Prom Night III: The Last Kiss (1990)

... aka: Baile de Formatura III (Graduation Dance III)
... aka: Dernier baiser avant l'enfer (Last Kiss Before Hell)
... aka: El último beso (The Last Kiss)
... aka: Escuela de terror (School of Terror)
... aka: Noche de graduación 3 El último beso (Graduation Night 3: The Last Kiss)
... aka: Prom Night 3
... aka: Suudelma ennen kuolemaa (Kiss Before Death)

Directed by:
Ron Oliver
Peter Simpson

I've noticed that many fans of the pretty straightforward slasher Prom Night (1980) didn't much care for the more comedic / supernatural route the first sequel, HELLO MARY LOU: PROM NIGHT II (1987), took. Well, bad news for you if that's the case cause Mary Lou's back. Shackled up in torn stockings and forced to do an eternal Rockettes-style dance in hell (?), Mary Lou (Courtney Taylor) manages to saw through her chain with a nail file. Next thing we know, her tombstone blows up and she's back at her old haunt, Hamilton High School, and ready to indulge in a comic-gore killing spree with her array of corny, Freddy-inspired one-liners. "Mama said I'd be a heart breaker," she smirks after electrocuting the overnight janitor with a jukebox until his pacemaker explodes. Unlike with entry #2, where Mary Lou was resurrected wanting both revenge for her fiery death and to finally get the prom queen crown she was denied in 1957, in this entry she just wants... love.

Alex Grey (Tim Conlon) is your average high school student. Average height, average shoe size, average intellect, average looks, average athlete and as colorless as his last name. The only above average thing about him is that he somehow happens to be dating the beautiful "nerd" Sarah Monroe (Cyndy Preston). Alex's goal is to go to medical school, but due to a lack of drive and his C-grade high school career, bitchy guidance counselor Miss Richards (Lesley Kelly) recommends he look into fast food or janitorial work instead. Aside from that, the biggest drama in his life is deciding whether to spend the summer on a farm with Sarah or go on a road trip with his curiously possessive best friend, Shane (David Stratton). That is until a late night trip to the high school to retrieve his books finds him bumping into Mary Lou, which leads to a fall down the stairs and then sex on top of an American flag. Mary Lou's found her man.

In order to improve Alex's chances at success, Mary Lou starts doing nice things like changing failing test scores and trying to get him off of the second string on the football team. Problem is, she can't help but kill anyone who gets in her way. After he gives Alex a failing grade, she kills his biology teacher (former Canadian heavyweight boxing champ George Chuvalo) with ice cream cones and a hand mixer (!) and then turns him into an ice cream sundae. When Alex ends up on the top of the honor roll and threatens to join other "yuppies in training," Miss Richards decides to investigate. She's intercepted by Mary Lou, who kills her with battery acid out of a hairdryer while pretending to be Madge from the Palmolive commercials. (That joke's dated really well!) And when detestable jock Andrew (Dylan Neal) petitions to remove all "dweebs, dorks and geeks" from the football team, he's killed by a football that turns into a drill. Mary Lou uses her seductive charms on Alex until he tires of always having to clean up her mess. Besides, there's only so much room on the football field to bury corpses.

Having already estranged both his girlfriend and his best bud, Alex decides to call things off with Mary Lou, but she isn't going to go away that easily. Instead of helping Alex, she turns even nastier and starts stalking and terrorizing him, plus threatens his family and kills off his friends, turning this into a sort of supernatural Fatal Attraction ("If I can't have you, nobody can!"). She shows up on a TV as a newscaster and in a "social disease" scare film being screened in sex ed class and impersonates Alex's kid sister (Juno Mills Cockell) to seduce and then rips out Shane's heart. After the buried corpses are discovered and neighbors spot Alex leaving Shane's house after he's been killed, the police hunt down and arrest Alex. Mary Lou kills two cops and springs him from jail long enough for the big finale, which takes place in hell.

From the style of the murder sequences and hallucinations to the leads entering Mary Lou's colorfully-lit alternate domain right down to equipping Mary Lou with retractable claw-like fingernails (she also sometimes boasts a burnt face), this has clearly been heavily influenced by the then-insanely-popular Nightmare on Elm Street series. Mary Lou is basically positioned here to become some kind of female heir to the Freddy Krueger throne. She always finds some kind of creative (usually silly) supernatural way to kill and always follows that up with a "witty" one-liner.

