No es nada, mamá, sólo un juego (1974)

... aka: Beyond Erotica
... aka: It's Nothing Bad, Mama, It's Only a Game
... aka: It's Only a Game
... aka: Lola

Directed by:
José María Forqué

"You have to know exactly what to cut away and what to leave. You leave only those roots that are indispensible to its growth yet at the same time those that won't tire it too much. It's like a child; temperamental. And yet you see how it preserves its youth while at the same time it grows old." - Juan, on cultivating dwarf pines... his second favorite pasttime.

Director / producer / writer José María Forqué followed up his difficult to find murder-mystery TAROT (1973; titled AUTOPSY in the U.S.) with this perverse psycho drama. While it's not at all pleasant to watch, it is interesting and fairly well-made, with decent acting and artistic pretensions. David Hemmings stars in what could be the most despicable roles of his entire career as Juan, a pampered, insufferable thirty-something sick-o from a well-to-do family who gets off on degrading, raping and murdering innocent women. In between victims, he also gets his jollies blasting away bunny rabbits already caught in traps. Juan lives with his facilitating mother Louise (Alida Valli, playing a role every bit as detestable as Hemmings') in a large villa somewhere in an impoverished Venezuelan village where everyone hates their family but feel powerless to fight back because they're responsible for employing nearly everyone in the area. Juan uses their stature to have his way with whatever woman he wants... most especially the ones who don't want it. And after he's done, he makes them don a pair of oversized rabbit ears and animal skin rags and then hunts them down MOST DANGEROUS GAME-style on horseback with help from a rifle, bear traps and his killer dogs.

A woman ripped apart by the dogs in the very first scene was actually the family's long-suffering maid Lucia (Nuria Gimeno) and now they're in need of a replacement. Louise hires Isabel (Rudy Hernández), but Juan immediately rejects her because she's "common" and a "slut" (i.e. he doesn't have to force himself upon her). Juan would much rather have the sexy and strong-willed Lola (Andrea Rau) and, after he throws a temper tantrum at the dinner table, Louise arranges for Lola to come work for them, promising to help further the careers of both her father and her boyfriend if she'll just learn to tolerate Juan. Though the young beauty agrees to the assignment, she is having none of Juan's sexual advances. When he tries to grope her at the dinner table, she pours soup over his head. Then the advances become increasing more physical and violent. He sets up a hammock right outside her bedroom and then sneaks into her room and tries to rape her, but she manages to get away.

Eventually, Juan traps Lola in a steel pin and promises to let her out once she's "prepared." His mother and the rest of the staff know she's there but do nothing to help her. In fact, Louise even ships Lola's boyfriend off to Caracas so he won't come there looking for her so her degenerate son can keep occupied playing his sick "game." For refusing to take off her clothes, Lola is denied food or water for days on end and has some left sitting outside the pin barely out of reach. When she finally agree to take off her skirt, Juan uses a water hose to spray her off. Many more days pass, and Juan finally gets to have his way with her in a repellent scene where he cuts off her panties with a machete and goes to town while Lola (filthy and nearly delirious by this point) slurps down a piece of melon he's kind enough to throw at her. Many days later, to get more food, he makes her get on all fours and act like an animal, then kiss his hands before giving her a sandwich. She starts gobbling it down before realizing he's filled it with worms.

After being adequately tortured, physically and psychologically, Lola is set free and told she can go, but she's apparently fallen victim to Stockholm Syndrome and is in love with her tormentor / captor. At least temporarily. Or perhaps she's just pretending to be. It was kind of hard to tell. Either way, she sticks around long enough to spark the interest / lust of Juan's Uncle (Francisco Rabal), who's been hanging around to try to cash in on his deceased brother. Uncle has a psychiatrist make frequent visits to the home; perhaps to find Juan and his mother mentally incompetent (though neither actually cooperate) so he can get their money. Every once in awhile, we get a soft-focus flashback to Juan as a child and how he was influenced by his sadistic tyrant of a father; also a rapist and murderer.

