Offerings (1989)

Directed by:

Christopher Reynolds

Pity poor young John Radley and his miserable existence. His abusive, gap-tooth grinding mother ridicules him and gleefully ashes in his scrambled eggs. Dad isn't around and the neighborhood banana bike brigade teases him because he's too shy to talk. What's worse, he becomes disfigured and comatose after being knocked into a well by his prepubescent peers. After spending years in a coma, he awakens, escapes and heads home for revenge, leaving body part "offerings" from his victims to the one girl who was his childhood friend (Loretta Leigh Bowman). Entertainment value is not hard to find in a cheap, stupid regional concoction like this. You'll be amazed by the bizarre accents mixing twang, valley talk and congested stoner slang spoken to monotone perfection by teenage Oklahoma trailer trash! Or laugh at the brain dead cops on the case, who might remind you of Barney Fife on an especially bad day. Or count the endless cliches and head to toe fashion no-nos (including the lovely star tie and stonewashed jean jacket ensemble). Or decide which is more derivative of Halloween - the characters, plot or music. This is one of the most unintentionally uproarious horror film from the 80s. Schlock fans check this out.

★1/2 SBIG

Emanuelle in America (1977)

... aka: Brutal Nights

... aka: Black Emanuelle in America

Directed by:

Joe D'Amato

NYC-based photo journalist Emanuelle (Laura Gemser) knows she’s got the workings of a hot story when she travels through the labyrinthine underground sex culture with a secret camera, where one sexuality perversity leads to ten more, each more extreme than the next. Being the insatiable Emanuelle, she can’t help but participate in some of it, as well. D’Amato’s most notorious exploitation effort tries to cater to a variety of fetish, from the most basic to the most exotic. The sex in the Blue Underground uncut version is both soft-core and hardcore (the latter supposedly added by French distributors after the film was completed). The couplings range from the expected pairings (man/woman, woman/woman…) to a cake orgy in Venice, a tropical vacation retreat for sex-starved women and a whore-house complete with a notorious scene of requited female-equine love. It’s reputation as a major cine-shocker for sick movie buffs seems to hang solely on two portions, the first of which is the horse yanker scene (which really isn't even all that bad). The second is some strong and effective snuff film footage at the very end of the picture when Gemser hooks up with a "respectable" U.S. senator (Roger Browne). Shot on grainy film stock and with gore, torture and breast/vaginal mutilation galore, it does rise to the extreme level of repulsiveness sick movie freaks want. Otherwise, this Emanuelle outing is your usually badly dubbed, badly written and badly acted Euro sex flick with many gruelingly boring passages.

Gemser is certainly beautiful to look at, but she seems in a daze throughout most of the film (an exception being a look of mild discomfort while viewing the snuff footage). Italian horror fans should note the appearances of Gabriele Tinti (Mr. Gemser) and Paola Senatore as a rich Italian couple, Lorraine de Selle as a lesbian named Gemini and Salvatore Baccaro (Ook from FRANKENSTEIN'S CASTLE OF FREAKS). Also with adult film actress Marina Hedman. The original U.S. release was basically missing all of the content that makes it worth watching in the first place, so avoid all early video prints and go for the DVD (which also features decent interviews with both D’Amato and Gemser).

★★

Les avaleuses (1973)

... aka: Aroused Passions

... aka: Bare Breasted Countess, The

... aka: Black Countess, The

... aka: Comtesse aux seins nus, La

... aka: Comtesse noire, La

... aka: Erotic Kill

... aka: Erotikill

... aka: Erotikill: Lady Dracula 2
... aka: Insatiable Lust

... aka: Jacula (Yacula)

... aka: Last Thrill, The

... aka: Loves of Irina, The

... aka: Sicarius - the Midnight Party

Directed by:

