stunted Girly (a grown woman stuck at about age 7), Howard creates a character worth remembering; fluctuating between child-like innocent, finger-sucking jailbait seductress (a la LOLITA) and dangerous psychopath with astonishing ease. It's a shame that the attractive and clearly talented actress had such a short-lived career that lasted only about five years. Supposedly, she became disillusioned when several of her latest pictures (including this one and the 1971 psycho-thriller WHAT BECAME OF JACK AND JILL?) barely got released. She also appeared in BLOOD BEAST TERROR (1968), CORRUPTION (1968) and the TV-movie THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY (1973) before throwing in the towel, would go on to marry Oscar-winning producer Robert Chartoff (RAGING BULL, ROCKY) and start a family.

Released on video in the 1980s on the Prism label, GIRLY is unfortunately not on DVD as of yet. Scorpion Releasing have announced a 2010 release. If that happens, this will likely pick up a nice-sized and much-deserved cult following.

★★★

Undertaker, The (1988)

...aka: Death Merchant, The

Directed by:

Franco De Stefanino

The last hurrah for character actor Joe Spinell, who appeared in everything from THE GODFATHER (1972) and ROCKY (1976) to TAXI DRIVER (1976) and CRUISING (1980) yet remains best known to us horror buffs for producing, writing and starring in the gory 80s psycho flick MANIAC (1980). Spinell wanted to do a sequel to that film and even shot a 10-minute promo with Buddy Giovinazzo (COMBAT SHOCK) in 1986. While he and the director searched for funding, Joe appeared in a half dozen other films to help pay the bills. This was one of those... and it turned out to be his final film performance. After securing the funding for MANIAC 2, Spinell was found dead in his apartment in January 1989 of undetermined causes that people still speculate about to this day. But the question remains: Is THE UNDERTAKER an enjoyable final showcase for the late, great actor? I'd say yes and no. It's a cheap and uneven exploitation flick and Spinell certainly deserved better material than this, but it's also quite fun and I can't say that I was ever bored watching it. Spinell seems in pretty bad health throughout and some of his dialogue is unintelligible, but he does gets to sob a lot and do those great bug-eyed intense looks while killing, which will instantly bring MANIAC to mind.

Roscoe Holland (Spinell) is an undertaker who runs his own funeral parlor alongside his completely oblivious, borderline-senile wife Hazel (Martha Somoeman). Roscoe's also a serial killer who stalks, attacks and kills young women, indulging in necro fantasies with the corpses, which he keeps stored in a special room in the cellar. Roscoe's orphaned nephew Nicholas (Patrick Askin) has vague memories of being sexually abused as a child by his uncle and suspects he's up to no good. The only person he has to confide in is his anthropology professor, Pamela Hayes (Rebecca Yaron). When Nicholas gets too nosy, he's knocked out, gagged, tied up and kept prisoner in the celler and when he isn't heard from again, Pamela and her roommate Mandy (Susan Bachli) start doing some investigating of their own. Some detectives, led by Inspector Barry (William James Kennedy, who wrote this), are also on the case.

Sufficient amounts of blood and gore? Check. High body count? Check. Sex and nudity? Check. Moderately fast pace? Check. Thoroughly depraved psycho killer? Check. I'd say this B-grade slasher pretty much does what it's expected to do. The dialogue's a bit cheesy, but that's just part of the fun, and while the supporting cast is mostly amateurish, the actors are likable and natural enough not to annoy. The main problem is that all available prints of the film are in God awful condition. The one I saw looked like a third generation VHS dupe.

Strangely, enough footage was filmed to release this in two drastically different forms. This one, and one titled THE DEATH MERCHANT (which was released in 1991). In the latter, Spinell's character targets females who do aerobics and work out. Code Red announced they'd be releasing this on DVD in 2008, but it hasn't happened yet.

★★