Though this certainly works on a base level - after all, it's difficult to make a movie about people being exploited without it having "exploitative elements" - this is also clearly meant to be a commentary / indictment on the sadistic treatment of natives at the hands of the wealthy outsiders who have colonized / industrialized their lands over the years. This kind of behavior has been prevalant throughout history, particularly in Latin America and Africa (with European settlers showing up to turn a profit by virtually enslaving the populace) and it's also a big part of the foundation of the United States (with European settlers showing up and systematically wiping out Native Americans). For a more contemporay parallel, it's billion dollar corporations setting up shop in depressed areas of other countries so they can maximize profit by having the desperate and poor work exhaustingly long hours in dangerous, sub-human conditions for slave wages. Funny how we in 'civilized society,' one supposedly far advanced from our blood-soaked "primitive" days, haven't really evolved all that much over the years. It's the same game with a different name... But I guess sometimes it takes a movie about an arrested adolescent making wormy sandwiches and chasing around Playboy bunnies on horseback to make these things pop into your head.

No R1 DVD release as of this writing, but this was released in the 80s on the Prism VHS label, under the title BEYOND EROTICA (the same title used when this played U.S. theaters back in 1979).

★★1/2

La porta sul buio: La bambola (1973) [filmed in 1971] (TV)

... aka: Bambola, La
... aka: Dario Argento's Door Into Darkness: The Doll
... aka: Door Into Darkness: The Doll
... aka: Doll, The

Directed by:
Mario Foglietti

Here's the fourth and final entry in the short-lived La porta sul buio ("Door Into Darkness") series. So let me recap a little about the series and its origins and then we're off! Both THE BIRD WITH THE CRYSTAL PLUMAGE (1969) and The Cat O' Nine Tails (1970) were hits in Italy (though Bird faired better internationally), so RAI (Italy's only television channel at the time) enlisted director Dario Argento to host, produce, sometimes write or direct and generally oversee the suspense tales on their new mystery / thriller / chiller series La porta sul buio. Four episodes were filmed in 1971, but they weren't actually released until the fall of 1973. All of the tales are reasonably budgeted, run about an hour in length, are non-graphic yet very stylish and contain equal parts mystery and terror. Each also has that distinctive Argento stamp on it when it comes to the presentation, camerawork and score. The directors were Argento (who directed The Tram), Luigi Cozzi (who made THE NEIGHBOR), Roberto Pariante (who is credited with directing EYEWITNESS, but rumor has it Argento - sans credit - re-filmed nearly the entire episode himself after being displeased with the original version) and Mario Foglietti, the director of this one. Foglietti made a few other features (he also helped writer Argento's FOUR FLIES ON GREY VELVET), but this was his only genre film; a shame since this effort shows a lot of promise.

After a very Ed Wood-ian intro ("Look at all these people walking, rushing...) with Argento stating that any one of us can go nutzoid at any moment while showing a crowd of people shuffling about, the story begins with a great montage of POV shots of someone escaping a mental institution and running through the woods, finally managing to hitch a ride. We're next introduced to an unnamed, handsome, well-dressed man (Robert Hoffmann) carrying a black leather bag who shows up at a hotel, rents a room, is extremely unfriendly to the nosy old female innkeeper and then spots a woman outside talking to a boyfriend. The man then immediately starts following the woman around. She turns out to be Elena Moreschi (Erika Blanc), who owns and operates her own fashion house, and seems to be popular with the men folk in the area. Someone sneaks into Elena's garment factory and murders her. A police detective (Gianfranco D'Angelo), with help from a professor of psychology (Umberto Raho) who works at the same asylum the nutcase escaped from, are on the case.

While the police are out trying to locate the escapee, the strange man begins stalking a second woman; the meek Daniela (Mara Venier). He follows her to a toy store, sneaks a doll into her purse and uses that as an excuse to follow her back to her apartment. He more or less barges in and then refuses to leave. Can the police reach Daniela before it's too late? Naturally, this film comes complete with a big twist ending and it's not a hard conclusion to draw before it's actually revealed once the stalker's psychological torment begins. Then again, in this case that's really not all that important; this is primarily a visual piece. And on its own terms, it's fairly successful.

La bambola has truly bizarre camerawork and editing, and shows much more visual flair than the segments directed by Cozzi and Pariante. There are long takes of people walking, flurries of weird camera angles (edited together at a fast clip), high angles, low angles, plenty of moving POV shots and even a shot that starts at the top of someone's head and then quickly zooms out. The camera seems like it never stops moving and the director makes good use of panning shots and tracking shots. He also toys around quite a bit with focus and blur, and comes up with several very interesting and effective uses of it. There's even a long, unbroken shot that floats around the floors of the apartment into and through various rooms that Dario himself would be proud of.