Jesus Franco

If you're a fan of Spanish actress Lina Romay's nude scenes, are a Jess Franco film completist or just looking for something with a lot of full female nudity, you may want to check this out. Others are warned to steer clear of this virtually plot-less and incredibly slow-going vampire-sex film. The Image DVD I viewed (titled Female Vampire) is just one of many different cuts that have been released. Some versions are reduced in length with added horror scenes (such as the one titled Erotikill, except in Germany where the same title has explicit sex scenes [confusing, ain't it?]), and others emphasize the sex aspect (such as The Loves of Irina, which may be identical to the cut released by Image under the listed title). Several of the alternate titles (Aroused Passions, Insatiable Lust, etc.) have added hardcore scenes of the lady vamp sucking more than just blood. In fact, that's the same premise of the Female Vampire cut (the countess claiming victims by sucking out their life force via oral sex), except we don't actually get to see that done in a graphic fashion. In any case, this one's a very minor and almost amateurish effort for the director, complete with monotonous scenes of people walking around endlessly, horribly written dialogue and voice-over narration, people lounging in bed, people driving around in cars and sex / nude scenes that seem to go on for an eternity. It will certainly try the patience of most viewers, especially those looking for a horror film.

Romay plays the title role; mute, blank-eyed vampire Countess Irina Karlstein, who is the last living member of her family and has just ventured onto the island of Madeira, which I think is off the coast of Portugal. She's first seen wandering around in the woods wearing only a belt and an open cape. The camera pans up and down, the zoom goes in and out, it goes from focus to out-of-focus, and the same irritating "technique" will basically be repeated throughout the entire film. In one close-up shot she even clearly bumps her head into the camera! Irina finds a guy to seduce in broad daylight (guess she's no normal vampire) and gives him a deadly blow job while he leans up against a chain length fence. Then she flaps her cape and is suddenly driving around in a car, complete with a bat hood ornament with flapping wings. Through voice over we get to hear her thoughts as she bitches about how she's miserable and hopes her reign as a vampire will come to an end already. Apparently she's a celebrity too because a bikini-wearing journalist (Anna Watican) wants to interview her for a piece that will appear in all the major news publications in Europe and the United States. She starts her interview by stating "I know that you're a mute but I also know that you can hear very well." This is followed by such probing questions as "Do you feel ill-at-ease being the descendant of a family of vampires?"

Irina claims a second victim; hotel masseur / gigolo Raymond Hardy, then a third (the journalist) and has a long sex scene with each. Her hulking manservant (Luis Barboo) disposes of the bodies for her. She takes another naked stroll through the woods, then goes home and starts humping a bed post and a pillow. She encounters two sadistic lesbians (Alice Arno and Monica Swinn) who like to chain women up to walls and whip them, and becomes romantically involved with a guy (played by Jack Taylor) drawn to the supernatural aura of the island. Cut between these scenes are even more boring ones featuring the director himself as Dr. Roberts. He performs an (off-screen) autopsy on the first victim ("He was bitten in the middle of an orgasm and the vampire sucked his semen and his life away!") and spends most of his time sitting at a desk across from either a police detective or blind, strange phenomena expert Dr. Orloff (Jean-Pierre Bouyxou), who feels up a corpse to try to locate bite marks on her clitoris. Yikes.

Sprinkled throughout are shots of misty forests, the sky, water skiers, birds flying around, a zoom in on water in a swimming pool, etc. There are a few effective artistic touches here and there, but it moves at a snail's pace and becomes so overwhelmingly boring at times you may even start fast-forwarding through all of the sex scenes.

★1/2

Fangs (1974)

...aka: Holy Wednesday

...aka: Snakes

Directed by:

Arthur A. Names

Snakey Bender (veteran character actor Les Tremayne; pretty charming in a rare lead role) is a friendly, eccentric, misunderstood psychopath who loses it after several strange characters push him over the edge. He decides to get even using his slithering serpents as instruments for revenge. FANGS refreshingly goes out of its way to be different, especially with an odd assortment of colorful characters. A cheerful, outwardly respectful schoolteacher (Bebe Kelly) livens up her weeks by having sex with a huge blacksnake name Lucifer (it's only shown in shadow). A redneck grocery store clerk (Bruce Kimball) and his butch lesbian sister (Alice Nunn) try to seduce the teacher and kill one of Snakey's beloved pets. Snakey's former best friend (Richard Kennedy), his much younger sexpot wife (Janet Wood, who dances topless), and a corrupt preacher (Marvin Kaplan) are the other victims. He keeps Wood prisoner, ties her to a chair and makes her watch as he kills everyone. A pit full of rattlesnakes, an amusing poisonous snake-in-a-barrel game and the teacher covered with a variety snakes are the best death scenes. The music score is credited to John Phillip Souza! Originally titled SNAKES (an even more forgettable title than FANGS), this is cheap looking and flatly photographed, but entertaining and pretty offbeat.

