Terreur cannibale (1981)

...aka: Cannibal Terror
...aka: Terror canibal

Directed by:
Alain Deruelle

For a long time this was mistakenly listed online and in various books as either an alternate title for Jesus Franco's MONDO CANNIBALE (aka WHITE CANNIBAL QUEEN), or an entirely different Franco film altogether. It was also mistaken for Franco's SEXO CANIBAL (aka DEVIL HUNTER), because it basically shares an almost identical kidnappers-stranded-in-cannibal-country premise. However, despite being made by the same cheapjack production company (Eurociné) around the same time and containing some of the same actors, this isn't a Franco film. I'm not sure he even had anything to do with at all despite still being listed in the credits over on IMDb. And speaking of credits (as if they aren't confusing enough already), the ones in the version I saw list Ilona Kunesova (the script supervisor for MONDO CANNIBALE) as the screenwriter and "Allan W. Steeve" as the director. Supposedly Mr. Steeve is an alias for Alain Deruelle, yet IMDb also lists the films co-star, Olivier Mathot, as well as Spanish actor Julio Pérez Tabernero, as additional uncredited directors. So who the hell actually did make this thing? I can't really answer that, but after watching this, I also can't blame everyone for wanting to hide behind whatever pseudonym they could come up with.

A trio of "gangsters," Roberto, Lina and Mario (the latter played by Franco movie regular Antonio Mayans) decide to kidnap little Florence (Annabelle) and keep her hostage until her wealthy parents (Silvia Solar and Olivier Mathot) can come up with the ransom money. To ensure an easy escape, the trio decide to drag the little girl across the border into "Indian territory" to hide out with some guy named Antonio and his much-younger wife Manuela (Pamela Stanford). On the way there, their jeep overheats and the female guide is kidnapped by a cannibal tribe, dragged off to their village and is then sliced open and eaten. The kidnappers manage to get the jeep running again and make it to Antonio's home. After Antonio leaves, Mario ties Manuela to a tree and rapes her. When Antonio returns, he ties Mario to a tree and whistles so that a couple of nearby cannibals can come eat him (?!) Everyone else flees into the "jungle" when the parents finally show up looking for their little girl and are picked off one by one by in unexciting ways by the tribe. The end.

I don't even know where to start describing how awful this thing is. I can only say that it's consistent in that everything (the acting, the ridiculous dubbed dialogue, the inappropriate score, badly edited in stock footage, etc.) is awful. It also commits the cardinal trash movie sin of being extremely boring. Aside from just two moments of gore (which are recycled from the aforementioned WHITE CANNIBAL QUEEN) and one scene of nudity (provided by Stanford during a hilarious bathing scene where she rapidly tries to scrub her body because she's obviously freezing her ass off outside in the "jungle") this movie is lacking in anything cannibal movie, horror or exploitation fans want to see. The entire grueling first hour consists mostly of people sitting around complaining, while the last half hour consists mostly of people walking around in the "jungle."

Notice I keep putting quotes around "jungle." That's because the "jungle" consists of pine trees, a couple of strategically-placed ferns, gravel roads and a snow-covered mountain backdrop to capture that authentic tropical feel. Even more ridiculous is the "cannibal tribe," which seems to consist of all ethnicities that they try to hide by painting everyone with multi-colored clown makeup. There are Asians, Caucasians, skinny guys, fat guys, little boys and hippies with porkchop sideburns, yet oddly just one female tribe member to populate the entire village. Even if you're a cannibal movie completist, I would think twice about picking this one up.

NO STARS!

La semana del asesino (1973)

... aka: Apartment on the 13th Floor, The

... aka: Cannibal Man
... aka: Week of the Killer

Directed by:
Eloy de la Iglesia

Even though there's only a hint of (accidental) cannibalism in this misleadingly re-titled effort, Cannibal Man is an undervalued psycho-thriller / character study well worth checking out. Vicente Parra stars as Marcos, a disturbed slaughterhouse worker who lives in a small one bedroom house with his (usually-absent) brother. With his sanity barely in check as it is (notice the loud, ticking clock sound a la Repulsion, an obvious influence), Marcos finally snaps when a lecherous taxi driver attacks him and his girlfriend Paula (Emma Cohen). After fatally clubbing the man with a rock, Marcos and Paula can't agree on what to do and, during an argument about whether to go to the cops or not, Marcos ends up strangling her to death, sticking her under the bed and closing the door (out of sight... out of mind). His brother rolls into town, Marcos confesses to the murder and his sibling also tries to talk him into turning himself in and is immediately clubbed over the head with a wrench. More people will show up to the house (the brother's fiancée, her father, a slutty / lonely waitress from a cafe down the street...) looking for missing loved ones and none are ever heard from again.

The bodies, all kept in the bedroom, are beginning to stink and the neighborhood dogs aren't the only ones to notice. Marcos decides to dispose of the corpses a little at a time by chopping them up with a meat cleaver, sticking them into a small bag and taking them to work with him, where they're mixed in with the meat. He stocks up on perfume and air fresheners in the meantime. And all the while, he's befriended by a peculiar young man named Nestor (Eusebio Poncela) who lives on the 13th floor of an upscale high rise apartment right down the road and keeps an eye on what's going on around him with a pair of binoculars. It's this aspect of the film, the subplot about Nestor and Marcos, very different but social outcasts all the same, and their ability to relate to one another, that gives this film an extra spark of originality and much needed subtext.

Though there are some gruesome scenes at the slaughterhouse where real cows are butchered and some fairly bloody murder scenes, the climax is surprisingly non-gory, mature and believable and the director seldom dwells on blood-and-guts aspect of his film, but more on the psychological aspects of his characters. The production values are pretty good, the English dubbing is tolerable and the acting (particularly the two male leads) is competent, if not excellent, throughout, plus there are even a couple of black comic suspense scenes worthy of Hitchcock, particularly one with some neighborhood bullies playing keep-away with Marcos' bag.

