Thirteen Erotic Ghosts (2002)

... aka: 13 Erotic Ghosts
... aka: 13 Erotic Ghosts in 3D
... aka: Thirteen Erotic Ghosts in 3D

Directed by:
Fred Olen Ray

Ahhhh, the "erotic horror spoof." First turning up at the turn of the new millennium on both VHS and DVD (when those formats still really mattered) and adequately filling 3 a.m. time slots on Cinemax ever since, the "erotic horror spoof," or "EHS" as they will be referred to from here on out, have become a minor blip on pop culture radar over the past decade and a half. Most people have seen at least one of these things, right? The EHS formula is simple: gratuitous female nudity, simulated sex, goofy comedy and a title that recalls a well-known, big budget hit. Though there were certainly horror spoofs and even EHS's prior to 2000, this subgenre really took off after the release of The Blair Witch Project in 1999. The ears of B movie filmmakers worldwide suddenly perked up as they collectively sighed, "Hey, they filmed that with a camcorder for no money and made a ton... I can do that, too!" Production immediately was underway on a host of similar B movie offerings promising dumb jokes and naked chicks. Since The Erotic Witch Project, The Bare Wench Project, The Blonde Wench Project and numerous other films emerged at around the same time, it's difficult to even say who did it first. The two big names you need to know in this field, however, are Seduction Cinema and Jim Wynorski.

Seduction Cinema employed a host of different directors to churn out titles like Mummy Raider (2002), Play-Mate of the Apes (2002) and Kinky Kong (2006), which had rock bottom budgets and focused mostly on all-girl action. Having been in the business since the early 80s, Corman U graduate Wynorski, SC's primary competitor at the time, had been making and successfully marketing comedic T&A exploitation films for decades prior so he had the upper hand at both coming up with amusing titles and getting his films distributed. Though Jim threw his hat in the ring during the early stages of the EHS (making three Bare Wench films, a greatest hits compilation and a "making of" documentary... because we really need to know how these things were made, right?), he wouldn't hit his stride until 2005's The Witches of Breastwick became a cable hit. Afterward, we were treated to the likes of House on Hooter Hill, The Breastford Wives (both 2007), Cleavagefield, The Devil Wears Nada (both 2009), The Hills Have Thighs (2010) and numerous others.

Competing with SC and Wynorski for cable airtime and DVD sales throughout the 2000's, was Fred Olen Ray. I always love pointing out that Fred is originally from Wellston; a tiny town in Southeast Ohio, because it's about a fifteen minute drive from my own tiny (though slightly larger) hometown of Gallipolis, Ohio. At some point, Fred moved to Florida, made a few ultra low-budget films there and then migrated to Hollywood, where he capitalized on the huge video boom of the 80s / early 90s and became one of the most prolific directors around. Into the 2000s, Fred had his own own shtick in the soft-core market and that was the ever-trusty "bikini" movie. He'd go on to make around twenty (!) soft-core films with "bikini" in the title and even had his own special bikini movie alias: Nicholas Medina. Ray was also smart enough to adapt to the changing times. With the video market starting to dry up in the late 90s, he began exploiting TV more and more; getting his films and TV projects on regular rotation on such networks as Starz, Lifetime, Here! and the SyFy Channel. He was also savvy enough to form his own production company (American Independent Productions) in the early days so he could control the destiny of most of his own films and eventually formed his own distribution company (Retromedia), which currently has a catalogue of hundreds of titles (not just his own).

Starring, the ample talents of...

Julie "I don't need no introduction" Strain

Once upon a time Cinemax Queen Mia Zottoli

Former biochemistry major turned web babe and all-girl X star Aria Giovanni

So what does this all have to do with Thirteen Erotic Ghosts? Well, for starters it's one of the earlier examples of the modern EHS, but mostly I figured I'd have to whip out my verbosity card in order to give you something to read. Hey, one can't expect too much plot discussion when covering a soft-core flick, can they? Thirteen - which was obviously made to capitalize on Dark Castle Entertainment's "remake" Thir13en Ghosts (2001) - opens at the Waffle House School for Wayward Girls; a castle that doubles as "a very private school for very naughty girls." The first scene, set in a steamy hot tub where Julie Strain gets down with a pair of identical twin blondes (Zen and Zero "the Porcelain TwinZ," who, away from movies are self-proclaimed "pioneers of fetish-burlesque"), proves just how naughty these girls are. Very. This scene also really pushes the boundaries of soft-core by throwing in some simulated dildo play. After Julie's character - Baroness Lucrezia - gives the two naughty girls a little spanking, she raises her metal sex toy into the air triumphantly and it's struck by lightning. The girls are fried in the hot tub and the house goes down in flames; killing everyone inside.