Score: 6 out of 10

Fair Game (1982)

...aka: Desolation Angels

Directed by:
Christopher Fitchett

I'd heard a few people mention an Australian horror-thriller called FAIR GAME and remember them saying it was pretty good. Little did I know but when I picked up this FAIR GAME I was actually getting the wrong film. Apparently the "good" one is from 1986 and starred John Denver's ex-wife Cassandra Delaney as a wildlife sanctuary worker who is terrorized by three kangaroo hunters. Oops. To make matters even more confusing, there's also an Italian thriller called FAIR GAME, which was also shot in 1986 and starred Sting's wife Trudie Styler as a woman terrorized by a mamba snake inside her home. Of course I didn't know that this FAIR GAME (originally called DESOLATION ANGELS, a much cooler title) wasn't the recommendation until after I finished and came online to look up some information on it. In any case, I approached it with really no expectations and it turned out to be an OK low-budget thriller with some suspense, some action and decent performances all around. I don't regret spending 80-minutes watching it.

Schoolgirl Liz (Marie O'Loughlin) decides she wants to get away from her preoccupied mother for the weekend. She steals one of mom's keys to the secluded family beach house, makes a copy and invites her best friend Joanne (Kerry Mack) to come along. Joanne thinks it would be a good idea to invite new-girl-in-town Jilly (Kim Trengove) along as well. All three girls lie to their parents and then take off toward the beach. Meanwhile, Pamela (Karen West) is pressured into cashing a phony 35,000 check by her criminal boyfriend at the bank. Instead of meeting him at the airport with the briefcase full of money, she takes off. The film then cuts back to the three girls, who are stalked and terrorized on back roads by the occupants of two black station wagons, who follow them around and try to run them off the road. After about ten minutes of close calls, they make it to a police station, report the cars and go to the beach house to start their vacation. Pamela also happens to be hiding out in the same small community and one of the girls befriends her. Those inside the black cars, who turn out to be four sadistic/murderous/rapist thugs, ultimately turn up to terrorize and start murdering the ladies.

Strangely, elements from just about every genre known to man are thrown into the mix. It starts out as coming-of-age teen drama/comedy before turning into a crime flick before turning into a road movie before turning into a DUEL like killer car flick before turning into survival thriller with women fighting back with rifles, broken bottles and even a harpoon. If that isn't enough, it also squeezes in some fairly suspenseful horror stalk-and-slash sequences. It's actually not too bad and I found it pretty entertaining overall. The actors are fairly good, the script is decent and the movie provides a bit of character development to go along with the violence and thrills.

Score: 6 out of 10

Fair Game (1988)

...aka: Mamba

Directed by:

Mario Orfini

Interesting premise; to get revenge on his wife (who's threatening divorce) an wealthy electronics wiz (Gregg Henry) locks her inside her fancy apartment with a deadly black mamba snake and monitors the two through tracking devices and phone calls outside in his car. Unfortunately, the direction, scripting and editing are so uneven that this is never as scary, suspenseful or entertaining as it could have been. There isn't a whole lot to watch here… unless you're interested in seeing Trudie ("I'm-married-to-Sting") Styler contorting her body to demonstrate yoga positions, talking to herself, lounging in a bubble bath or running around in her panties screaming. In fact, this often comes off more as a showcase for Styler's fit bod than a horror-thriller. And is that good-lookin' dude in the intro really Chop Top from Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2? Sure is. But don't expect much from Bill Moseley here. Just a brief appearance. The score is from Giorgio Moroder and a soundtrack album was also released.

Not to be confused with no less than two Australian thrillers from the same decade that used the same title (1982's Desolation Angels and 1986's Fair Game). It was originally titled Mamba (a title kept for its European release).