The cast is also pretty interesting. I've been a big fan of Blanc's for years now because of her work in such films as THE VENDETTA OF LADY MORGAN (1965), Kill, Baby... Kill! (1966) and most especially THE DEVIL'S NIGHTMARE (1971), and even though she's only given about fifteen minutes of screen time here, it's always nice to see her. Venier (who also appeared in the 1987 giallo Sweets from a Stranger) is someone I'm completely unfamiliar with, but she was quite good in her role, too. Neither actress is going to be everyone's idea of beautiful, but they both have a very striking and haunting quality about their appearance that fits both the film and the 'doll' motif perfectly. Lead actor Hoffmann (who also starred in Naked Girl Killed in the Park, Spasmo, etc.) is one of those unshaven hunky guys you'd expect to see in a spaghetti western, and does a good job in his enigmatic role also.

★★★

Legacy, The (1978)

... aka: Legacy of Maggie Walsh, The

Directed by:
Richard Marquand

Booking an interior design job from a mysterious client in London, who doesn't quite clue them in on what exactly they'll be doing but offers up a 50,000 advanced bonus, American architect Maggie Walsh (Katharine Ross) and her boyfriend Pete Danner (Sam Elliott), also an architect, decide to fly from Los Angeles to England for a few weeks. While they're out taking a country drive on their motorcycle, they're run off the road by a Rolls Royce being driven by Harry (Ian Hogg), the chauffeur of wealthy Jason Mountolive (John Standing). Because their bike is badly damaged, Jason offers to take them back to his home (a huge, ornate mansion called Ravenhurst) for some tea while they're waiting for repair work to be done. The two are set up in a guest room, explore around the home (which includes a huge indoor pool) and then begin to take notice of some rather peculiar behavior from the staff, their host (who we learn is terminally ill) and a handful of jetsetter guests who have just arrived there via helicopter.

Amongst the elite guests, we have Jacques Grandier (Lee Montague), who owns nearly every luxury hotel along the Mediterranean, Barbara (Hildegarde Neil), who owns the largest publishing empire in Europe, Maria Gabrieli (Marianne Broome), who is a championship swimmer and the most prominent hostess in Rome, Karl Liebknecht (Charles Gray), a former decorate soldier for Hitler, industrial complex making weapons. Clive Jackson (Roger Daltry, yes, that one), who is a successful musician. Somehow, using his wealth and "power," Jason had managed to turn all of their lives around. Each had a rocky beginning to life (one was an impoverished refugee, another a former Nazi soldier, another a Parisian hooker, etc.) and now they're all wealthy and successful. They're all beholden to Jason and must return to his mansion whenever he asks them to. The home is also fully staffed with a bunch secretive cooks, butlers, etc., who seem led by the mysterious Nurse Adams (Margaret Tyzack). Why Maggie (who's had a ring that matches one worn by the other guests and won't come off slipped on her finger by a rapidly deterorating Jason) has been summoned there is all part of the mystery.

After Pete is almost scalded in a burning hot shower, Maria turns up dead in the pool and no one seems to be willing to help them leave, Maggie and Pete decide to high tail it out of there. They steal a few horses, make it to a neighboring village and then steal a car, but no matter what road they take they end up right back at the house. Resigned to her fate, Maggie heads back in to face her fears head on. One of the guests seems to be using black magic to kill off the others. Someone is burned to death by fire that shoots out of the fireplace and then has their burnt remains fed to some vicious dogs. Daltry is given an unsuccessful tracheotomy after choking on a chicken bone and shards of glass from an exploding mirror impale one of the others.

Clearly made to cash-in of the 70s craze of Satanic-themed films spurned on by the box office success of THE EXORCIST (1973) and THE OMEN (1976), this major studio release has obviously been afforded a rather healthy budget and the whole thing has this glossy, professional sheen to it. Not only does the film look fantastic, but the cinematographer has really tried to spice up the proceedings with some interesting camerawork and odd camera placement (including one inside a shower nozzle!). The art direction is also exceptional, and the mansion the movie takes place in is incredible to look at it. Though the leads are a little on the mediocre side, some of the supporting performances are pretty interesting, particularly those given by Standing, Tyzack and Gray.