While this continues on in the spirit of the second film, it's not as good and there are a number of reasons why. First, while part two gave Mary Lou plenty of amusing dialogue, it was mostly out-of-place 50s lingo used in a contemporary setting and clever, sarcastic lines instead of the hokey quips used here. Second, Mary Lou was portrayed as sophisticated and intelligently evil in the previous entry, while here she comes off like an immature, spoiled brat. And then there's the change in the physical look of Mary Lou. Part 2's Lisa Schrage was an elegant, classical beauty, while here Mary Lou is more of a heavily made-up, voluptuous 50s pin up type. That isn't really a big deal except for the fact Taylor isn't nearly as good in the role as Schrage or Wendy Lyon, who played the character possessed by Mary Lou in the previous film.

There's more humor here but it's very hit-or-miss and sometimes rather embarrassing. Worst of all are the constant dumb lines read over the intercom at the high school ("Attention girl's weight lifting team, the clinic on facial hair removal will be held in the east gym"). What's doubly annoying is that this film didn't even need any of that as the casual banter between the normal characters was fairly well-written and amusing all on its own, more so than the overt, forced comedy elements. It's also pretty much impossible to like the lead character. I can almost deal with him covering up the murders, but to then have the audacity to cheat on, lie to and mistreat Cyndy Preston? Unforgivable! Speaking of Preston, her casting as an unpopular, undesirable girl whose only other prom date option is the biggest nerd at school (who's obnoxious to boot) is a very hard sell. And the fact she even tolerates Alex's shit to begin with ("I don't get mad, I bake."), let alone goes to hell to try to save him / get him back, is even sillier than the jukebox slinging razor-sharp 45's.

On the plus side, things move along fairly quickly and they've packed this with plenty of entertaining nonsense. The production design and lighting used to turn the high school into a hell landscape at the finale was fairly well-done. You also get a nightmare featuring zombies, more (talking) zombies in hell, Preston running around with a flamethrower torching said zombies, a hair metal band performing a terrible song called "Do the Bump N Grind," a finger accidentally cut off with scissors, several unfortunate rap songs and a bunch of attempts to try to convince us this is an American production instead of a Canadian one filmed in Toronto.

Also in the cast are Roger Dunn (who voiced the dad on the Beetlejuice animated series) as the principal, Jeremy Ratchford (Junior:A Cut Above) as a nerd and Brock Simpson (who appears in all four Prom Night films) as a police officer. Co-director Simpson, producer Ray Sager and composer Paul Zaza all returned to work on the next sequel: Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil (1991). It drops the Mary Lou character in favor of a killer priest and returns to a more routine slasher formula a la the original. The full screen copy I viewed, which looks no better than a decent VHS transfer, was the 2003 DVD distributed by Alliance Atlantis Home Video out of Canada. I don't know if the other DVD releases look any better or not.

★★

Teen Wolf Too (1987)

...aka: Teen Wolf 2

Directed by:

Christopher Leitch

Producer Kent Bateman (who had directed the schlocky gore flick THE HEADLESS EYES for porn producer Henri Pachard back in 1971) gave his son Jason Bateman (then a popular teen heartthrob from the Valerie TV series, which was also produced by Kent) the lead in this sequel. Thanks dad! Jason plays Todd Howard, cousin of the character played by Michael J. Fox in the original, a college student (studying crustacean reproduction?!) and amateur boxer, who wins the girl of his dreams and in the ring thanks in part to becoming a werewolf. Lifeless, unfunny and annoying rehash of the original; just another one of those films made to squeeze some more money out of an idea that wasn't any good in the first place. It also wastes perfectly good supporting players James Hampton and Mark Holton (both repeating his role from the original), Kim Darby, John Astin and Kathleen Freeman. Daddy Bateman also backed the film MOVING TARGET (which was made for TV) and produced and directed BREAKING THE RULES (which wasn't) for his son to star in.

NO STARS!

Teen Wolf (1985)

Directed by:

Rod Daniel

Michael J. Fox (just then starting to get huge because of the Family Ties TV series) stars as Scott, a teenager who learns that he is among a long line of werewolves. His dad (James Hampton) is also one but has managed to conceal it all these years. It takes a while for Scott to become used to the wolf tendencies, but he eventually uses them to both snag attractive girls and help his high school during their annual basketball championship. A surprise box-office hit, this corny, stupid and completely predictable teen comedy opened the floodgates for dozens of similar films mixing horror elements, brain-dead teen comedy and a "feel good" message that saturated the market in the mid/late 80s. And that's something difficult to forgive. Not only was it popular enough to have scores of immitations, it also spawned an animated TV series and an even-worse sequel starring fellow TV star Jason Bateman. Showtime later reworked the same idea for a kids movie called BIG AND HAIRY. Alright, stop snickering.