★★

Luchadoras contra el médico asesino, La (1962)

...aka: Doctor of Doom

...aka: Rock 'N' Roll Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Ape

...aka: Sex Monster

Directed by:

René Cardona

Monster ape men, acid-scarred mad doctors and female wrestlers with leotards pulled over their cone bras and granny panties... A recipe for a classic if there ever was one. This color import was the first of the several super-corny "Luchadoras" (Wrestling Women) movies produced in Mexico during the 1960s and distributed in the US by K. Gordon Murray (who reportedly made a bundle off of them). Of the ones I've seen so far (three in total), this is by far the funniest and most entertaining of the bunch and should register high on the must-see list of any self-respecting camp fanatic. After a wrestling match where world champion grappler Gloria Venus (Lorena Velázquez) triumphs, we learn there's a madman busy at work in the city and he's leaving behind an ever increasing number of dead female bodies. Turns out the killer is a mad doctor (whose face is kept covered the majority of the movie to conceal his secret identity) trying to perfect his brain transplant operations, but the women keep dying. Thinking they are failing because the women they're using are unintelligent and have low IQs, the doc sends out his gang of thugs to abduct chemist Alice Fontaine (Sonia Infante) out from under the watchful eye of her superior Dr. Wright (Roberto Cañedo), but her operation also results in death, so he then sets his sights on getting a hold of a woman who is physically strong... just like Gloria and her female wrestler friends! Oh yeah, there's also Gomar (Gerardo Zepeda); a half-man/half-gorilla monster who's kept locked up in the basement, grunts and eats entire racks of meat at one sitting. The doctor can control him telepathically, so he occasionally sends him out on the town with some human henchmen to kidnap women and throw around the cops. The doctor has also created a nice bulletproof sheet metal suit and mask for Gomar to wear that wards off those pesky bullets. A pair of detectives; Mike Henderson (Armando Silvestre) and his short, cowardly partner Tommy (Chucho Salinas; the forced "comic relief" in a film already full of it), are on the case.

Meanwhile, back at the gym, Gloria learns that Alice (her sister) has been killed and swears vengeance. She and the other wrestlers are also introduced to a new wrestler by the name of Golden Rubi (Elizabeth Campbell). Since both Gloria and Rubi are tall, statuesque and attractive, and the rest of the wrestling women look like Danny DeVito in drag, they're paired together for tag team matches against such foes as The Gazelle and (?)Bertha, and become roommates. They also attract the attention of the two detectives, who take them out on dates and give them transmitter watches before being kidnapped by the doctor and put in the "death chamber" (a wall full of giant spikes closing in on them). The girls follow their transmitter signals to the lab, save the guys and kick some ass while dressed in their matching sweater/spandex pants ensembles. Gloria also flings a cup full of acid in the doctor's face before the whole place goes up in flames... And it's not over just yet kids, because the doctor, his main henchman Mao (Jesús Murcielago Velázquez) and Gomar have all escaped and are plotting the ultimate revenge against our heroines. They kidnap burly lady wrestler Mary Carmichael (Chabela Romero), transplant Gomar's brain into her body and then pass her off as a new masked wrestling phenom named Vendetta. Posing as Vendetta's (masked) agent, the doc arranges a high profile fight between Gloria and Vendetta, where he plans to use his hypnotic control to get Vendetta to kill her.

DOCTOR OF DOOM (which is also on tape as ROCK 'N ROLL WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC APE) is an extremely cheap production with generic sets, very flat b&w photography and the expected horrible dubbing, but it's still worth watching for fans of Z cinema. The wrestling footage is actually choreographed pretty well and is no worse than what we see nowadays, though for some reason most of the action is shot outside of the ring.

The sequels (featuring most of the same cast) were: LAS LUCHADORAS CONTRA LA MOMIA (1964; WRESTLING WOMEN VS. THE AZTEC MUMMY), LAS LOBIAS DEL RING (1965; SHE-WOLVES OF THE RING; a drama that won't be covered on this website) and LAS MUJERES PANTERAS (1967; THE PANTHER WOMEN; with Ariadna Welter replacing Velázquez as Gloria Venus). There may be others.

★★