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Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Tentacoli (1977)

... aka: Der Polyp - Die Bestie mit den Todesarmen (The Polyp – The Beast with Death Arms)
... aka: Dödens tentakler (Death Tentacles)
... aka: Kæmpeblæksprutten (Giant Octopus)
... aka: Tentacles

Directed by:
"Oliver Hellman" (Ovidio G. Assonitis)

In the small coastal town of Solana Beach, California, the annual junior "yacht race" (actually a sailboat race) is just days away when something (read: a giant octopus) starts gobbling up the locals left and right. First on the menu is 10-month-old Baby Billy, who probably didn't stand much of a chance anyway considering his dumb-as-dishwater mother leaves him sitting alone by the water in a stroller while she runs off to gossip with a friend. Next up, a peg-legged fisherman disappears and his mangled corpse later turns up to stop an obese teenage girl from raping her disinterested date on a dock. (I'm not joking.) And then two divers go down to check out the status of some underwater cables and don't come back. They and other corpses are quickly filling up the morgue and all are stripped down to the bone and with all the marrow sucked out. Sheriff Rolands (Claude Akins) is at a loss what to do but he's apparently never seen a monster movie before. One should always check to see what kind of unethical corporation is in the area and what they're up to first and then go from there. In this case, it's a company drilling through the ocean floor with experimental new equipment as they attempt to build an underground tunnel.







The only thing that really separates this poorly-made, by-the-numbers and rather dull killer animal flick from others of its type is its surprisingly upscale cast. John Huston (two-time Oscar winner for The Treasure of the Sierra Madre) receives top billing playing former “big city journalist” Ned Turner, who's recently retired to the small, quiet community to work at the local paper and live with his sister, Tillie. Though Huston is rightfully better known as a filmmaker he also wasn't a bad actor, which he proves here by managing to get through the proceeding without embarrassing himself. The same cannot be said for most of his co-stars. His sister Tillie is played by another two-time Oscar winner - Shelley Winters - and while she does kind of embarrass herself (the ten gallon sombrero doesn't help matters) it's in that great Shelley Winters kinda way. She deserves some credit for at least bringing some kind of energy / entertainment value here as she camps it up as an over-the-hill barfly and nagging, overbearing single mom who starts each morning with a Bloody Mary and spends every evening trying to pick up a random stud from the local bar... Or so we hear, we never actually get to see that last part, unfortunately.







The other big name this picture was sold on the back of was Henry Fonda. It's hard to imagine watching Fonda here (he's awful!) that he'd go on to win his own pair of Oscars a few years down the line, but that's exactly what happened. His character, Mr. Whitehead, is the president of Trojan Tunnels Inc.; the company responsible for unleashing the giant octopus in the first place by using high radio frequencies “well beyond the legal limit.” Fonda has minimal screen time in this one because he was still in the process of recovering from a major heart surgery. Supposedly his three brief scenes were all filmed in a single day, which probably explains why they let a flubbed line slide through. Fonda also isn't really the main bad guy as he's oblivious to what's going on with his own company while his second-in-command, John Corey (Cesare Danova) is overseeing the entire project. Danova comes off even worse than Fonda here thanks to being the lucky recipient of a horribly wooden over-dub.







After several corpses are found, Huston's character runs off and recruits Will Gleason (Bo Hopkins), the best “marine expert” in the area. Will's clingy wife Vicky (Delia Boccardo) unsuccessfully tries to talk him out of getting involved but then expresses no opposition to her own sister Judy (Sherry Buchanan) going into dangerous waters on a snorkeling pleasure cruise with two of her male friends, including rotund Italian comedian Franco Diogene. When Judy doesn't come back, Vicky charters a ship (late at night, of course) to look for her and is killed along with the crew when the octopus crashes into and sinks their ship. After the carnivorous calamari turns a children's boat race into an all-you-can-eat buffet, Will and his colleague Mike (Alan Boyd) take two killer whales out to some caves where the monster lurks in hopes of killing it.