Originally titled La semana del asesino ("The Week of the Killer"), but released to U.S. theaters first under the title The Apartment on the 13th Floor (with an exploitation ad campaign reminiscent of the one used for Last House on the Left). Supposedly banned in many countries upon release (it was a video nasty), the version I saw from Anchor Bay claims to be uncut and uncensored. Director De La Iglesia also made several other horror films. Too bad they're so hard to find. The cast includes Charly Bravo and Fernando Sánchez Polack (both from the director's MURDER IN A BLUE WORLD), Goyo Librero (from the director's NO ONE HEARD THE SCREAM, which also featured Parra in a lead role) and Rafael Hernández (the director's GLASS CEILING).

★★★1/2

Cat People (1982)

Directed by:

Paul Schrader

Review coming soon.

★★

Cataclysm (1979)

...aka: Nightmare Never Ends, The

...aka: Satan's Supper

Directed by:
Phillip Marshak
Tom McGowan

Gregg C. Tallas

CATACLYSM is the 92-minute, uncut version of a film also known as THE NIGHTMARE NEVER ENDS and SATAN'S SUPPER. It's also available at a reduced length (with silly new fx inserts) in an unbelievable horror anthology called NIGHT TRAIN TO TERROR (1985). So, like it or not, if you're a horror fan you're likely to see this eventually in one form or another. The completely untalented Faith Clift (who had a bit part in HORROR EXPRESS and is an awful actress) stars as Claire Hansen, a female doctor who is plagued by nightmarish visions of Satan. Her husband James ("Charles"/Richard Moll before his stint as "Bull" on the popular 80s sitcom Night Court) is the Nobel-prize winning author of the sacrilegious nonfiction bestseller "God Is Dead." Claire discovers that Olivier (Robert Bristol, who gives the standout performance here); a wealthy, ageless, charismatic former ex-Nazi war criminal is actually Satan! Satan enjoys various social functions (including disco dancing!), has hooves when you see his feet and plots world conquest. Veteran character actors Marc Lawrence (as an aged Jewish Nazi hunter) and Cameron Mitchell (as the detective investigating the obligatory series of murders) are both after him. Although this one suffers from the usual low-budget restraints and laughable elements (some terrible acting, stiff dialogue), it's watchable thanks to some interesting and intriguing ideas in Oscar-winner Philip Yordan's screenplay, plus a couple of genuinely creepy moments.

All three of the directors had interesting careers. Director Marshak (along with his brother Darryl, who produced this) had just made the porno vampire movie DRACULA SUCKS, which was released in both R and X-rated versions. McGowan had worked with Russ Meyer (CHERRY, HARRY & RAQUEL) and Tallas had been editing and directing low-budget features since the 1940s.

★★

Cemetery High (1987)

...aka: Hack 'em High

Directed by:

Gorman Bechard

This is one of those films I'm almost embarrassed to admit I actually got some enjoyment out of. After being raped and/or assaulted, high school grads Kate (Debi Thibeault), Michelle (Lisa Schmidt), Dianne (Simone) and Kathy (Karen Nielsen) turn vigilante and aspire to wipe out all "scum-sucking assholes" in their town. Slobs, bikers, barflies, wannabe rapists, anyone who hits on them with a bad come-on line and, in one case, a guy who's just harmlessly walking down the street, are all immediately wasted. And other ladies in their hometown (and all across America!) prove to be quite impressionable, as they begin to do the same. Each time violence or nudity is shown, the warning gimmicks "gore gong" and "hooter honk" (a horn) are sounded. It's fun at first, but runs itself into the ground pretty quickly. The girls tell each other it's time to get naked, whine when they get blood on their shoes and fight over who gets to kill who. The mock documentary approach (also used in Bechard's PSYCHOS IN LOVE) where characters talk directly to the camera, is fun and used pretty well.

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Yeah OK, so this is desperate, stupid, senseless filmmaking and the cheap comic gags are often irritating, but it did make me laugh out loud several times, which is more than I can say for the entire Adam Sandler oeuvre. I was quite shocked to see this get a DVD release, too, as I was quite sure this rare video would just gradually disappear into oblivion. The director's next was the sci-fi comedy GALACTIC GIGOLO, which featured much of the same cast. Carmine Capobianco (who starred in PSYCHOS IN LOVE) co-wrote the script with the director and has a cameo here. Also with Ruth Collins (as a late edition to the "Scumbusters" who provides some topless-ness) and Frank Stewart as a coroner.

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The director claims that uncredited executive producer Charles Band butchered this film in post production (apparently it was originally to be called Assault of the Killer Bimbos - a title that was later used for an unrelated 1988 comedy), and claims the same fate befell his sci-fi comedy GALACTIC GIGOLO.

★★

Cassandra (1986)

Directed by:

Colin Eggleston

Review coming soon

★★

Chilling, The (1989)

...aka: Gamma 693

Directed by:

Deland Nuse

Jack A. Sunseri

A low-budget zombie movie featuring cult stars Linda (THE EXORCIST) Blair, Troy (used to be a teen idol) Donahue and Dan (Grizzly Adams) Haggerty might sound like surefire cult movie material, but this represents the worst in bargain basement entertainment; not even good for cheap, unintentional laughs. Linda plays a nurse who works at a cryogenics lab under Troy. Lightning causes the frozen cadavers (who look like they were dressed in sheets of Reynold's Wrap) to come to life, attack and do the usual cannibalistic zombie things. The performances, special effects and dialogue are all terrible. But hey! Cool box art, huh? It was filmed in Kansas City.

★