Horror Recs Challenge 2014: Weeks 3 & 4 (Jan. 15-28)

Had a slow last few weeks (at least by my standards!), so I'm combining two weeks together for this update. I managed to watch eight more films for the challenge during this time, bumping my grand total up to 24. Not a bad first month at all as January comes to a close... but there's still 168 more left to go.

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Big Ass Spider! (2013; Mike Mendez) [Viewed Jan.27]

A SyFy Channel-style big mutant spider flick with slightly better acting, writing and special effects than usual. For a full review CLICK HERE. [USA] [rec'd by sdaveak47] ★★1/2

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The Children (2008; Tom Shankland) [Viewed Jan. 25]

*PICK OF THE WEEK* Two married yuppie couples and their children (a rebellious teenage daughter who doesn't really want to be there and four little ones) get together to spend a pleasant Christmas holiday in the country. Well, that's what they were initially hoping for at least! One of the kids is sick, and quickly spreads whatever he has to the other three children. Unfortunately for the adults, it's not a case of the sniffles but some kind of highly-contagious virus that turns all of the children into evil, emotionless, calculating and homicidal psychos but doesn't appear to have any effect on them. Films about evil children have been a mainstay of the horror genre ever since The Bad Seed (1956) and Village of the Damned (1960), but this type of film has really taken off here in the past few years. Though poorly edited is spots and lacking much in the way of plot and substance, The Children still does the theme about as well as anything else I've recently seen. It's well-made, strongly directed and photographed, utilizes the wintery outdoor settings quite nicely and boasts solid performances from the entire cast. There's plenty of tension and suspense, some genuinely shocking, bloody and / or nasty moments and the filmmakers make the astute decision to leave the origin of the strange disease completely ambiguous because, quite frankly, it seldom really even matters in these things, anyway. [UK] [rec'd by Nan00k] ★★★

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Flexing with Monty (1994-2010; John Albo) [Viewed Jan. 28]

The late Trevor Goddard (who died of a drug overdose in 2003) stars as Monty; an obnoxious, narcissistic bodybuilder / PE teacher who spends all of his time working out, farting, fucking a blow-up doll, going on homophobic religious rants, thrusting his ass and crotch into the camera and flashing back to a better time in his youth when his loving granny used to massage his ass and give him hand jobs. His whiny younger brother Bertin (Rudi Davis) is a sensitive teenager who keeps some deformed and presumably retarded banana-eating, constantly-masturbating monkey-man with Spock ears in a cage in his bedroom and has been more or less kept isolated by his brother... who turns out to actually be his father. A nun (Sally Kirkland) finally shows up to wax poetic about the legend of the biblical Lilith and perform an exorcism on Monty's cock. After a production history of nearly a decade and a long period lying in limbo, Unearthed Films finally decided to unleash this monstrosity onto DVD. They really should have left it buried for good. Flexing with Monty is one of the most idiotic, self-indulgent, nonsensical, monotonous and annoying films I've ever had the misfortune to sit through. When the director isn't busy worshiping every inch of Goddard's sweaty bod (pretty much the sole redeeming factor of this production), he's busy forcing his cast to recite monologues filled with some of the most embarrassingly awful and irritatingly pretentious dialogue ever captured on film. Hideously awful. [USA] [rec'd by emertens] ★

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Murder Party (2005; Jeremy Saulnier) [Viewed Jan. 20]

While walking down the street on Halloween night, geeky loser Christopher (Chris Sharp) finds an invitation to something called a "murder party" on the ground. Having no plans for the evening, he fashions a last minute knight costume made out of cardboard and decides to attend... only to find himself tied down to a chair with a handful of raving eccentric artists planning on murdering him and filming the act. Why? For the sake of art, I suppose. I think the intention here was to make a satire of the pretentious New York City art scene, but this film isn't particularly funny, nor is it scary or disturbing or compelling or really much of anything. There are a couple of laughs and a last-minute splattering of gory murders, but once the premise is established it really has no place to go and quickly becomes tedious, especially dragging in the mid-section. Nearly the entire film takes place in a dimly-lit warehouse, the acting ranges from OK to God awful and the characters come off as either obnoxiously one-note or completely unlikable (not even the lead character merits much sympathy as there's no real effort put out to humanize him). I'm giving this an extra point because for an extremely low-budget production it's fairly well-photographed and edited. Note: Some people seemed to enjoy this more than I did, so I'd still recommend giving it a look if you're curious. [USA] [rec'd by DaveHedgehog] ★★

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Plaga zombie: zona mutante (2001; Pablo Parés, Hernán Sáez) [Viewed Jan. 24]