Mostly awful acting, terrible dialogue, a bland / entirely rehashed sub-Jaws plot, not nearly enough octopus action, poorly-directed and suspense-free attack scenes and no notable special effects to speak of sink this lame creature feature pretty quickly. The only things bringing it to occasional life are some interesting directorial flourishes, including a long unbroken crane shot that's surprisingly well executed, plus some decent underwater photography. The poorly-edited attack sequence on the kids, which features an astoundingly awkward use of freeze frames, is also memorable... though I'm not sure for the right reasons. Stelvio Cipriani contributed a bizarre score to the proceedings (which was released as a soundtrack album) and the big finale, consisting of two plastic whale dolls ripping apart a (real) dead octopus while our heroes float around and watch, is one of the least exciting endings I've ever seen to one of these films.

I beg to differ!

I bet they made a ton off of this stupid thing! Usually when I'm looking for posters for a particular film I'll find three or four different ones. For this one, I found posters from fifteen different countries and I didn't have to look hard to find them. Most places just used a derivation of the original title Tentacoli, though a few European countries said fuck it and just called it what it really is: Giant Octopus. Someone has submitted some seriously conflicting information for this one over on IMDb so I'd take what they say with a grain of salt. In the budget section for the film, they claim this cost 750 thousand and 5 million dollars (!?) to make. How a film can have two different budgets is beyond me. The trivia section adds: “The production spent nearly $1 million on a life-sized replica of a giant octopus which promptly sank when they put it in the water.” For starters, there is no way in hell this clearly low budget film with barely any real fx spent a million on an octopus model. Second, if they spent a million on a giant octopus the budget certainly couldn't have been 750K. The five million figure doesn't ring true either considering the same year's much more polished and clearly much higher budgeted (yet still kind of crappy) ORCA cost 6 million to make. So either the 750K is true but the part about the octopus model is a lie or the film cost 5 million and 4 million disappeared into the director's bank account.





The PG-rated Tentacles was released theatrically here in the U.S. by AIP and went on to gross three million dollars in America alone. After debuting on NBC TV in 1979, it became a staple late night filler movie on cable throughout the 80s and 90s. It was then well-circulated on VHS by companies like Vestron and Orion. All of the above prints of the film were cut by about 10 minutes but it was almost entirely dialogue scenes that were removed. The first full, uncut and still PG-rated version made its DVD debut courtesy of MGM's Midnite Movies line in 2005, where it was double billed with EMPIRE OF THE ANTS (1977). Finally (one can hope!), there's a Blu-ray / DVD combo from Shout! / Scream Factory, who've paired it with the Danish monster movie Reptilicus (1961). This is truly one of those titles that you couldn't avoid even if you tried to but probably wish you had after sitting through it.

★1/2

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Meng gui chai guan (1987)

... aka: Banbaia koppu
... aka: Haunted Cop Shop, The
... aka: Haunted Copshop, The
... aka: Haunted Cop Shop of Horrors, The
... aka: Strong Ghost Police Office
... aka: Vampire Cop

Directed by:
Jeffrey Lau

A former cop who's now a monk (well, driven to be a monk by the asshole police chief to be specific) shows up at a police station with a warning for his former boss, Supt. Chun (Fung Woo). He informs him that he's not to let a woman wearing pink into the station after midnight in seven days or else the entire area will be overrun with demons. Why? Well, because in a week it will be The Feast of Yu lan or The Hungry Ghosts Festival when evil spirits can enter this world and police headquarters just so happens to have been built upon a cursed plot of land. Back during World War II, the station used to be a clubhouse for the Japanese army. After Japan lost the war, a bunch of the soldiers committed suicide there by what the subtitles call sabuku but I'm pretty sure they meant seppuku (ritual suicide by disembowelment). Now, the officers make it a ritual to burn dolls every Yu lan at midnight (the exact moment when the gates of hell can be opened) to appease the spirits. As the officers are all busy outside doing that, there are things going on inside that they should be paying attention to...







