... aka: Satan War
Directed by:
Bart La Rue
An off-screen narrator kicks things off
with the following brief disclaimer: The film that you are about to see is
based on real events that have taken place in the world of the
supernatural. The order and sequence have been changed in some instances
for dramatic emphasis but each supernatural occurrence depicted in this
film has its origin in fact. Only the names and places have been changed
to protect the innocent and any resemblance to anyone, living or dead, is
purely coincidental.
Now let that sink in for just one moment... Real events... only the names have been changed... any resemblance to
anyone is purely a coincidence... Ha! In the summer of 1976, somewhere in America, Louise Foster (Sally
Schermerhorn), a public school teacher, and her husband Bill (Jimmy
Drankovitch), move into their new three bedroom "dream house." The
home comes complete with such 1970s luxuries as a garbage disposal (ohh!),
a "real dishwasher" (ahh!) and even "a backyard with trees and flowers"
(wow!), but they're a little skeptical about why they got the place so
cheap. As the newlyweds are moving in, neither seems to be themselves.
Bill yells and curses and Louise can't stop sobbing. A cross they hang on
the wall keeps turning upside down, someone knocks at the door but when
they go to answer it no one is there and a coffeepot boils over with some
awful-smelling thick brown substance that resembles melted chocolate. Bill
keeps seeing a figure lurking around outside and a chair slides across the
floor, hits Louise and knocks her to the ground. They're awaken later that
night by the sounds of someone in their kitchen but no one is there, then
the house shakes and lights flash. Quite an eventful first day in their
new home, I'd say.
The numskulls naturally remain in the house and Bill tries to pacify his
hysterical wife by explaining these clearly supernatural events away,
including a cross flying off the wall right in front of them. But the
strange shit keeps happening. The oven keeps getting turned on by itself,
the phone rings and nobody's on the other end and a stinky substance that
looks suspiciously like pizza dough mixed with green food dye leaks out of
the cupboards and refrigerator. When Bill finally questions whether their
home is occupied by evil spirits, Louise responds "A haunted house? I
don't believe in that kind of thing!" despite earlier having her breasts
groped by invisible hands while washing dishes in the kitchen. The two
leave and go to the beach where Louise suddenly changes her tune about the
possibility of ghosts; "... someone touched me... all over. It was like I
was being molested but there wasn't anybody there." The two make a joke
out of it ("I'm not going to be molested day and night just so you don't
have to take out the garbage!") and return home. Louise stops thinking
it's so funny when the ghost knocks her onto the bed, pins her down and
then rapes her. Evelyn (Jane August), their psychic friend, swings
by for a visit and immediately informs them that they need to leave
because the home was built on a plot of land where dozens have died and is
now overrun by demons.
Because they've sunk all their money into the home, Bill ignores Evelyn
and tells his wife "We're going to stay and beat this thing!" He tries to
use their crucifix to perform his own exorcism ("In the name of the
father, the son and the holy ghost I order you to get out!") but a black
robed figure brandishing a butcher knife shows up to chase them off. And
then something truly strange happens... the story with Bill and Louise and
the haunted house abruptly ends with the couple just hopping in their car
and leaving at the one hour mark. And yet there's still 15 minutes left to
go. To push this to the "feature film" point it needed to be, the director
decided to fill up the rest of the time with a narrated, completely
unrelated voodoo ritual (shot mainly from a distance) with a man playing
bongo drums and dancers gyrating around for an excruciatingly long 15
minutes. You'll soon be asking to be put out of your misery or, like me,
just fast-forwarding through it.
Satanwar is appealing in its rarity for genre connoisseurs, but
that's really all it has going for it. The first hour is slow, repetitive
and deadly dull in its familiarity. Aside from one brief scene, it's all
filmed in one house. There are a hundred shots of the crucifix on the
wall, dozens of the coffee pot and long scenes of the characters cleaning
up messes and walking around. As for the actors, they all appear to have
been dubbed in post and are terrible enough to provide a few chuckles here
and there. Especially awful is the whiny, frail-sounding actress who
provided Louise's voice. The synthesizer music score sounds like an
annoying ambulance siren and it never seems to stop. It does however
precede the later Demon Rage (filmed 1980; released 1982) and the
big budget The Entity (filmed 1981; released 1982) is the 'raped by
a ghost' sub-genre. Both Rage and Entity were based on the same "true"
story of a woman who claimed to have been repeatedly sexually violated by
an evil spirit. Satanwar doesn't credit any source, which may
explain the tacked-on opening disclaimer.
★
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