Three young men (including a washed-up former professional wrestler) are dropped off in the middle of a street in an abandoned small town overrun by zombies. There, they fight the zombies... and then run away. Fight some more zombies... and then run to somewhere else. Then fight some more zombies... and go to a house for a breather (and a random musical number). And then fight some more zombies... and fight with each other.... and finally discover the spacey secret of the living dead they've been fighting all along. Plaga zombie is an intentionally silly shot-on-video comedy / action / splatter flick made with all the enthusiasm and good spirits in the world by a completely amateur cast and crew. It's filled to the brim with amusing homemade gore and zombie makeups and the makers clearly worship at the feet of people like George Romero, Sam Raimi and Peter Jackson. There are constant nods to films like Bad Taste, The Evil Dead and Romero's famous "Dead Trilogy" sprinkled throughout that many fans of this stuff are gonna enjoy. Even though it more than wears out its welcome with an overlong run-time of nearly 100 minutes and becomes tiresome and repetitive as a result, enough genuine no-budget charm seeps its way through all of the blood and guts and dismembered limbs and crazy camerawork and rapid fire editing to make this adequately entertaining for fans. [Argentina] [rec'd by ninjas-r-cool] ★★1/2

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Sleepstalker: The Sandman's Last Rites (1995; Turi Meyer) [Viewed Jan. 15]

Thanks to some good ole black magic, an executed serial killer is able to return to life to continue his crimes and possibly gain immortality in the process. Typically gimmicky 90s horror. For the full blow-by-blow and screenies, consult the full review RIGHT HERE. [USA] [rec'd by SomebodyWicked] ★★

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Strangler of the Swamp (1946; Frank Wisbar) [Viewed Jan. 22]

While WWII was underway, German director Frank Wisbar emigrated to the United States and ended up stuck working in the bottom-rung poverty row PRC Studio in Hollywood for his duration of his stay in the states (he'd return to Germany in 1959 where he made more films and lived out the remainder of his days). One of his crowning achievements while in America was this one, a remake of his earlier film Fährmann Maria (1936). Rosemary La Planche (who had been crowned Miss America in 1941) stars as Maria Hart, a young working class girl who travels to a small swamp-bound village to take over her late uncle's job operating a hand-pulled ferry. She soon realizes that the marshes are haunted by the ghost of a man who was wrongfully executed years earlier and avenges himself not only on his killers (her uncle included) but also their descendants. This utilizes typical 'doomed love' sub-plotting in which Maria may have to ultimately sacrifice herself in order to both break the curse and spare the life of the man she's fallen in love with. Standard writing and plotting, dated and melodramatic performances, rushed, ineffective old-fashioned romantic aspects and a spoonful of religious mumbo jumbo customary of its time bog this down some, but it's also wonderfully foggy and atmospheric. The sets are quite good, the female lead is a bit stronger, braver and more independent than what was commonplace at the time and Wisbar shows a fine eye for visuals and establishing mood. I'd imagine he'd have come up with something truly great given a good script to work with. [USA] [rec'd by Zombie_CPA] ★★1/2

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Strippers vs. Werewolves (2012; Jonathan Glendenning) [Viewed Jan. 26]

This joins the ranks of Zombie Strippers (1998) starring porn queen Jenna Jameson, Zombies! Zombies! Zombies! - Strippers vs. Zombies (1998) and Zombies vs. Strippers (2012) (yes those are all three different films) in this new "stripper" horror subgenre. What should one expect from these titles? Well firstly, obviously some T&A and sexy dancing. After all, these are strippers we are talking about here. Second, monsters doing battle with said strippers. And finally, a sense of humor. Strippers vs. Werewolves provides all three components, but sadly doesn't do well enough in any of the three areas to leave viewers feeling fully satisfied. There's some rather brief nudity in just a few isolated scenes and none of it is contributed by the leading ladies. Even worse, there's hardly any dancing OR stripping (boo!). The promised showdown between the vixens and the undead happens at the very end, is over before it even has a chance to get good and is horribly edited and directed to boot. As for the comedy, there are a few chuckles here and there, but it misses the mark more often that not. Everything is presented in a comic book-style fashion sometimes utilizing different panels showing simultaneous action, but it's photographed in such a dowdy and murky way that it doesn't come off as intended. In addition, the werewolf make-up designs are absolutely terrible. Sarah Douglas (playing the brassy strip club owner), Billy Murray (leader of the werewolf pack) and others do what they can to spruce this thing up. Robert Englund and Martin Kemp both also turn up in a useless cameos. [UK] [rec'd by alchemie666] ★★