"Many years later," a small (three-person) TV crew shows up there in hopes of proving its haunted reputation. There's host Ted Nightingale (Jay Richardson on hammy overdrive), who's hoping to revive his career after a failed show ("Who Wants to Be a Crack Whore?") and a "cultural exchange" tabloid scandal with a 14-year-old male Puerto Rican exchange student, cameraman Mikey (Richard Gabai) and uptight, bossy producer Gina DiCaprio (Mia Zottoli). The guys are handed a pair of green "ghost goggles" and then we cut to Professor Ted Isor (the director) explaining how the glasses work. Yes, this video was shot in a similar fashion to Castle's original 13 Ghosts (1960) with special glasses that enable you to see - or not see - certain ghost images. Since I didn't have the glasses I guess I missed out on some of the ghosts, but I did see a few other things that managed to keep my attention.

The TV crew meet the home's current owner Hugo ("Gordon Baer" aka "Orville Ketchum" aka Peter Spellos), venture inside and then encounter various female ghosts, whose restless spirits are trapped there until someone can prove they exist. And what do the ghosts do to pass all this time? I'm sure you can guess. There are seven simulated lesbian scenes in this one, from the standard girl-girl, to the girl-girl-girl all the way up to the girl-girl-girl-girl. Zottoli is in a few of these scenes (including one in front of a fireplace) and the ones with Strain and the twins have a mild S&M tinge to them, with some whipping and Julie doing her usual dominatrix bitch routine. There's a lot of what I like to call "beyond R but not quite X nudity" and some pretty graphic scenes; a few of which feature hardcore performers like Felony and the very attractive Aria Giovanni (who was married to Marilyn Manson guitarist John 5 for a number of years). The Porcelain Twinz, who don't seem to mind doing things like kissing or licking and fondling each other's breasts (which will either be hot or kind of uncomfortable to watch depending on one's tastes), also appeared alongside Julie in three other movies: Purgatory Blues (2001), Barberellas (2003) and Blood Gnome (2004). Later, in 2009, they also made headlines as part of a rather peculiar sexual harassment lawsuit...

In 2009, Zen and Zero (real names Amber and Heather Langley), sued Simon Hammerstein, owner of Manhattan's 'The Box' club, for an undisclosed amount. According to the suit, the girls claimed they were coerced into spicing up their stage act with "glass dildos" and were instructed to "perform cunnilingus on each other as well as vaginal penetration with simulated phalluses." Fearing unemployment and being kicked out of their apartment (which the Defendant apparently helped set them up in), the two then felt "compelled" to "accede to Hammerstein's directive" of joining him in bed for a sex romp which included more "Twincest." No word on how that all turned out.

When this isn't focusing on the girls, there's a lot of terrible acting and mugging (aside from Spellos, who's quite amusing in his small part), goofy dialogue and throwaway on-camera confessionals, plus a few instances of (mostly awful) CGI. Gary Graver shot it on digital video and it looks OK for what it is and Fred's wife, Kimberly A. Ray aka Miss Kim, was the producer. I guess this is what it is, but it's not one of the director's better films nor is it an outstanding piece of erotica.

★1/2

Lo squartatore di New York (1982)

... aka: Blodig voldtaegt (Bloody Rape)
... aka: Manhattan Ripper
... aka: New York Ripper, The
... aka: Psycho Ripper
... aka: Ripper, The

Directed by:
Lucio Fulci

A harmless game of fetch with Bessie the Golden Retriever results in the pooch returning from the weeds underneath the Brooklyn Bridge chomping down on the rotten severed hand of a murder victim. Lt. Fred Williams (Jack Hedley) is immediately put on the case and soon discovers that, while the former owner of that hand may be the first, she's certainly not going to be the last victim of a psycho ripper prowling around New York City. Bicyclist Rosie (Cinzia de Ponti) is the next unfortunate to run into trouble. As she's taking a ferry ride across the harbor (and vandalizing someone's car by writing "Shit" on their windshield in lipstick) she becomes trapped inside one of the vehicles with the ripper,' who promptly mutilates her breasts and then disembowels her with a switchblade. Or as the compassionate coroner later tells our investigating officer, "He stuck it up her joy tail and slit her wide open." The coroner connects Rosie's murder to the murder of the first victim, a model named Anne Lynn, and notes that the killer is "a lefty with a yen for slashing up young ladies." At the risk of falling into the trap of being just another boring serial killer, the nut in this one has decided to distinguish himself by imitating Donald Duck. Yes, Donald Duck.

Before you can say Don't Torture a Duckling, Lt. Williams is off at a local university enlisting the aid of psychologist Dr. Paul Davis (Paolo Malco); a self-proclaimed "genius" in his field who, over the course of the next 90 minutes, ends up not really contributing anything worthwhile to the case. A profile is quickly established; the killer is an intelligent, egotistical and voyeuristic male between the ages of 28 and 30 who has lived in New York City his entire life. Well, that certainly narrows it down. Elsewhere, at a porno theater. a live sex show performer (Zora Kerova) is murdered after her act when the psycho "does it to her" by grinding a broken bottle into her crotch. Not just content with his brutal sex slayings, the nut also enjoys taunting Lt. Williams with ducky phone calls ("It happened again! It happened again tonight! Quack quack quack!") delivered to both the police station Fred works at and to the apartment of a young prostitute named Kitty (Daniela Doria) that the good lieutenant frequently, um, "visits."