All that said, this film isn't very well-written. Apparently three different writers (one of whom was Jimmy Sangster) worked on the screenplay and it was drastically altered from its original version. What's left is muddled, confusing, full of obtuse biblical references and cluttered with so much mumbo jumbo that the plot ends up with more holes in it than Neil's pin-cushioned body. It also fails to deliver a single chill despite the awesome Gothic setting, probably because the movie can't decide whether it wants to be a moody Gothic horror film or a lighthearted mystery / romance romp. The score is also a little on the light side. Hell, the whole thing opens with a hokey love song ("a looooove that never grows ollllllld!") by someone named Kiki Dee and throughout the film we're continually tortured with an instrumental version of the same song. Needless to say, that really doesn't up the fear factor any.

But hell, let's just end this on a good note because, surprisingly enough, the movie itself ends up on a good note with a very interesting resolution to Maggie's predicament. I can't really spoil what happens but it really flips the concept of 'good vs. evil' right over onto its head and I didn't really see it coming.

★★

Return, The (1973)

Directed by:
Sture Rydman

Ambrose Bierce (one of 13 children from an impoverished Meigs County, Ohio family) was a fascinating figure who not only was a prolific short story writer, but also a newspaper editor, critic, satirist, poet, journalist and soldier who served in the army during the Civil War. He dabbled in both business and politics, was nicknamed 'Bitter Bierce' because of his caustic, sardonic wit, traveled and worked abroad and famously disappeared never to be seen again sometime during the Mexican revolution (the 71-year-old was last seen in the presence of rebel troops). Bierce is perhaps most famous for his 1891 short story 'An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge,' which has gone on to influence countless writers and filmmakers over the years and itself was filmed as a Cannes Award-winning short in 1962. Bierce also wrote several other ghost stories, which leads us to this short subject. It runs about half-an-hour and was based (only partially) on Bierce's 1891 story 'The Middle Toe of the Right Foot.' I'm not sure where (or even if) it was screened theatrically, but it turned up as part of the PBS series The American Short Story Collection sometime during the 1980s. Many episodes of that series were issued on VHS by Monterey as part of their "Short Story Collection" series. This one was paired with THE MAN AND THE SNAKE (1972), another Bierce adaptation, for the home video release. Both were made by the team of director / writer Sture Rydman, producer Elizabeth McKay and co-writer Brian Scobie.



Lonely spinster Miss Parker (Rosalie Crutchley) has been employed as the caretaker at a huge home for the last twenty years. It's been up for sale the entire time and over the two decades she's seen living there all alone, not one potential buyer has expressed interest in purchasing it or, hell, even renting out a room there. Could be because its reputation precedes it. Many years ago, an unhinged man who detests physical deformity in women ended up getting married and then presumably flipped out once he discovered his new bride had one of her toes removed. He was convicted of shooting her dead with a rifle on their wedding night and then was committed to an insane asylum for life. However, things aren't quite so simple, as a second potential suspect in the killing (a spurned admirer of the bride) was able to walk away a free man. Stephen Royds (Peter Vaughan) - an intense fellow who shows up there late one evening wanting to see the property - doesn't seem to care. In fact, he seems particularly interested in the home's sordid history and would like to see if the the rumors of the home being haunted are true...


Finding overlooked gems like this one is why I love doing what I do. Though not well-known and apparently seldom-watched (judging by the fact you can't even find a review for it anywhere online!), this is an outstanding and chilling ghost tale that deserves an audience. Making due with one location, two actors and absolutely no special effects or visual fireworks to speak of, this is a compact, well-told and economically resourceful tale that delivers creepiness in spades. The sparse yet claustrophobic art direction suits the premise perfectly, as does Douglas Slocombe's shadowy photography and a wonderfully eerie, otherworldly-sounding score from Marc Wilkinson. Though the film actually swipes several key images from the Bierce story, it also incorporates ideas from the work of A.M. Burrage; an author I'm unfamiliar with. Either way, the melding of two different authors is pulled off here flawlessly. Exceptional performances from both lead actors complete the package.