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The cast includes Mark Holton as typical overweight comic relief named (ugh) Chubby, Lorie Griffin (CHEERLEADER CAMP), Doug Savant (who'd go on to star on the TV shows Melrose Place and Desperate Housewives), Scott Paulin, Elizabeth Gorcey (ICED), Troy Evans as a basketball coach, Richard Domeier (EVIL DEAD II), Jim McKrell and Playboy Playmate Lynda Wiesmeier.

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Pointless trivia bit: Pay special attention to a scene in the high school gym where a hired extra actually briefly flashes his manhood before the camera.

Score: 3 out of 10

Final Exam (1981)

Directed by:

Jimmy Huston

Is this an exposé on how juvenile mentality, hazing insensitivity and substance abuse plague college campuses around the country? Actually, no it’s not. It’s just a terrible slasher film about bunch of worthless, blabbermouth college kids sitting around and behaving brain dead for about an hour before the director shows us some mercy by throwing a psychotic killer into the mix. Only the most dedicated of slasher fans will have the patience to endure this notoriously boring exercise in repeat false alarms, college hijinks, endless talk that amounts to nothing and dull, gore-free murders from a motiveless and identity-free killer.

Score: 2 out of 10

Dr. Alien (1989)

...aka: I Was a Teenage Sex Maniac

...aka: I Was a Teenage Sex Mutant

Directed by:

David DeCoteau

T&A heavy teen sex comedies were extremely popular during the 80s. I guess we have the PORKY'S series to thank for that. There were also a large number of films made during this time about high school aged boys having their sexual awakening at the hands of older and more experienced female seductresses. I guess that's the price we had to pay for PRIVATE LESSONS becoming a surprise hit. Toward the middle of the decade, Stuart Gordon's H.P. Lovecraft films, horror strongly based in science (and science fiction), were also wildly popular. I can just imagine the genesis for this little B-movie epic happening right now. Billy Jacoby (real name: Billy Jayne) stars as Wesley Littejohn, a geeky, unpopular, conservatively dressed college freshman who still lives at home with his parents (Arlene Golonka and Jim Hackett) and bratty kid brother (real-life brother Bobby Jacoby). Wes is frequently bullied and as a result is having a difficult time finding the platform to exert his masculinity and impress the snobby campus cuties. A blue, huge-eyed, big-headed alien disguises itself as a sexy science professor named Ms. Xenobia (Judy Landers) and starts using Wesley in her experiments; transforming him from a geek into a dreamboat (basically all he does is take off his glasses and joins a rock band). A snake-like pineal gland pops out of his fore head (just like in FROM BEYOND) and before he knows it women are suddenly ripping their clothes off at the mere sight of him. So where does this leave the sweet, squeaky-voiced girl (Olivia Barash) who liked Wesley the way he was before?

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If DR. ALIEN is remembered for anything it'll be for the record number of exploitation movie actresses dropping by for cameos. Porn queen Ginger Lynn Allen (who'd just retired from the adult film business to try to make it as a 'serious" actress"), well-known Scream Queen Linnea Quigley and the lesser-known Laura Albert (who is primarily a stuntwoman but also put in her fair share of late 80s/early 90s cheese movie appearances) are members of a female rock band called "The Tangpoons." They show up to dance topless in one of Wesley's dreams and also perform a song at a club at the finale. When Wesley stumbles into a locker room, he's literally mobbed by an army of female fitness fanatics led by veteran sexpot Edy Williams. Also showing up in this scene are Michelle Bauer (another major Scream Queen during this time) and Karen Russell. Elizabeth Kaitan is the only one to keep her clothes on, appearing briefly as a waitress. In addition to them, Raymond O'Connor mugs his way through his role as the alien's assistant, Troy Donahue plays the biology teacher Ms. Xenobia replaces and Stuart Fratkin plays Wesley's equally unpopular best friend.
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Jacoby lipsynching to "Killer Machine" by The Sex Mutants.

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Silly as this all is, it's definitely one of DeCoteau's better films. There are some laughs, Jacoby is an appealing lead, the cameos are fun, the music is good, the alien design is hilarious and it's all fast-paced, performed with enthusiasm and gaudily colorful. In other words, a fine B film that doesn't pretend to be more than it is.