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JAN. 15-28 STATS:
FTV (First Time Views): 8
Repeat Views: 0
Total: 24 / 192

Big Ass Spider! (2013)

... aka: Biggest Spider
... aka: Megaspider
... aka: Mega Spider

Directed by:
Mike Mendez

Isn't 'Big Ass Spider' fun to say? I even cracked a smile telling a friend of mine "I'm about to watch 'Big Ass Spider'!" this evening. Hell, I may even have fun in the future saying "I watched 'Big Ass Spider' last month." Only I won't be doing so with quite the same level of enthusiasm I had before actually viewing the movie. I'll start by saying that I did not dislike this. It's an amiable, simple, good-natured, unpretentious, straightforward comic creature feature clearly made by well-intentioned people who probably had a great time making it. So why didn't I love it? Pretty simple: There's absolutely nothing here that I had not seen elsewhere numerous times before. That goes for the plot, all of the characters, the special effects, the cheeky self-aware sense of humor and the presentation of the material. One's overall enjoyment will likely depend on how familiar they are with similar 'giant mutant-monster on the loose' films. If you haven't seen a whole lot of these, you'll likely enjoy the light, goofy tone. However, if you're already well-versed on this stuff, you'll quickly realize this has nothing new to offer.

Hefty every man Greg Grunberg (from the TV series "Lost") plays the lead role as bug / pest exterminator Alex Mathis. After being bitten by a (regular) spider himself, Alex goes to the hospital for treatment. Down in the morgue, another much-larger, scientifically-altered alien spider erupts from the chest of one of the bodies. It bites a coroner, kills a patient, escapes into the sewers and eventually goes on a rampage throughout Los Angeles. With each new victim, the spider grows to a larger size; filling out five different growth stages that will end in the spider laying a bunch of eggs. Naturally, it must be stopped before that can happen and, despite the presence of the military (led by dependable character actor Ray Wise), Alex finds himself front and center in the battle, aided by security guard / "Mexican Robin" sidekick Jose (Lombardo Boyer, giving a very likable performance in a highly stereotyped role). Throw in a pretty love interest / damsel in distress (Clare Kramer) who figures during the KING KONG-inspired finale and that's pretty much all she wrote. This goes right down the monster movie cliché check-list without missing a beat, whilst unfortunately never once going outside the box.

I honestly didn't find the Alex character as endearing as I think the writers intended him to be. He's pushy, annoyingly presumptuous and even downright obnoxious at times. Since he's overweight, the script of course requires him to foolishly risk his life numerous times over in order to prove himself worthy of an attractive woman he doesn't even really know and one who otherwise wouldn't give him the time of day. That's fine and dandy (albeit typical), but that doesn't change the fact that this all falls into predictable TV sitcom style stereotype casting. You know, a tubby schlub with a heightened sense of his own desirability and zero self-awareness is paired up with a hot woman and we're supposed to automatically find it a charmingly oddball pairing. I assume this is supposed to be empowering to your Average Joe to show that even the hottest of hotties is not outside his reach, but it's this same routine handling of character dynamics that somewhat hamper an already-predictable film and keep it from rising above the norm. And I swear if I have to sit through another "comic" scene of a Mexican going into action accompanied by blaring mariachi music I'm gonna scream.

On the plus side, some of the banter between Alex and Jose is amusing, the CGI fx are pretty decent for a low-budget film (although they still look like something that'd be more at home in some video game), there's more gore than one might expect for a PG-13 rating and there are some very fun moments to be had in here, especially when the spider attacks a bunch of people in a park. There are also a few notable cameos as well, including the always-amusing Lin Shaye as one of Alex's neurotic customers, Troma's Lloyd Kaufman (who gets skewered) and directors Adam Gierasch (as a homeless guy who encounters the spider in the sewer) and Kevin Tenney (who can be spotted waiting in line at a hospital). None of the above can help this completely overcome the sheer predictability, but it's enough to keep the film watchable for 80 minutes. I've certainly seen better, but I've also seen a lot worse.

Christian-run small business destroyer Walmart is responsible for this moronic re-titling. (Notice they added lame graffiti over the "ass" but added "aka Big Ass Spider" in small print underneath it... What the hell?)

Originally called Mega Spider, which would doom something like to regular rotation on the SyFy Channel on name alone, someone (very wisely) decided to re-title this somewhere along the line, thus securing a limited theatrical release and decent DVD distribution.