★★★1/2

Ghostess with the Mostess, The (1988)

... aka: Alex de Renzy's The Ghostess with the Mostess

Directed by:
Alex de Renzy

If you'd asked me who my favorite director was fifteen years ago, I may have said Tim Burton. PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE (1985), BEETLE JUICE (1988), EDWARD SCISSORHANDS (1990) and ED WOOD (1994) were some of my most-watched and beloved movies as a kid. Unfortunately, my interest in Mr. Burton has decreased significanly and steadily ever since MARS ATTACKS! (1996). As Burton's budgets started to skyrocket, his output suddenly became cold, noisy and impersonal exercises in elaborate art direction and overblown special effects. His films have always been impressive to look at, but his newer films come off as hollow and heartless once you look beneath the surface. Of Burton's earlier work, the highly imaginative horror-comedy BEETLE JUICE was always my favorite. It involved a good-hearted couple who just so happen to be newly-dead and, as ghosts, attempt to amicably share their home with an obnoxious, pretentious couple of artiste's and their misunderstood Goth daughter. When co-habitation fails, the ghost couple enlist the aid of the titular disgusting poltergeist to help scare off the new family. The film was a pretty big hit and received Oscar nominations. It also spawned this porno parody. For the record, so did Edward Scissorhands (See: EDWARD PENISHANDS 1, 2 or 3).

Instead of a the eccentric family found in Burton's film, here we get a dysfunctional family moving into a new house that's suspiciously cheap. Dad Joe (Joey Silvera) is carrying on a not-so-secret affair with their bitchy, demanding Cuban maid Consuela (Tanya Foxx). Mom Goldie (Aja) is being sexually neglected, while son Jeffrey (Tom Byron) is just left out of the mix with a copy of Hustler to keep him company. Instead of the good-hearted ghost couple, here we get a good-hearted, fun-loving swinger ghost couple; Charlie (Randy Spears) and his ghost girlfriend (Eva Allen as "Marlena Bond"), who I don't think was ever given a name. They're most interested in one-upping each other in who they can have sex with; I guess to see who is the 'ghostess with the mostess'. Charlie makes a b line to mom's bedroom, while the female ghost heads after Jeffrey. The next day, Consuela is possessed and has sex with Jeffrey while he eats rice crispies. And finally, we have the spin on the seance scene, with Dr. Goody Twoshoes (Blake Palmer), his psychic sidekick Fifi (Dana Lynn) and some other chick (an uncredited Lisa Bright) added to the works for a group number.

Ghostess delivers on the sex with a (mostly) attractive and enthusiastic cast who seem to be enjoying themselves. Male star Randy Spears of course has been an adult film mainstay for the past twenty-five years and has, according to IMDb, amassed over 1000 acting credits (!) as of this writing. He's also tried his hand at crossing over into mainstream films by appearing in Chuck Vincent's thriller BAD BLOOD (1989), doing voice work on the TV series American Dad and popping up in many of Fred Olen Ray's recent soft-core films. Aja (born Barbara Holder) was very popular during her four-year career in adult films (having made 80 films in that time) and is often regarded as one of the most naturally beautiful women ever to do adult films. Silvera just recently entered his fourth decade (!) as an adult film star and has directed several hundred of them himself. And of course, it's nearly impossible to watch one of these things without bumping into Tom Byron, who's a pretty terrible actor and not much to look at either but is also still going strong in porn and has an astouding 1500+ credits. Co-star Eva Allen, someone I'm not at all familiar with, was something of a nice surprise. She's extremely vibrant and pleasant in her role, though her career in the adult industry ended after just a few years.

The biggest surprise of all is that much of this material is actually pretty funny. Intentionally so. Even the dialogue during the sex scenes is funny. It's actually funnier than most R-rated horror comedies I've seen. The film works OK as a semi-spoof of Burton's film, following that film's plotline fairly closely, and also throws in a few horror references (there's an EXORCIST joke, a Freddy Krueger poster on the wall...) There are no visual effects in the film aside from some cheap *Boing*-Pops-The-Ghost cuts, but it's competently shot on video and colorful-looking.

If I've noticed any trend in adult films since the age of the internet, it's not only that it's not even necessary for adult films to even be films anymore, but that the sex itself has generally learned more in the direction of degradation and 'extreme' acts. Seeing an older porn like this one, with lots of laughing and smiling, and even glimmers of personality from the performers, marks a sharp contrast to the anonymous direction the genre has gone in recent years.

★★1/2