★★1/2

My Mom's a Werewolf (1989)

Directed by:

Michael Fischa

A bored, lonely, vegetarian housewife and mother (Susan Blakely) meets a charming, handsome, meat-loving pet shop owner (John Saxon) and they hit it off, until a bite to the toe (?!) turns her into a wolf creature. It's up to her teen daughter (Katrina Caspary - Teen Witch) and her monster movie loving pal (Diana Barrows - Friday the 13th Part VII) to break the curse and return mom back into her old self again. This very silly PG-rated horror comedy basically fits right in with all the other stupid mid/late 80s teen-oriented horror comedies that suddenly seemed to flood the market. It's full of groan-worthy puns and one-liners (the mom wonders if she should go live in a "were-house" at one point... har har har), guest appearances and lousy special effects (the werewolf makeup here is pretty minimal) and yet it will still probably adequately entertain young children and teens. The cast seems to be having a pretty good time, especially Blakely and Saxon. There are a couple of amusing moments (Saxon eating a rat, whipping out plastic silverware in a restaurant, etc.) and there's a pretty fun Halloween party scene at the very end. The cast includes John Schuck as Blakely's neglectful, workaholic husband, Ruth Buzzi as a gypsy fortune teller, singer Marilyn McCoo, Marcia Wallace and an uncredited cameo by Forrest J. Ackerman.

★★

Night Visitor (1989)

...aka: Never Cry Devil

Directed by:

Rupert Hitzig

High school student Billy Colton (Derek Rydall), living at home with single mom Brooke Bundy, develops a crush on sexy new next door neighbor Lisa (Shannon Tweed). Meanwhile, a hooded Satanist serial killer is offing prostitutes. The killer turns out to be an asshole high school science teacher (Allen Garfield), Lisa turns out to be a hooker and, because he has a history of lying and being a trouble-maker, no one believes Billy when he witnesses her getting killed. He finally convinces a cynical former detective (Elliott Gould) and a couple of his friends (Teresa Vander Woude, who is secretly in love with our hero, and Scott Fults, the nerdy third-wheel) to help. Michael J. Pollard is his usual weird ass self as Garfield's goofy Satanist brother, Richard Roundtree is the investigating police chief and Teri Weigel (who, like Tweed, started her career in the pages of Playboy magazine) gets some practice for her later descent into porn by playing a kidnapped topless hooker kept prisoner in the basement of Garfield's home. There's also a supremely cheesy teen love montage (complete with a matching groan-inducing ballad) and the horror music score is one of the most annoying, loud and overbearing Omen-type chanting scores imaginable.

Horror fans will probably be disappointed with a half-assed script that bounces from drippy teen romantic melodrama to high school comedy and back to horror with too much regularity; the latter being partially ruined when the aforementioned grating music is played. However, it's reasonably well acted (what a fantastic B-movie cast, huh?) and has a couple of good scenes and ideas.

★★

My Best Friend Is a Vampire (1987)

... aka: I Was a Teenage Vampire
... aka: Teenage Vampire

Directed by:

Jimmy Huston

Seldom talked about by horror fans and horror historians (and rightfully so), this belongs in the company of Teen Wolf, Teen Witch, My Mom's a Werewolf, The Invisible Kid (I can't go on!) and others as the late 80s reemergence of tame horror comedies marketed toward a teen audience. Hey, it happened once before in the late 1950s, spearheaded by the success of I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF, and since Ronald Reagan was in office and this country was starting to regress back to "decent morals" and "family values" territory once again, it only seems fitting. While this isn't much, it's easily one of the best of the bunch thanks to an amiable lead performance from likable Robert Sean Leonard (one year before getting some critical attention for the syrupy melodrama Dead Poet's Society) and some amusing mugging from a solid supporting cast (Rene Auberjonois, David Warner and Paul Willson are especially funny). If being a teenager wasn't hard enough, young Jeremy Capello (Leonard) also has to cope with his newly acquired vampire traits after being bit by a sexy bloodsucker (played by Cecilia Peck, the daughter of Gregory). It's all harmless, silly comedy for the kiddies who should probably be watching stuff like this instead of movies like Friday the 13th. I didn't, and look how I turned out.

NIGHT OF THE DEMONS fans keep your eyes peeled for Mimi (now Amelia) Kinkade, who can be spotted in a bar.

★★