We soon meet a host of weirdos and kinky oddballs that comprise out list of possible suspects. The first is rich nympho Jane Forrester Lodge (Alexandra Delli Colli), who's first seen making an audio recording at the sex show the same night of the murder. Jane and her husband, Dr. Lodge ("Laurence Welles" / Cosimo Cinieri), have an odd relationship: She brings home cassette tapes of her little 42nd Street sex adventures and he promptly tells her to get lost. Jane gets herself into numerous sticky situations, including letting a Puerto Rican hood masturbate her with his foot in front of a bunch of his friends (!) and letting 8-fingered junkie / gigolo / perv Mickey Scellenda (Howard Ross) tie her up and then beat her black-and-blue during sex. Mickey, who was also in the sex show audience prior to the murder, is something of a sex predator himself. He tries to assault a young woman; Faye (Almanta "Keller" / Suska), on a subway, but she manages to run away, has a run-in with the killer in an alley, gets stabbed in the leg, hallucinates that her boyfriend Peter ("Andrew Painter" / Andrea Occhipinti) kills her in a movie theater and then wakes up in a hospital bed the next day. The police continue to investigate, the majority of the suspects are killed and finally the psycho is revealed in the last few minutes.

New York Ripper, which was basically Fulci's contribution to the early 80s hack-n-slash craze, is one of the director's most notorious titles. It was banned in several countries for years (most notably in the UK) and heavily-censored in others. The major scene that got this film in trouble is a sequence where the killer ties a nude female to her bed and proceeds to slice through her nipple and eyeball with a razor blade in loving close-up. I think it was more the mash-up of sexuality and gore that was deemed 'censor-worthy' as opposed to what is actually shown (the dummy head isn't all that convincing). This sequence also appears to have been trimmed down even in the uncut versions as stills have surfaced showing the victim being even further mutilated than what's actually seen in the movie.

Fulci, Dardano Sacchetti and the other two writers also deserve a slap on the wrist for the way they completely rip-off Brian De Palma's DRESSED TO KILL (1980). While the two films don't seem all that comparable at the outset, the whole 'Jane' subplot - a major part of the movie - came straight from De Palma's film with only the slightest of alterations made in an attempt to cover it up.

New York Ripper:

Jane is a rich, sexually neglected. middle-aged housewife who ends up in bed with a sleazebag she recently met at a sex show during a long sequence with no dialogue, just lots of glances. After they have sex and he's asleep, she receives a shock (hearing the radio broadcast her lover is the suspected killer) and quietly sneaks out trying not to wake up the guy. She walks down the hallway, finds it is a dead end, then - to her horror - has to return to the front door of the apartment a second time. As she goes back to the end of the hallway, a gloved hand suddenly thrusts a knife at her repeatedly as she's stabbed to death.

Dressed to Kill:

Kate (Angie Dickinson) is a rich, sexually neglected, middle-aged housewife who ends up in bed with a sleazebag she recently met at a museum during a long sequence with no dialogue, just a lot of glances. After they have sex and he's asleep, she receives a sudden shock (finding his medical records) and quietly sneaks out trying not to wake up the guy. She walks down the hallway, enters the elevator, then - to her horror -realizes she has to go back to apartment a second time. As the elevator doors open, a gloved hand suddenly swings a razor at her repeatedly as she's slashed to death.

But when you strip away the nudity, gore, sexual violence and sleaze, the film underneath is basically a routine police / crime drama. It's actually quite dull when blood isn't being spilled and it's focusing on the police investigation. Pretty much every single character, from the suspects to our heroes (not only is the main cop banging a hooker but the fine, upstanding college professor is seen tucking the gay porn mag "Blueboy" into his newspaper), is shown in the sleaziest light possible. Some truly terrible dialogue, frequently making light of what's going on, cheapens the film even further. Of course, much of the above will just be added bonuses for those who like their films as unpleasant and trashy as possible. There's some palpably gritty NYC atmosphere in here, too, including lots of great shots of 42nd Street fleapits and Times Square movie marquees showing a lot of what was playing there in 1981, including An American Werewolf in London, Final Exam, The Funhouse, Revenge of the Bushido Blade, 60 Second Assassin and others.

Depending on the source you consult, Ripper was either never released theatrically in the U.S. or received a very limited (we're talking just a few screens here) release through 21st Century Film Corporation. Either way, most never saw it until in turned up on video in 1987. While distributor Vidmark trimmed the film slightly to reduce nudity, most of the gore remained intact in this unrated 88-minute version. The version I watched ran a minute longer and, since it includes full frontal nudity and gore galore, I will assume this is the full version, though (the unreliable) IMDb states there's also a 91 minute version, as well.

★★