Sneaky Ming (Billy Lau) is lured out of his cell by a woman dressed in pink. She leads him down the hallway and he's suddenly in the 1940s Japanese clubhouse during its heyday in a sequence clearly inspired by The Shining. After ordering a drink he's led to a private room where men are playing mah jong. He joins them and they somehow get the doofus to bet his life on the game. However, ghosts don't play fair and they change the tiles to make him lose. As punishment, he's forced to open a box containing the spirit of Japanese General Issei (Rico Chu) and from then on out all hell breaks loose at the police station and around town. Sneaky Ming gets bitten and turns into a vampire but is reduced to a pile of ash once sunlight hits him, though the real threat is out in the city hiding in an abandoned apartment building during the day and raising the dead at night.







After an utterly perplexing scene at a slaughterhouse where a bunch of guys drink cow blood, female police inspector Fanny Ho (Kitty Chan) is brought in to keep an eye on our bumbling heroes Macky Kim (Jacky Cheung) and Man Chiu (Ricky Hui, basically repeating his MR. VAMPIRE character). First, the guys have to prove to Fanny that there are vampires loose in the city. A trip to a morgue where a female corpse rises from the slab and attacks accomplishes that easily enough. Then, it's time to hunt down and put a stake to the evil and nearly unstoppable General. A consult with chef Uncle Chung (Kim-Wan Chan), a former exorcist, reveals the only way to eliminate the vamp for good is to find seven coffin nails and drive them into different parts of his body.







What is it about Hong Kong horror comedies? This isn't my first time, or twentieth time for that matter, watching one of these things where I felt my patience being tested the entire first half before it suddenly becomes strangely enjoyable in the second. This one suffers from focusing the first 40 or so minutes on Cheung and Hui's buffoon officers, who are not only morons but also not likable in the least. During one “comic” scene, they kill a dog and try to trick their new supervisor into eating it during lunch break just to give her bad luck. There are also a dozen or so really dumb gay jokes (pretty much on the level of “ew gay!”) plus some toilet humor and none of it is particularly funny. While most the better examples of this type of film suffer from some of these same problems, they also have some kind of grounding point (typically a major character playing it completely straight) to balance it all out. The best this offers up is the Fanny character but she's not introduced until the movie is halfway over and isn't even really present at the finale.





Director cameo!


Cop Shop does offer up individual scenes that are good. Even though it takes awhile for it to hit its stride, it's lively and fun once it does. Many of the action and horror scenes deliver the goods and, while the gags are hit-or-miss throughout, some moments are genuinely funny, like the “Eminent Star Strikes Dipper” pose. Fat Chung (a regular in these kind of movies) has a hilarious cameo as a retired ghost / vampire buster who gets to fight four of the ghouls before unceremoniously getting his arm ripped off. It was also a nice touch to actually name drop Ching-Ying Lam, even though the subs misspell his name. This movie could have used someone like him in it.


A Golden Harvest release, this was a decent sized hit in Hong Kong, grossing nearly 12 million dollars. Lau (who also has a cameo here as a gay ghost) returned with THE HAUNTED COP SHOP II (1988) the following year, which did nearly as well at the box office. He went on to make several other horror comedies like Operation Pink Squad II (1989 aka Thunder Cops) and Mortuary Blues (1990) before graduating to more 'prestigious' work. The same can be said for co-writer Kar-Wai Wong, who went on to a highly acclaimed career as a writer and director with films like Happy Together (1997), In the Mood for Love (2000) and 2046 (2004).


This was never officially released here in America through the video era and the best one could do for a long time was the 1997 VCD from Mega Star, which came with English subtitles. The newer release from Asian Crush is a restored print and also has an English subs option.

★★1/2
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