★★1/2

No es bueno que el hombre esté solo (1973)

... aka: Chiodo nel cervello, El
... aka: It's No Good for a Man to Be Alone
... aka: It's Not Good for a Man to Be Lonely
... aka: Nail in the Brain, The

Directed by:
Pedro Olea

From all outward appearances, middle-aged Martin Freire (José Luis López Vázquez) seems to have a pretty good life. He has a large home filled with expensive artwork and a nice view of the sea, a good job in the shipping industry (and is about to get a major promotion), plenty of money and a loving and beautiful wife named Elena. So why is he so secretive? Why does he have three industrial strength locks on his front door? Why does he make sure to lock his garage behind him every time he takes the car out? Why are the shades always drawn? And better yet, how come no one has ever met Elena and why does she never seem to leave the house, even to accompany her husband to important business dinners? Martin claims she's been ill, but watching her interactions with her husband and listening to her speak, nothing appears to be wrong with her. One could assume Martin is so insecure that he's keeping her prisoner there, but that doesn't appear to be the case either. He's kind to her, buys her flowers, carries her to bed every night and buys her stockings just like his sexy secretary Mónica (Helga Liné) wears. So just what gives? Well, if I said Elena was actually a doll, I'd be meaning it every sense of the word...

Yes, Elena is a doll. A life-like, life-sized mannequin to be precise. Martin had lost his wife years earlier in an auto accident (on their wedding day no less) and never quite recovered from the shock, so he's had a custom-made doll fashioned after her. Now he lives in an unhealthy fantasy world where the doll speaks to him, he speaks to it and the two can continue on their marriage. Elena even comes with pre-recorded cassette tapes he can put into a player built onto her back to make her speak when he takes her for car rides. Because Elena has to spend all her time inside, Martin imports another doll in; her "sister" Paula, to keep her company. He carries on the charade at the workplace, but it's about to be exposed by his new neighbors. Lina (Carmen Sevilla) has just moved in next door and is of, shall we say, loose moral character. She spends her nights drunk at the bar where she works (and sometimes prostitutes herself) and much of her free time tending to a tumultuous relationship with her bisexual, abusive pimp / con artist boyfriend Mauro (Máximo Valverde). Caught up in all that mess is Lina's lonely young daughter Cati (Lolita Merino), who is usually sent outside to play by herself. Cati starts snooping around Martin's home, manages to get inside and discovers the doll. Martin tells her that he'll buy her a gift if she keeps this a secret. She doesn't.

After Lina catches Mauro and her (male) boss getting cozy, she slaps them and gets herself fired. Now desperate for money and a place to stay, she finds out about Elena at just the right time and decides to use the information to blackmail Martin. Since he's alone and she's now alone, she wants to move in to his place and have access to his money. In exchange, she'll do all of the wifely cleaning and cooking duties and impersonate "Elena" for public appearances so his co-workers don't get suspicious. Martin doesn't want them there and tries to pay her off but she refuses and he feels he has no other choice but to cave in to her demands. After all, his career will be ruined if his wife's true identity gets out and that's just what Lina threatens to do if he doesn't go along with the arrangement she's proposed. Lina and Cati move in, but the little girl is forbidden to go upstairs where Martin keeps his dolls. It isn't long before the new house guest starts crossing the established boundaries. Mauro manages to weasel himself back in to her life (and Martin's home) and Lina destroys Paula and then demands he get rid of Elena. It's all just a little too much for the already very unstable man to handle.

This fascinating, seldom-watched psycho-drama certainly deserves a better fate than the utter obscurity it's fallen into. It's well-made, well-written by José Luis Garci, has an eerie score courtesy of Alfonso Santisteban and some wonderfully stylish moments and takes the subject matter very seriously; throwing in a little welcome black humor along the way. There are definite shades of Psycho here, with the doll solemnly sitting behind a sheer curtain in an upstairs bedroom window and the fact Martin carries on conversations with it, but this saves its shocks for the very end and slowly builds to them. Perhaps best of all, this boasts a truly excellent central performance from Vázquez as the lonely, disturbed, friendless man who's clearly lost the ability to be in normal relationships with real human beings. The character is certainly bizarre and creepy, but the actor manages to make sure we sympathize with him regardless. By the end of the film, we pretty much want his unwanted house guests to just get out and leave him alone. Sevilla is also great in her (very unlikable) role. One wants to feel sorry for her character; being a single mother who's fallen on hard times and all, but it's made pretty clear that she's an inept, self-centered woman and mother who hardly has her daughter's best interests in mind. Little Cati would probably have a better chance in life with her out of the picture.

According to IMDb, this was also released in Greece (as Kourdisti koukla gia ores monaxias) and Italy (as Il chiodo nel cervello = "The Nail in the Brain") in addition to Spain, but not here in America. The version I watched, which is available online, was in Spanish with fan-made English subs. I recommend it.

★★★